Why do we feel lonely?

[SolitaryScribe]

DISCLAIMER: This is by no means a social study on loneliness and I am by no means a psychiatrist. This is simply what I've seen in my own experience and what I have concluded from those experiences.

Recently I've noticed a trend with many people who are single and struggle with PMO. Loneliness is a huge factor in their lives. it had me thinking... what is the emotion of loneliness and how can we break it down and analyze it to be able to combat it. I don't believe that the solution to not feeling lonely is to socialize (although this may give temporary relief). There are people who have many friends yet still feel extremely lonely. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely.

I've had a period of roughly 6 years in my life where I didn't have a girlfriend, and I would only see my friends 1 day during the week. Yet during this time I've never felt lonely. I was fairly contempt with myself. I was even ok with the idea of being a celibate for the rest of my life. I had no desire for an intimate relationship.

Over the past month I've dated this girl for 3 weeks and broke up. We got very intimate (no sex though). And at this point I've felt lonelier than I've ever felt before. The feeling of loneliness would be at it's strongest the day after just seeing her. I'd have this intense emotion of missing her, of wanting to be with her, almost like a craving.

Loneliness is the withdrawal of intimacy.

I truly believe that the 2 are linked hand in hand. Notice I did not say absence, but withdrawal. Meaning that without first the sense of intimacy you will not get the sense of loneliness. Say there is a highschool student that all his friends are in a relationship except for him, he will have this strong urge of loneliness and a desire to be with someone, and at times this desire can cloud his judgment where he can become desperate and end up with someone that might not be the best fit for him. Now say that there was the same student and he went to an all boys school so no one around was dating anyone. The feeling of loneliness will not exist in his mind. The desire to have a girlfriend may be irrelevant in his mind (taking out other social situations outside of school).

That being said, even the image of intimacy will give us a feeling of intimacy, regardless of it being pointed towards us or not. Just as an image of sex will give us the urge for sex. This is why Rom-Coms exist. They give us an image of a relationship and it creates in us a desire to acquire that relationship, and if we don't have it, it leads to loneliness.

The main problem here is the image of intimacy that we create in our minds.

What I want people to know is that feeling lonely is not because you are alone, it's because you have the image of intimacy in your mind. Take out that image first and the feeling of loneliness will fade with it. Fulfilling that fantasy of the image of intimacy can actually make your loneliness worse.

Until you empty your mind of all desires for intimacy, then can you truly build healthy intimate relationships that do no cause loneliness.


Sincerely,

SS

 

[Paul Dyson]

Very interesting post with a lot of good point! Although, I am not sure I agree with that statement about loneliness. Instead, I think of loneliness as when your need for intimacy is not met. There have definately been times in my life where I have been perfectly fine and haven't felt lonely but then suddenly I have meet someone and have suddenly started to feel very lonely. Looking back, I think that some people naturally increase our need for intimacy, they're kinda like an appetizer for intimacy. When you realise what you're missing out on, that's when you feel lonely.

 

[SolitaryScribe]

Very interesting post with a lot of good point! Although, I am not sure I agree with that statement about loneliness. Instead, I think of loneliness as when your need for intimacy is not met. There have definately been times in my life where I have been perfectly fine and haven't felt lonely but then suddenly I have meet someone and have suddenly started to feel very lonely. Looking back, I think that some people naturally increase our need for intimacy, they're kinda like an appetizer for intimacy. When you realise what you're missing out on, that's when you feel lonely.

That kind of proves my point doesn't it?

You don't realize that your missing out on something unless it's right there in front of you. If you've never been intimate in your life, how can you know what intimacy is... therefore by conclusion you would not know what loneliness is. As I said before, the image of intimacy leads to the emotion inside us, which leads to the feeling of loneliness.

Your only in need of intimacy when you see it with your own eyes. Those who don't have siblings, see other people that do and it makes them wish they had them. People who don't have girlfriends see others that do and it creates that need. Same goes for people that don't have parents, or rather parents they aren't close with. It all starts with the image.

 

[Deleted Account]

It is because you are not having long term goals....Fix a goal .. Take charge..Aim high .. You will be busy ...You won't find time for any silly stuff

 

[Paul Dyson]

That kind of proves my point doesn't it?

You don't realize that your missing out on something unless it's right there in front of you. If you've never been intimate in your life, how can you know what intimacy is... therefore by conclusion you would not know what loneliness is. As I said before, the image of intimacy leads to the emotion inside us, which leads to the feeling of loneliness.

Your only in need of intimacy when you see it with your own eyes. Those who don't have siblings, see other people that do and it makes them wish they had them. People who don't have girlfriends see others that do and it creates that need. Same goes for people that don't have parents, or rather parents they aren't close with. It all starts with the image.

I guess I focused too much on that statement and didn't discuss the overall point. Now, English is not my native language so I may interpret the word "withdrawal" differently. But to me, that word in this context implies that you have already have intimacy in some aspect. For example, intimacy of a girlfriend. However, many people feel lonely even if they have never had the intimacy of a girlfriend. Rather, loneliness is when you are aware that you lack and long for intimacy. Anyways, just a side note.

Also, I want to point out that feeling lonely is not a bad feeling by itself. It is just a sort of alarm clock that tells you that you are in need of intimacy and that it is time to look and strive for intimacy. However, if not properly dealt with, the feeling of loneliness can cause unhealthy behaviour in other aspects of your life.

 

[SolitaryScribe]

I guess I focused too much on that statement and didn't discuss the overall point. Now, English is not my native language so I may interpret the word "withdrawal" differently. But to me, that word in this context implies that you have already have intimacy in some aspect. For example, intimacy of a girlfriend. However, many people feel lonely even if they have never had the intimacy of a girlfriend. Rather, loneliness is when you are aware that you lack and long for intimacy. Anyways, just a side note.

Also, I want to point out that feeling lonely is not a bad feeling by itself. It is just a sort of alarm clock that tells you that you are in need of intimacy and that it is time to look and strive for intimacy. However, if not properly dealt with, the feeling of loneliness can cause unhealthy behaviour in other aspects of your life.

You don't necessary need to have been intimate in order to feel the sense of intimacy. My argument is that the sense of intimacy can come from something as simple as someone else being intimate. Sight alone can give us a sense of intimacy just as the sight of sex can give us the sense of sex.

When the sense of intimacy comes inside you, it's withdrawal is what leaves you feeling lonely.

You are right in that loneliness isn't bad in its nature, but fixating on it can cause many social and psychological problems. My main concern is that people don't understand that being alone is not what is making you lonely, it's intimacy... whether it being directed at you or not, is irrelevant.

The fleeing feeling of intimacy is followed directly by loneliness.