Why is it so hard to make the connection???

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Hotpotts, Oct 12, 2017.

  1. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

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    Arghhhh!
    I am so p***ed off!
    In the last two weeks my SO has been going home durong the day to knock one out.
    Been horny as hell one night but then cold as a fish the next.
    He's been 25 minutes late picking me up one noght after I'd finished work - claiming he got distracted! No phonecall to say he was running late - I had to call him to find out where he was.
    Got up early to take me to work after the horny night when he seemed ready to burst. Drops me off and then speeds off in the opposite direction to his work. Makes up some bollocks story about needing to go to tje plumbers merchants when I know full well hes gone home to toss it off because when I suggest carrying on he's not interestrd.

    The last couple of times we have had sex he has come to bed after me with freezing cold hands bum and knees - sitting on the toilet seat downstairs watching something to get him in the mood first before coming to bed with me.
    Do they think wr are stupid?
    He even fakes O! As if I'm not going to be able to tell when there's no evidence left behind!
    Am I that unattractive to sleep with that he needs to look at other women first?
    How can he not make the connectiin that the reason he can't come with me is because he can't leave his cock alone for more than a week!
    Just a slave to this habit and can't see that M to P or Psubs is causing this f***ing problem! And he reckons he's no addicted to P! He is treating me like an idiot! I know what is going on!
    The more lies that are told the more we can see the clues
    He may have stopped watching P but now I'm second best to some lame youtube video??? Great, thats even more of an insult than watching P!!
    Why can't Men make the connection?
    ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY!
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2017
    Torn and MerseyPhoenix like this.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    So sorry to hear this.
    Truly.
    I understand how you feel tho.
    I remember a time years ago when I saw the light in the bathroom and it was the strangest thing....
    Why are you leaving the bathroom in a towel but holding your phone?
    ... So strange...
    I'm not stupid.
    It's the pinpoint eyes moment you recognize from the movies where it all clicks...
    I know you know what I'm talking about.

    My question is....
    What are you going to do next?

    Because Im only asking... As the girl who's been second best to a fail army naked magic youtube compilation.

    You matter.

    What do you want?
     
  3. Opportunity For Better

    Opportunity For Better Fapstronaut

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    Addiction is insidious. First it says, you want me. Then it says, you need me. Then it says, you can't do without me. Finally, when you've lost everything meaningful, it says, I am you.

    Before we make bad choices we believe a lie. One person takes a drug because they believe the lie that it will help them cope with life. Another person has an affair because they believe the lie that this is the only way to feel loved. And people look at porn because... "it helps me feel good", "it's not harmful", "I can't get it up without it", etc.

    The lie preys on insecurities and pretends to offer an easy way out, but the lie always leads somewhere destructive. The way to beat the lie is to put others first. Ask, "Does this decision reflect love for the other person?" If not, don't choose it. Easy to say, but it does get easier over time.
     
  4. MerseyPhoenix

    MerseyPhoenix Fapstronaut

    It's really interesting to see this from the SO's side. Thanks for sharing.My wife has always maintained she knows when I'm using and either turns a blind eye or is exasperated. When you are in the clutches of addiction you only care about one thing: the fix. That's it. It's harsh, but true. I'm ashamed to say that. Your SO will be intensely focused on himself until you get him off it. Good Luck.
    Steve
     
  5. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

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    We ended up having a row last night.
    We have bought a van to convert to a camper - first ever major purchase together.
    He was talking about getting a stereo that has a small screeen so you could plug a phone into to play music or videos.
    I got this sinking tightness in the pit of my stomach. Why do you want to eatch videos in the front of the van I asked.
    I also said i was worried about what he wanted to watch.
    He was furious and said i was accusing him of things he hasn't even done yet..

    He thinks i will never get over this and never trust him. That i should just believe him.
    I told him that it was going to take time and thete was no quick fix because I had been lied to so many times.
    I asked him to help me trust him.
    The last discussion we had he said he would watch a video but never has.
    He says he wants to deal with it in his own way.
    No idea what way rhat is
    I think he has stopped using P but has moved onto Psubs. I believe he thinks this is ok
    We made up later on - even though we nearly broke up.
    He said we need to deal with things better and i need to trust him
    If he isnt going to read up on this problem then maybe its time to talk about boundaries instead and maybe ask him to do the 120day thing. Well both of us to do the 120 day thing
     
  6. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    It definitely sounds like the two of you have communication problems. You understandably have trust issues stemming from what appears to be a lack of honesty from him, and betrayal trauma from his P use.

    First off if he is in indeed in recovery, you should mention he should have an accountability partner, do the research to help him understand how crucial this is. In my case it helped to have it be my SO. This requires full integrity, honesty, and lots of support. This has helped rebuild the trust my SO has for me, when it seemed like nothing I could do made progress.

    We participate in daily checkins, I tell her if I am having urges or struggles, and how I am doing on my goals I have set for myself. We also do weekly retrospectives, where we both communicate about the process of my recovery. This boils down to two variations of the same things. One is Mad, Sad, Glad. Where we discuss those things that make us glad (think accomplishments, or good communication), sad ( say not meeting a goal, or not having good communication), and mad ( relapses, or other problem areas that severely impact the process of recovery). The other variation on this is Keep, Start, Stop. Keep, are those things we want to keep doing that are working well. Start, are new things we want to try to do or changes to the process (I.e let’s try cuddling at night, or start practicing yoga, etc.). Stop, these are the things either we started that aren’t working, or behaviors that aren’t helping in the recovery process. It has also helps to write these down and review the things we said we would do the week before and rate how we’ve done.

    This has worked immensely for us, and hopefully is something you and him are willing to do for each other. The point is the process shouldn’t be overbearing, should go quickly, and helps foster better and regular communication and can work towards a solid recovery and healing between the two of you.
     
  7. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

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    My SO would never do all this. He would class it as pschobabble bullsh**.
    I can't force him to make the connection between what he is doing on his own and the problems in our relationship.
    I've put all the tools in front of him but he won't pick them up and fix things.
    Our sex life have improved and i feel that I can satisfy him more. He has made efforts. I dont think he watches P but Psubs instead.
    All this is just too hard for him to talk about.
    My next strategy is to perhaps be more positive and just talk about sex in general ( he is quite reserved unless we are under the sheets).
    I would also like to talk about his past relationships and perhaps he may make the connection that P has hindered his past relationships and the long periods of time he was single. Talk about my experiences.
    I don't think he has ever had a loving relationship without P in the background. And doesn't know how amazing sex can be with someone you love. Tell him of my own sexuality. I never had an O without M until O was 40! I believe I was addivted to MO and it has taken abstinence for me to see the light.

    Basically a bit of therapy without him realising what's happening!
    I have to accrpt him for the type of person he isand not force him open. I have to let him open up slowly in his own time.
    One thing We definately need to do is set some boundaries. Its our 7 anniversary soon so maybe we need an anniversary resolution - trust and truth. Try to draw a line under the past and move forward.
     
  8. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    It might sound like psychobabble BS, but it isn’t at all. The process I mentioned has been taken directly from Agile, Scrum and Lean methods of running a business or software organizations. I was certified years ago in the process, and have used it on a daily basis for the last several years in my work life. Essentially it is nothing more than a continuous improvement collaboration cycle, you adapt the process to fit your work flow, and make it your own to reach your goals.

    While I use it in my work life, I have also used it for personal, like working on other projects with folks, it is a way to stay organized and prioritize features or results to get virtually anything done. This is why I started using it for my recovery. I don’t use the entire process for this, but you could consider the backlog of work items in Scrum as improvements I want to make in my life, with my SO, that enables a healthy recovery. scrums use of daily stand ups to measure progress or expose “blockers”, had been modified to be more of a discussion on progress in beating the demons, solving blockers has been replaced with overcoming triggers in my mind. I don’t use the sprint review, or planning process, and primarily just focus on the retrospective, which I mentioned how that works in my previous post.

    If I relapse, then I’d probably blow up the sprint, and trigger a retrospective right then to discuss what improvements we can make to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
     
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  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I wish I could tell you that what you are going through is abnormal but from a SO point of view, your partner is following pretty much the normal course and exhibiting the same type of behavior most of ours did or do. First, how can he not make the connection? An addicts brain does everything it can to keep the person addicted. So while you and I are using logical minds, and saying of course there is a connection between PMO and your ability to perform in bed, the addict’s brain cannot see it that way. Their mind is telling them to use, find that high and so it tricks them into thinking things that don’t make logical sense. It is only when an addict actually gets clean and sees the benefits that they start to realize cause and effect. In my situation my partner keep PMOing for 10 months after he told me he had stopped. He was never able to O with me, and yet he did not think it had anything to do with his PMOing. He would stop for a few days and then it would get no better and so he would go back again. Finally when he got caught he did give it up and was able to O with me within two weeks. Imagine he had never been able to have an O with me and 2 weeks of NoFap and he could. How does that sound for cause and effect? But many still may decide that the benefit is still not worth them stopping. People stop addictions when continuing with the addiction is more painful than stopping it, and while good sex with you may be great, it’s often not enough alone to make them stop. Many also have the attitude that it’s just porn other guys do it, why can’t I do it? Or maybe I will just watch one video which is like an alcoholic having one drink. The addict has to be ready to quit. Did you catch him or did he come to the conclusion himself that he needed to stop? I find in cases where the addict comes to the conclusion themselves they have a lot better chance of succeeding they are self motivated. But when they are doing it just because the SO asked them to or threatened to leave the same motivation is not there. Men in particular don’t like to be told what to do, and they need to have some other personal motivation to continue. While many addicts start NoFap at the behest of a partner some eventually do see the benefits and want to stop on their own, but others continue to do it for just the partner. The latter adddicts often build resentment and anger towards the SO, they are what is called dry drunks in alcoholism yes I am sober but I don’t want to be.

    My addict ex (I ended things) also wanted me to just forgive him, move on and never speak about it again. He could not understand why I did not trust him, immediately the next day. Everytime I brought it up, he would throw a temper tantrum, or get very upset with me, in an attempt to avoid the subject. No matter how hard I tried he could not understand how he had lost my trust. A big part of that is guilt. Addicts often suffer with a lot of guilt, more than non addicts. So deep down whether he admits it or not, he feels very horrible about his behavior. He does not want to talk about it because it makes him feel so horrible and he cannot put your feelings before his. So he’s saying, this hurts too much to talk about rather than my SO is a in a ton of pain that I caused I need to listen to her. The addict is trying to speed through the recovery process to avoid his own pain. But what he does not realize is that he is actually prolonging his pain and that of the SO by refusing to deal with the situation. In order to regain trust, he has to be 100% open and he has to be willing to give you whatever you need to heal. Many either can’t or won’t do that and so the forgiveness never comes, and the So usually leaves which is what I did. The SO simply has to be willing to forgive and open to it, it’s the PA that has to do most of the work to gain the trust back. Only you decide when you feel comfortable enough to forgive, and the more he pushes you the less likely you will.

    At this point in recovery, many addicts just don’t have the room for anyone else’s feelings but their own. PMO addicts have likely pushed down all of their feelings for years via PMO, and now they are all coming back up, and he has not developed a healthy coping mechanism to replace PMO. On top of that he has guilt, and your pain, and the pain of stopping. It is very sad, but sometimes as SOs we need to realize that our partners are in so much pain themselves there is no room for our feelings in their mind, or at least not enough to put them first.

    I don’t know what the turning point is. I have asked many addicts and they often say, when she left me. It seems that is what it takes and by then it is too late. But just like he cannot push you to forgive him, you cannot push him to be sober, and sorry, that comes from within him. I would say give it time, and see how things go, this is the worst part you are in right now. He needs to work to rebuild your trust. You can help by telling him what you need. He may not know, tell him exactly what you need. You will know if he is going to make the effort or not. I gave mine six months and things never got better. He continued to lie about other things, and he never felt bad for what he did. Everytime I would bring up trust his temper tantrum would lead to the subject being dropped. I just could not take it anymore. Sometimes we cannot reach them, they have to make the decision themselves. Hugs and best of luck on your journey.
     
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