Why Lite Mode

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by MadsrMore, Mar 4, 2020.

  1. MadsrMore

    MadsrMore Fapstronaut

    Below I explain a bit of why I'm doing a no porn, lite-mode reboot now instead of a standard one. I'm here only talking about myself, and if you disagree with what I write or it doesn't apply to you, then don't worry. This is not meant to be an argument or advice.

    I had reboots of 120-days in 2018 and 135-days last year. During this time, my only orgasms were with my SO, and no more often than every 2 weeks. One of the things that really worried me in these successful reboots is how I became obsessed with sex after 50+ day range. I couldn't think about anything else. Part of my strategy was to avoid fantasizing, but to be quite honest, it would only ever delay fantasizing rather than get rid of it. Even having sex every two weeks, I still felt pre-occupied with a constant, nagging interest in sex.

    Three ways of how this obsession (even during a successful reboot) made life difficult.
    1. It disengaged me from ordinary interactions. We had a friend over when I was at 115 days, and although I don't really find her terribly attractive, I spent the whole night thinking about having sex with her. And this isn't good, because I wasn't really part of the conversation. Similar situations happened multiple times with different people. Frequently, afterwards, I would have even stronger urges for the next few days. I would seek out attractive people to look at.
    2. It led me to make bad decisions. I pursued friendly coffee dates with a co-worker I was very attracted to, and I probably wouldn't have done so as often or with quite the same interest if I wasn't so horny. During the 2018 reboot, I got really into working out. Part of me thought that I could attract interest from other women, and maybe get into an affair or open-relationship. I even started over-dramatizing the little dissatisfactions that might have been offered to justify an open-relationship. At another time, I used my sex addiction as a way to get close with another family friend who I was attracted to. I sent her a detailed letter, and eagerly looked for her interest. Again, not sure what I was hoping for, but I don't think I would have done it if I hadn't been so horny. (Here is Joe Rogan describing a similar idea about NF. While I don't always like him and alot of stuff in this video is tasteless or oversimplified, I now think he's onto something true).
    3. I couldn't focus or enjoy ordinary things. During a time when I was doing an activity that I would ordinarily enjoy, which digging through stacks of records for gems, I couldn't even focus. My attention was entirely upon women who were standing in the room around me, women whom I didn't know and couldn't even see that well. And as a result, I couldn't enjoy it at all.
    Moreover, these negative aspects of rebooting were progressively getting worse as the days ticked by. Rather than managing my sexual impulses, rebooting was making them worse. I wasn't watching porn or masturbating, but it was almost as if I had this pressure building up inside of me. I could continue going on by sheer force of will, by exercising, breathing, and posting. But there was nothing comfortable or natural about it. Every day was a test in discipline.

    I've opted for a No porn, lite-mode reboot this time. I think that a lot of people on NF look at lite-mode as a half-hearted attempt for weaklings who can't do standard-mode or hard-mode. Maybe they are correct. But I keep asking myself: what kind of change do I want? I don't want to watch porn, but I don't think that I want my life to be a constant test. I don't want to have to overcome multiple millions of years of instinctual pressure every day. I know that plenty of NF posters are challenging themselves as a form of personal accomplishment or a big lifestyle change. Make no mistake, I have a ton of respect for them. But how long can this test be sustained? It seems like everybody, with very, very rare exceptions, relapses eventually.

    To succeed in a standard-mode reboot, I needed to get myself in a monk-like attitude, in which I try to control my body fully. But I'm not, and will never be, a monk. And the failures were so guilt-inducing and painful that I'd binge for months before trying again. The black-and-white, extreme thinking of "quit this forever" just can't work for me anymore. I'd prefer a realistic, moderate approach, one that is more understanding of human nature and has more humble ambitions.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2020
  2. hollyman

    hollyman Fapstronaut

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    on Nofap subject i would find this correct but yet again i dont care of it and kinda let it go

    i once had a very good streak before this, i relapse because im transforming from porn addict to sex thirst idk what exact word to describe it.. i often imaginating about woman even tho she's not a super hot or my type. i keep imaginating em...and ogling is my everyday activities during my day. i imaginating everyday until someday my dick cant hold it and relapse... it led me to porn addict again
    3 month of chase effect until on november 2019 i started again until now

    but i learn from my mistake for imaginating and with help of fellow user here i can manage it with some technique ofc.

    not only that but i quit or try to quit some habit that will potentially break the streak. like no video games. no instagram, sugar food. and right now im struggling to lessen my use of mobile phone

    so yes its a constant test every damn day...its hard ? yes its so hard but its worth

    its like a warrior who slay his enemy everyday some day its easy some day its hard to beat monster but eventually it will make him stronger and skilled one... by the time even if new enemy appear he would slay it with less effort
     
  3. MadsrMore

    MadsrMore Fapstronaut

    Congrats on your success. I have so much admiration for people who put up long standard- and hard-mode reboots.
    This sort of imagery highlights exactly why lite-mode is appealing to me. I don't want living every day to be a matter of being a valiant warrior or else relapsing. I can't maintain that struggle. There's already enough difficulty we all have to face as part of our normal lives. I know this fighting imagery is quite common on NoFap, but I guess I'm over it. I'm trying to find a way of quitting porn that doesn't force me into such an extreme black-and-white mentality. It might be motivating, but for me at least, it's definitely not the best way to begin a more psychologically healthy lifestyle.

    (Tagging @keepitreal-88 on this post, because we had conversations this summer along these lines, and I think I kept pushing the extreme thinking.)
     
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    @MadsrMore your post resonates with me, but I ended up following a different route. Sorry if this 'answer' turns into a ramble.

    When I realised I had to give up porn, back in 2010 before this site was made, I knew that masturbation would be a useful ally in my struggle. My thinking went like this:
    1. It is much harder to stay away from porn when I am feeling horny and fantasizing,
    2. Masturbation dissipates the feeling,
    3. Therefore masturbation will help me stay porn free.
    Sometimes this approach seemed to work; I had several 3 month streaks and even one 22 month streak. But after each period of porn-sobriety I would dive headlong back into heavy porn use. Luckily I eventually found this site and everything changed for me: I have not relapsed since! It's hard to isolate exactly what made it work, but one of the changes I made after I read people's journals here was to experiment with giving up masturbation. I think it has really helped me, I'm at 1,252 days without porn and 1,243 without masturbation. I have two analogies I use to explain to myself why the combination (i.e. normal mode) has worked for me, one based of the fortifications of mediaval castles (here) and one based on gin and tonic (here). The short version is that although I do not think there is anything wrong with masturbation (quite the opposite, I think it is good for us) I have found that abstaining from masturbation helps me stay away from porn.

    @MadsrMore, like you I do struggle with sexual thoughts and fantasies. @daemonswithin has a great thread Overcoming Sexual Fantasy if you want to delve into other techniques for tackling your "constant, nagging interest in sex".

    What I love most about this site is its experimental nature. We are all here because of problems caused by our porn use, and we are sharing our experiences as we rid our lives of porn. What works for me may work for you and it may not. I am definitely interested in how your easy-mode reboot goes. Keep us updated.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
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  5. MadsrMore

    MadsrMore Fapstronaut

    @kropo82 Thanks so much for your thoughtful, articulate post. Congrats on a multi-year streak. That's awesome. I agree with everything you said, especially about NF being experimental. I guess I'm trying an experiment. You may be right that this will eventually slide back into porn use, but we'll see how it goes.

    I appreciate the thought behind the gin and tonic metaphor, which is that when you are accustomed to enjoying two things together, you won't be satisfied with one on its own. You are probably right. The other side, however, is that either one of the pair constitutes relapse. So, if I'm losing my streak, why not use porn too, since they go together so well? This is what creates the starve-and-binge cycle for me. I now think that breaking that association and separating masturbation and porn will be a healthier, more realistic goal than giving up both.

    More than you wanted to know, but to re-accustom myself to masturbation the old fashioned way, I've implemented a few rules: (1) Limit to once a week, and never on consecutive days. (2) Never visualize porn or porn-stars. Only real people I've never seen naked. (3) Restrict the times and circumstances in which I can masturbate. The idea here is to set up new, less compulsive habits.

    Thanks too for your link about eliminating fantasizing. I read through some of the discussion, but I share the suspicion of several of the posters that eliminating fantasizing isn't realistic for most people. I've tried many of these techniques (Some of them are in my 100 days success post), and to the extent that they work, it is through supreme effort of will. I'm not sure I want to expend that effort every day.
     
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  6. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I have tried to do something similar on a few occasions and unfortunately it didn't work, I always seem to do well enough for a while and then slowly but surely the urges build up and I end up relapsing really badly to the extent I really set myself back. I actually find cold turkey to be easier, not only for that reason but also because of something I heard when researching the science of addiction. What I heard was;

    "Relapsing begins in the mind well before you actually relapse"

    This resonated with me because it explained why trying to use half measures didn't work, because these half measures were setting me up for a worse relapse in the future. I would perhaps be inclined to say trying a lite mode may actually require MORE willpower, not less, but based on what you have written your addiction manifests itself in different ways to me, so hopefully it will work for you.
     
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  7. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    "Light mode" make sense to me, if your main problem has been porn addiction. Why would you even bother trying to give up MB in this case? It would be like being an alcoholic and forbid yourself from drinking orange juice ("MB" analogy), because you have problems with juice-vodka ("PMO") overconsumption. Unfortunately for many forum members, myself included, compulsive MB was our "vodka" and P was our " orange juice" to make it taste better and help us drink more (binge PMO). That's why we had to give up MB too. I don't know any recovered alcoholic who became a light social drinker.
     
  8. hollyman

    hollyman Fapstronaut

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    i think we live in such depressing world today isnt it ?

    sometime i miss the old day's tho
     

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