Why not to fap?

Hi bros. I ve recently undergone a series of relapses (fapping once in 14-30 days) and after 2+ years of abstinence I feel that I might not have control over it again. The reason I fapped after quite long period of abstinence is I think my weakness that broke under long waves of depression that been striking me for some years now.
Currently I am at day 5 of abstinence and it seems that I don’t have any motivation not to fap.
Why to pursue superpower or motivation or drive when all I want is to look *TRIGGER* at some girls with nice ankle socks? I am asking this kind of questions while having urges. I won’t fap, not quite yet because I still
remember the feeling of great depression and disgust after fapping, but eventually when I forget this feeling one get after fap I will. Something very quiet inside me still tells me not to do that but I think I need to rationalize it, or to have a strong purpose for abstaining from it.
I feel that I lack puprose in life in general and feel stuck as well but at the same time I feel that I dont have energy to start finding my purpose maybe because I ve been doing it for the past couple of years but found nothing.

 

Thank you for your replies! I will try to absorb and utilize everything you wrote.

You are right it is doing nothing for me in the long run. It is just that couple of minutes of indulgence in that meaningless but pleasurable act. It is nothing for my future, even present when when I am thinking straight now, but still in those times of depression my mind is irrational about this stuff.

The one thing that helps me, though, throughout my 7th day of abstinence today is to view porn and masturbation as unnatural. In this way I am open to whatever erotic thoughts that come to my mind howewer I dont transform them into urge to fap but rather tell myself that it would be nice to experience this in the reality and then continue my activity that I interrupted.

Thank you, very inspiring view.