wife finally caught me

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by jas..., Oct 17, 2016.

  1. jas...

    jas... Fapstronaut

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    Ok, so my wife finally caught me.

    So my wife and I (married 16 years) have had a pretty awful relationship for most of it. Lot's of background I am not going into yet. Both Christian, have two kids. Neither wants a divorce. Needless to say we have had very little intimacy over the last 5 to 10 years, as in very little. Maybe once every 4 to 6 months. So what I don't get is: if my wife hates me that much and refuses to ever be with me, why does she care what I look at? I have only done this to fill a void. She has no interest in physical intimacy. Why does it bother her? I honestly don't get it. I do know it's wrong and I know I need to stop. I am the loneliest married guy I know.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2016
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  2. NewLife101

    NewLife101 Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you are here at NoFap. Stopping PMO has given me a new lease on life; try it... see how you feel.
     
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. Many of us older guys have been in your shoes. I'm married (almost 18 years) with two kids and I was on the brink of losing it all back in December. Over the years our marriage steadily declined and we devolved into roommates who occasionally had sex. I did not realize how PMO turned me into a shadow of my former self. My addiction made me secretive, deceptive, a liar, emotionally unavailable, angry, irritable, and withdrawn. My addiction was my solace and my mistress. I believed it was the only thing holding me together.

    I understand how you feel. When life is miserable we try to cling to anything that makes us feel better. When someone tries to take away our one thing we believe makes us feel better we are naturally going to feel angry and resentful. When someone wants to take it away we try to hold onto it even stronger. It's our security blanket, it's our teddy bear, it's our one and only reliable coping mechanism. We can rationalize: if you aren't going to take care of me then I'm going to take care of myself. I thought that a lot... do you feel that way?

    Do you acknowledge that you are an addict? Addicts form relationships with our object of addiction. It takes first place in our lives and others are sent to the back of the line.... wife, kids, family, friends, employer, and God. It's not easy to say but I used to love porn more than I loved my wife. Nothing made me feel as good as when I PMO'd. I did anything I could to prevent anyone from taking away the thing I loved the most.

    Unfortunately I was blind to the fact that the thing I loved the most was the thing that was slowly killing me. It also kept me blind to the damage I was causing myself and those around me. Addiction creates the illusion that our emotional need are being taken care of, but we are surrounding ourselves with a false reality. After a while we realize that our addiction is not making us happy so instead of looking for other sources of comfort we turn more deeply into our addiction.

    Porn slowly strips away our humanity. Our brain structures change. Our brain chemistry changes. Our thoughts, feelings, and behavior all change for the worse. Our desires and sexual appetites change. We become more selfish and self-centered. We become depressed, angry, and numb. We become less empathetic, less aware of others needs and feelings, and more isolated.

    Finally, since you are a Christian I'll include this reasoning as well. Jesus said at Matthew 5:28:" But I say to you that everyone who keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." You are breaking your marriage vow by craving to have sex with other women. You are committing mental adultery by imagining yourself having sex with those porn stars. Morally, married men vowed to have these thoughts and feelings only towards our wives. It is a betrayal to your wife to engage in PMO.

    In conclusion, we use PMO to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape negative feelings. Our addiction gives us the illusion that we are functioning human beings, but we are slowly turning into animals. We become slaves to our addiction. So, do you understand why your wife would be upset with you? Do you see how this coping mechanism slowly destroyed your marriage? Do you see how this addiction turned you into a horrible person? Would you want to spend time and invest yourself emotionally with a person who cannot think straight or feel normal emotions? Can you see how this turned you into a leering, perverted, insatiable, sexually twisted person?

    I'm not saying these things to be mean. I WAS THE SAME HORRIBLE, MISERABLE PERSON. Many married men on this forum would say the same things about themselves. The problem isn't our wives. The problem is the way we cope with stress and anxiety. I needed to change a lot of things about myself and I am now a totally different person and my relationship with my wife is much better... nowhere near perfect... but a lot better.

    Waking up and realizing we have an addiction is the first step in the process. There are many things we can do to work towards recovery. I won't flood your post with future steps. I just wanted to sympathize with your situation and try to give you hope that recovery is possible for you and it is possible to rehabilitate your marriage. It's time to regain your humanity and win back your wife. With a lot of work and advice from this forum you can have a better life.
     
  4. jas...

    jas... Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your detailed and thought provoking response. I have a few responses to some parts of your response. I hope that made sense.

    "We can rationalize: if you aren't going to take care of me then I'm going to take care of myself. I thought that a lot... do you feel that way?"
    I will admit, absolutely.

    "Do you acknowledge that you are an addict? Addicts form relationships with our object of addiction. It takes first place in our lives and others are sent to the back of the line.... wife, kids, family, friends, employer, and God. It's not easy to say but I used to love porn more than I loved my wife. Nothing made me feel as good as when I PMO'd. I did anything I could to prevent anyone from taking away the thing I loved the most
    ."

    Yes I am addicted to porn. Although I do not love porn more than my wife. I love my wife and want to be with her. She is unavailable and has been for many many years. That's why I turned to porn in the first place. There are some deep issues that my wife brought into our marriage that I didn't find out about till after we were married for a few years and having great difficulty. I am not saying what I do is ok and I am not blaming my wife for what I do. But, she refuses therapy and refuses to deal with the issues. So to get some relief I turned to porn. It would not be hard for me to turn away from porn, if my wife was available and willing to work with me. She isn't now and hasn't been for many many years. I cannot control her, nor can I know when or if she will ever be willing to work out her issues and have a relationship with me.

    "Unfortunately I was blind to the fact that the thing I loved the most was the thing that was slowly killing me. It also kept me blind to the damage I was causing myself and those around me. Addiction creates the illusion that our emotional need are being taken care of, but we are surrounding ourselves with a false reality. After a while we realize that our addiction is not making us happy so instead of looking for other sources of comfort we turn more deeply into our addiction."

    I don't love porn and I admin I could be blind to the damage it's doing to me and other's around me. I have no illusion my emotional needs are being met, I know they are not. I am miserable in my loneliness.

    "Finally, since you are a Christian I'll include this reasoning as well. Jesus said at Matthew 5:28:" But I say to you that everyone who keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." You are breaking your marriage vow by craving to have sex with other women. You are committing mental adultery by imagining yourself having sex with those porn stars. Morally, married men vowed to have these thoughts and feelings only towards our wives. It is a betrayal to your wife to engage in PMO."

    I am committing adultery in my heart, absolutely. I am not craving to have sex with other women at least I wasn't in the beginning. I still crave sex with my wife. It's just not available. I did only have "these thoughts and feelings toward my wife" in the beginning.

    "We become slaves to our addiction. So, do you understand why your wife would be upset with you?"
    yes, or at least more so now.

    "Do you see how this coping mechanism slowly destroyed your marriage?"
    Not yet

    "Do you see how this addiction turned you into a horrible person?"
    I feel wrong for answering this way, but no not yet. I don't feel like I am a horrible person for wanting to be with my wife which is unavailable.

    Would you want to spend time and invest yourself emotionally with a person who cannot think straight or feel normal emotions?
    no, but I don't think that is who I am.....yet?

    Can you see how this turned you into a leering, perverted, insatiable, sexually twisted person?
    no, but I don't think that is who I am.....yet?

    "The problem isn't our wives. The problem is the way we cope with stress and anxiety."
    I still think a lot of the problem is my wife. I don't know how else to deal with the stress and anxiety of a wife unwilling to have a physical relationship with her husband without porn.

    "Waking up and realizing we have an addiction is the first step in the process. There are many things we can do to work towards recovery."
    Please don't take any of this the wrong way. I am seeking help and just trying to be has honest as possible. So, what's the next step? I seriously have no idea where to go from here.
     
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  5. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for being so honest in your responses. I'm sorry I asked you some very unpleasant questions. It's hard to tell how far down the road of addiction a person has gone. It sounds like many of your marital problems pre-date the addiction which is unusual because usually it happens the other way around. In dealing with addiction we learn to change what is in our control to change. We cannot fix the other person but we can change ourselves. Many times the first step in fixing a relationship is to fix the underlying issues in each person first.

    With a more accurate assessment I will give you some suggestions with how to proceed.
    Read about addiction here: http://www.NoFap.com/porn-addiction
    Read about rebooting here: https://www.NoFap.com/rebooting/
    Watch this video on porn addiction: www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
    Find an accountability person here: https://www.NoFap.com/forum/index.php?forums/accountability-partners.7/
    Start a journal in the folder appropriate to your age. Include questions if you want feedback.
    Post questions in the 'Rebooting in a Relationship' folder concerning relationship advice.
    Educate yourself by reading scientific articles here: www.yourbrainonporn.com
    Identify your physical and emotional triggers. Avoid or address those triggers.
    Build a toolkit of alternate coping skills or distraction techniques.
    Other books I have found helpful: The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken
    Or: The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography by Wendy and Larry Maltz
    If you feel you need professional help then look for a therapist who specializes in sex addiction... they seem to be the most helpful.
     
  6. tbriana01

    tbriana01 Fapstronaut

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    Your post struck a chord with me. I'm also new here, and my wife caught me in my addiction as well. we've struggled with intimacy for years now. turns out, porn has been to blame all along. it implants this fantastical sense of what sex is supposed to be into your head so much so that real world sex just can't measure up. For me, I always have had expectations that naturally don't get met (because they're motivated by porn), I would then get angry, and sabotage the sesh so I could go retreat to my jerk-off cave and get what I wanted while my beautiful wife would lay naked and crying in our bed. The best sex for us has been while I've been porn free. The best parts of our relationship have been while I've been porn free. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. keep your head up. abstain. use the panic button. post on the site. go to meetings. it all helps. it's all worth it. we're all here for you.
     
  7. jas...

    jas... Fapstronaut

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  8. tbriana01

    tbriana01 Fapstronaut

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    no i get it. my wife too has a severely diminished sex drive. hers comes from my porn addiction and the way i've been about sex over the years. there's always this worry that it won't work out when we do actually get together, which is almost always my fault. which leads to me retreating and getting what i need from my laptop.
    when i'm off porn completely, things get so much better. i've struggled with the same thoughts as you. why are we so different? why can't we have sex more? at least for me, the answer to those questions has been and my problem. remember, we're all in this together. good luck and i wish you the best.
     
  9. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Men who use porn are almost always terrible lovers.....
     
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  10. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    Wow. Thanks for that dose of reality.
     
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  11. tbriana01

    tbriana01 Fapstronaut

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    so, so, so incredibly true.
     
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  12. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    While that may be true, some or our marital problems are rooted in things that may pre-date our relationship or addiction. Part of recovery is about accepting responsibility for what we have done or will do and move ahead from that point. I believe the OP is finally realizing that pmo was not an acceptable outlet and will have to find a solution that works for him.
     
  13. Anona

    Anona Fapstronaut

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    Desires, yes, I buy that one, But needs ?
    Do you have needs that are more important than your kids reaction when they eventually stumble upon your porn stash? Kids growing up these days are so tech you are not able to outsmart them.
    Are you going to tell them that their mum was unavailable, so you had to resort to strange women pixels on a screen because of your needs ?
    Please sit down and write a letter to your kids why porn was more important to you than their feelings and well being. You can ad that the time you was not able to watch them playing football ore horseback riding was because you was tired after wasting hours looking at hard core porn instead of sleeping.
    I was the one clearing out my fathers stash after he died, guess what I think about my father to this day, 35 years later ?
     
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  14. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    Wow! Was that a shocker to you? Were you aware he had a stash? Please remember your father was a broken wounded man, not much different than you and I. Just like you and I hope that people show you and I some grace and mercy when thinking about us and what we have done, see if you can show your father some grace and mercy and forgiveness. After 35 year, it is time to get this resolved and not eating at you. Talking to a counselor would be a great start.

    FW
     
  15. Anona

    Anona Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn't know, we have not made love in ten years.
    Thanks for the comfort, guess I have not missed out then. He has 100% digitilized his "needs" and sexuality .
     
  16. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    Anona, with a little investigation, I see that you are female and a SO, so some of what I wrote, which I thought I was writing to a male porn addict, may not apply. My apologies for assuming everyone on here is a male porn addict.

    FW
     
  17. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    :(......
     
  18. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Also an SO here :)
     
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  19. Anona

    Anona Fapstronaut

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    Broken ? Why should he be ? He had a loving wife and 3 healthy children. I am not religious, (he was the one attending church) and I am not broken ore bitter.
    I do not need to pay anybody to talk to someone. Fortunately I have friends, and of course I told my partner the story and that I was against porn before we started the relationship.
    I was the oldest, my mum was sad after he died, so I was the one clearing out so she did not have to. I did tell her afterwards, not the amount, ore details. When you live in a dedicated relationship, you do not need porn.
    Well, I guess I can thank my father for not being naive today. Guess that he is the reason I am not in the same chock as most partner after finding out on my partners porn use.
     
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  20. jas...

    jas... Fapstronaut

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    I do not need porn. I do need love and affection as we all do. While that was unavailable for 10+ years I turned to porn and for that I am deeply troubled and the reason I am here trying to reboot my brain. I am sorry you have been hurt by porn from your father, partner or whomever.
     

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