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Wife of a pmo

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by bitter taste in my mouth, Mar 14, 2018.

  1. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm making judgements based on the information given.

    Sure, there may be other issues in your marriage that need to be addressed, but you have blamed your wife for you becoming an addict more than once on here. The choices you make due to your troubled marriage are on you. You can't heal until you stop making excuses for your behavior and take 100% responsibility.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2018
  2. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    How can someone betray a marriage bed in which they sleep alone for years....

    Betrayal is not only about fucking or wanking. Betrayal could be when you just not care about your SO when all his life he had been not with anyone else emotionally, sexually, romantically close... How would it feel if your wife wakes up and comes to kitchen every single day the kid had school but not otherwise? When your SO comes to door every single time you are taking the kid out but NOT every single time you go iut alone?

    How dare you say I betrayed my marriage without knowing the entire story. That is because you are stuck with your SO stand and you judge based on that.
     
    Immature and Deleted Account like this.
  3. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    I agree I am responsible for all my decisions. That includes the life partner I chose. That includes how I invested all my life in one single person. The ultimatum arrives in couple of months. I worked my crazy build the life we live.

    I am 100 percent dedicated to my reboot. Because I was responsible for my PA.

    But I will make her see what she did to me. And I want to decide further direction only after that.
     
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  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm going to say this one last thing and then I'm done because we've gotten off topic from the OP. If you wish to discuss it further, feel free to start a new thread or PM me.

    I understand that you are angry and resentful against your wife for her part in your crumbling marriage. And she will have to own her part in it. But no matter what she has done or what she hasn't done, she is not responsible for your PA in any way. If she refused to have sex with you ever again and slept in a separate room, she would never be responsible for you choosing to seek sexual release elsewhere.

    When I used the word betray, I used it in conjunction with the phrase "marriage bed," meaning sexually. I do not reference any other kind of betrayal. However, since you brought it up, even if she had decided to step out on you to be with someone else, she is still not responsible for your response to that. It doesn't give you a pass to go out and do the same thing or have a free for all with PMO. She would be responsible for her actions and you are responsible for yours.

    I am very sorry for how things are going in your marriage. I wish you luck getting it back on track.
     
  5. Thanks a lot for your empathy! That means a lot! I hope you keep up at your journey and be successful in reconnecting with your wife!
     
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  6. Before you say anything, I’m not here to kick anybody. Honestly been part of this was one of the last things I could imagine in my life.
    I understand that if you are here is because like me, you want some help. That’s why I’m gonna answer your questions. Thank God I’m in a pretty good shape. I’m 6 years younger than my husband and look younger than my real age. People usually say my daughter and I look like sisters. I didn’t put on weight during those years. It sounds ridiculous saying those things, but I think it’ll help you figure out my real situation. I have never refused having sex, let alone used it against him. Actually, before the DDA, arguments were really, really rare if we can say they ever happened. Now, regarding the question why he started to PMO, I guess he’s the only one to be able to give you the answer. That’s the question I keep on asking him.
    I can say that your remarks didn’t affect me at all, considering what I just said. What I can’t avoid imagining is how devastating it would have been if any of your hypothesis were correct in my case. Besides all the trauma I’m through right now, my selfsteem would be totally destroyed, I would feel guilty, twice devastated.
    I just spent some time answering your questions to try to show you that although in some cases the SO might have some responsibility, the ultimate choice is the PMO. If you blame someone else for a bad decision, it means you’re in denial. In this case the healing process is not possible.
     
  7. Thanks everybody for been so supportive! That helps a lot!
     
  8. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

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    Good! As I said before, but it might be worth hearing again, you're obviously a terrific wife and mother. We're with you.
     
  9. You're doing more than observing, you're stirring things up. I believe everyone can have an opinion (after all, I've just told you mine), but remember this thread was started by @bitter taste in my mouth to discuss the situation going on in her home, between her and her husband, talking about her feelings. This thread tailored to her situation, not to a general discussion of man hating.

    If you have a point to make or an opinion to put across, you would reach more people if you opened a thread in the general forums, rather than in the middle of one woman's struggle.

    If you're only here to observe, then only observe. "First, do no harm".
     
  10. In this case I can just feel sorry for the fact you have nothing better to do in your life! If I was not related with the issue, i would definitely be doing zillions of other things far more interesting!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Dean Bowman

    Dean Bowman Fapstronaut

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    Look, I know you are angry and it feels like a betrayal, but I think you need to recognise the need to forgive your husband. That is not an easy thing to do I know, but pmo is what we are all struggling to recover from on here and we have all messed up. The point is, everyone does horrid things and what makes pmo so easy to justify is that the only person you can think of being harmed is yourself. Obviously, that is not true. Pmo affects everyone around you and this is clearly the case with your husband. The truth is, this is the world we have all helped to build. I'm not saying that your husband is not at fault, but it is a part of life to struggle with these things and when you got married, you promised that you would be there for him. I am guessing you are a Christian if your husband is a minister so this is one of the most difficult but central points of the faith, but you must find it within yourself to forgive him, no matter the pain he has caused, no matter the length of time it has been happening. Tough lesson. Sorry.
     
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  12. I will remind all users that this is Bitter Taste In My Mouth's personal journal. Please stay on topic and do not derail the discussion into side bars on issues that aren't related at all. Some of the more unhelpful comments have been deleted.
     
  13. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Dean Bowman it's not even been a month since she discovered her husbands betrayal. She does NOT need to forgive yet or think about forgiveness, she probably is still processing what the hell is going on. I am almost 2 years in and still working on forgiveness. You may not know about betrayal trauma or what is actually harmful to SO's, and suggesting SO's move on, forgive, get over it, are actually things that retraumatize the SO's because it completely invalidates their experience and pain. Check out my resources thread in my signature to be more educated when you come onto the partners section. Great articles and video's on betrayal trauma, and how each person heals at a different speed. PA's are like, "ok you know, let's move on" because they've known the entire time, while the SO is Shell Shocked, her whole world destroyed in a second. It's a trauma, and trauma takes TIME to heal from. The average time to heal from betrayal trauma is 3-5 YEARS. She isn't even a month in, please, let her heal at her own pace.




    Quoted this so in the future you can be more helpful when coming onto the partners section. Look at the way your sentence was worded. "Feels Like" is very invalidating. It doesn't "feel like", it is a betrayal. And she may well know that forgiveness is part of the journey but it can happen later down the line, she doesn't need to do anything but mourn the relationship she thought she had right now. The first three months are so volatile with such deep painful emotions. A more productive way to help an SO could be saying something like this,

    "I know you have been deeply betrayed by your husbands PMO. You are new to this and all the wounds are very fresh. In time, as both of you work through recovery, forgiveness will be something both you and your husband will come to. He will eventually need to forgive himself for the things he has done, and you will need to forgive him as well, for your own healing."


    Also, @bitter taste in my mouth that Fight guy has trolled a lot of other threads and isn't a "partner friendly" member, so in the future if he bothers you an option would be to just ignore his comments if they are ignorant or offensive. Also my signature has a resources thread that might be very helpful. And also, there is this thing that most therapists suggest, that give it a year when deciding something big like divorce because by a years time you will see if your husband is truly committed to recovery and emotions won't be running so high and you might have a more clear head at that time. In the end do what is best for you and your healing in the long run, and don't feel guilty for whatever decision you make.
     
  14. Thanks a lot again for been so kind and caring! Your advices are been really helpful. Fortunately the remarks from that guy didn’t affect me at all. I have all the symptoms people describe: anger, frustration, lack of confidence, lack of faith, desire to withdraw socially, etc. However guilty is not one of them. At any moment I felt guilty for anything I have/not done. I’m pretty aware that the problem is with him. I really appreciate if you have readings to recommend.
     
  15. @bitter taste in my mouth, you originally had posted this thread in the Rebooting in a relationship forum, which is more geared towards journals for addicts. I moved you over to this Partner Support forum, where I hope you don't have to see some of those less-than-helpful remarks. I'm sorry you had to deal with comments that aren't supportive.
     
  16. Thanks a lot for your concern! Thank God his remarks didn’t affect me at all. I have enough problems to worry already! What comes from outside I can simply ignore.
     
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  17. I think us SOs are on your side, sister. The journey is already painful enough without unnecessary attacks, well done for keeping cool X
     
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  18. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps you could move this to the Significant Other's Journal Forum.
     
  19. Healing! Although it’s been only 38 days since the DDAY, I feel much better already! For many of you it might be too soon, but I want to share my journey with you. I’ve always been intense. I can’t wait for things to happen, I go for it. So, when this discovery hit me like a bomb, I used the same approach to deal with it. I exaustvely read articles and watched videos about the subject. As I said, I’m a religious person, but I avoid help coming from religious source. Some of the videos were sponsored by religious groups, but I made sure I watched only professionals in the area such as psychologists and not pastors. To me it was important to do so to find a very reasonable basis for my healing. And I could find it. My husband was deeply depressed, so he found this quick source of dopamine and got addicted. His addiction basically consisted in seeing pictures of naked women. In order to get them, he would write praising the women he found interesting in Flickr so that they would accept him in their social network and make all the pictures available. What he did is still horrible, but he acknowledged it and has completely changed his lifestyle. In addiction, I exhaustively discussed the matter with him. I even hackered his email account and reopened the Flickr account, so that I could see everything. I understand this may not be the wisest choice, but it was important for me in order to confront with what he was saying. This way I could come to a point in which I was convinced I knew everything and there wasn’t any new hidden information. So, I came to a point that diving into the subject is not appealing to me as much as it was in the beginning. I think I grieffed intensely so that the healing came faster. I’m in the process of forgiving him. The anger I felt soothed. Of course things will never be the same, specially because I am a different person now. If there is anything positive in this experience is that it made me stronger.
     
  20. Really happy that you're doing so much better than before. :)
    It's great to take whatever positive there is from such a bad situation there. Well done!

    Hope things get even better for you!
     

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