Why do people download / save porn?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by babybunnybex, Nov 18, 2019.

  1. babybunnybex

    babybunnybex New Fapstronaut

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    I know my hubby has a problem and I know he looks at porn, even when he says he doesn't. After 6 years I've grown to accept it..

    But yesterday he gave me his phone to look at pictures of potential new house he'd taken. I accidentally fumbled and dropped his phone but when I picked the phone up I'd slid across to some hidden folders section and he's ticked 'hide' on three folders "tits pics", "porn" and "porn videos" there was over 8000 'tit pics', over 12000 'porn' and over 1000 'porn videos'. Shaking I was so upset I clicked on the first folder and as said there's over 8000 pictures of tall, short, pretty, ugly, fat, super fat, huge obease, skinny, red head, blonde, brunette, goth, teen, milf, granny, dress up, pregnant, taboo, strapon, tied up, BDSM, and a whole bunch of kinks I didn't know he even liked I thought I was the kinky one and hes very vanilla but these pics went on and on.. I honestly didn't know what to do. I heard him coming back from the kitchen so I quickly ticked the hide all button (but it hid every album). I handed his phone back and he asked what I thought so I just said he had an interesting photo collection. He asked what I meant but I didn't say anything, he looked at his phone and he didn't say any more on it. I don't know what to think.

    Why do people save this stuff?
     
  2. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    First, sorry you are now burdened by this, and that you were exposed to such dehumanizing graphics. No wife should ever have to compete with images and lust for other women. I am sorry you are going through this.

    Why do we addicts save?
    Short answer, because we are sick.

    Long answer:
    The addict uses porn as a way to numb out. Whenever there are uncomfortable feelings we wish to ignore, we go to our favorite feast of what causes the quickest dopemine fix. The rush of porn and sexual feelings release chemicals in our brains that temporary remove the unpleasantness of the initial stress or painful emotion. Over time our brains become more desensitized to the softer porn and it takes more and more of it to get the same affect. Also the types of porn devolve and become more explicit and vulgar as it takes more shocking imagery to release the same dopemine. The shear quantities of porn and hours of consumption escalate due to what is known as the Coolige effect. The brains reward response to novelty. This causes us to constantly seek more "new and exciting" stimuli.

    Take into account porn addicts have shame and know they will experience unpleasant feelings in the future, they like to keep a security stash of dopemine inducers around in case they need a fix when they are out, or offline. Plus there is an emotional attachment to their favorite actresses, positions, scenes, etc. that makes it just hard to get rid of.

    And if coincidentally the addict has similar hoarding, or "collecting" issues where it's hard for them to let things go, debilitated by fear and loss, you then have a recipe of why someone would keep 1000s of pornography.

    That's why.
     
  3. babybunnybex

    babybunnybex New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the feedback :) tonight he confronted me about what his 14 yo son has supposedly downloaded on my hubby's phone! Oh pull the other one! I told him to have a good hard think of a suitable punishment for his son. Let's see how far he carries this!
     
  4. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    All experts agree treating a child with porn compulsions is a much different animal than a grown man. There should be increased love and understanding, not punishment which will create more shame in them. Treat it delicately.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope your hubby isn't throwing the son under the bus to serve his denial. That is heartless, traumatic, and perpetuates the cycle to the next generation.

    You can't force a PA to see or change. You either stand by him or leave. The important thing is you take care of YOU. Be kind to yourself.
     
  5. Reginald001

    Reginald001 Fapstronaut

    Open communication is the only thing that keeps relationships healthy. The symptom of the disease of porn addiction is that through shame, victims lie about it. These lies can run to very deep and dark places. I would advice to be completely honest and open. Say that you highly suspect that the pictures are his. That even though it hurts you, it is fine and you are there for him. Anger will lead to nothing but more shame.

    The biggest shock is accepting that he is.. a junky. Plain and simple. But oh so hard to accept. What makes this really difficult is that the media normalizes this behavior and many men think it's 'normal' and 'fine' to have some kind of porn stash. That's why in a latest local poll I saw, over 15% of men had a secret porn stash.

    I was married for 12 years and I loved my wife very much, in the end we divorced because of deep differences in the way we view life and this cause a schism in how our paths went. All during that time I was spending time collecting P. I'd speak of needing more disk space and she would buy me an external drive, not even knowing what I was using it for. In the end, it turned out she had similar challenges with erotic stories. And we would both be in our own rooms, engaging in these behaviors to end up together in bed to sleep at the end of the evening. In the end we weren't intimate for 2 years until it ended. (Luckily in good friendship but still it ended).

    The moral of the story is we weren't honest with each other and it poisoned our intimacy. I can't guarantee you that being just completely open and honest will be the way forward. I can't say anything about how he would react. But going so far as to say that you know and making it a topic of open conversation might help in the intimacy and perhaps even going so far as to opening up a road to recovery for him.
     
  6. Damnation

    Damnation Fapstronaut

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    I would say that about any person, "punishing" a man for his addiction will fast track you into a "mother" position, in his eyes. If you don't feel sexually wanted now, wait till he sees you as an authoritarian.
     
    Tatendrang likes this.
  7. Camelon

    Camelon Fapstronaut

    How strange point u raised in my head
    I was addict for 15 yrs but never saved a pic
    Maybe due to continuous availability of online sreams & fear to be caught by anyone........
    Still the Q why would i save while online content is Unstoppable???
     
  8. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I think some people need to reread what she wrote. She was saying her husband blamed his son for the porn on his phone. HA! laughable. Yes, let's see how far he carries on the "punish the son for looking at porn" BS.
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  9. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I am curious to know if you are okay with his addiction only because he is functioning in the bedroom and treating you well still? That may change, so be prepared. All addicts eventually get ED/PIED, go emotionally/empathy void, and start isolating themselves and ignoring their relationships with family and friends. With that many saved pictures he definitely has a problem. Keep an eye on your son. I wish you the best. Just please keep your eyes open and take care of yourself.
     
  10. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    My husband saved tons and tons of videos and pictures on flash drives and on his computer for years. His addiction started before the big porn sites took over online though. He traveled a lot for work, so maybe he did it to watch on computer when wifi wasn't available?
     
  11. Camelon

    Camelon Fapstronaut

    How shameful when we get caught with these videos
    Specially when we are older & responsible
    It"s the worst addiction in the world
    I hope all people get rid of it
     
  12. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    A man with a sexual addiction has already turned his wife into a mother figure.
     
    fadedfidelity and RUNDMC like this.
  13. Tatendrang

    Tatendrang Fapstronaut

    That can be reversed if he stops by himself. But not if she forces him to.
     
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  14. Damnation

    Damnation Fapstronaut

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    You're only partially right. My wife knew for a decade I was addicted, I wasn't even aware until PIED. She never confronted me about it, and when we had the discussion, she did not have a breakdown and begin to accuse me of ruining her life (like most of the women here have) so I felt comfortable with her. And as I abstained, my sex drive came back, and I used it on her. Had she nosed, accused, micro managed and harped, I would have certainly used my new sex drive on another woman. Hate to say it, but the path most of the women have taken with their men is likely destructive to his desire to recover and please her. That's an unpopular opinion I understand.
     
  15. Damnation

    Damnation Fapstronaut

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    Yes, this is evident to me, my wife took a light touch approach and reaped the benefits of my new bigger and better penis, after PIED resolved
     

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