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Why do our partners say we have "a big one" when it's just not true?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by +TenPercent, Mar 4, 2020.

She say's I have a big one because

  1. it really is big and I just don't know what big is

    15 vote(s)
    20.0%
  2. she hopes that saying so might somehow make it get bigger

    1 vote(s)
    1.3%
  3. she thinks it will turn me on

    14 vote(s)
    18.7%
  4. she's trying to make me feel better about myself

    37 vote(s)
    49.3%
  5. she's trying to get me to talk about "the elephant (or mouse) in the room"

    2 vote(s)
    2.7%
  6. she's hoping it will make me feel more secure about her fidelity

    6 vote(s)
    8.0%
  1. She made some "big penis" comments again yesterday :rolleyes:

    Maybe, eventually, I will have to have this conversation . . . but I'm really afraid to! It's so triggering! :eek:

    I know that I could prove it to her. I could break out a ruler and say "Look, it's 4 1/2 inches long . . . now good luck finding a statistic anywhere that says that qualifies as big!"

    I'm most afraid of where the conversation might go. If she tells me it's small I might get really aroused and lose control. I might start asking her how big her exes were . . . and then I might start fantasising about that!! And if she sees that that turns me on . . . well, I'm just worried that I'll never be able to turn back from that.
     
  2. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    I could see this conversation being a trigger, sucks but it's true. I am not turned on by the thought of my wife's exes, they are alarmingly triggering and since some of those relationships were abuse based relationships I have relapsed to demeaning porn to try and "normalize" her trauma in my head. It would be the same for me if we had a conversation about the size of her exes, I hate thinking about her exes and knowing I'm the smallest or the biggest she was with would be a huge trigger. This one sucks.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  3. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    Just say that it makes you insecure when she comments on the size of your penis. Ask her nicely and don't make a big deal about it.

    This. You want to be a big porno stud, but that is not what your partner wants.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Yes it does. It measures actual length not perceived length. The latter is far more important.

    I sometimes go fishing. Recently we went caravaning and there turned out to be a free fishing pond on site. I hadn't brought my rods so I bought a cheap carbon-fibre whip and set to work. The first day was a disaster. I got a few bites but the first broke the line and the second broke the elastic! So I went back to the shop and got stronger elastic fitted. Day 2 was much better. I caught some seriously huge carp.

    Or did I? When a fisherman tells you how big their carp was, do you believe them? I'm not lying, but I might be mistaken. The fight to land the fish was so exciting I am bound to overestimate how big it was.

    It is entirely normal for people to overestimate size. We have all sorts of inbuilt perceptual inaccuracies.

    I also think that for heterosexual women being the cause of a penis going from silly and flacid to impressive and erect is exciting, it must be like magic to them. (I actually read that term, "it's like magic", as a throw away remark by a famous feminist recently. If I can find the article I'll add a link.) If your girlfriend is thrilled and preoccupied by the magic she's causing in your body, and the enjoyment you both share thereafter, why undermine her with the truth?

    I know everyone is advising you to talk with her but I wouldn't bother. If she's thrilled by your performance then go with that. I doubt she's lying, trying to big you up (sorry), or trying to undermine you. I suspect there's just a gap between her perception and the ruler's reality. Why fix her perception, she's enjoying it?
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2020
    +TenPercent likes this.
  5. The "big dick" comments keep on coming. I'm trying to let it go and not encourage it.

    I'm struggling a lot lately with the covid-19 situation - a lot of my old fantasies are coming back with a vengeance! :eek:

    I was really into emasculation and small penis humiliation videos. I've been afraid that if I talk to her about my concern, my addict mind would step in and reveal that I secretly want her to
    not only tell me that I have a small penis, but to tease me about it. Ultimately my addict mind would want the full-on fantasy: hearing about her exes and her openly cuckolding me with another man while denying me sex and all of her friends knowing about it, too!:oops:

    I guess you could say that it's a slippery slope, and even if I didn't let the words out, my arousal might betray my healthier intentions. Further, I fear that once that cat is out of the bag, there may be no going back.

    Over the last few years my addict mind has been getting weaker. Quieter. Now, with all this isolation and stress, it feels like it's coming back, getting stronger and like I'm already on that slippery slope.
     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I wonder if you men ever think about this when you tell your women how adequate they are after looking at porn for hours with women that have huge breasts or big butts or are muscular or whatever.

    "No, really babe, you are perfect. Those giant breasted women I keep fantasizing about mean nothing to me. Don't compare yourself to them."

    Food for thought.
     
  7. Thank you for this feedback.
    I read it a few days ago and it hit me really hard ("food for thought" is an understatement!)

    Nobody ever really told me that masturbation and porn were bad, but I think it always felt wrong, which may be partly why I had fantasies of being caught and some how punished for it. I still sometimes feel that need, though not nearly so much now that I have almost completely given up porn and masturbation. Almost given it up, as I have been on the verge of relapse lately . . . lust still exists, my brain can conjure up images in a moment of weakness and the world is awash with sexual stimuli outside of what is now considered porn.

    I regret how recklessly I indulged in porn and masturbation. I regret even more how "open" I was about it with my previous partners. I have been cheated on in the past and yet, even in those relationships, I believe that I was the more guilty party and I think my karmic bank account in this regard is still overdrawn.
     
  8. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    I just don't get it.
    It must be a psychological issue.

    If you want to get rid of this situation, just make it bigger. Ive added 2cm in length and 0.4cm in girth with a determined training during around 9-10 months, more gain is pretty likely.

    I don't get why people ignore the fact that this is possible. It doesn't make any sense to me.

    Got Erection problems?
    Don't watch porn and don't masturbate.

    Unhappy with your size?
    Make it bigger with either manual exercises or devices.

    Imagine a world where you would be so happy with your package that your mind doesn't think about it at all anymore.
    Peace of mind. Wouldn't that alone be enough of a reason to start doing both?
     
  9. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    As a SO I think size doesn’t matter as long as it feels good to both parties. My SO doesn’t have the biggest one in the world but bc it feels good to both of us I don’t think it’s an issue.
     
    EyesWideOpen and +TenPercent like this.
  10. Thank you for the suggestions. I know that it is well intended but I don't want to change the size of my penis.
    Honestly, 4 1/2 inches feels right to me. It feels like an accurate representation of who I am. I don't want to be an alpha male. (I wouldn't know how!) I just want to be a sweet, gentle and loving boyfriend. Maybe this is why I get so uncomfortable when she tells me that I have a big penis. I don't want to be the alpha male, I want her to be the alpha female and I want to focus on pleasing her genitals, not mine.

    Maybe she really wants me to be the alpha male. Maybe she really wants a boyfriend with a big penis. It's too bad that (since we waited a month to have sex) she didn't know this about me before we got emotionally involved. She did tell me that she likes to have a lot of sex but we only do it about once a week, if that. Maybe I'm just not the best match for her in this way. :oops:
     
  11. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Making the package bigger is purely for for selfish reasons.
    A good girlfriend will never mention the size of her partner in a negative way.
    It's only to grow more confidence towards women and in the bedroom. It certainly isn't a necessity. I am just sharing what i am experiencing.

    Whatever feels right for you. You have to find a way that makes you happy. But confidence is a part of that. And why not have a little more of that? Never hurt anyone
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  12. (edited out a comment to something I read incorrectly)

    I am not sure why I haven't checked this thread out yet. probably to avoid ranting and embarrassing myself. I love penises, they ARE like magic, and usually playful and full of humor. a man with a good sense of humor about his own imperfections is 10x bonus in sexy. it just makes everything less clinical and tense. if you have a 3" or an 8", at the end of the day your insecurity (some dudes are huge and don't have a clue, which can be disasterous... thanks porn) could make it a problem. but if at the end of the day you lightened the mood with a insideout pockets surprise elephant gag (you can ask if you have no clue what I mean) whether his nose is a button or a dangling pendulum, it's gonna be fun, funny and something about the bravery in spite of an insecurity is sexy to me anyway, and being able to not take yourself too seriously to offer a bit of humor at your own expense has an element of manliness, confidence and sacrafice that is unselfish.

    if you keep it clean and well behaved, I think size might be close to the bottom of important things on the list for what makes sex good, and especially in what makes a good partner. so not at all worth tripping yourself up over. you should be focused on her lovely attributes anyway to pay attention to your own stuff. if you do that, you shouldn't be surprised that Lil dumbo down there does a fine job without you or your criticisms interfering. there should be no room for criticisms during a loving intimacy anyhow. how do you have room for such thoughts when you are lost in admiration and gratitude for how lucky you are to have such a babe!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2020
    Gmork and +TenPercent like this.
  13. this of course coming from me, who can't really speak on confidence because I have pretty poor self-image and always struggled with self consciousness and so forth. I just know it's not attractive to be preoccupied with your own insecurities, and I can spot one pretty easily since I'm right there too. hah. so yeah.....

    anyway. penis power. all sizes are magic.
     
    Gmork and +TenPercent like this.
  14. oh, about your girlfriend making jokes..... I say just point it out politely and see if she has any insights about why she likes to make such jokes. like "hey I thought size didn't matter?" in a light hearted way, see what she says. does she do this mainly when it's just you two hanging out or in a group setting? if there's a particular person she is doing this around that might be a key to why.

    I think that it's important to be able to kinda have a sense for how your partner works psychologically and this might come with getting to know her better, but I would think that if you can read her pretty well it might be clear if she is commenting for herself or for you or to give someone else a particular impression. the signs are probably there. either way, if you have a healthy relationship it should not be a problem to simply ask her why she likes to make big dick jokes. is that a thing she does and you just noticed it or is it because she's more comfortable being that outspoken? won't know unless you ask really. but as I said before, if she cares about the real stuff it's not the size that matters unless she is trying to fit a mentality mold taught to her sometime ago. it's dumb but cliche and somehow perpetuated mythos about size. totally bizarre to me though.
     
    Gmork and +TenPercent like this.
  15. @kaia Thank you so, so very much for your thoughtful and encouraging responses!! :)
    I appreciate your perspective and how you stress the attractiveness of body-acceptance (or better body-love) while acknowledging that for many of us, yourself included, this can be hard to achieve.

    It wasn't always like this, but . . . I love my penis. I love that it is short and that it is short enough that I can confidently label it as small (i.e. smaller than other men) even if it is of average girth. I love the way it looks and I love the way it feels . . . I have a theory, actually, that it is more sensitive than most penises because it has the same number of nerve endings concentrated into a smaller surface area. And, perhaps most importantly, I love that it works!!

    A small penis is what I have. Perfect! I see myself as more of a beta male anyway and that's not a bad thing. I would take cuddling and sleeping together over sex any day. Sometimes (it happened this morning actually) we find ourselves in a position where an extra couple of inches would make a really big difference, but otherwise I think what I have does the trick pretty well.

    My girlfriend is in her sexual prime (late thirties) and, honestly, if she needed sex to be deeper, harder or more frequent, I would be okay with her taking a lover as long as they were safe and it did not interfere with our relationship too much. I want her to be satisfied but I'm just not the kind of guy that wants to pound a woman and get his rocks off. To me, sex is more like cuddling with a deeper physical connection.

    Maybe my mind is just too warped by porn, or maybe it's my true nature. But knowing that my penis is smaller than most men feels right to me. Maybe it's my addict mind that would prefer her to tease me about it, but it seems reasonable that she could just say that she likes it. And, I really do believe that she does like it. It's a perfect, magical, rock hard, thick little penis - what's not to love? :D
     
  16. Your replies spoke volumes to me and it reminded me of a time not so long ago when I was in the best shape of my life and it felt great to be naked! :cool:
    The flaccid penis changes a lot, it can be lop-sided, it can seem to be hiding or maybe it's all hanging out. The scrotum can be tight one day, loose and pliable the next, and the testicles may be engorged or not so much. But it all appears (to me) and feels so much better when my whole body is in shape.
    I remember seeing photos of a body builder with an amazing very built body and a 4" erect penis. That guy (and his little guy) looked fantastic!

    I'm rather ashamed to be seen naked these days, even by my girlfriend. It's not my penis that I'm ashamed of, it's my belly. Our bodies are sacred and they should be taken care of. Maybe it's a natural response to want to sexualise the shame that I feel for not taking care of my body when I know I can do better :oops:

    I have zero interest in changing the size of my penis. But I do want to take better care of my body.

    And then of course I need a healthy mind. We all need more confidence, but how to we get that??? I was told, "if you want self-esteem, then you need to do esteemable things. Like helping others . . .

    Thank you for helping me :)
     
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  17. man ...I spent ten mins compls
    inv in LP)

    mm mm mm mm mm

    (hgahahs. I nodded off while complaining that my post was lost before I hit send and that's what's resulted. I had to leave it.)
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  18. Good news: it's been awhile since I've responded to this thread, partly because my partner has stopped cracking those "big penis" jokes and making comments about me have "a big one".

    They still pop up once in a while, but for a month or so it seemed like a daily event and this really confused me since I know that what I have is actually smaller than average. o_O

    I think I would still feel more comfortable if she just came out and said it. But, it's nice that the topic isn't coming up all the time.
     
  19. easygoing134

    easygoing134 Fapstronaut

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    I wish I had the time to read the entire forum thread but there's so many replies, and I'm not sure who anyone is, yet. So I just want to throw something out, I'm not sure if anyone posted anything similar, if they did, I apologise.

    In regard to small penis size, and I'm not trying to pick a fight, but I think women prefer a small one. Not to make jokes about, but because smaller ones tend to put less stress certain places... For example for fellatio, no girl I ever talked to wanted to choke and gag. I don't think any gal would want to become loose in the caboose for incontinent reasons... And vaginally, one gal broke it down for me: just because the vagina can stretch to accommodate child birth, doesn't mean gals want to feel like they're giving birth during intercourse.

    So it seems to me, and again if this was covered earlier, I apolize, but if your size is truelly the issue, and your huny buny really wants something bigger, there are some really fun toys out there...

    I have a sexual kink that I want my huny buny to be COMPLETELY fulfilled, So I bought a good quality, leather, adjustable strap on harness (made for lesbians) and a porn-style hallow penis. Since it's hallow, the apparatus is kept in the same spot and is angled semi-correctly, this helps to keep all the angles correct so nothing feels awkward or out of alignment.

    Now, I've used it three times. Turns out SHE, doesn't want to be COMPLETELY fulfilled. The first time it was fun, the second time she said it hurt, and the third time it was bleh... She allows me to do it because it's my fantasy, but she doesn't get much enjoyment from it. Of course, this is with an 8 inch piece, you can buy one that's more naturally sized, say 6 inches and then you can do all those crazy acts. Believe me, I still get off while using it, so it's not like it's a deprivery tool.

    Key to it all is communication, (and Amazon), give it a try.
     
  20. Thank you for the reply . . . and welcome to NoFap! :)
    I'm a bit honoured that you chose this thread for your first ever post on this forum! :D

    I agree that there certainly is a such a thing as having a penis that is too big. Just as there is such a thing as being too small. And some studies have shown that, on average, women prefer a penis that is slightly larger than average.

    Anecdotally, I was in a class with adult women where this question was addressed. One woman said "size doesn't matter" and there was a clear murmur of agreement from the other women in the class. Then another women said, "Well, size doesn't matter as long as he's at least average" and the murmur of agreement was twice as strong. I have measured and compared to enough men IRL to know that mine is shorter than average and several women have told me explicitly that what I have is too small for them.

    Some good news: Of course, women, just like men are different. What's too small or too big for one woman might be just right for another.
    Interesting experience: Once (sadly only once, a girl asked me to have anal sex with her because it was her first time and she knew that I had a smaller one. She later married one of my friends who has a very large penis.

    I think I relate to your fetish of wanting your gf to be filled completely, at least to some degree. I definitely want my girlfriend to be fully satisfied and I think it's hard to satisfy all of a woman's desires as they vary with hormonal changes. My super-powers are emotional connection and gentle love making, but if she really wants to be nailed or feel stretched or simply do some of the positions that she's done with previous lovers, I have to acknowledge my limitations.


    I'm familiar with the toys that you've described though I haven't looked in a few years to see what's out there now (btw, have you ever noticed that virtually all of the dildos and penis shaped vibrators marketed for women are at least 6 inches long and and at least average thickness?) I'm trying to stay away from toys, at least for now.
     

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