Why Does My Wife Only Want Sex This Way?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Trynagetbetter, Jan 2, 2019.

  1. Trynagetbetter

    Trynagetbetter Fapstronaut

    So my wife has really gotten into meditation as a practice, which I appreciate and try from time to time. I like yoga, walking, and reading. In general she is very uptight and stressed, and takes her hours to unwind at night. Sex is usually late at night (11pm-1am), after she has done everything she needs to get done, and after she's taken a relaxing bath. This is so late for me, and de-motivating, but I will take what I can get.

    Anyway, I found some clean couples guided meditation for us to try, and now this is all we do. Whenever it's time for sex, she wants me to pipe the youtube audio through the bedroom speaker system, so we can listen to the woman's guided meditation voice. It's cool. But it's like, we can't have sex any other way now?! She really likes it. Its more intimate, more meditative, more real, more bonding.... I think it gives her time to ease into it and then GET into it by facing each other and caressing. But sometimes I want hot & erotic, not meditative and calm. Honestly, I miss giving her oral. What do I do? Is it bad to say, I was hoping we would do something else this time, even though I know this helps you? Also, wondering if my addiction is making me prefer a different way given the assault of imagery that's out there (ie devoid of emotional connection), and so I never question doing the same thing over and over again?

    Would appreciate a woman's thoughts and perspective; I feel like I need longer sobriety to make clearer judgement about things. Videos/Audio we use are below so you understand what I mean (I recommend trying them by the way). Everytime it's sexy time she says, "Where's our girl? I need her voice..." Good lord!!

    We start with this (warm up connection exercises):


    Then we end with this (female guided voice):
     
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  2. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Have you told her you want more variety? I don't think wanting to change things up really has much to do with being an addict, I think it's pretty normal to want to try new things and avoid falling into a rut. I would suggest talking to her about it and seeing if you can come up with a compromise on taking turns either initiating or communicating out how you'd like the sex to go. If she absolutely refuses to do it any other way than this, I think that suggests deeper issues you'll need to work through with her.
     
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  3. Trynagetbetter

    Trynagetbetter Fapstronaut


    I haven't told her I want more variety yet. It's been great sex, to be honest. But since we're not the strongest communicators about our needs sexually, I think its an easy way for her to ask for sex without "asking for sex." She can just say, "Do you wanna turn on our our tantra guided meditation?" I guess I'll have to bring up the uncomfortable conversation about what else we can do, and what she would like (which parts she likes about the exercise, and if she's open to other things that I like). That is a painfully awkward conversation for her (even after 21 years!). Takes vulnerability....
     
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  4. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] Distinguished Fapstronaut

    You're right, it's definitely not always easy to be open and transparent on what we want. Good luck!
     
  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    My SO liked the Gott Sex streamed video or get the hard copies from the John Gottman Institute. Google it.

    Kind of a third party assist with tools for communicating about sex. Helped us initiate and refuse better and more.
     
  6. Robbin6276

    Robbin6276 Fapstronaut

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    @Trynagetbetter
    *Trigger warning. *

    I think part of the huge problem here is communication.
    You can't even have an open conversation about your intimicy and love language???
    That's a huge problem.
    I'm not saying that good communication means always long lengthy tedious talks to the infinite details, it can actually just be a very short conversation.
    The key is to have open doors for that. And it sounds like she has her doors half closed!!! Not giving you (and her for that matter) to express and talk freely. Even YOU say that it's going to be an awkward conversation. OUCH!

    It does sound like you are stuck in a rut. Perticularly her as she doesn't seem to want to do anything else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting and NEEDING veriety. It's the spice of life! So embrace first in your head that it's completely normal to want it and that it's ok to ask for it. (Hope I'm not sounding patronising)
    You should both be able to satisfy each others needs and desires. No influence from porn or other stuff. But each other. And communication and experimentation for that matter is crutial!!!

    Take deep breath and maybe over a nice evening and a glass of wine and it's romantic tell her how much you want her, and that you desire her like xyz. Tell her you want to try something new and get in the feel of it. You being sexually turned on by her and setting the mood, talking to her of "i want to do xyz to you" could be all the fireworks to ignite her mind amd prepare her for something new - if she's on some level afraid or uncomfortable about it. It'll give her the advance warning as she seems so stuck in a rut about this only one way. And you setting the scene romantically, talking and opening up could mean she'll be more receptive or hopefully turned on by you! Make love to her mind!

    Or....

    If that not quite the right aproach and talking and exchanging eye contact and vibe is not enough to get things to change, just one day go and change the music to something a little different, something that excites you and her. Take the lead and tell her "tonight hon, I'm going to do it differently." And give her some sexual energy. I'm sure she'll dig that.
    In that approach here's literally very little talking if at all, you just show action.
    And that's very attractive.


    I really hope I'm not trigering anyone. Just trying to help. May you continue strong with ur nofapjourney.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2019
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I've been trying to not put in my perspective, but here goes ....
    I think the fact that she's actually having sex with you is a win.
    Her having boundaries and specifics as to how to have sex with you because you* are possibly a trigger and this 'specific way' allows her to be with you, is actually a positive thing.
    Have you ever asked her *WHY THIS WAY??*
    -is it intrusive thoughts?
    -Is it relaxing because you creep her out after coming clean?
    -Is she fighting the urge to be with the person she loves but also makes her physically upset by betrayal?
    Lots of women have problems getting wet and being intimate after being betrayed.
    Many women also feel they can't connect physically with someone who they aren't emotionally comfortable with. How she directly feels about the relationship or your healing, can /could impact this as a result.
    The fact that she has found a way to slowly work through her grief and try to be close to you (coping) is in my opinion a win for both of you.
    I think you should explore WHY it's this way but not necessarily ask to change it as it could come across as insensitive to her healing and limit the sex frequency amount you already have
    Again.... Just my thoughts on this.... I could be totally off the mark.
    Good luck.
     
  8. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Man, you should be very grateful for having a wife that is into tantra, meditation and all those spiritual practices, especially when those involve sex!
    I would be more than grateful for having any sort of sex-life at the moment but since I am single at the moment (and have committed to hard-mode for at least 18 months), I am fine without it for now. Overall, I am happy where I am right now because I have learned more about myself (especially my mind and its capabilities) while being on hard-mode the last year now than I did during entire the previous decade.
    Right now, I am improving by the day and this semen-retention practice have done wonders for me (especially when meditating) as my T-levels are very high which makes me very motivated, positive, non-needy and happy with the little things in life.
     
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  9. Inspirer3

    Inspirer3 Fapstronaut

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    Simply tell her honestly that you want something more from her.In my opinion she will cooperate with you.But, keep in mind first step must be yours.
    Semen retention is a good thing but sex is a natural phenomenon and you must abide by the laws of nature.
     
  10. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Here's a glaring problem that I experience as an SO having sex with my husband.... If he were to bring up something new or different that he wanted to try now, my head immediately turns to... where did you get that idea? Porn of course... so then I'm thinking he probably is getting himself turned on by THAT girl in THAT porn shoot doing THAT thing... so yeah, you see how you and all other PA's have fucked themselves over, I'll bet many SO's feel the same as I do.
     
  11. noexcuses

    noexcuses Fapstronaut

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    I'm curious about this. So let's say the "new" idea came from something he did with a previous partner. That's OK? It's OK if he read about it in a book? Ideas are usually inspired by something.
     
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  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Valid questions
     
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  13. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I'm just saying that the betrayed (wounded from their PA's porn addiction) has thoughts like "where did he learn or do this?". My husband admitted he was afraid to do anything new in the bedroom prior to me knowing about his porn addiction because he thought it would expose his addiction to me. and yes, I would have wondered where he got the ideas he had and I would have asked. It's a sad thing, because I would love to explore fun in the bedroom, but WITH him, no him throw ideas out there where I wonder... my advice is that it might be good to just explore together, get a book and read it together, find ideas together that are new to both partners @Trynagetbetter.
     
  14. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    my wife asks me to wear a blindfold sometimes so that she can feel comfortable having sex with me. because of my betrayal she sometimes feels insecure, but she still wants to be close to me. its important during your wifes part of recovery. be empathetic to how she needs to process her feeling on your betrayal. discuss with her why she does it but dont make her change. accept what she needs and be there for her.
     
  15. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Yes. Exactly. I have had these thoughts many times during sex, even if there was just a very small change like saying something he usually doesn't say. My mind immediately jumps to the idea that he is still getting off to porn in his mind, but just using my body. Then I get a little sick to my stomach.
     
  16. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    I have a question for

    Did both of you ever had the "rough" sex where the man just "took" you"? I am talking about a guy that really truly cares or even loves you, but is just in line with his sexuality and just is (very) assertive by nature?

    I personally dont see anything wrong with bringing something into my new relationship that i know i enjoyed before.
    Am i supposed to stop putting chocolate on a new girlfriend's belly just because i enjoyed doing that with my old one? Hell no! I just enjoy putting chocolate on a girl's body.

    We grow with every relationship and use them to figure out what truly makes us happy, and when we know, it is easier to implement that into a new relationship.
    I think focussing on what makes yourself happy will inevidentally make your partner happy, if you truly care for him or her.

    We all stilll have to work on what feels good for each of us and set boundaries for things we know we dont like or want, AFTER we tried them.
    But if you never tried something, how can you know you aren't going to like it?

    So, my question for the girls would be:


    What makes YOU happy?

    What was the most enjoyable sex that you had, and why?
     
  17. THIS!!!! Such wonderful thoughts/statements RockStar.

    Rearranging your words just slightly:

    Action Statements
    * discuss with her
    * don't make her change
    * accept what she needs
    * be empathetic

    Why?
    * so that she can feel comfortable
    * it's important [for] your wife's part of recovery
     
  18. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I sincerely hope you get the help you need. Best wishes to you in your journey.
     
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  19. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Yes. This is true.
     
  20. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Of course that’s OK to do things you’ve learned from previous partners. The point is that if you’ve betrayed somebody their mind changes about you the porn addict. We SO’s want to be the one that turns you on and we are vulnerable. We don’t want you getting turned on by what you seen on porn and then introducing it to us and then thinking about porn while you’re fucking us. And because the trust is completely gone, we don’t trust where your mind is... you caused this in us. Sex will never be the same... or at least for a long time if you being consistence and trustworthy. You better just be happy with what you’re getting. A lot of porn addicts don’t even get to have sex with their wives. You just do it her way for a good long time.
     

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