Wife of a porn/prostitute/affairs addicted man

hi there!

I am the SO (I read the abbreviations of an excessive Porn consumer - He is also having affairs and going to brothels regularly.
Just last week I found out about an affair he had.. And faced him. He admitted excessive Porn usage, regular meetings with prostitutes, using the blue pills and having affairs with his secretaries.

I am devastated.
We have two young kids. A wonderful family.

Unfortunately we have been there a few years ago - I found out about an affair.. He had prostitutes and affairs and heavy Porn usage.. And he wanted to stop it all, so he wouldn't lose me.
I agreed and he did psychotherapy but started slowly but surely with Porn again.. Then prostitutes and also having affairs with his secretaries.
For 3 years he was doing this now in the second sequel.
I am so tired, so wounded.

It's really bad and hurts me so much.
We have a wonderful family, an active and adventurous love life, two super kids. I am an attractive and sexy Partner, Open minded, we had a lot of variety and fun.

It is so bad now.. I feel devastated.

With my husband he said it's like this, that he feels stressed, has anxiety or fears.. He is escaping in hours of Porn usage or going to brothels after office. And having affairs with secretaries.. All to keep his thought from any irrational fears. It's so crazy.
We have a wonderful life, everything a man can dream of. And he is risking it all because of this SHIT.

I want to vomit.

 

Thank you Harp! I am already reading there. But there it's only about porn.. I have a husband here who went to prostitutes regularly and had real affairs with women of our life..
This is so much pain.
If it would be only porn.. That would be easier for me to get over it.. :/

 

Dear Ghostwriter,
Thanks for your kind words.
It's very difficult for me to get this.. That it is not about me.

I want to focus on how to heal it. Or get the permanent remission.

I put a tracker and a child mode on his iphone. We agreed, no more phone usage on the toilet. Where he usually was for an hour wanking every day.

He has a lot of irrational fears.. And wants to get them out of his head by watching porn going to brothels, starting affairs.

So the big question is.. How can he learn an alternative to soothe his fears?

Any ideas?

 

Bye the way.. One of the wife's in the forum husband just had a relapse with escorts girls after many years sober.

Not very promising.
I feel so hopeless. Having a baby in my arm and my daughter next to me.. I feel so hollow and cheated for so Many years.. All these lies..

 

Dear Ghostwriter,
Thank you so much for your message, it means a lot to me.
We are already a step further. He is absolutely clear that he is addicted. I know it has got nothing do to with me.
We put the tracker and child safe mode in to make it easier for him.
I always had access to his phone, email.. But he was hiding everything perfectly.. And visited the prostitutes after office and paying cash. I had no chance to find out. It was a whatsapp message from his affair coming in on a workday luch. When we had lunch together because of a coincidence. He used to connect with his affairs only at office work times.

So, I always had access, also my phone computer always open for him. I have got nothing to hide. Never had. He hid very successfully.

Sorry for my bad English, we are both Germans, and found this ressource here and so I signed in.

He is also signed in (square82) but not active yet? I think he needs to get an overview first.. And also has a busy office life.

He is fully aware he needs help. Getting a therapist is not easy, as we are living abroad at the moment, and don't speak the language here and hardly anyone speaks English. So i am Looking for a online coaching at the moment.. Actually like a mother searching a doctor for her son. Should I leave it to him? It's his responsibility?
I found this website.. I sent him a lot of Texts to read. I am like a mother/child relation right now. Maybe I should stop?

What can I do to support help him getting over his addiction? Porn and Sex addiction? He spent so much money for prostitutes.. In the country we live in it is very exclusive and expensive.

Sigh.

I just don't know where to begin anf if it makes sense at all and I am braking into pieces by thinking this could start all over again... I can't survive this.

 

Thank you so much, this gives me so much hope.

I want to be that strong and loving couple again, that I thought we have been. But he was just pretending.. Telling me lies.
Lied to my face. Fucked prostitutes and came back to the comfort of my loving arms. I absolutely hate him for this. While I was soothing our baby.. Helping him to find a peaceful sleep, singing songs to my little boy. While.. At the same time.. his father was fucking Prostitutes in dirty brothels. It is so disgusting.. I want to vomit. I am so sick. I feel so hollow. So wounded.

I don't know if we can be this happy couple again.. As I will always life in fear he is only telling me lies all the times as he did before.

 

OK

I have a doctor's appointment for check of Std.

Found a therapist for him specialized on PS, Sex addiction.


So what you are saying..make a list


Dont ever dare to lie to me again!

And when he does it. Make him move out for a week., then a month and so on. Ok.
But how can I find out? He is such a pro In telling me lies!

He even said, I could never lie to me, because your eyes always recognize when something is wrong..

He swore, that he would never go to prostitutes.. While doing it every other week!

He is such a lier! I hate him for that!
Pretending that I am in save loving arms, while same day he was fucking prostitutes!

 

Ghostie,

Thank you so much for your words. The paragraph about forgiveness made me cry.
I believe you are right, but can not imagine how I could ever forgive him.
I feel so desrecrated, so wounded so abused by him.

I made a date with the therapist as well. I was searching for a specialist regarding PA and found her, made my own appointment and then gave her web address to my hubby and he took it from there regarding contacting her and make his own appointment.

I think that's all fine. He owns it. Was trying in vain to find a specialist, I have more time to search.

I wonder if there is a couple around who really have made it?
A lot of wifes I contacted are in the stage of split up or relapses, final try and so on.

You know.. Some years ago he did a therarapy to learn how to cope with it. And a few months later started it all over again with pmo, lies, Prostitutes. But assuring me all the time he would never do this again and risk his family!

I think I can never trust him again, not a single word. He knows how to absolutely lie to me and cheat on me. He is perfect in doing this.

I just have the feeling of wanting to vomit all the time. I feel so sad and hollow. It hurts me so much.

 

This is impossible for me. I can not live my life and accept, that he might still go to prostitutes. Ms sitting at home, singing lullabies for our kids and he fucking in brothels.. No! This is hurting me so deep, my core, my heart, I can absolutely not stand it one more single time. This would take away the very last piece of pride of myself.
No. Impossible. No more. This is my red line. I want him to come that far, that he rather loses me than lying to me ever again.

Your comparison for me with the alcohol or drug addicted. That these wives also suffer.. That's not the same. The gambler just takes money away.. I would give all my money if I could to stop him pmo, Sex addiction.
The alcohol guy is spending the evenings in bars, mine in brothels. I would prefer the bars.
I feel it really hit me worse.
I feel devastated. Like living in a bubble.. All was fake all the time.

.