Wife needs advice from men.

[An0nym0usWife]

Hello,
I'm not entirely sure if I'm in the right sub thread here. My apologies if I've gotten it wrong. I've been trolling the web looking for a good place to try and anonymously speak with other men suffering DE. It's not a widely spoken about subject, but I'm hoping I've found a good community here, since having looked through some posts, you guys all speak so openly about it and support each other wonderfully. May I just add how great it is to see a community of men holding each other up!

So onto why I'm here....
My husband is suffering severe delayed ejaculation, or more accurately in his case secondary absent ejaculation. He says he's okay on his own. He just can't get there during sex. Now given the way he masturbated, I strongly suspect it's a case of this 'death grip' as it seems to be coined. Though, of course I'm not him, so I obviously can't be sure. Honestly though, there's absolutely no way of replicating his type of masturbation in sex. Very typical of what I've read of this death grip, I'm pretty sure he's strangling it and about due to pull it off.

Now, the sexual issues of being partnered to someone with DE are pretty secondary right now. Besides I do know his preferred masturbation style and stroke so at least he can reach orgasm during sex, even if it's not from the actual sex. I do what I can, I don't make a fuss out of it when it doesn't happen. The problem is we desperately want to conceive a child.

Now the reason I'm hoping to engage with some of you fine gentlemen is this; I have no idea how the hell I bring up the whole idea of nofap without making a big deal out of his situation. Talking straight, if I mention the issue he straight up avoids any conversation. I KNOW making any kind of deal out of it won't help. I HAVE to come at it with a "it's not a big issue" approach. Given how desperate we both are to start a family though, it kinda is a big deal. We've been trying for almost 2 years, but with 2 orgasms from him in the last year, it's obviously not been very successful.

So guys who have, or are still dealing with DE, can you advice how I can sensitively coax my husband into an actual conversation about this and looking into ways to solve it. Which I strongly suspect nofap would be the answer. I've read every medical journal and doctors blogs about this, so that when I can somehow get him to engage with me, I can at the very least be armed with information and offer more than just "go to a DR and deal with this alone". I get that it's a sensitive subject for most guys. I get that he wants to avoid it, but honestly I can't really do this whole TTC thing like this much longer. I'm about due to just give up on the whole idea. Which would be a deal breaker for him, as he wants children more than anyone I've ever met.

So guys, is there any advice you can offer? Ways to try and gently bring him into a conversation and encourage him to try various techniques to resolve this? Things I definitely shouldn't say? Maybe someone said something to you, that while well meaning was in fact super hurtful?

I don't want to belittle, upset or otherwise make him feel worse, but we do really need to try something more than his preferred, me just pretending nothing is amiss.

Plus regardless of TTC, or not it would be really great to see him get off again. It sucks that he's not experiencing that anymore.

So yeah, I think I've kinda managed to explain myself as best I can. Hope I'm in the right place, but if not I do apologise and will delete this post.

Huge thanks in advance guys. I thought that perhaps men who have, or are living with DE would be able to offer the best advice on how not to make him feel worse about this. I know he isn't exactly feeling great about himself over this, I'm very conscious that one wrong statement or comment could be really hurtful, no matter how well meaning I am.

 

[An0nym0usWife]

Well, in my case, I have realised that my DE problem wasn't because of my (highly frequency) masturbation habits, but because I wasn't feeling relaxed enough during the sexual act. You know, I had always in my mind ... "I have to perform well", "I can't fail her again", "she has to enjoy it", "she can't notice I've masturbated before". With all that weight over my shoulders ... I think it's understandable ... nobody can perform properly.

Maybe he's not relaxed enough or he's thinking ... "this time I have to do it better". In that case, perhaps having sex after a nice romantic dinner with a good bottle of red wine ... could do wonders!

Another thing that could help you both is trying different styles and see which one makes things easier.

It's great see you showing so much respect and understanding for your husband.

Wish you the best!

Thank you. I do think you're right and there is likey an aspect to it of performance anxiety now. It's gone on for a long time, but without him actually speaking for himself I can't be sure.
I've tried pretty much everything I can on my own. Meaning I've tried making it as relaxing as I can, nice dinner, no pressure all that.
I tried going in the complete opposite direction of sponatiously doing the whole lingerie and dom sub thing.... which in hindsight just added pressure, my dumbass thought it'd distract from the whole thing.
I've tried switching it up position wise in as many ways as I can possibly conceive.
I think I've bought every toy on the market to add stimulate to sex. Which actually is how he's managed to reach climax twice, with anal stimulation and penile stimulation simultaneously. So limited success there.
I've tried completely backing off and just letting him put it on me when he feels the desire, in the hope that, that removes any pressure from me.

Neither of us drink, but in a moment of selfishness I did consider getting him drunk. Which I wouldn't actually do, of course.

After 2 years, I'm totally out of ways to try and subtlety tackle this. All the stuff I've tried, I've been able to play off as just something new to try and nothing to do with his DE. It's not like I wasn't like to try all sorts of stuff before the DE started.

I just think at this point, we need to actually address it directly. Again though I desperately want to be able to provide support and not accusations or added pressure. I'm not a guy, I can't know how it feels to have DE, so it's difficult to address this without saying something that just makes the whole thing blow up and become more of an issue than it needs to be.

 

[An0nym0usWife]

Little by little I've been performing better with my wife (or so I think). The thing that she was my first (and I really hope last) one ... didn't help either. Maybe he only needs time ...

I'm not sure speaking with him about a problem that he already knows and he should be perfectly aware of ... it's not going to add even more pressure to him.

If you both are more or less happy with your sexual life as a couple (maybe it's not perfect, but there's lots of love, so ... who should care?) and the only pressure is you don't want to wait too much to have kids ... maybe you could find ways of getting pregnant despite this issue.

I mean hopefully it'll come back on it's own sooner or later, at the end of the day I can get him off with a hand job to finish, so we can at the least kinda satisfy him. Besides, sex isn't the be all and end all. Sexual satisfaction is something we can and will find ways of doing regardless of the issue. As you say our sex life isn't perfect, but who cares? Some days it's great, some days it's not. Does it really matter overall?
Yeah, the main concern is the TTC. He has personally put a time limit on it. He wants to conceive by the end of 2020, or not at all. So I'm a wee bit at a loss as to how to address it. I've read some great success stories from at home insemination, so that does work. I just don't think theres any way to possibly say "hey why don't we try the Turkey blaster method" without really insulting him. It would NEVER be meant in any kind of degrading way. It's just a genuine logical solution, that totally removes pressure to perform in conventional sex, but still allows us to TTC. I'd be happy to just go on contraceptive until it's better, to remove that pressure. He on the other hand won't even consider stopping TTC temporarily.
So I doubt that's an option. I think the whole TTC just adds even more pressure.
Okay sorry, I got a bit off topic-ish there.
I guess I just feel so frustrated at the fact that realistically there isn't much I can do to help him with this. It's awful seeing someone struggle with something and not being able to help. I only get the whole thing second hand, I can't imagine how it is for him.
Okay, sorry. Rambling.
Thank you so much for your comments!! Xx

 

[Faceplanter]

It's not clear to me what you views are on his MO / PMO (?) habits beyond the DE. If the DE is the main problem, I think you need to be completely direct in this. You say that you know his "preferred masturbation style and stroke" and using that knowledge, he can get off during sex.

In the short term....can't you both use that knowledge to get him close to an orgasm and then move to penetration to try and conceive. I'd normally say that a death grip situation would benefit from the whole hard reboot approach so he can get used to lower sensation....but maybe set that aside for later if the clock is ticking. One thing you might try to get him doing along with this is kegel exercises as strengthening that muscle might allow him to get to the point of no return for orgasm and still get to penetration before ejaculation.

I guess the short version of the above is can he be the turkey baster?