Why seeking validation is bad for you

Even if you have all the approval / popularity / perfectionism in the world, you'll still get rejected by others. So might as well become the person you want to be. Self validation is way more important. Become loved by some and disliked by others rather than being liked by everyone. When you have a strong sense of self worth and an actual personality, you end up being polarizing. You'll be for some, but not for all. Just as you don't like every person out there.

In terms of other people, you can't own or control them. All you can do is your best. Meet them halfway and leave it up to them if they want to meet you there. This allows you the freedom to be who you are and other people the freedom to be who they are. This is how you get out of your own way. This is how you stop treating people you're attractive to as people to be feared.

Be a real and flawed person rather than a fake person that does things he/she thinks other people will like them for. Imperfections reminds us that we're all in this together.

Be real.

 

Excellent post, excellent reply. All that needs to be said has been said.

Never do anything for the validation of anyone, even people supposedly close to you. Embrace your mental autonomy.

 

Being autonomous is what a lot of people have a problem doing. With other people and life in general.

Good and bad will always cycle. You can't control the external. Not everything that happens to you is your fault, but it is your responsibility to control your perceptions and reactions.

One day your partner might be having a good day and you feel great, but the next day he/she might be in a bad mood... then you take it personally and feel like you did something wrong. Maybe a stranger doesn't smile back at you. Maybe someone dislikes your youtube video. Whatever it is, you can choose how to perceive and react to those things.

If you have a strong self worth, then the actions of others doesn't sway you as much. If you value self validation, then you don't need the approval of others as much. If you're mentally strong and take responsibility of what you can control, then the dualism (positive / negative) won't affect you as much. You'll be more like a stable rock in the face of crashing ocean waves. You'll be more autonomous.

Don't be a leaf in the wind reacting to every external thing that doesn't match your idea of "how it's supposed to be". Become more unreactive and self sustaining. Be a mature adult that realizes not everything works out and all you can do is your best. It's up to reality and other people to meet you half way.

 

This is definitely something I do. I've fallen out of love with my degree and I've gotten it in my head that I need people on the course with me to still think I'm invested. This has led to me spending so much time trying to maintain a persona I wear over my actual self that it leaves me tired, drained, and with little time for self-improvement. When I think about it objectively I couldn't really give a shit what people think as individuals but I still crave the validation of people thinking I'm productive and working towards a greater goal, when in reality I'm shitting myself over what I'm gonna do when I leave in late May.

Its extremely unhealthy to think like this but even when I try to come clean and admit I've lost all the passion for my education and therefore career, noone takes me seriously or tries to pass it off as me being overly pessimistic. I suppose me caring that people accept my new viewpoint is also unhealthy though, now that I think about it.

 

You're doing what's right for you rather than doing something you think other people will like you for. It's your life. They don't have to accept or understand it. Why desire the validation of somebody that was aligned to your previous path? You're on a new path now. You'll attract new people on the same path. Having the same struggles and victories. What you're doing right now is committing half way onto your new path and half way on your old path by seeking the validation of those people. You need to fully commit.

It's like that thing with the crabs in the bucket of boiling water. One crab tries to get away, but the other crabs pull it down. People don't like change. When you try to change, the people aligned with your previous self will try to shame you or stop you from changing.

You might not know what it is you're going to do by late May, but this is part of the process of you finding a better way. What you do know for sure is that you don't want to stay there. You want change. A bit of resistance from others is to expected.

You don't need them to take you seriously or give you their validation because they're not going where you're going anymore. You already know all this though.

 

It's interesting to look at both seeking in general and seeking social approval. I'm reading this interview from Discover magazine and not only is seeking one of them, there is panic which seems to be related to separation anxiety. (warning re: link it mentions in passing invasive animal experiments, some may be sensitive to that)

In our age a 'classic' thing is never being satisfied with your online presence, the number of connections and Likes. Isn't that an inherently negative, anxious/panic state? But the link goes on to talk about play which is of course a positive quality. A couple of teaser quotes:

"How could you test the idea that social attachment is related to 
chemical addiction?

I had the insight that if you wanted to understand attachment, you would have to study crying. . We took young pups and gave them morphine. Then we removed them from their mothers. The more morphine they got, the less they cried and the quieter they were. They sat alone and were satisfied, as if the mother was right there. . As with aggression, there were two kinds of anxiety systems. One was fear that a predator would attack, and the other was panic over separation."

"If you have play you become sociosexually more sophisticated. Let’s say you have the classic triangle: two males and one female, because males are competitive for sex. So if you’ve got one animal that’s had lots of play and the other animal hasn’t, guess who is successful? The animal that’s had play knows how to stay between the female and the other male. The other guy’s a klutz."

Note here: It's easy for a lot of people to think and say not just to themselves but also to other people on here "I'm not good at that." First of all, nobody gets good at something overnight and nobody starts out good at anything. Second with a quality like play it's very broad and very amorphous, there could very well be some kinds of play that you're good at, or rather you are playful in certain contexts but it may just be not showing up in the socialsexual context of dating. The point is it's important and it's a primal instinct, getting too caught up in a game is not play but it starts being a mechanical thing. In other words, you may be good at a game but suck at playing as a quality.

And speaking of Likes and being in a mechanical system, I also suggest this documentary show. Think Matrix except you're not in a pod with your biological energy being used by the machines, it's your Likes (and attention) and the pod is social media software.

https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/generation-like/

 

Yeah, you're completely right, a lot of the people I subconsciously seek validation from I dont even like, and when it comes to degree work its my pride getting in the way of making the rational decision that going above and beyond is pointless when I dont care anyway. When I go back after the Christmas break I have 2 lessons a week, the rest is free study time; I really ought to spend a lot of that time figuring out WTF I want to do and try to reignite some passion in my life, what I'm doing at the minute obviously isn't working.

 

BTW it is possible for people to seek validation ON Nofap. It may not have much impact on the actual recovery, but even if it does do we really want it to be dependent on being on here? Like is it recovery if someone totally relapses if they are not receiving the attention from this community? The intent of being validated for posts is totally different from helping ourselves and each other get over this thing. You can get into a lot of story telling and drama with the former intent which is not necessary and potentially distracting from the real goal.

 

I believe the advice / support outweighs the validation given around here.

If you give advice or support that resonates with others, then you will receive validation as a natural consequence.

It's a bit different than needing an attractive person to validate your self worth via that person responding in a positive manner... or customizing a seemingly perfect social media persona.

Although, I see what you mean in terms of dramatic story telling to receive sympathy to feel better about their situation, thus comfortable enough to not do anything about it... but that's up to the individual whether or not they want to get better or they just want the attention.

 

Yeah it's just to say notice this is possible. Not all posts deal with advice and support, and someone could dramatize a story for support when they really are craving attention more than they are needing support - in that case the attention might not go to other people who may need the support more. It's just a reality that there is only so much attention to go around and someone skilled enough can write in such a way to attract attention. It comes down to intent, nothing can be totally generalized but each thread and each person writing it will be coming from a different place.