wife finally caught me

Hey jas..., have you considered marital counseling for you and your wife?

 

Go to couples therapy. It's a life saver. You have way bigger issues here than not fapping. Sounds like many many deep hidden issues. Get to the bottom of it. Nothing is unfixable.

 

You should go to counseling yourself and get the conversation going. Then start discussing with your wife the things that need to be worked on in order to make sure your marriage remains viable. You should at some point be able to tell her you have an addiction now, and it's because you have a need and desire for normal marital sex. Ask her what the options are, given those ground rules.

 

Porn or no porn, the relationship with your wife seems very unhealthy. Refusing to have sex because of personal issues, but then also refusing to try to find solutions for those issues seems unreasonable to me. If she doesn't want to have sex, that is absolutely her right and no one should challenge that, but if you DO want to have sex, then clearly you two are not compatible. Life is too short to live a half life. That is the reason I have decided I will no longer stay with my husband if he chooses not to recover from his addiction. You need to quit porn for you, because you want to. It seems you just as urgently need to quit the toxic dynamic you have with your wife. I am only going by what you say about the situation and obviously we don't know her side of the story, but if it is as you say, that her lack of desire to have sex has nothing to do with you, your porn use or your clearly unhealthy relationship, then my advice would be to seek counselling to arrange to split amicably. As I said, life is short....

 

And she absolutely deserves to know you have a P addiction. I know in my own situation, my husband was/ is unable to see how much this addiction has affected our relationship and the intimacy that is required to have a satisfying sexlife for both of us. The addict in him also makes A LOT of excuses to himself about why he has "turned to porn". Non of these are true as he was using porn to deal with his issues long before he met me. Porn is not a healthy part of any relationship, no matter how we justify it.

 

@fuzzywaz I totally agree, at least in concept, about splitting up if the problems are unsolvable. But some folks get into a comfortable pattern and any kind of big disruption would seem like too much to deal with. Not to mention the cost of setting up a new living situation, and then the effect on the family itself. I considered such drastic steps but then dismissed them due to the above reasons. I'm glad I did because our situation now is steadily improving. My wife's big concern it turns out was that our kids would hear the noise of our love making and that made her very uncomfortable. The kids are gone now.

 

I totally get it... I don't make these statements lightly. I have 12 years, a home, and 3 beautiful babies with my partner.......I am comfortable and happy in our life together in almost every other respect. But his porn use and the effect it has on his brain and our relationship has become a dealbreaker for me. I refuse to live a lie and sacrifice the parts of myself that want a truly connected, honest, respectful and loving relationship and sexlife.....

 

Wonderful to hear you and your wife are healing and becoming more happy/satisfied together, tbird. I am hoping beyond hope that the situation my my husband works out as well. He is on his second attempt to kick the habit and has committed to d it right this time. Yesterday was 7 days successful in hardmode.

 

I had some feelings as yours. Thanks God they were not overwhelming, I know your struggles are much deeper.
When I found out about addiction I struggled a lot with my self image. I saw myself as ugly compared to those images I saw on the screen. I craved for sexual attention and admiration. I wanted that attention. When I went to the store to buy some clothes I picked up the sexiest and wanted to buy. I know I'm not ugly and I would see other men appretiating my beauty in mini skirt and high heels, tight dress.
And that was because my "needs" were not met, my self esteem was ruined. But what would be the outcome? Would it be healing? I suppose no. May be I would rise my self esteem but ruin my soul. Does it worth it?