Wife dependent on porn for arousal and orgasms. Please advise.

Goal? Variety. And that would include a mix of great sex and intimacy/connection... though not necessarily during the same session. We have, after all, been together and having monogamous sex since 1985. So yes... just some additional variety.

Thanks. I don't disagree with what you or Psalm are saying. I'm just trying to view this from varying angles and playing devils advocate. After this long together... short of swinging, we've tried about everything in the book, and nothing has aroused her like porn. We've been mixing things up these last 5 months and the goal of orgasming (when that's her goal and not intimacy) has been easily reached.

Regarding watching porn while having sex, we agreed a month or two before we stopped watching porn that we would not watch it while having sex. The last few times we watched, we watched to extreme arousal, stopped watching, then enjoyed having sex with each other. That worked out well at the time and is what we've discussed resuming... a small handful of times a year, like a treat. We both have that itch, but, it's safe to say that neither of us are 100% sure it's a good idea... as in, will it escalate to more and more until, like Psalm said, we're back to where we started, or in a similar spot. I think we could control ourselves at this point but........

I've asked her numerous times over the last 5 months what she thought about porn... like if she thought about it, wanted to resume, etc. She always said she had not been thinking about it nor did she miss it and saw no reason to resume....... until the other night.

 

Thanks for your input. Regarding what you find hard to believe, reread my post. I said "...we've tried about everything in the book...". Let me emphasize "about". Of course we have not tried EVERYTHING. However, there is very little that we haven't tried... and those are primarily the things we both have zero interest in. We have been, to a degree, been pursuing a friendship with a couple whom we can become friends and have same room sex with, or at least watch them. We haven't found the right couple yet though. But I digress.

To answer your question about whether we are truly focused on each other after watching porn then having sex: I can not speak for my wife but for me, the answer is a resounding yes. Yes, I am focused on her with no images in my mind. At that point in extreme arousal, I personally have no need to fantasize about anyone else. I believe she is of the same mindset from what I gathered in all the discussions we have had.

And yes to your last question. She has had many orgasms since we stopped watching porn. The majority were as intense if not more so than when we'd have sex while watching porn. Part of the reason, I believe, is that we're using toys on her clit (while having sex) that we hadn't used before.

So, it's not that her orgasms are not fulfilling to us. They very much are! It's her extreme arousal she got from watching porn, and the feelings we both got upon initial insertion that is not there now. There's that strong need for her to want penetrated NOW and that not only is good for her, that in itself is THE major turn-on for me. We're both extra sensitive to that initial insertion at that point, but for different reasons. Hope that makes sense.

 

The last few times we watched porn, we quit watching before having sex. So, it was not an aphrodisiac during. The porn just got things primed, you might say. But, as I said before, I can not speak for my wife. I have not outright asked her if she was fantasizing about what we had watched after shutting it off. She has however, told me many times over the years that it is the act of sex itself that turns her on. In other words, it doesn't seem to be particular actors or actresses that do it for her. I say that as she will more often than not fast forward right to the close-ups where you can't see much more of the body than genitalia and penetration. She doesn't like plots or anything that is drawn out. She likes the close-up action with excellent lighting and angles that leave nothing to the imagination.

As far as the strength of orgasms being linked to the level of arousal, I was like you. I thought the more aroused a woman was, the more intense her orgasm would be. While I think it is more likely to happen that way, I can say that has not always been the case with my wife. She has had some incredibly intense orgasms while only being aroused enough to be slightly lubricated (this in the last 5 months of no porn) upon insertion. Again, part of that is no doubt due to the clitoral toys we've been using.

All I know for certain is that female sexuality can be extremely complex. Most healthy men can achieve bliss easily and nearly every time. Women though... the stars have to be all aligned, at the right time of the month, and the moon not too bright or not too dull, and on and on. And then there seems to be a number of different ways in which they can orgasm, the intensity, etc, etc. At least this is how it is with my wife and from what I have read in studies.

Thanks for your input!

 

At 7 months with no porn, here's an update.

Things seem to change quickly at this point in our lives and marriage. Since posting last in July, my wife's libido has more or less faded away. She openly admits she's not as interested and doesn't think about it any more. Even I have lost interest in having sex with her since it seems dull and routine. But I still desire sex and long for the fire shared by two who are mutually aroused.

We've tried all the common suggestions and frankly, as suspected, they do little or nothing to excite her, or me. There's seemingly little to no fire left in her and mine is dwindling because of it. At least for her, sadly. We still have sex 1-2 times weekly, and she still goes for an orgasm about once every two weeks. But, I feel she's just having sex because she feels a sense of obligation. In return, this turns me off which leaves me feeling like I'm just using her to get off most of the time.

I get that porn can be and is harmful in a number of ways, and especially so to the young and plastic mind. But, in our case, I keep thinking that it is the missing and good functioning tool in our old tool box full of worn out tools. While things were fine initially when we stopped watching porn, over all, our sex lives has never felt more dull than it does now. There just doesn't seem to be any fire left. And that I know. And I know she recently told me she missed what porn did for her. At this point in time, I don't know what we would have to lose to resume on a limited basis. Because, right now, we haven't got much to lose, as far as I can see.

 

Update, one of which I hesitate to post. I say that because it may seem I'm an advocate for porn. Well, I'm not, by any stretch. I think in our particular case though, which I've come to believe is very rare, it goes to show that there's not a one-size-fits-all solution. To anything. In other words, as bad as I think porn is, for us, it seems to be an effective tool where no other tool worked. Yes, we have fallen off the wagon. We are watching porn again.

We talked about it a lot, in the weeks and months prior. When it got to the point we started making plans for a date, we knew we were in a better position than when we began all those years ago. We learned how powerful it is and what it can do and did to us. We went back in wiser. We agreed to watch it more sparingly, and more importantly, not while having intercourse. We're only watching until we are fully aroused then shutting it off before intercourse. We've also included touch, kissing, and petting during, components we largely ignored before.

The results seem to be rekindling our sexual energy. And her orgasms are "off the richter scale" as she put it.

Again. I am not and do not recommend porn. To anyone. I'm just sharing our experience.

 

Ah, the love of Internet assumptions and youth.

Rather than horn tooting, I'm just going to say I am fortunate enough to need not worry so much about these things you mentioned.

Also, if I didn't already mention it, my wife fast forwards to the close-up penetration. So it doesn't matter so much what the actors do or don't look like. In other words, she's not getting horny looking at them. She's getting wet watching the act, close up. The actual penetration.

I think it just boils down to having been together as long as we have. The Coolidge effect ship sailed years ago. That and porn may have done a little rewiring of her brain.