Why won't you stop? Why can't you be honest? It never goes away...

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by FitGirlFuel, Jan 6, 2017.

  1. FitGirlFuel

    FitGirlFuel Fapstronaut

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    It never goes away does it? This battle. He will never stop looking at things. Will he? He will never come to be with anything unless I bring it up will he? My gut has been going off for a couple weeks now and sure enough came in from walking the dog the other night and saw a picture of a girls ass pulled up on his phone. Only with him to back out of it quickly. On fb. Just like I thought. It never goes away. I wanna be done. I don't want to think or care anymore. He proposed last weekend and I said yes. Thinking things were better after he had supposedly not PMO in 6 months. He swears it was just something on fb in a fittness group were in. How dumb am i!? Cause apparently he thinks im a effing retard. So dumb. So so dumb. Yet I'm being a dumb girl still sticking around. He has no self fucking control and I'm a dumbass.
     
  2. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    Trust your gut. As much as I hate to say that, in the past every time my gut had something to say and I didn't listen, second guessing myself or thinking maybe it's just fear talking, I have always regretted it. Pay attention with bravery and honesty. Don't do anything rash, but be wise. I think of marriage as serious business. You have one life to live. I'm sure it's hard to find a good man. If I were you, I would ask myself would he be a good husband? A good father? As a man, I would want my wife to think the world of me, to be pleased with her decision with no regrets. I also know that means walking the walk, not just talking the talk. Lookin' at butts on a phone ain't, in my book
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2017
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  3. Tungsten

    Tungsten Fapstronaut

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    I hope you figure it out, but I also want to warn you not to do anything too rash or with little evidence. Keep investigating but give him the benefit of the doubt. I only say this because I though my girlfriend was cheating on me and confronted her, only to hurt her when I should have investigated more and realized it wasn't a problem.

    That being said, be brave if you discover things need to change. Best of luck.
     
  4. tattleen7

    tattleen7 Guest

    You Cannot Just Stop Forever,It Is not possible at sometime after say 2 years of Complete Clean Nofap Challenge There is Similar Chance That You Might Come Across Something Sexual As It is on Your Day 7 But At That Time You Develop And Practice Control Which Is Hard in earlier stages
     
  5. Sojourner

    Sojourner Guest

    Run, don't walk. You really don't want to try to fix an emotional cripple. Find a real man who will love you and cherish you.
     
  6. FitGirlFuel

    FitGirlFuel Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I thought things were better and even now he's not being fully honest with me or with himself. He does everything for me. Treats me like a queen but when it comes to this one thing...porn... it's like he can never just be real. We have gone through all the fights when it comes to this subject, he has lied so many times. Hidden so many things until 6 months ago when I left. Since then he asked me to put restrictions on his phone and iPad and they have been on there. He swears nothing has happened but as I said lately I just haven't felt right about it all and bam. I don't think I can be with anyone ever again after this if we don't worth through it. Cause I'll never trust that any man can not be into porn. Can control himself and respect me. Before I discovered his porn addiction I actually didn't mind porn. I thought of it as something you did if your spouse wasn't home or was super busy and you had an itch to scratch. Then I discovered how much and how often and how he was passing up sex to go jerk off in the bathroom to it while I was home. And so on and so on. I will never trust that a man can have the self control again. I'll just be a crazy dog lady.
     
  7. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    Hey - the emotions are sometimes going to want to bolt like wild horses, so sometimes you just need to let them go ahead. Trust is a major issue, I deal with that a lot myself, just in trying to find a decent friend who won't back-stab and just accept me as a person for who I am. Women I have basically written off for who knows how long, for various reasons & have been solo for so long I'm embarrassed to say to anyone. Still, it hurts me to see someone else start talking about never - I mean, you actually have somebody and that means a lot.

    Much of this can really depend on what moral ground you stand on, which can shift around as your eyes open up to things (as you mentioned). That is a "good" side effect to these types of conflicts and the choices we face - it's an opportunity to re-examine our values and grow. I used to think differently than I do now. Some of the solitude that I have gone through has allowed me to try on new ideas.

    Most likely I am on a different page than you, and it's really not my place to try to convince you of whatever, but give it some time and really think things through. Don't make big decisions when you're rattled!

    I have to get off the computer right now, but I'll try to check in some time later. Try to have a good rest of your weekend
     
  8. FitGirlFuel

    FitGirlFuel Fapstronaut

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    I'm trying not too. I'm also trying to understand why it is so difficult for him just to be honest with me. A week ago we talked about it and he said he was doing great no issues and no triggers. Lied straight to my face. Again. When I have told him so many times if he tells me the truth we can work through it. But not once, ever has he come to me and said he was struggling or he saw something that caused an issue. I find out everything on my own and that's what sets me off.
    I've been trying to work on myself and how I approached different things like this. Not over reactingm but then he will sit there and lie and lie and lie or bend the truth to the point where I explode. Only when I'm balling my eyes out does he finally come out with it. Everyone has there breaking point to where they hit no more. I'm not there yet but I know if this continues I will be.

    Thank you for all your help, I really appreciate it
     
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  9. Sam_Tri

    Sam_Tri Fapstronaut

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    Hi Fitgirlguel,

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand your pain and how baffled you are by his behaviour.
    I feel like saying a few things. I don't know if they are right but I have some experience.
    There are healthy men out there. Not every man is addicted to sex and porn. And there are men that do recover from this. It is not easy, it is very hard, but it is possible. It takes lots of hard work, patience and honesty.
    Someone in this thread also mentioned that you are not responsible for his recovery. Do not think that you can fix him. That will only make it worse. If you want to find out more there are groups of women that meet who have gone through the same thing and try to help each other out. It's called S-anon or Sa-anon. There you can find out a lot more and get some great advice and info.
    One more thing. I'm 13 months sober from this addiction and I've seen so many ppl struggle living in it.. If there's one thing I'm sure of, its that your bf is not a bad person. He is just very sick. He may not know it fully, but his brain isn't functioning properly. I felt like I needed to say that. The dishonesty, the acting out, the lying. It's all part of this addiction and he has no power over it. But only he can do his recovery. You cant do it for him.
    I can't tell you what to do. But I know women in S-anon. Those groups are awesome. They have a website too, I think.
    I dunno, I hope my comment was somehow useful.
    Take care, God bless.
    Sam
     
  10. FitGirlFuel

    FitGirlFuel Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. I looked up the group and emailed them. I have been searching for people to talk to. I know I can't fix him. We have been to counseling and everything. Gone through it all. It was 6 months if he was being honest with no PMO and then bam. It's all just so overwhelming. I need to talk to other women who have been through this and how they stopped the worrying and obsessing.
    Congratulations on 13 months. That is seriously amazing. How do you do it?

    Thank you for your help!
     
  11. Sam_Tri

    Sam_Tri Fapstronaut

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    I don't. My higher power does it for me. I'm powerless in the face of this addiction. But yes, I had to do my part too and that was a lot of hard work. Their's a saying that goes like this:

    Without God, I can't
    Without me, God won't

    All of this may be kind of hard to understand right now. But if you go deeper and connect with those women one day it'll make sense. :)

    Congrats on emailing them!
    I'm glad I could be useful to you

    Have a blessed Sunday!
     
  12. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm... yeah, I would have to say from the more you describe it, do not discount your gut. You have already done a lot more than many would do to try. I mean, from where you are at (because it's hard from an outside perspective to gauge what is up)... does it seem at all odd that at this point in time he would propose to you? Is there a chance that he would be trying, even subconsciously, to "lock you in," so to speak, and that then when the "honeymoon is over" thing kicks in, he might end up slowly sliding back to the old ways? Even if not and this is just true selfless unconditional love speaking, if I were being honest w/ myself I would have to think about the longer-term picture, like say 10-15+ years from now or whatever, does it have potential to be what you would hope for?

    Keep getting lots of perspectives and sifting through this, and don't give up hope. This is rough stuff. Things like this keep circulating in my mind this notion that being a real man is a high and noble pursuit, even if no one in 'real life' notices it.

    I hope other people here offer their advice. There are some women, and also married men who might be able to give a glimpse of what is going on in their struggles?
     
  13. Zombie_Chickie2.0

    Zombie_Chickie2.0 Fapstronaut

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    Mine lies too... I could be so happy if he just told the truth, move past the things that have happened and make progress emotionally but like you I always have to dig and dig and it fucking kills any and all trust. He won't engage in the things like FANOS or cuddles unless I'm initiating and he won't talk to me until I nag him for a day and even then it's fucking lies. I'm sorry- like you I'm still with mine and it's rough some days I want to leave him so bad but I actually love this man. This disrespectful jerk who can't stop focusing on other females long enough to build up and love his own woman. Ugh
     
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  14. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    Ugh! Sorry to hear things are still...awful :(

    Makes me want to throw up.

    This whole type of behavior (P, P-subs, M, prosties) itself is a kind of lie, IMO, and it just metastasizes like like some vile cancer.

    It's good to see you around to be there for others. It might be therapeutic for you as well? What's your take - any advice for her?
     
  15. Zombie_Chickie2.0

    Zombie_Chickie2.0 Fapstronaut

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    My advice is RUN lol but that's biased as hell
     
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  16. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    Lol, yeah. Maybe biased isn't always such a bad thing? It seems like advice is one of the few [good] things that are sometimes much easier to give than receive. Ah, well...
     
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  17. Zombie_Chickie2.0

    Zombie_Chickie2.0 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly because I'm still with mine LOL I still battle daily and keep trying with him because I love him... I truly love this mess of a man.
     
  18. Hello, sorry to hear your story. The thing with addiction is.. you cannot make him change or want to change. The only option for him to recover is that he realizes that he has a fucking problem and that he himself is the one and only person in the world who can change it. Some people have to fall rock bottom to realize it. Has he ever told you that he himself sees his problem? Or is he just reacting on your pressure?
     
  19. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    I guess we can all be optimistic for each other [instead of ourselves :confused:]

    I hope that one day you are truly loved and respected as you would wish (more so, even)
     
  20. Reagan

    Reagan New Fapstronaut

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    I am right there with you! He hasn't proposed yet, but as soon as I discovered his addiction everything started to come together. That's why he's been acting the way he has. That's why everything has changed. That's why he doesn't touch me sexually. That's why he doesn't talk to me at all and we live together. I'm just starting my journey and its killing me. I'll pray for you and I hope everything turns around for you. There are people out there going through the same thing and we aren't alone.
     

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