Wife found out my secret, wants to leave with my 4 month's old daughter

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by DanS, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. DanS

    DanS Fapstronaut

    My wife found out that I have this dirty business behind her back. She was really mad first, but after I told her about this addiction and that I've tried to stop it several times she calmed a little bit. Still thinking about to leave me and take our daughter with her. I'm down in the hole, this is the biggest crisis in my life and need some help to keep them.

    Has anyone been in the same crisis? Some advice how to keep my family together?
    I'm 32 from Hungary
  2. Your wife has lost all trust in you.

    You have told her, truthfully, that you've tried to stop and failed.

    How do you suppose that this makes your wife feel? She feels that you find her so disgusting that you have to use porn, and you can't stop. You and I know that it's not true — your wife is probably beautiful, and you have a foul addiction — but that's how she feels. How she feels is the most important thing.

    I'm confused, though. You say that you still have this problem, but your counter says that you've been no-PMO (no porn, no masturbation, no sex) for over a year. Have you forgotten to reset the counter, or have I misunderstood your post?

    The only way that I can think of (maybe someone else has a better idea) is to show your wife that you are truly trustworthy, and that you are a man strong enough to give up this rubbish.
    • Delete all porn that you have. Seriously, all of it. I don't care how much time, how much effort and how much money you spent on it. Throw it all away. Do it now.
    • Install a proper porn-blocker on your computer and phone. Use a password that's impossible to remember, and give the password to your wife. You don't get to keep it.
    • Don't use porn. Ever. That includes prostitutes, strip clubs, whatever.
    • Don't masturbate. Ever.
    • If your wife wants it, agree to see a marriage counsellor… and take it seriously!
    • Take a strong and powerful interest in your wife's life and interests. Be genuinely curious about how she feels about things. Listen, without interrupting, even when you hate what she has to say. Do things together with her, but most importantly, listen.
    I don't know if this will be enough to regain your wife's trust. It could take a long time.

    I wish you luck. I hate it when marriages break apart.
  3. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Your situation is very common, there is heaps of posts already on here about this exact same circumstance, unfortunately for us addicts we nearly always get caught out rather than admitting, part of the addiction. Start with the below, disclosing with your wife. You need to be 100% honest with her now and forever. The last link will give you a lot of info on someone facing a similar situation, hope it helps and good luck. You can also look at my Journal, not as good as below but I am in a similar situation as you.

    Simple Disclosure vs Full Disclosure


    Rules of Engagement: Let’s Talk About Disclosure

  4. ProtagonistOfMyLife

    ProtagonistOfMyLife Fapstronaut

    Well, I don't know your exact circumstances but it sounds like you wife is overreacting to me. give her some time to cool off. Of course P-addiction is a bad thing but it's not like you cheated on her with another girl.
    Just sit down with her and ask her: "What exactly is the reason that makes you want to leave?" I don't know how you treat your SO in general but if you treat her half-way decently a PMO-addiction is no excuse for leaving and taking your child away. Sure, it probably shocks and pains her that you have that problem but this doesn't mean she just gets to run off rather than help you with your problem. It would be different if she tried already and it didnt work out many times or if you were uncooperative, but cmon she just can't be up and away because you have a problem. You probably provide for your family and work your ass off to make sure they have all they need so it baffles me how she just wants to leave you.

    Did she just want to stay away for a few days or completely break it off with you?
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2019
    DanS likes this.
  5. DanS

    DanS Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for the support and the links, I'll read them. I should have known that this is a common problem, maybe I should have search for this kind of threads before I post mine.
    Yes my counter is not up to date, I didn't log in for a long time to this website.
    Liv4ever, Mordobarn and Br1 R1 like this.
  6. you’re very wrong about this. When a husband goes behind his wife’s back to PMO leaving him satisfied and too tired to have sex with her, she feels it no differently than if he had cheated.

    I explained it to my man as if I was having webcam sex with a hot friend of his and was too tired to have it with him. I would argue that it’s not cheating because it wasn’t physical. I know, you’re thinking it’s different because it was a friend and not a random person...well, to her it doesn’t matter if the person is random or not. It was the spouses decision to choose something she can’t compete with.
  7. ... and just to Clear that up... I never had webcam sex with a friend of us just used it as an example
  8. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

  9. I thought this as well. But then I thought, "We're on a site specifically for porn and masturbation addiction, so I'll take that as read unless he tells us otherwise."
  10. In the environment in which I grew up, feelings were considered invalid and had to be suppressed. It took me years of therapy and learning to undo that.

    Learning to treat feelings as valid regardless of the perceived "facts" was a huge step for me, helped me to recover and find inner strength, and has helped to make me some great friends who appreciate my non-judgemental approach.
    Lilla_My, Kenzi, de severn and 2 others like this.
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Also watch this video! This will help!
    DanS and Mordobarn like this.
  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

  13. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    Just a warning that this is terrible advice. Your wife has the right to leave for whatever reason at whatever time. A betrayal is a good reason to leave. What you need to do is give her a better reason to stay. Be the man you want to be, not the weak man who turns to P and M for whatever reasons you might have. Boredom, addiction, escape, thrills, whatever. They are all terrible reasons for engaging in behaviour that clearly has the potential to destroy your relationship. The popular perception amongst men who use porn is that it isn't as bad as/isn't the same as cheating with a person 'in real life'. Perhaps not, but that does mean it is not a complete betrayal. Take a moment to think what porn use really is. You are pleasuring yourself sexually to the FANTASY of sleeping with other women. You are choosing the FANTASY over intimacy with your wife, not even the reality. Imagine how hurtful that is.

    You masturbatory behaviours do not exist inside a vacuum. They affect your mood, your enthusiasm (or lack thereof) for sex with your wife, your time-management and efficiency, and worst of all your wife's feelings, her self-esteem and her confidence in your relationship. You know how P use makes her feel (terrible enough to want to leave, along with your child) so now you have the incentive to stop. Your wife and child are worth more than the freedom to masturbate to whatever imagery of whoever you feel like. Show your wife and child that they are worth more to you. Quit porn, quit masturbation and quit looking for reasons why what you did was justified. Noone is betraying anyone when they start to M, and P is often discovered alongside one's sexuality. Now is high time to ditch the habit you developed along the way.
    Lilla_My, EyesWideOpen, DanS and 7 others like this.
  14. DanS

    DanS Fapstronaut

    That's a very useful one thanks!
  15. DanS

    DanS Fapstronaut

    You're right I didn't share specifics - she found out that I download P in my browser history.
  16. DanS

    DanS Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for your help!
    So at first she was upset because she feels that I've betrayed her - and I totally agree if she feels that way. She said that I could have tell her about it before our wedding to have a clear start or I could have stop it when our daughters born. And she was right and I was thinking about the same at that time and my addiction has changed after those important events. It has been a long time that I just downloaded some films and just watch them without touching myself.

    But after that I decide to tell her that I think this is an addiction and I told her about it. That it begins with my father's playboys ... and so on. And we agree on that I'll seek for professional help, I already have two appointments next week. I told her that I'm willing to do anything what it takes to gain back her trust. We agreed on that I go first alone, she doesn't feel like coming with me yet.

    So after all they stayed and now that's all that I wish for.
  17. Well done, @DanS . Honesty goes a long way. Good luck with your therapy — it can be difficult, but I can tell you from experience that it's well worth it in the long run.
  18. @GhostWriter has a blunt approach, even harsh, but he's right — as long as you don't believe in the need for a full recovery, it won't happen. I'm hoping that winning back your wife's trust is just one part of all the good reasons why you want to recover. Another good reason is this: What type of a role model do you want to be to your daughter? But, as @GhostWriter says, you also need reasons for you.

    Regarding therapy, I'm all for it. I speak from personal experience. What I do know, not just from my experience but also from many others', is that every therapy works for some people and not for others, and for some aspects of a problem and not for others, and it's impossible to predict for whom and for what.

    For that reason, I recommend that you don't stop at just the one type of therapy. Here are just a few suggestions: Ask your GP; counselling; meditation; yoga; CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy); hypnotherapy; mindfulness; NLP (neuro-linguistic programming); matrix reimprinting; systemic constellations; clinical psychology; EFT (emotional freedom technique). There are many more if you take the effort to look around. Do as many of these as you can (not necessarily at the same time!). You'll find that one or two will do wonders for you; some will do good; some will do nothing; and some will irritate you. The last one is in fact important, because if you ask yourself why you feel irritated, you can often find an underlying problem!

    It's a difficult but amazing journey that you've started. Difficult, but worth it.
    Liv4ever, Kenzi and DanS like this.
  19. ImpureHuman

    ImpureHuman Fapstronaut

    You have the mindset to recover from this addiction and gaining her trust. Just patient and honest with yourself and trust process. Use this as a chance for an internal transformation.
  20. DanS

    DanS Fapstronaut

    I see what you mean, but right now she can't see that how she'll profit from my recovery. The way she sees this problem now is I made a mistake and I should repair it in myself and make it up to her to rebuild our relationship. It was not her who betrayed, lied and caused the damage.
    I accept her opinion, but I hope that until this process she will realise that this takes the to of us to rebuild our relationship.

    Yeah ok. You see I don't have recommendations for professional help, so I serached for one on the internet and I've found a psychiatrist and I think that's good for me because I think I used to have problems with alcohol maybe I generally have some problems with addictive behaviors. And the second one is a sexual psychologist maybe she is a bit more into the PA thing. And after the consultations I'll decide which one I need.

    Yeah I know. This is not the first time I try to stay clean, but I need to get some grabbing point to hold to when urges came. It was probably the biggest trauma of my life, it is not that "oh you watched porn again, didn't we talked about that's wrong and you'll stop!?" It is "if I don't stop I lose everything that I love" kind fo stuff. It is the bottom. I rather like the I don't care about days, because there is no turning back attitude. I understand the logic behind your reasoning, but I don't feel that way yet. I have to do the work myself and her trust will come back naturally ok, but I feel I'm doing this for my family.
    1dayattatime likes this.

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