Wife admitted to an affair tonight...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by chesnit, Nov 23, 2016.

  1. chesnit

    chesnit Fapstronaut

    And I'm devastated. She was my one and only, and just four short months ago she was behind me and my road to PEID recovery.

    Since then my use of P has dramatically reduced, although I'd occasionally relapse, I'd go for two week stretches without PMO. I'd just found a couple of accountability partners and had begun a quest for 30 days hard mode.

    Admittedly my porn addiction has had a negative effect on our love life for a long time, but I was finally on a road to recovery. Then tonight, she tells me she's slept with someone more than once. Shes couldn't say whether she'd want to reconcile if I got control of my addiction. I don't know where to go from here. It all seems pointless now.
  2. Mackswell Hope

    Mackswell Hope Fapstronaut

    That's terrible news, Chesnit, terrible.
    Whatever happens quitting is worth it - even if, in the worst case, it is about self improvement and providing a more stable relationship the next time round.
    Relationship counseling is important at this point. It might or might not be focused on staying together, but open and honest communication is especially critical right now - counseling will help with that.
    Best of luck,
  3. ax345

    ax345 Fapstronaut

    I agree, this is sad to hear, and no matter where things go from here, the effort to overcome fapping remains worth it. it's tough because your relationship is a big motivating factor. My relationship with my GF is what enabled me to really do this too. don't be too hard on yourself.
    Amazing Athest and AndySky180 like this.
  4. Traveler85

    Traveler85 Fapstronaut

    Seek counselling. If you still want her and this marriage, and I think you do. The PEID battle is yours and you are demonstrating commitment. Very sorry she decided this but I hope you two can communicate, forgive and resolve.
    AndySky180 likes this.
  5. Hutch

    Hutch Fapstronaut

    Dont want to piss anyone off, but she's seeing someone else because you would rather jack off to whatever you find stimulating on the internet vs make love to her or just plain shag her wild.

    Think about that.

    What would you do in her shoes?

    Those are the cards you have been dealt. What are you gonna do with that?
  6. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

    No one deserves to be cheated on no matter who they are. People should at least have the balls to tell you that they don't want to be in a relationship with the other person. Sorry that happened. I am not going to play the blame game. Keep going with NoFap. When you started this, it sounds like you wanted to be a better person and to have a healthy relationship. You can still do that. Unfortunately, depending on how things turn out, it may not be with this person. Think of your future and what you can offer a future girlfriend/wife. Stay strong and we are here for you.
  7. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

    That sounds like relationship dependency.

    I think you clinched too much on her, and she fled.

    Of course, if she hides the truth from you, she has has a problem, too.
  8. outedskeleton

    outedskeleton Fapstronaut

    Most of us married guys are pretty dependent on our relationship. We tend to consider our partners our one and only; hence the forsaking all others and till death do us part oath we take. So, being devastated by infidelity is a pretty normal response. I hope @chesnit has moved towards some action to help the healing.
    ax345 and DeletedAccount123456 like this.
  9. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut


    Yeah, I know, I was that way myself, but that's totally unhealthy.

    A good partnership consists of two partners who could also live completely on their own.
    Who habe their own goals, who are organized, who are socialized, who know how to deal with problems.

    The idea is that every one of us becomes such a person.
  10. outedskeleton

    outedskeleton Fapstronaut

    In this situation, I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that thinking your spouse is, your "one and only" is unhealthy.

    I somewhat agree, here. There shouldn't be a loss of self simply because one is in a relationship. But relationships do often meet dependency needs of individuals and a certain level of intetdependency is healthy.

    Regardless, the reaction of Op is a normal one. You could be the most independent person in the world and feel like you suffered an unbearable loss when infidelity of your supposed life partner is discovered. Diagnosing someone in that moment and telling them they may have been too clingy is a bit of a snap-judgement, imo.
  11. ShotDunyun

    ShotDunyun Fapstronaut

    That sucks man. I agree with some people here, that sounds like dependency. One thing we tend to fail to understand is that people wont be by our side forever. They don't have to.
    SnowWhite likes this.
  12. Zombie_Chickie2.0

    Zombie_Chickie2.0 Fapstronaut

    Being on the SO side I understand why she did it... we feel hurt, less than, used, objectified.. I would be lying if I said I didn't sometimes think about being with someone else just to experience peace of mind during sex. I want to be made love to and have a genuine sexual experience. I get why she went elsewhere but I'm also not saying you deserve it. She made her choice to stay with you despite what she knew and she should have ended things before moving on.

    I'm guessing she just wanted to hurt you which I also understand but don't agree with.

    Hugs I am sorry you are hurting.
    SnowWhite, Gooding, Hotpotts and 5 others like this.
  13. RedPillRebooter

    RedPillRebooter Fapstronaut

    Leave her. Are you forreal even thinking of staying?
    Leave her. Quit porn/masturbation ~ whatever it takes - then start getting the women you want/deserve!

    Leave her. While you where working hard, trying to beat your addiction she was bouncing on top of some bimbo she considered more alpha then you.

    Leave her. If you stay with her she'll just consider you a sorry, pathetic beta male ~ and she'll take advantage of you.

    Leave her. If you actually stay with her then you'll just end up PMOing until you yank your dick off.
    And idc if the mods ban me but this has to be said.... Leave her and beat your addiction by yourself. She CLEARLY doesn't give a rats ass about you, otherwise she wouldn't have fucked multiple guys ~ she ain't your wife no more bro, she cheated on you.

    Last thing I'll say is if you forgive her she'll take that as a sign of weakness and simply cheat on you again. If you do decide on staying with her (I hope you dont) then you must let her know that this is NOT ok!
  14. t.rapsfan

    t.rapsfan Fapstronaut

    Chesnit - I am not with this guy. Maybe the relationship isn't going to work out after all. Maybe it will. I don't know you personally, and I don't know the details of the situation. I don't think it's right for someone to suggest to you to leave your wife based off 200 words or less.
    It sounds like all the cards are on the table. As painful as it might be, it sounds like it's time to talk things through with your wife. Only the two of you can determine where your relationship goes.

    Good luck, man.
    romlel, Gooding and FearMyDiscipline like this.
  15. DarthLexapro

    DarthLexapro Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry man.

    What I can tell you is that you need to sit down and decide if it is worth reconciling after this betrayal. I'm sorry to make it sound that way, but as your wife she is supposed to have your back and support you through your recovery. Not go behind your back and fuck somebody else.

    You had a porn addiction which you are seeking help for. It's not as though you were sleeping with someone else.

    I don't know why she did what she did, but it's wrong. You need to take a step back and think long and hard about what you want to do. Talk to family and friends. Maybe stay at a buddy's house for a few days and get a handle on things.

    If in the end you both decide you wish to salvage what is left of your marriage then she needs to fully commit to being faithful to you. You've already committed to overcoming your addiction, and she responded to that by betrayal. Now it's time for her to step up and make a change.

    Best wishes, and stick with the nofap program. You're doing wonderful.
    Colin the Librarian likes this.
  16. chesnit

    chesnit Fapstronaut

    I haven't checked in with this thread in a while, but I wanted to thank everyone for their encouragement and advice. We are currently going to couples counseling and I'm coming up of 30 days of hard-mode. I have no doubt that I'm going to succeed in my reboot.

    For those that are quick to advise me to leave, I'm sure your experiences have given you good reason to feel the way you do, but in my case, the relationship itself, and the wonderful family that it created are too important to me to give up on. There is obviously a lot more to the situation than what could be summarized in a forum post, and we both are responsible for betrayal and hurting the other. Regardless, I appreciate your insight as well.
  17. Journeyofathousandmiles

    Journeyofathousandmiles New Fapstronaut

    Hey man that sucks but if you've got a family then I'd recommend putting your hurt feelings aside and doing what's best for everybody. Ignore those telling you to pack up and leave. A real man does what's best for his family first, then himself. If you guys can't put it back together or if its detrimental to your kids, then look at other options. Not for nothing but if you've been sexually unavailable to her this isn't exactly surprising behavior. I've been on the other side of this behavior and all I can say is I thank God every day my wife put her family first. I don't view her as weak and I doubt your wife will view you as the "beta male" either.
    Sadgirl and t.rapsfan like this.
  18. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    So PMO isn't cheating? It certainly feels like cheating being on the other side of it! It's still giving yourself away to other women instead of being with your partner.
  19. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

    Sounds like you're making progress. The best thing to do I think is to focus on what you can do to make a difference in the relationship, and let her focus on what she can do. Pointing fingers wont get you anywhere as some have suggested. I know a couple that went through a similar situation and they went to counseling and it helped them, and they are now happily married and growing their family. If you choose to forgive, then forgive wholeheartedly, and choose to love your wife with everything you have. Put her first, your kids second, and yourself third. From my experience that's the only way to create the marriage and family that I want to have.
  20. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Both parties were in the wrong both cheated/betrayed just one was online one was a person, both are hurtful in different ways. I've often told my husband I would have rather him fucked a girl than have his pmo addiction. That would be easier to deal with for varying reasons (which I can elaborate on if anyone wants to know).

    So both parties were wrong and hurt each other, what happens after that is what should define them. If they both commit to being honest, getting into recovery, staying healthy and accountable rebuilding trust, being in therapy individually and couples if possible... those are the things that should be focused on, whether each person is doing their half, putting in effort, and most importantly being honest. There is hope for reconciliation over time when there is commitment to health and honesty.

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