Wife Doesn't Know

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Abetterfuture, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    I joined NoFap at the beginning of the year because of an addiction to PMO and am working on a reboot. I wanted to start a reboot journal and decided this forum might be the best place for it.

    As the title of the thread says, my wife does not know about my addiction. I eventually want to be able to talk to her about it. I'll share more about that as I journal.

    My plan is to get on NoFap and read, comment and journal during the times when I would have in the past been PMOing. I am thankful for the support I have already found on NoFap and am excited about this journey.
     
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  2. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant

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    Take it from me, everyday you don’t PMO is exhilarating. I suddenly have so much time and I feel excited when I’m not laying around in a M coma.

    So I’m not a man, yadda yadda. Let me tell you that I had the worst pied. Sex felt like a romantic chore. The more I don’t M, the more I think of sex with my SO. It’s simple logic: starve the porn cancer and cultivate intimacy.

    Good luck to you.

    Not M’ing and not PMO’ing benefits more than just your relationship. You’ll feel like a lighthearted, deserving person with tons of moral credit!
     
  3. diesel2256

    diesel2256 Fapstronaut

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    Once you're ready to "come out," it really feels good to admit it -- at least it did for me. Granted, it was to a girlfriend at the time not a wife. Hopefully she isn't one of those "holier than thou" types :p
     
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  4. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    The biggest challenge with my wife is that I fear she has no way of getting support. She has struggled with depression and I have encouraged her to get therapy but she has refused. She doesn't even have close friends or family that she could talk to. When I tell her about my addiction she is going to have some tough emotions to deal with and I feel like she will need someone to support her.
     
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  5. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    She may surprise you. I have one friend but I don't talk to her about this, neither do I tell my family. No therapist either. I struggle with anxiety mostly but have times of depression as well. My outlet is here mostly. My bf and I are also working together. Don't keep hiding things from her because you think she will take it hard or not be able to handle it.
     
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Agreed. Make sure you aren't just using this as an excuse for not telling her. No matter how much it hurts her, every day you keep this from her will make it worse when she finally finds out.
     
  7. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Agreed most definitely. I don't have much support either and have struggled with anxiety / depression. What has absolutely made things worse for me was not so much dealing with his addiction but him not coming forth and being honest with me in the first place. Every D-Day, and there's been a few over the years, I have caught him. Never once did he come forth on his own. I believe I would feel very differently had he shown responsibility and honesty in the first place.
     
  8. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Susannah and HonestyMatters. I appreciate hearing perspective from the other side of this. I have been reading through a thread on NoFap titled "Rules of Engagement: Let's talk about Disclosure". It's a long thread so it may take me a while but I want to be able to do this the right way.

    A little more of my background with my wife:

    Around the time that we dated I was seeing a professional councilor for P addiction and was able to build up a good amount of sobriety. I told my wife (girlfriend at the time) about the addiction and was able to talk one-on-one with her. She was initially supportive but I could never get her to attend counciling or a support group with me. She is an extremely introverted and private person. Not long after getting married we struggled with infirtility and she became extremely depressed. During this time I relapsed. I sought out a religious councilor for help and told my wife about the relapse. She again refused to go with me for any sort of counciling or therapy. I was able to get good help and support through church to become sober again. The infirtility problems continued and my wife's depression worsened to the point where I feared she was suicidal. At some point I relapsed again and was counciled not to tell her because she was potentially suicidal. Time went on, we did IVF and had twins and moved away from the church group where I had received help. I eventually slipped back into the P and M addiction and it was easier just not to tell anyone. She has not shown suicidal tendencies in a while but I have doubts about her emotional stability.
     
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Think about it in a different way. What do you think her emotional stability will be when she finds out on her own that you relapsed and have been lying to her about it? I used the word "when" because there is never an "if." It is always discovered if not disclosed.
     
  10. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    I completely understand and do 100% plan on telling her. I just want to do it the right way. So don't take this thread as "should I tell her?" but "how should I tell her?"
     
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  11. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    Things have been going pretty well with the reboot. I have been able to dismiss urges fairly quickly. Last night I was watching a movie and there was a scene that I initially told myself wasn't triggering but I can tell by my mental state since then, was triggering. It's like a preoccupation with the thought that won't go away. It distracts me from everything. I can't focus on my work. I've been in this state of mind plenty of times before and it has always led to PMO. I am hoping that talking about it here will help me to get out of that state and move on. Anyway I think I need to be more careful with my movie selections.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  12. I told my wife, without being specific, she knows I’m an addict in other areas , at least I was before I met her, so she knows my character, the same way your wife knows your character
    I really thought any disclosure would destroy her
    But it’s made us closer
    Women know anyway, they’re such instinctual beings
    My wife recently has hinted at knowing all along
    Saying stuff about when I was most distant
    I’d say if you’re scared then disclose in a non detailed way, but say the truth
    I mean what else do you have to work on other than the secrets keeping you apart?
     
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  13. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    While you're working out how to talk to your wife about it, you might find support starting the NoFap Academy Course, my husbands currently doing it at the moment or there's another free workshop you could look at, it may help keep you on track and stay focused. I'll put the link below. The workshop is brilliant but I definitely prefer the NoFap forum here for discussions. Best of luck!

    http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_contents.php
     
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  14. motion2082

    motion2082 Fapstronaut

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    My partner doesn't know either but we're sleeping in separate rooms as things are not the best in our relationship atm
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2019
  15. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing these threads. This is great information. I have some questions about the "Rules of Engagement: Let's Talk About Disclosure" post. Given the background I've shared about my wife not wanting to go to a therapist how do I get her get her there? Even before I read this information I was thinking it would be ideal if I was able to disclose my addiction in the presence of a therapist. I'm just not sure how to get her to agree to meeting with one. You also mentioned each spouse having a support person there as well. Again I can see a great benefit in having this but have no idea who we would use. It would be difficult for myself to talk about these things in a room with 5 people, for my wife that would be a nightmare.

    I hope you don't think I'm dissing on these ideas because I really do think they are great. I just need some advice on implementing them.

    A few more questions:
    Is this the process you used for your disclosure? Do you know of others that have used this process? I'd be interested in hearing some first hand experiences with a disclosure session.

    I hope these questions don't make it sound like I want my disclosure to be an easy experience. I know it is going to be hell. I just want to make sure I do it the best way possible.
     
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    If she doesnt want to go to a therapy session with you, dont try to persuade her. She has made it clear she doesnt want to go. I am the same way. I will not go with my husband either. But he's okay with that and respects my feelings.

    It is often stressed that disclosure needs to be done in front of a professional in a controlled environment, but there are many men/women/couples that do not desire to do it that way. Additionally, many women do not want "support" people in attendance. Often times it is taken as she was ambushed, with you as the aggressor, controlling the environment so as to control her reactions. Many women do not want to share this kind of trauma in the beginning and want to process through the initial feelings on their own.

    The key to a successful (if you can call it that) disclosure is to know your spouse, her personality, her wishes, and put her feelings above all else. You stated that your wife would feel like a disclosure with a therapist and with various support people was a nightmare. You know this about her. So dont attempt to coerce her to do things your way. She will find you to be manipulative and gaslighting her.

    If you dont want to just come right out and say it without other people there, you could also write her a disclosure letter. @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has a template to help out.
     
  17. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, this is helpful to hear a spouses perspective. If you don't mind me asking, do you have anyone that you do talk to or do you find the support you need through online forums? I've thought that an online forum may be the best way for my wife to get support. I'm just not sure if that will be enough given her history of depression.
     
  18. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I know you asked EyesWideOpen but seeing as I am a SO alsoI thought I'd answer too. I don't talk to anyone in person about this or go to therapy. It may be recommended and may help but it isn't the only way and may not even be the best way for some people. I use this forum for support. It has helped both my boyfriend and I a lot.
     
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I do not speak to anyone professionally. I have two friends that know about my husband's addiction and are supportive, but we have never talked in depth. I attempted counseling with a CSAT once that claimed to also work with betrayal trauma. He made things worse. There is something called therapy induced trauma and that was exactly what happened. I will not attempt therapy again.

    I have, however, developed a couple of very close friendships with some other SOs on these forums. So much so that we have become friends outside of the forums, regularly checking in with each other and supporting each other.

    Every person copes with their trauma differently. Some need and want a professional, others make their journey in other ways.
     
  20. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Hi, this is going to be super weird, but I just want to clarify for the masses that I'm not your wife & you aren't my husband.

    I did IVF & had twins, too. Similarities make people go hmmmmm?.

    Good luck in your journey & again, sorry for the random weirdness.
     
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