Why do men save porn / sign up to porn sites?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by bonbon4, Nov 18, 2019.

  1. bonbon4

    bonbon4 New Fapstronaut

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    Curious (as part of a long on going issue with my mans PA) why do men (and I guess women) feel the need to save porn pictures and/or videos? Sign up to / in to porn sites? - I'd love you to scroll down and post your response before continuing to read this.. TIA..!


    Here's the thing. My man says he has an addiction but won't get professional help and asked I helped him - I failed. But during our exploration together and ongoing difficulties I asked him a few questions, and the responses were kind of baffling to say the least:

    1. When I asked him why he saves the videos - he said because sometimes the internet is terrible and buffering is a turn off, but most of the time he forgets they're there.

    2. When I asked why he saves the picture - he said he doesn't know why, he just does and he doesn't even look at them again/later. (As of yesterday he had over 5300 pictures on his phone).

    3. When I asked why he feels the need to look at women - he said it's a habit / addiction he didn't know why, but when he broke up with his ex he turned to porn.. He was single for 2 years and so he guess it just became a thing he does.

    4. When I asked why he feels the need to look at porn instead of being sexual with me (ie he'll go masturbate in the bathroom when we were previously/currently in bed together watching TV) - he said he feels like his ED is a disappointment to me (ED which I'm convinced he has over guilt of watching porn). Side note. He only seems to have ED when we're having sex, never when I'm foreplay or he's masturbating - we even tried v-pills but he still needs porn when we have sex to be able to perform WTF?

    5. While talking we discussed the fact that he doesn't like, comment, follow or interact with anyone so why does he need to sign up to / in to porn sites when he uses them - he said he didn't know, he just does.

    6. During all this I discovered his fetlife account (and lost my **** as he's actively following local women) when I asked him about why he is on there - he said he likes the idea of seeing women in the street and them unknowing that he's been masturbating over them.

    7. As a result of him masturbating over his friends when I asked him about this - he said it's a taboo thing, I know I shouldn't so that made me want to. But I'd never cheat on you or do anything with them.

    8. When he got a new computer later that day I was in the bath. A few days later I went on the computer and discovered while I was in the bath he had been watching porn (during a time of promising me he's quit porn) and when I asked him about it - he said "he had to christen the computer otherwise it would just be weird".

    9. He promised me he only looks at videos and pictures. He doesn't like, comment, subscribe, watch live, talk to anyone etc.. Last week I found out he's been paying for porn and when I confronted him - he said he had only done it the once and felt so guilty spending £50 on porn he didn't even watch it (later when I signed into his manyvids I discovered he's spent £100's over the last 12 months - I confronted him about it, of course the issue became about me invading his privacy and he's since changed his password so I don't have access).

    10. When I confronted him about him saying daily he's been clean, swearing on our relationship, making all these promises that he hasn't looked or even thought about looking at porn, that all the help and information we've found and me helping him has made him do a 180. Me knowing daily he's been looking and deleting his history, but not his google activity which reveals all. When I confronted him about it - he said "I haven't, I have been hacked". He then changed his password and then proceeded to actively delete his history and google activity while I sat on the home pc and watched while he was at work on his phone.
     
  2. Before I met my wife, had a few flings, one night stands and short term relationships...saved gigs of porn on my old hard drive.

    I'm an OCD obsessive cataloguer of stuff anyway (be it my books, records or DVDs) and I guess I was the same with porn. Going through most of my teenage years being lonely and sexually frustrated, which men seem to get more than women, I guess it was my only outlet for sex.

    It was a bad habit I carried on when I met my wife though. We've been together 10 years, had lots of great sex but the PMO stayed for some reason.
     
  3. @bonbon4 During an "act-out" session, which can last for hours, the brain is flooded with hormones that effectively shut off our cognitive thinking processes.
    Signing up on sites will allow someone to access photos or videos not available on the free side of the website. Saving those photos and videos is just and autonomic response of the addiction that says "this image or video gave me the fix I was looking for, better save it so I can get it again.... Just in case".
    Lying is just what sex addicts do. We lie to our SOs, our employers, , customers, friends, people online, and mostly to ourselves. Learning why we lie, what are the deep issues behind our addiction, how to begin to tell the truth, takes a lot of work (years) with a therapist that specializes is sex addiction. The behavior can be somewhat controlled with filters and definitely NoFap helps, but only if there is a real desire to or a rock bottom experience provides a strong enough motivator. But the porn is serving a purpose in the life of an addict. It's helping to manage feelings that we don't have the emotional maturity to understand or handle. Usually very early exposure to porn or sexual abuse is at the core what needs to get dealt with before lasting change can occur.
    Until those issues are addressed and healthy processes are learned, the brain will go to its very established coping mechanism.
    I am sorry you are dealing with the pain and trauma of loving and living with a sex/porn addict. Change is possible but it is a very long and messy process.
    If you are able/willing to get your own therapist that specializes in this area and understands betrayal trauma, that will help you stay grounded and give you the tools to keep your sanity while living with someone who WILL make you crazy. It's just part of the addiction process.

    Best wishes to you and I hope he can figure out he needs help with this.
     
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  4. Demodectic

    Demodectic Fapstronaut

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    They save them "just in case they need it in the future".

    Porn tastes are very specific. 98% of porn online is "not my exact taste" so because of how rare it is to find the perfect image or video it makes sense to save it and archive it for the future.
     

  5. Hey, hope I can help you understand as this is very common and questions like these are very hard to honestly formulate an answer to.

    1) Saving things "for later" is very common behavior, it mostly stems from the core issue people that abuse pornography have - they delay ejaculation.
    So they enter the counter with no interest of sexual gratification(orgasm) instead they want to enjoy a "high". Men enjoy seeing a woman, especially beautiful and naked, they get a rush - so this sensation is exploited to feel that rush over and over.
    Once the rush happens, it begins to subside, interest is lost and attention shifts to finding new content. However because rush was felt, there is natural desire to remember this event and that results in desire to save for later.

    2) Again save for later is a reflex, and he probably does not nook at most of what he saves later.

    3) He looks at the content primarily because it makes him feel good, this can be just a habit but in most cases there is underlying cause. Dissatisfaction with life, low self esteem, shame, guilt, stress. This is more about feeling better than it is about having a sexual encounter.

    4) Abuse of porn and sexual contact with partner have completely different goals, contact with partner is sexual gratification and abuse of porn is trying to feel a high.
    The problem is those things are related so by abusing his sexuality for a high, he becomes less sensitive to sexual pleasure, and sexual gratification no longer feel as satisfying.

    5) There is ongoing search for novelty - so seeking new things is expected.

    6) This is a hard one to wrap your head around, I understand you. I can only say that when people get aroused thing they would deem not acceptable seem enticing, he may honestly regret even thinking about them, but in that moment they seemed reasonable.
    This is something you have to explore.

    7) It is hard to advise on this.

    8) Again he is looking for a high, not sexual gratification. He takes opportunities to get it when you are not around.

    9) There is very little privacy allowed in a healthy relationship, if people become private - they grow distant. But spending money part is again - seeking novelty.


    So here are my thoughts based on what you described.
    First of all consider that he is unable to stop practically because he is dependent on the activity for emotional stability. That much is apparent.
    This is usually evident in the behavior, depressed, lack of communication with others, low self esteem, lack of commitments, isolation.
    To you this seems like a simple choice of - just stopping, to him its part of his life and he does not see anything wrong with it because it help him. And so he in essence thinks you do not understand him.
    Not to say that what he is doing is good, its not good but you have misunderstanding between you, you are speaking a different language.

    You force him to make the commitments, he does not make them on his own. And so his commitment is to keeping you unaware of what he does instead of stopping.

    My suggestion is to try and establish true safety, let him actually share how he feels about not only porn but about life, about you and about what his plans are.
    Then you can try building on top of that. Keep in mind that just stopping is not the solution, its a result - solution is dealing with what leads him there.
    Also do not be all loving an all accepting, I know there is a struggle in these situations where you want to be supporting and understanding and at the same time you feel that you were wronged.
    You should be loving towards him as a person, but give honest judgement towards his behavior. There is a big distinction.

    It more of a journey to make him a person able to change this behavior.
    This is allot of work, I feel your pain. I hope he gives enough importance to your relationship.
     
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  6. In my case, I got stolen accounts from paid porn sites, downloaded photos and videos and posted and exchanged them on a free porn blog, I registered on porn sites to save the porn videos I liked and do MO. As long as your husband doesn't want to overcome his porn addiction by himself, all your efforts will be in vain.
     
  7. He is an addict who is so into denial it is a crime. Reminds me of my father. Great guy, but utterly in denial. It fucked up our entire family. He's dead and we are still dealing with the shambles he left us with.
    I would pack my bags and not return until he was firmly committed to serious counselling. He's more committed to porn than you. He's more committed to porn than your family life. If he can't handle counselling, there are plenty of men out there for you.
     
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  8. movingforward

    movingforward Fapstronaut

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    Your man has a serious addiction, You are in for the fight of your life. Us guys who are long term addicts know everything you are telling us. I can tell you he only half way wants to quit. At some point you'll have to draw a line. As long as he can make excuses every time he gets caught he'll keep messing up. At some point their has to be some consequences for his behavior or he'll never stop. Us addicts are always looking for a way to cheat the system, we want to have this secret life style that doesn't effect our real world life.

    The telling lies about money spent, time spent, erasing history, changing passwords are all common true signs of a major addict in denial.
    Just my 2 cents form 40 plus years of fighting this addiction battle. I'vee seen this all before.
     
  9. Sometimes I'm pretty good at following directions. Sometimes ;)

    I've known guys to download tens of thousands of images. I did a bit of that myself. I think in part it's because the addictive thrill of searching and finding is actually more exciting than just looking at one or two really arousing images to MO to and then move on.

    Mostly, I just saved the ones that "really did it for me" so that I could find them again more easily. That said, a lot of my porn binges (which could last from 1 to 4 hours) would involve me endlessly searching for more images to add to my stash.

    A lot of the porn that I got into involved themes of humiliation (of the male viewer) and I think there was a hit of shame that came with saving those types of images as well as a hit of risk in that someone might find such images on my phone or computer. :rolleyes:

    As for signing into sites. That also might include the added thrill of shame and risk (all of our data is out there) but I think it's just mostly to get access to more porn.

    If you haven't heard this already: viewing porn excessively desensitises people to what they see. Eventually vanilla porn just doesn't give us enough of a hit to get off . . . which inevitably leads people down the rabbit hole into pornography that has some sort of an additional kick to it (i.e. shame and/or risk)
     
  10. Uncomfortably Numb

    Uncomfortably Numb Fapstronaut

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    He is extremely lucky to have a partner like you... most of us have destroyed far too many relationships
     
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  11. There's an adrenaline rush that comes from saving and having your favorite scene. That adrenaline spike from saving and having the videos was more important than actually watching the videos. I often times didn't watch the videos again before deleting them in shame.
     
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