Wife dependent on porn for arousal and orgasms. Please advise.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Soulstice, Mar 4, 2020.

  1. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    *TRIGGER WARNING*

    We are in our early 50's. Been married for 33 years. We started watching porn on VHS after ~5 years of marriage. We would watch it in bed together until she got super aroused (lubricated) then stop watching and have awesome sex. It almost always resulted in her having intense screaming orgasms. There was a period of about 8 years we did this 1-2 times weekly.

    About 12 years ago, I discovered Internet porn on my home office computer. I told my wife "Hey, check this out!". She watched with me until she got aroused then undressed and sat on me while we continued watching from my office chair, her rubbing her clit at the same time. It was a quick, intense, and great orgasm for her. I think we both thought we had hit the Jackpot with unlimited porn at our fingertips.

    When she wanted an orgasm, the above quickly became our go-to method, an unspoken thing: We would watch porn together in my office until she got aroused, then she would sit on me while continuing to watch porn and rubbing her clit to orgasm.

    At some point along the way, I noticed that she would no longer get aroused without watching porn. Nothing I could do with my mouth, fingers, vibrators or all of them combined would get her wet without porn. And only on occasion could I bring her to orgasm without porn.

    With her back to me and eyes glued to the computer screen from insertion all the way to orgasm, we could no longer kiss or have eye contact. I felt a loss of intimacy and emotional attachment from her. I began to feel unattractive to her and more like a prop or masturabotory aid than her husband, her lover. Some times, when I'd begin to move myself inside her, she would tell me not to move. Just sit there. Much of the time, I felt as though my movement, touch, or words were nothing more than interruptions to her focus on the screen. All this wore on me, negatively impacting my self-esteem and to some degree, my ability to keep an erection.

    I began expressing my concerns to her some years ago. Nothing became of it. I brought it up again a few weeks back by asking how she would feel if nothing she did could give me an erection unless I watched porn... how she would feel if I could not cum without watching other women while I was inside her. She said she would feel bad.

    We began discussing strategies. First, we decided we would only watch porn together until she got aroused then stop watching to have sex. We did that successfully a few times (her orgasming). However, half the time, she would dry out a bit during sex, something that never happened while watching porn.

    Now we're talking about other ideas to reboot... to get her to a point where she doesn't need porn to lubricate or orgasm... to a point of reclaiming the intimacy and emotional connection. Ideas are as follows: 1) stop watching porn all together 2) watch it infrequently (1x per month or on special occasions) 3) abstain from sex for a period of time.

    We only watch porn together, and only once every 10-14 days (last 10 years).

    We would love to hear the thoughts (be considerate, please) of others. We would especially like to hear personal experiences from women (or their men) who have been in similar situations, and what was done to reboot, or if it was even possible.

    Thanks,
    Soulstice
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2020
  2. My wife and I used to watch p0rn on occasion, and similar situation that it really aroused her and made her more wet than us alone! It changed her into some uncaged sexual beast, whereas without it we would make love / vanilla sex. I wish I could get her back into those moods , but for me that would be trouble as it would mean putting p0rn on again and would break my NoFap streak!
     
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  3. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    Did you enjoy the porn too or was it just for the benefit of your wife? Does she respond to erotic stories (for example) or is it the visual element of porn that is important? Reading erotic stories together feels like A healthier way to fantasise than staring at other people fucking while you are having sex. At least, to me.

    If she is an addict, like many of us, she probably needs a period of sexual 'abstinence' to reset her brain to normal levels of sexual stimulation. It needs to her decision though, you can't really force her to.

    Maybe you can keep the 'intimacy' with nonsexual touching, massage, etc?
     
  4. Jnuts

    Jnuts Fapstronaut

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    Does she feel this is a problem? If so, and she wants to change then I think in your situation maybe you should try Karezza. I’m not one to push things on people but I think it would insert what you are missing into the relationship and give you guys a way to focus on the intimacy.
     
  5. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    I know the feeling. There's nothing like a hyper aroused woman sliding down on you. Read my reply below for more.


    At first, I enjoyed the porn too. But then it changed fairly quickly to me getting far more enjoyment out of seeing what porn did to my wife. I find it extremely arousing seeing lubricant flowing from her vagina, or not seeing it and her telling me to touch it. Much of the time though, even though I was sitting next to her and watching the same closeup DP penetration she would fast forward to, I would not get an erection until I either saw her flowing juices or touched her vagina. And then, with what could be some pretty severe sexual tension, when she would say she was ready, and slide down on me.... it was like absolute heaven, not only in how it felt but hearing her moans and words. Her screaming orgasms were icing on the cake.

    So yes, porn was of mutual benefit but in different ways. I got a great deal of satisfaction seeing her that satisfied. At the same time though, it was bothering me inside in ways I mentioned in my original post... and the reality that it wasn't me getting her aroused and knowing that I no longer could do that for her. Even though I was inside her... she was facing away from me, her eyes glued to the screen. While it feels so good, there is something about it that feels wrong deep inside me. Oddly though, I crave it now as I'm writing this. It has been more than 2 weeks since we have done this and I ache to feel her wetness.

    Re erotic stories: I remember reading some together earlier in our marriage, maybe before we began watching porn. I seem to recall it having a small amount of positivity to it. But it was nothing like watching porn! And I'm fairly confident in saying at this point, I doubt it would do much now.

    Re sexual abstinence: My gut feeling thinks that would be best. HOWEVER, considering our ages and how long we've been watching porn, I'm guessing it would take a much longer time to reset things than we could go, or at least longer than I could go! Though her sexual appetite has subsided due to menopause, mine is still fairly strong. My guess is that it could take a year of no porn or sex of any kind to reset her. But that's purely a guess. Maybe she's beyond the point of no return, I don't know. I'm just delving into this so haven't much of an idea how long it takes people to reboot. Seems most of the stories I've read thus far are of folks half our age or more. This means we've been watching porn longer than many of these people have been alive!

    Though my wife is really smart, and one of the finest and most good-hearted humans I have ever met, she is not one to contemplate much. As such, it didn't don on her that her dependency on porn was any sort of issue. After our recent discussions though, I believe she has come to understand what porn has done and would like to change.

    Thanks for mentioning Karezza. Though I didn't know the term, I now see that it is something we already practice to some degree on occasion, though without me abstaining from ejaculating. That would be tough!!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
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  6. Wow! Similar to my wife, we used to watch Double Vaginal/Double Penetration videos and fantasise too...often she would want me putting my fingers in her anus whilst she was on top too!
    It's a tough one, cause porn seems to 'help' women get into it all, but it can have negative impacts on men (PIED for example).

    My wife gets so wet watching porn, but regular sex doesn't seem to be as engaging for her - and it can be offputting when she's fixed on the screen and not me. Again, we don't watch it as often as we did (due to NoFap) so maybe this will change naturally and follow their own course.

    You guys seem to have lots of sex for you age though! Which is great.
     
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  7. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    My wife rarely watches anything other than DP porn. And orgasms without having something in her anus are even more rare. Bonus for me as I get to mix it up and go back there when I want.

    For me, I haven't watched porn enough alone to experience PIED. However, as I mentioned previously, the situation we've been in has messed with my erections.

    Same thing with my wife. Sex without porn does not seem overly engaging to her, leaving me with a sense that it's only mostly obligatory. She almost never goes for an orgasm without porn.

    Re the amount of sex we have, it has been in a very gradual decline over the years. When first married, we were on it 3 times a day! 30+ years later, and still learning to navigate the challenges of menopause, we do it every 3.4 days (I started keeping a sex journal last year). And of that sex these days, she goes for an orgasm once every 12 days. Earlier in our marriage, when we were having sex nearly daily, she'd go for an orgasm a couple times per week.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
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  8. You sound like an ideal husband. It’s a good thing to notice and address the decline in intimacy, and it speaks volumes. Of the quality of your relationship. I admire that kind of loyalty.

    There’s a webpage somebody I think linked here a while back that is worth a read and I think your wife should read it also.
     
  9. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the compliment! And thanks also for the link. Some good reading!
     
  10. P.s.
    My SO pointed out that while your attention to explicit details is completely fine with him, it might be a good idea to include a possible trigger warning at the beginning of those posts so anybody who might be trying to avoid getting triggered will know not to read further.

    There is a way to compact parts of a post into a link for such purposes, but I am unsure how that is done!
     
  11. When you are typing something, you can insert a "spoiler" (which I will often label as a "Trigger Warning") by using the plus (+) sign on the tool bar above and clicking on "spoiler"
    .
     
  12. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    Well, so far, abstaining from porn has not gone well. We have not watched it since Valentines day. As a result, my wife has not had an orgasm since. Worse, she has lost all interest in sex, and is now feeling insecure with her sexuality. Sex now is just for me to cum. Outside of release for me, it's not rewarding or overly pleasurable for either of us. She's crankier too, to which I react negatively to which seems to have produced a downward spiraling effect. To sum it up, we're both frustrated. Menopause no doubt is playing a role in this. However, my gut tells me it's not the only contributing factor and we both miss what we had going before we stopped watching porn.

    She has tried erotic stories to get in the mood. Does nothing except waste time. Touching and foreplay... it does not get her in the mood to get aroused either. Now we're talking about looking at hard core sex photos. And though we're not going to resort back to porn yet, we have discussed the possibility of going back to that as well, but in a modified way. We'd watch it in bed, together while holding each other, kissing, caressing, etc, then turn it off when she got aroused. In this way, we'd be engaging with each other, instead of her essentially masturbating to porn while sitting on me and watching all the way to her orgasm.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2020
  13. Les_Brown

    Les_Brown Fapstronaut

    To what extent are y'all able to discuss this openly with each other as husband/wife? Even if there's open communication, one may consider engaging a marriage/sex counselor for additional recommendations and one-on-one/joint therapy.

    Additionally, I will ask why do you two have sex? Is the goal physical stimulation, orgasm, stress relief, or emotional intimacy/connectedness/oneness? How does it make you feel that your wife needs porn to become aroused ... How does that make her feel ...How does she imagine that makes you feel?

    I concur with some ideas suggested thus far (e.g. Karezza, eliminating porn, sexual abstinence for a certain period of time). I think most marital conflicts (sexual or not) are grounded in the lack of true understanding of each other's values, emotions, and/or goals. Consider reflecting on some of the Qs I posed ... no need to respond unless you wish and see if that brings anything to light. Good luck, friend!
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2020
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  14. I agree with Les_Brown: it seems to me, based off of what you are saying, that there may be some intimacy issues between you and your wife. I don't know how you guys normally express love, but I would recommend seeing how it is you guys do that, because sex SHOULD be a fun experience BECAUSE you are getting the other off, not solely for your own personal pleasure. Ideally, you would both work to get the other off and there you have the fun.
     
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  15. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    Hi - Thanks for your reply. I would be happy to answer your questions.

    We have been able to discuss all this quite openly, I'd say. We talked about sex counseling but, finding the nearest counselor to be nearly 2.5 hours away (one way!), we didn't discuss it any more.

    Why do we have sex? Physical stimulation, orgasm, and intimacy.

    How does it feel that my wife needs porn to become aroused? It makes me feel a bit bad, lacking, that I can't arouse her to the same degree. She feels that porn has "messed her up" as she puts it, and understands if the roles were swapped (if I couldn't get hard without watching porn), she wouldn't feel good about it.

    Adding to this, she told me two days ago that she feels badly about her dependency on porn for arousal. On the other hand, she misses what it does to her and how it makes her feel to get that aroused and then have sex. My thoughts mirror hers.

    For me, it's beginning to feel like the advantages of porn, in our situation, outweigh the disadvantages. At least before, she was getting the satisfaction of that sort of extreme arousal and the resulting orgasms. And, I was able to witness, feel, and participate. And my overall satisfaction is dependent on her satisfaction. The more she is satisfied, the more I am.

    Though I don't think our method of watching porn was the ideal sort of intimacy for either of us, I think it sure beats what we have now which is essentially nothing. I have not asked her point blank if she feels the same but I suspect she does. As mentioned previously, I am seriously contemplating suggesting that we go back to watching porn similarly to how we did originally: Watch it in bed until she gets aroused, shut if off, then have sex. No more watching it all the way to orgasm which, was basically her masturbating to porn while using me as a masturbatory aid of sorts. It would be a compromise which, even though I'm not overly fond of it....at this point, it could very well be the end solution that is better than what we now have. After all, as is so often the case in so many other aspects of life and relationships, compromises are often the solution... the happy medium.

    Would love to have more feedback, from whomever wants to chime in.

    Thanks.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2020
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  16. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    Well, a lot has transpired since my last post. My wife has orgasmed four times, without having watched porn! While she HAS orgasmed before without porn, I'd say since we started watching it, it only happened a very small handful of times. But now, this is 4 times in one month!

    So, that has been a relief... especially to her I think, since she was beginning to wonder is she could even orgasm without porn anymore. And of course, there has been what I believe was some physical relief for her. Three of the four orgasms she had this month were amongst the loudest and strongest she has had, ever. And that is saying a lot!

    A couple of the times she read some hardcore porn stories (softer erotica did nothing before) beforehand which, after a 10 minute story, got her slightly aroused. I have facilitated this by sucking and fingering her. Three of the times though she used a clitoral toy called the Satisfier while we were engaging in sex, rather than using her fingers. She also learned to hold it on longer after she begins orgasming rather than pulling it off soon after she starts.

    But I digress. As hard as she has orgasmed, and the fact she's been able to so without porn, she still has not experienced any where near the sort of arousal she got from watching porn. Because of that, the sensitivity for her prior, and a while after I've entered, is no where close to what it was when we were using porn. While I haven't asked her about this specifically, she has said things leading me to believe she misses that aspect of porn. I sure do, seeing and feeling how she reacts. Because of that, I can not stop thinking about resuming our use of porn to get her to that extreme state of arousal... but not watching it all the way to orgasm.

    All that said, something I've been wondering is if we are going to be trading one dependency for another... assuming we do not resume porn to some extent. In other words, she was dependent on porn before. Now, it seems we're reaching for that clit toy. Maybe it's not a big deal but I'm a little apprehensive about the possibility of another dependency. Maybe I'm overthinking it all. Maybe it doesn't matter. I do after all, want her to be as satisfied as possible.

    Would love to hear some thoughts and opinions on all this.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2020
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  17. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

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    How long did you both abstain from sex and orgasms altogether before resuming sex?
     
  18. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    I don't remember for sure but, it wasn't long. Two weeks, maybe. Three at the very outside.
     
  19. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    Today marks 4 months of being porn free for us. I ask my wife about it periodically, and she says she's been fine without and sees no need for it... though she has been reading pornographic stories to help.

    Though she still does not experience the level of arousal she did when we watched porn, her arousal has been sufficient and the goal of reaching orgasm has been met if not exceeded. She's been consistently getting off as hard as ever.

    Personally, I miss the extreme arousal she gets from porn... enough that I've mentioned I wouldn't mind watching it a few times per year (4-12 times/year). She seems indifferent if not more cautious than I though. I'm not sure if she doesn't trust that we (or she) could abstain from being sucked back in or what. I do question it a little bit myself. She has told me she likes the feeling of that extreme state of arousal (who doesn't!), and I like seeing it in her... seeing and feeling her neediness once in that state.

    That said, at this stage in our lives...having learned all that we have, and communicating with each other better... I'm inclined to think we could pull it off a few times per year without ramifications. Then again... maybe I'm deluding myself.

    All comments and thoughts welcome. Thanks!
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2020
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  20. Soulstice

    Soulstice Fapstronaut

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    Well, now we're at 5 months of being porn free. Things are still good. However, for the first time since we stopped watching, my wife, while we were having sex the other night, brought it up and says that she misses what it does to her. I had to agree and we spoke briefly about watching it again, a hand full of times per year. I feel our feelings have swapped. In other words, I feel to be the more apprehensive one now.

    A bit surprised there has only been one response to my last four posts. :emoji_astonished: Feedback and or thoughts are always nice to have/hear.
     
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