why he does not leave me alone???

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by MaryAnn, Apr 20, 2018.

  1. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    A month ago I accepted not to know how many times to give him a chance. Of course he disappointed me again because things were unchanged, for example, when I was wondering how he felt nervous by saying, "until we talk about it," regardless of me as if I were not there when it was unable to have or maintain an erection "men are not like you women who can do it anytime" or "is just I'm very tired" (when it's really about PIED)and many other signs that convinced me that he said like me but make like him. Besides not recognizing and accuses me for everything. Until what time?
    I'm tired. I've had enough. I just feel like no more power to go through these feelings. Today we had to file a divorce request but said he has a lot of work and we go Monday. He lives in my house and I asked him to leave but he did not. I feel forced by him to live like this, to accept what he does. What can I do? I have forgiven him for so many times, I have suffered for so many years, I tried to show him that it was a bad road, I told him how many times I feel, I offered to help him and join him. What does he really want? If I do not mean anything to him, I just want to leave me alone. I want to heal I want to be good for my child who deserves to be happy and have a normal family. Everyday I read his daughter happiness and I can not not get nervous because I suffer and HE is the cause of my suffering and he is happy with his virtual women and his hand. His happiness is not related to me.
    I'm just a woman with feelings I'm not a stone on which to walk to build your happiness, I wanted and still want love.
     
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  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Hello. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I left my ex pmo addict but we were not married and not together that long. In reading this he’s not ready to change or accept he has a problem. He’s blaming you and delaying help. Nothing will change until he wants to and it sounds like you have given him chances.

    Are you in the US? If so you don’t need him to file for divorce . And you need to get him out of the house or do you have family or friends to stay with?
     
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  3. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    No
     
  4. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    I read your story and information, can see my own marriage in this very similar image like I am sure many others are.
    I have had my addiction 45 years and Married soon 30 of those years. So basically my wife has been in my addiction 100%. We did actually split at one time when I think it hit its peak, but it was me that separated so I could be a child and and feed my addiction. I have worked the last 20 years trying to quit, I once was a once a day person then it was only once(as I would justify hey it s only once a week) a week about Feb 2017 which allowed me to finally start a path to get sobriety.
    Addicts are not horrible people, but they are selfish myself included. How my wife and I got back together after about 4 months was I started trying to quit and not just say I was I made a effort and let her know about it.
    But in some twisted way I also became a addiction counselor in mid addiction myself and maybe that helped me heal and help her heal by understanding what I was putting her thru. Men are odd weird and sometime selfish creatures they will cheat on a spouse and want forgiveness but reverse that, and most guys would show her the door and thats where I think the problem is. Men think if they are happy you should be too. I pray for your strength and healing I have no idea what it feels like to go thru this from her end, but I know my wife is healing just based on how much closer we are and our friendship is slowly returning. Although I do know she is wondering this is real or am I just hiding it better, but thats my doing not hers.
     
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  5. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Im from Romania. I know you right i can not wait forever for him to see reality
     
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  6. Bananas

    Bananas Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing - It is a shame he cannot come here and see how hard people are working and pouring their feelings out.. GW is absolutely right, but I think you need a safe environment for you and your daughter first! Good luck!
     
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  7. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for telling me that. Congratulations on your decision to choose to fight this addiction. After all, it's an addiction I understand that's why I've forgiven countless times, but who's thinking about me? He needs help but I do. This struggle must be ours, not mine. We have to fight together. I can not alone. I wish you to stay strong and have a beautiful relationship with your wife
     
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  8. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    But he's not even ready to give up on me. The fact that I have forgiven it so often causes him to do it again and again and again. I told him he should have been happy that he had a woman next to him who loves him and forgive him not to take advantage of it and to believe that he can always do it because I will forgive him. Last year in November it was for the first time in my life when I set limits I talked about the consequences I was on the farm and I made him recognize what he did. Then after my many desires to have sex and his refusal every single night of the accident I discovered the website on my forgotten mobile phone open to porn. I suffered most of all because she was fooling me in front of me that there was nothing that did not do anything. The next day I came to urgency because of a panic attack even at work. Then I said so, it can not be done. To pay for my health is too expensive. I was firm in the talks I told him that it's too much for me. He admitted hard that I was right he told me that he loves me like he was a fool and he does not want to lose me. but ... bulshit. We have reached the same point. Now nothing will convince me only the true facts. Perhaps a true break-up will awaken it to reality. Thank you all for joining me in these moments that I find it hard to overcome alone. Because English is not my language I'm a little hard, sorry for mistakes
     
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  9. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    I know its so very odd, sometimes it takes that word to explain it.
    The spouse or SO, has pain and discomfort because he can stop P&M, she starts to go thru a host of emotions from anger, resentment and depression. He then decides to get clean after the hell storm he causes
    and then........ and then ......he starts a path of sobriety and its becomes about him " AGAIN" WTF, I am sure it goes thru the spouse or SO head, I go thru hell and deal with this all by myself and then when my life my gets in order and it becomes about him again. This is why so many people who are addicts and P addicts see divorce as the end result. He needs to get clean, but then all focus on healing goes on him. How will he deal, cope, ease temptation, feel good about him self, etc etc. Its is total B.S. Yet even in this forum there is help for spouses or SO's, which I think is great as there is allot of healing to do and not just for the addict. Its why I really like this site.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2018
    Torn, MaryAnn, TooMuchTooSoon and 2 others like this.
  10. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    You are right. I've been through these many times ... and I do not know why if he was honest with me and would recognize the addiction and come here where YES, you find help, I would stick with him. But not if things stay that way I can not stand it anymore. Lord. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy
     
  11. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    Your not crazy, its a natural feeling. That is what we get into relationships and friendships because the person we are with makes us feel wanted and included. People join clubs and churches to find that connection and often will also share this with their S.O.
    Its something we all have built into us, even out pet dogs, like to feel included and needed in the relationship with us.

    Addict however replace that need to be included and satisfy it with a false God as it were. They place great energy and focus to please a object that only exists in their minds. P addiction is in a persons mind there is nothing real about it. Same with a heroine addict all that euphoria they feel is false and made up. The puzzling part is the addict will have a loving caring person who would be that person they desire and wish to care for, but there is a blindness in place and the addict can not see.
    My wife is and amazing person, she is sweet, kind, very smart and very attractive. So what the hell am I thinking? The lying part of me wants to blurt out I have no idea why I did what I did. But the reality is, P makes life easy, no commitment, no one to disappoint or worry about, but the flip side is I also end up with no one to care for me, love me and find me special I take that away from my self. I have to make this out, that is the desire needed to get clean is one must want this above all else.
    The last 4 months with my wife have been really nice, much more open and honest. We are sharing more time and more conversations. And what changed ? I have 4 months clean time, if only I could turn back time I would want how I feel now to be there as opposed to the fake B.S. I put in its place. He has to want this more then anything in the world.....thats how you can get out is by wanting your life back !
     
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  12. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    I was thinking about this artist, he is very inspirational. TobyMac.
    Stuff I try and listen to to keep me moving along, and sometimes give us a unique perspective.
    Anyways heres one of his songs i'll place here, I was thinking about his healing and yours. It takes
    both to heal be praying you get past this both of you.
     
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  13. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for everything! You are great man!
     
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  14. freeit

    freeit Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to see you go through this.
    Being with PMO addicted partner is pain.
    As you've kid, before finishing your divorce, can you try with some counselors?
    This may help you build your closeness.
    Also Have you ever tried karezza? I read about it in one blog, when don't you try it on him?
     
  15. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Yes, is pain and who feels this, knows better. Tell me, please, how to see a counselor with someone who does not see the problem? Karezza with someone who does not want a normal relationship? Divorce was not my first choice.
     
  16. MaryAnn

    MaryAnn Fapstronaut

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    Hello again, Ghost! You suspect wrong . I'm still in the relationship. Because of depression I was not able to talk about it.
     
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