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Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by austinyeti, Jan 21, 2019.
thanks for making the right call....
This definitely just made me want to do this!
It is amazing! But it can take some practice.
We unsuccessfully have tried. We end up getting too carried away.
That's why it can take practice. Lol! It took us a while too.
I know for my IA (Intimacy anorexic) husband what your describing is a fear of intimacy. He would think negatively of me as a way to emotionally keep me at a safe distance. He also gets anxiety around the thought of being transparent to anyone. Being afraid of intimacy could even be the source of your addiction in the first place. We do intimacy exercises daily to help with this. We have coffee time, we pray together, then share two random feelings (from a list), what makes us feel that way and the first time we remember feeling that way, then two praises, something we like, love, admire, appreciate about the other person. It may help you with filling you mind with positive things about your wife instead of the negative.
It makes me sad to see that people actually fear intimacy. He must have been through something really rough in his Life.
Its good that you are working on it together.
I hope he is getting better
Thank you me too! It’s more he was taught to show emotion was a weakness. Suffered bullying as a child young teen. I guess it creates a sense of not being safe with other people and people won’t like you if they really knew you.
It is sad bc I crave a deep emotional connection and passion. I pray we will have that someday. That’s difficult when someone has an avoidant personality
I really believe that a deep emotional connection is what everyone wants in the end. But be aware, you can never make something that is not without your own realm of control a necessity to be happy. I made this mistake my whole Life thinking that the right person for me will make my life better and that she gives me what i so desperately seem to crave.
In the end, we need to make ourselves happy first and then come to our partners, so they can be a benefit for our life. Not a necessity.
And the more you think you crave it, the more it will make you upset not getting it, i was and still am to a certain degree on that path as well.
If you truly like him or even love this man, make sure that you only want the best for him and re-assure him whenever you can.
And PLEASE, keep yourself in shape. One of the biggest gifts we can give to our partner is an appearance they desire and find attractive, whatever that means for your SO.
But be aware that a lot of partners will never talk about this, in order not to upset the other one.
We often try to preserve peace while sacrificing our own needs in order to achieve it.
Talk to each other about what you find physically attractive, as well as what you like about each others personality, and be as honest as you can. Being drawn to the other partner physically and spiritually/emotionally is a major point in anyone's life, even if some will never (be able to) admit it.
Those talks are crucial for a long lasting relatinship and are really underestimated.
Bring out the good in both of you.
@austinyeti You have had a whole bunch of advice.
I'm going to nip in here from an entirely different angle, just to give another view. Speaking metaphorically, of course.
There's a part of your mind that fears change. The "logic" is a primitive logic, saying that you're alive, so whatever you've been doing must be right. Don't change, or you will be in danger!
That primitive part is afraid of change. It hates that you are giving up porn and mastubration, because it means change, which it thinks puts you in danger.
Knowing your own mind, it can make the most brilliant "logical" excuses that trigger you more than anyone else could.
So, it tells you that your wife is no good for you — even though you know that she's the best.
When you get those intrusive thoughts, remember these things:
It's a thought. Not reality. (Think about it — the same is true of porn!) You do not have to believe the thoughts.
You own your thoughts, so you have the right to obey them or ignore them. Which will you choose?
Don't take your thoughts seriously. They are ideas, not reality.
There are various ways to deal with intrusive thoughts. Because that primitive part of you is scared, a great way to deal with it is to create a new calming thought, something like, "Thank you for the thought and for trying to protect me. Life has moved on, and those old thoughts and behaviours are destroying my new life. So, let's instead concentrate on how wonderful my wife is. She's wonderful because she stands by me and protects me." (Or whatever thought is most helpful to you.)
I hope that this helps.
@Mordobarn thank you so much. Geez I had a pretty good day yesterday with this exact mindset.
“Thank you for the thought, but I choose to look at how supportive and wonderful my wife is”
Didn’t google a single thing for help (never a good idea with intrusive thoughts) and this afternoon I slipped. But luckily I ended up back here to find your advice and @B3unbroken’s.
This is so true. I worry that since I was addicted when I met her that it means I wasn’t clear enough to actually love anyone. But the reality is even if that’s true, she’s a wonderful woman and I can now commit to fostering love and a happy marriage with her. But the reality is she caught my attention 7 years the moment she stepped out of her car at my house the first time..and we’ve been best friends since. DESPITE my demons.
Your advice hits home for me. I’m numb right now, retraining my sexual desire, and certainly starting to understand that my mind is TERRIFIED of having just one woman to pursue and please. And it’s one REAL PHYSICAL relationship for the long haul so it’s as scary and “risky” as I’ve ever experienced. I recently labeled that logic as my “protector” and I need to continue letting my protector know that this new life doesn’t feel as intensely exciting as the weekly spikes we used to have. That doesn’t mean it won’t be exponentially more rewarding, a tremendous opportunity to grow as a person, grow as a couple, and be confident and empowered by a wonderful bride.
I’m facing emotions and intimacy and fear and all of that for the first time. Instead of burying it inside. And my protector is FREAKING OUT. That’s okay. I’m in charge.
Thank y’all ❤️ God bless y’all
how can i post please
Hang in there and focus on the positives and little victories! Progress not perfection. And if you wife is fighting along side you then you will win this!