Why I relapsed, the reasons for breaking my 1 year "no-PMO" streak

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Discipline

Fapstronaut
Why I relapsed, the mistakes that caused me to break my 1 year "no-PMO" streak

I always considered my story to be very private. But in an attempt to help people I have decided to post my story about why I thought it was wise to break my 1 year-streak of not watching any porn. I hope that by reading this, people do not make the same mistake I made. Do not ever think that there is a reason to watch pornography. Even after you think you have conquered it, it still has its addictive effects. Stay clean!

I started dating my girlfriend about a year ago. At first everything was perfect. I didn't use porn, and I felt really attracted to her. Both emotionally and physically she had all the things that I would love in a girlfriend. But this changed after a while. We went from having sex 2-3 times a week to have sex 2-3 times a month. For a young couple this is bad. This started to make me feel sexually neglected. It became worse over the months and it has come to a point where I felt like many girls are sexually attracted to me, everyone except her!

I then went back to my old habits. I allowed my brain to fool myself that porn was ok to use again. After all, I thought I conquered my addiction. I started using porn again for 3 reasons:

- I started doing PMO again to make sure I would last longer WHEN we would finally have sex (I always felt my sexual endurance got worse after we started having less and less sex)
- I felt sexually neglected because she didn't touch me, so I used PMO to "take care of myself because she wouldn't flippin' do it"
- And after it had become more of a habit, I started doing PMO again after we had fights. Maybe I did it as some sort of punishment, to make myself "care less" for a few minutes.

Luckily I didn't do it often. I saw porn as the way to make sure that it didn't matter that much that we didn't have sex often. I saw it as a way to have a great relationship. But how wrong I was! We all know that watching porn once will lead to watching it twice. Even though porn isn't cheating, I did cheat on myself! I'm not that great version of myself anymore. I want to give her that great version of myself again because I love my gf.

After having quite a few talks with her about why the sex stopped, we have finally had a great talk about why it happened. She has a good reason and I believe her when she says it will get better. In the meantime I am working towards getting rid of my addiction (again) :).

So far I am 1 week in and besides the temptations and the urges, I am feeling great. We may have a difficuly struggle, but we all have it in ourselves to conquer our addiction! And trust me, when you have finally conquered it, it makes you feel great! :) Just listen to the succes of Jaybriel who even made it to 900 days of no PMO! http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?1337-900-days-porn-fap-free-Advice-and-tips-on-how-I-did-it

Like I said, the above story is considered private to me. But I hope it is a good read for some people and perhaps I can help you with it. Perhaps people can even relate to it. Abstaining from porn is great in the longrun, so don't make the mistake that I made by ever thinking that theres a reason to "just watch porn once" ;).

Yours truly,

Discipline
 
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Hey man, I read through most of your testimony and I feel the need to speak out on something. A few questions for you: one, if you did so well for one whole year without PMO, and then started having regular sex, which incidentally became less frequent, why would you feel that reverting to an old habit would justify your sexual urges? After all, you made it to a whole year you could at least last a couple of weeks without sex. Second, in what way do you feel posting a testimony that goes against what nofap.org is about is in the least bit helpful. In my perception, you're giving people permission to revert because you did it and some how feel that your actions are justified because your sexual needs were not met. Finally, this is not a question, however, please know that I am not stirring up strife, I would just like to understand the logic in posting this. Know that I am not trying to be bitter or ignorant to your situation, I am just sending out some constructive criticism. Rather than posting to say your situation, which is not at all unique, caused you to revert. That changes the subject from a positive in your eyes to a more humble approach in failure which every last one of us on this sure has experienced. Before responding in haste, please consider all I am saying and look through the lens I am looking through. For weaker individuals like myself with only a few days behind my belt, it's not at all encouraging to hear someone who made it to a year, give up so easily and find a way to justify those actions and publicize them. I hope you understand where I'm coming from.
 
I have been getting messages from people that wondered why I fell back to use porn again after all that time of abstaining from it.

I'm posting this as a warning. That even after you have "conquered" your addiction, you have to be careful with porn. Your brain can make up all kinds of excuses to go back to porn. Even after recovery. Something I wasn't vigilant about that long after I thought I recovered. The fact that I fell back into my old habits was a big mistake. Something I am trying to recover from now.

This addiction can be conquered, but you have to be careful that your brain doesn't try rationalising things that can make you fall back to your bad habits. Never thing that there is a reason or an excuse to use porn, it always has the danger of you getting yourself back into your addiction.

I get where you are coming from, but I think you misunderstood the message that I was trying to bring with my post. But that can be entirely because my way of typing, so my apologies for that. I am not justifying my actions. Watching porn was the stupidest mistake I could make. I made the mistake of allowed my brain to trick me into thinking that I should use porn again.
 
I think I understand both sides of this. Being in business for myself , I've seen a number of people achieve financial success and then see some of those same people revert back to their pre-success ways and their old way of thinking. I heard this one statement from a very wise man, "We are all one step or decision away from stupid."

So to Discipline's point, we must remain viligent and not forget what got us to where we are or we'll be forced to repeat the same previous mistakes. To rlrecovery's point, this isn't a post for inspiration necessarily. If it's inspiration, then we need to look at people that have stay consistent with no PMO like user JaYBrieL who just posted that it's been 900 days since he last PMO'd.

For what it's worth, we are all human and not perfect. Therefore, in our strive and journey for purity regarding no PMO, we must keep working at rewireing and rebooting our brain to work the way it was originally intended. This is a journey worth working for. It's a journey worth fighting for. It's a journey that I personally believe is not just worth dieing for, but worth living for. We can do this men. Together, we can achieve what we as individuals could not.
 
Thank you for sharing your cautionary tale, Discipline. Even after a year of no PMO, it was so easy to slide back into it. In the recovery world, we talk about recovering from addiction, not that we recovered. All we have is a "daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85). Personally, I don't believe I'll ever be cured of alcoholism or porn addiction. I can be sober for years, and pick back up where I left off if I don't do the things I know I should that keep me sober. Likewise, for me, I think I could go years without porn, but then pick back up to using it all the time if I'm not careful. There is no good reason for me to use porn, period.

Thanks again for reminding us about the "cunning, baffling, and powerful" nature of addiction. Good luck in trying to beat it, and feel free to contact me anytime.
 
I hope we all find a day in the very near future that we can live healthy and happy lives, free of addiction from PMO, Alcohol and anything else that isn't beneficial.

I'm discouraged at the notion that we could fall back into it if we're not careful. But hopefully we can nurture our minds enough to the point where resuming our old habits would be the most foreign notion conceivable.

I'm sorry about your setback, Discipline. Wishing you, Blue and everyone the best.
 
I editted my post because to some people it seemed that I was somehow justifying that "watching porn is good". I hope it is a better read now.

Don't be discouraged because everyone who wants to stop watching pornography, eventually wil conquer this addiction. :) It starts with 1 day, then 2 days, eventually a week up to the point where you just become less interested in it.
 
Thanks Discipline and everyone else for posting. Reading posts and replying are part of my recovery. I believe that with the proper tools and education we can rewire our PMO addicted brains back to normal. That said, the triggers that caused us to begin the PMO cycle are still all around us, and for each of us those triggers are different. Stress generally, or stress in a relationship, was for me, like Discipline, a trigger. While I now believe we can live PMO free, I think it unrealistic that I will never argue with my girl or that I will never experience the triggers that justified PMO for me. They do not justify it anymore, but before I got educated and realized they were triggers, they were, in my mind, just reasons to relieve stress. I think Discipline's idea that he had conquered the addiction, so it was OK to use again, is an addict's thought, and I think we all have to fight that. I don't know if anyone wants to look up a funny video on youtube that has absolutely nothing to do with porn addiction, but it's a skit with Iggy Pop and Tom Waits having coffee in a small cafe. One of the lines, which I always found hilarious, even before I began my recovery, was Iggy offering Tom a cigarette. Though both purport to be clean of cigarettes, Tom takes the cigarette and says something like "sure, I quit a long time ago, I can handle it now." Guys, even though we are quit, we cannot handle P, and we have to avoid it, and recognize the triggers that make us want it again, and avoid those too. Good luck to everyone on their journey.
 
William said:
Thanks Discipline and everyone else for posting. Reading posts and replying are part of my recovery. I believe that with the proper tools and education we can rewire our PMO addicted brains back to normal. That said, the triggers that caused us to begin the PMO cycle are still all around us, and for each of us those triggers are different. Stress generally, or stress in a relationship, was for me, like Discipline, a trigger. While I now believe we can live PMO free, I think it unrealistic that I will never argue with my girl or that I will never experience the triggers that justified PMO for me. They do not justify it anymore, but before I got educated and realized they were triggers, they were, in my mind, just reasons to relieve stress. I think Discipline's idea that he had conquered the addiction, so it was OK to use again, is an addict's thought, and I think we all have to fight that. I don't know if anyone wants to look up a funny video on youtube that has absolutely nothing to do with porn addiction, but it's a skit with Iggy Pop and Tom Waits having coffee in a small cafe. One of the lines, which I always found hilarious, even before I began my recovery, was Iggy offering Tom a cigarette. Though both purport to be clean of cigarettes, Tom takes the cigarette and says something like "sure, I quit a long time ago, I can handle it now." Guys, even though we are quit, we cannot handle P, and we have to avoid it, and recognize the triggers that make us want it again, and avoid those too. Good luck to everyone on their journey.
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I watched that scene on youtube, it made me smile xD.
 
Thanks for sharing your story. It really illustrates not only the importance of maintanence, but for me and many non-12 step advocates (and there are increasing numbers which include the vast majority of people who quit addiction without attending the more 'traditional' routes at all) it also illustrates the importance of termination as I will try to explain.

I added this to another thread but feel it might be helpful on its own. I certainly hope so.

There's a brilliant method for quitting any addiction which is outlined in the brilliant labour of genuine love book 'Changing for Good' by James O Prochaska (simply cannot recommended that book enough!)

Its based on studying people who quit by themselves as opposed to via traditional 12 step approaches which are most definitely not for everyone but as they have (had) the monopoly on 'recovery' this imbalance needed redressing, which this book does admirably.He identified that SUCCESSFUL LONG TERM self quitters shared a common experience of going through various stages which he categorized as:

Pre-contemplation- When the person hasn't even considered the possibility there is a problem

Contemplation - where it starts to dawn on them their unwanted behaviour is a problem (addiction being defined as something we do that is 'bad' for us but we currently can't seem to stop it) and during contemplations the 'addict' decides enough is enough etc

Preperation- they do research, prepare to stop etc, maybe even set a date.

Action- they stop the behaviour that is causing them a problem, and studies showed that this was much more likely to be effective if they have been through a preperation phase first. Also bear in mind the preperation stage (and contemplation) can often last for years if no action is taken!)

Maintenance - this is where your 90 days come in handy as a period of maintaining your decision to stop the behaviour/addiction

Termination- after a considerable amount of maintanence the old habiit is declared terminated. No need to be labelled a recovering whatever for the rest of your life etc.

This is what I did with drink 5 years ago after quitting on my own etc and when people ask me recently how I got through the recent, unwanted split with my wife without drinking I tell them that its quite simple. I do not drink and so therefore it simply isn't an option. But that termination only came after I was sure I had maintained my abstinence for a sufficient length of time (probably the best part of a year?)

Worth a look into? Tis your call.

To me my 90 day challenge is a period of maintenance after going through the prior stages. When those 90 are up (and I WILL make it!";-)) I will REVIEW my situation and see if I am ready to declare to myself that I have terminated that particular unwanted habit. If I have BINGO! ! If not i will set another maintanence period and take it from there.But as far as I'm concerned this is for good but I'm not going to be cocky enough to terminate it until I'm absolutely sure I have successfully rebooted etc.

But once I do decide to 'terminate' that will be it, just as it was/and is with drink, cigarettes, and weed none of which I have touched for years now and will never again because ththey are simply NOT on the menu for me...PERIOD!!

Just suggestions B-)
 
I agree. Like you said, I want to "terminate" this from my menu. Whatever happens, I do not want to see porn as an option or a solution again. It fools me and it just doesn't serve me.
 
Lets try and look at all angles.

No one seems to bring it up so I will say it.

After a year of PMO you only have sex several times a month...does not add up.

Perhaps it's time to move forward in your life. Perhaps the problem is not you. Perhaps it is her.

I could be wrong, but I suspect infidelity is involved.
 
SP Wild said:
Lets try and look at all angles.

No one seems to bring it up so I will say it.

After a year of PMO you only have sex several times a month...does not add up.

Perhaps it's time to move forward in your life. Perhaps the problem is not you. Perhaps it is her.

I could be wrong, but I suspect infidelity is involved.
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I have thought about that, I have even questioned her sexuality. But after a good talk she says that there are certain medical issues that cause it and that it will get better once she recovers from these medical issues. At the moment I decide to believe her.

So you are right, the problem that we do not have sex is her. I think that within a relationship 2 people should match on their sexual level, so only time will tell whether I indeed have to move on or whether this actually gets better.
 
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