1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Wife Hates Me and Going On Holiday

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by JamesTheSquirrel, Sep 22, 2019.

  1. After admitting my PA to my wife things between us are in a very bad place right now. (Links to my initial post: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/24-yr-old-new-to-nofap.250644/#post-2246184 and journal: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/jamesthesquirrel-progress-log.250744/)

    In her own words she hates me, she feels betrayed and her confidence on herself was destroyed by me choosing PM over her.

    We are on a break (definitely exclusive). Still living together and I'm trying to make things work but it's difficult to say you are in a relationship when the core trust was destroyed.

    She has been really supportive so far in helping me get set up on NoFap and sorting out webblockers.

    In 3 weeks we go on a big holiday. It's for over two weeks as part of it is going to a friend's wedding. One of my other friends is staying with us so we will be spending most of our time with him. At times the 3 of us are sharing a room. At the moment I'm sleeping on the floor.

    I know that 3 weeks is far too short a time to make any real progress in fixing our marriage. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this situation?
     
  2. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    Make some rules before the holiday so you guys can talk and try to straighten some things out. But only time will tell. Good luck.
     
    Acky31, mrtumnus and JamesTheSquirrel like this.
  3. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    JTS you made the right decision to come clean even though you had just lied. That shows a lot of courage and commitment. For me I was like yourself and unfortunately I was found out event though I was supposed to be clean and had done a 90 day reboot I got back into P. I was trying to get clean for for my wife. I realised I had to do this for me, then it just works out for her. I had to also realise I had caused her Betrayal Trauma, look it up it's real and a shitty thing for us PA's to do to someone we love. I also had to make some really hard choices and set up some strict boundaries, if you search on here you will find info on this also. I also get a lot out of listening to podcasts, the Betrayed,Addicted and Expert (BAE) are great and gives a good understanding of what is required and what your wife is going through. She is suffering because of what you did, you need to let her know it had nothing to do with her it was all you and your addiction. If she is not on here she should get on and check out the partner support groups. She will need help and support, you need to realise the suffering she is going through. I hope it all work out for you, you sound like your committed and I hope to see you on here more.
     
  4. Thanks. We've been talking a lot the past day. I think we are slowly making progress. I'm going for 90 days PMO and that's not going to change.

    I'm still not sure whether I should tell my friend who is going with us. Maybe things will have begun to improve enough by then that it won't be an issue but I guess we will see.
     
  5. You've summed up a lot of how I'm feeling right now. Betrayal Trauma seems to be exactly what my wife is going through. I feel like something has finally clicked with me in that I have actually started to come to terms with how my actions have hurt her. I am determined to beat this and be the man she used to believe I was.

    My wife has been posting on the loveafterporn subreddit and it seems to be helpful for her. She is also fully involved in my use of NoFap and determined to keep me accountable going forward (me being active here is part of the terms for me not being kicked out).
     
  6. Hey bud.
    I read through your story ...

    I am sorry you are having a tough time. It’s going to get worse. A lot worse.

    In some ways healing is not what we fantasize it to be.

    Plus... at the end of the day if this is just about your marriage then where it falters , or when it fails your “goal” now is contingent on your reconciliation with your wife. Meaning...Your wife is not the best reason to do this. She is human and Can have moments that can threaten your emotions which can lead back to pmo .


    Read journals here to see what I mean.
    Plus she doesn’t have to reconcile she gets to choose.

    Honestly I’d suggest you really dig and ask if you want this MORE THAN your marriage.

    That way you can be sure you are not susceptible to the daily/ weekly , nuances of bt that will surely test your resolve.

    SO path to healing is independent from yours. Can take years. You don’t get to plan your success around her healing ... one of the best I’ve read here in this is aspiring master.

    Hang in there man.
    Keep posting.
     
    Acky31, Nugget9 and JamesTheSquirrel like this.
  7. Be patient. The greatest love we can show our spouses is to accept that we have indeed betrayed them--we accept responsibility for that--and let them judge us now by our actions, not our words....judge by our lives as they now unfold. Be present. Be attentive. Be slow to anger. Be accepting of her roller coaster feelings. Etc. It will get better.
     
    Lilla_My, PaulPaul, jolee80 and 4 others like this.
  8. Thanks for the reply. I hadn't thought of it that way. I've been very focused on doing this to save my relationship and I know that this process has to be about fixing myself.

    I know that it is going to be difficult. I know that my wife still hates me. I know that neither of those things are going to change any time soon.
     
  9. Thanks for the reply. I'm hoping it will get better. For a long time I told her I was going to change and continued to lie to her. Being honest has helped me to begin to realise just what a terrible person this has lead me to become.

    I'm making changes for myself, to be a better person than I was. My wife can no longer trust my words but my actions going forward will hopefully be proof enough of change.
     
    Acky31, Br1 R1 and Jefe Rojo like this.
  10. Sounds good bro,
    I think you should read the journal of one of smart and funny writers here to get my point.

    @SuperFan .

    Beating porn post-divorce is the noblest mindset. Doing it to save your marriage can be a subtle manipulation (of yourself).
     
  11. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Nothing you can do about that, my friend. The one thing you do have control over is what you choose to do today, and moving forward. Just focus on trying to become the best version of yourself--which I'm assuming will be a porn-free self. Not only will you feel much better about yourself as you move through recovery, but it's the best way to restore your marriage if it is going to be restored (because that's also up to her). In the end, get better for you, not for your marriage. Your marriage may never recover, but you still need to.

    That's great--but just be careful. In my experience, if the wife ends up being the one with the controls for the internet filters, it creates a situation where she's kind of like the police, you know? She's the one checking your browser history, the one you have to check in with if you need to adjust the filter somehow, etc.

    From now on, you should be the one making choices about your recovery. It's common for wives to want to control it--my wife was researching therapists for me to see, for instance. But recovering is your job, and you should be the one grabbing the reigns and taking responsibility for it.

    Yeah, 3 weeks is a drop in the ocean. Don't worry about trying to "fix something by vacation." Just take things a day at a time and let this be the start of a new life for you. It'll get better.
     
    mrtumnus, Br1 R1 and need4realchg like this.
  12. We do seem to be making progress. I think the key is to keep on communicating with each other. That way we get to properly understand what the other is going through and begin to build bridges. I've started to actually understand how much I hurt her and what she is going through. I think that being open with her and opening up about my previous actions and my current thoughts is the best way to restore trust.

    I definitely needed a firm hand to begin with to properly get myself on the road to recovery and hold me accountable. I got a bit caught up in self loathing but as I've continued reading I've realised how much I need to do this for myself. I'm trying to be as proactive as possible on the forum and in holding myself to account.
     
    VK2019 and Jonny1992 like this.
  13. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    753
    5,873
    123
    I hate man who make their wifes suffer.

    But I love Guys who admitted they did something wrong, and trying to change, YOU are one of those. Proud of you, even thought I don’t know you.

    And communication is very important. If you feel bad again for what you did, tell her, and how you feel and why you regret. Also tell her, with honest, when there is something that you love about her. The little things make a relationship stronger. Be cautious thou, that you don’t hurt her with words.
     
  14. Daedaleus

    Daedaleus Fapstronaut

    Checking in, I'm rooting for you James, keep up the good work! It's a long and difficult road, but I know you can be the man you want to be, both for yourself and for your wife.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  15. VK2019

    VK2019 Fapstronaut

    34
    88
    18
    I'm going to try, to the best of my ability to give you a few guidelines here.

    She hates you because because you "betrayed" her and her "confidence on herself was destroyed" by you "choosing PM over her".

    Let's apply some problem solving skills here and take it in reverse, similar to when you want to achieve something big in life and you have to break it down in steps.

    We're going to reverse engineer this one.

    1. "choosing PM over her" - Fact, you didn't choose PM over her, it was your addiction. It was your subconscious mind that dictated 95% of your behaviour (this is a known fact proven by science, just Google "95% brain activity is beyond conscious awareness". Make a list with 50 websites that speak about this so you present a lot of PROOF.

    Reality is, your addiction choosed PM over her, not you. Yes, you did have 5% control over the addiction, but we as humans also have self-sabotaging behaviour. We say we want to do 10 push-ups for the next 30 days and 90% of people don't follow until the end. That's the self-sabotaging behaviour.

    And it's not about willpower. You do have willpower yes, but your reward system (from the brain) is rewired in such a way to almost always win a battle against "YOU".

    2. "confidence on herself was destroyed" - This is her own limiting belief system speaking (her subconscious mind) She said that because she was programmed / conditioned during childhood to think like this about the subject in hand.
    In reality, your P addiction has NOTHING to do with your wife. I assume you started watching P way before you got married. That means you were already addicted!

    3. You "betrayed" her: Again, her subconscious mind talking on autopilot because she doesn't know how to react to this. I understand that.

    4. "she hates me": She does NOT hate you, in fact she LOVES YOU DEEPLY. She just doesn't know how to react to this situation. All the negative talk you got because of this was all her conditioning from childhood.

    I'd urge you to talk to a therapist and you both go. I'm dead serious about this.
    There is no shame in seeking help. Seeking help makes you move forward. Seeking help keeps you togheter!

    Chances are, you won't be able to change her limiting belifs on your own if you don't have enough knowledge and practice about psychology, and truth to be told, she's at a point where she might not even be available to "listen" to what you have to say.

    Go seek professional help!

    While on it, you can solve two problems:
    1) Her limiting beliefs about the entire situation
    2) You curing from the P addiction forever.

    On a more energetic level, BEFORE YOU EVEN START A CONVERSATION WITH HER.
    Dedicate yourself to her entirely! Do everything she always wanted you to do.
    If you have a broken light bulb inside the house, fix it. We as men tend to "forget" about stuff like that.
    Do as many "small" things you can for her as soon as possible to show your love for her.
    Once she notices it, or after a specific amount of activities/time you did things like that, I'd suggest going to her and CUDDLE with her. Don't even speak. Don't speak anything! Just tell her this is not the moment to speak, this is the moment to re-connect our souls. Just hug each other for as many hours as you can possibly do! That will re-create the bond between you, between your souls.

    After you do the things mentioned above, she will be more open to talking it out and you can present the things mentioned above and suggest therapy. Say things like "Even if you don't want to do it for you, do it for me. I know that you love me despite all this and I know you want me to be better, to be clean and fully dedicated to you. I promise to be the man you need, but I need you to do this WITH me.

    Something along the lines.

    I truly hope this helps you man!
    You can do it!
    You love your wife!
    Your wife loves you!
    Re-connect with her, show her how much you love her even when she's giving you a hard time.

    Most importantly, please seek professional help. It will fix both issues and you'll be back smiling with your wife in no time!
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  16. Thanks for all of the support everyone! I thought I would give a quick update. I'm 6 days into no PMO and going strong.

    It's been a real roller-coaster of emotions for both of us the past few days. I've gone from self loathing and shame, to determination to change , to feelings of intense passion. My wife has gone from hating me, to disappointment and confusion, to general sadness.

    We have talked a lot. It's been difficult at times but I've committed myself to being open and honest. I think the key points going forward are that firstly we both want this to work but that unless I am committed to change my wife will leave.

    Secondly, its going to take time. I've spent over 3 years destroying our relationship and it's going to take a lot longer to fully fix things.

    Thirdly, going no PMO is difficult for me but I need to keep in mind exactly how I have made her feel through my actions. In a way this is arguably greater motivation for me as I know how much she has suffered involuntarily.

    Very much I am doing this for myself but I don't think that the benefits to our relationship are completely separate from that. I think the key is to focus on making myself a better person. I think that starting Nofap is really helping that as it's making me be incredibly mindful of my thoughts and actions.

    It's less than 3 weeks until we go away now. We've decided together that we aren't going to tell our friend who is coming with us. We don't want to make him uncomfortable. We are back to a level where we are comfortable spending time together in public (and at home).

    I'm still sleeping on the floor. This started due to my wife not really trusting me to be alone in the spare room and also not wanting me sleeping in bed with her. I think both things are completely understandable. I have turned this into an act of penance for myself. It's a reminder that things are not fixed between us and to not be complacent. We know that we are going to be sharing a bed while we are away and are both prepared for this. It's almost easier that there is going to be another person in the room as not being overtly affectionate is almost expected.

    Overall, things are looking positive. We (in particular me) are certainly not out of the woods yet but I am confident that I can become a better person; the person that my wife once believed me to be and someone who I have respect for. Once again thank you for all the support and advice so far. I'm putting regular updates in my journal regarding my progress but I may continue to update this thread re my relationship progress.
     
    mrtumnus and need4realchg like this.

  17. I remember embracing the “floor stage”. It was hard at first but I learned to accept that it was a metaphor for how I felt. Maybe that’s my weird self esteem issues speaking.

    I eventually graduated to an air mattress. But I feel like it really helped me to recognize my need for ascetic principles in that condition.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  18. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    That's understandable, but I'd highly recommend that the firm hand not be your wife's.

    But that's just my opinion.
     
  19. Hi, James. Your story really resonates with me. I'm 10 years into my marriage, but I had a DDay around the same time as you, about 3 years into our marriage. Unfortunately, I didn't stay faithful and fell back into PMO (no NoFap back then, I don't think anyways). I really hope you are able to stick with it and avoid the same mistakes I've made. Your SO and marriage will thrive if you do!
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  20. Quick reply, all the best on beating this addiction! Know that there are many people here to support you.
    And, have a combat plan to beat those urges. It definitely gets easier over time but beware of triggers.
    All the best, it’s rough but I think you are doing great.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.

Share This Page