Sorry if this is triggering... I didn't know how to express my hurt without a few details. I've been addicted to porn since 16ish. 56 now. Sometimes able to stop porn for a year or more, but was still masturbating fairly regularly. Never done anything more than porn and the very occasional strip club (club maybe 10 times total). Currently on day 45 of no porn, masturbated twice in that time. Been with her for 27 years, she found out about the porn 3 or 4 years in. This is the first time I've tried anything other than sheer will. She's supportive of me on this site working on killing this addiction. She only wants vaginal intercourse, but I really enjoy pleasuring her orally and with my fingers. She only lets me do that for a minute, tops, and then wants me in her, where I last for a while, then she finishes herself off with a vibrator. She's never had an orgasm just from my penis, and isn't interested in figuring out how to do that. This has been happening for years, and it's really getting to me. It feels like she just wants it to be over. It feels like she doesn't want any pleasure from me. Is this normal? Are there women that only want vaginal intercourse? Is it because she really doesn't want pleasure from me since she's so hurt from my porn addiction? She said tonight she feels like she's just a pussy to me. Typing this is helping me think - I need to build non-sexual intimacy with her, but I'm not sure where to start - we spend almost every night talking on the patio with cigars/cigarettes and a cocktail for an hour or more, but never about anything that makes us feel closer to each other. Have others experienced something similar? What worked to make you feel closer to each other after addiction? Abstinence? For how long? Thanks for any insight.
There is a lot that could be going on. Have you talked to her? What does she say? How does she feel about your pmo? Did she feel upset, betrayed or ask you to stop when she first found out? Does she have any previous sexual trauma? The sheer fact she says she feels “like she’s just a pussy” to you is very telling. She feels used by you and not loved. That’s definitely going to affect sex. This is not unusual for women who are intimate with sex addicts. Sex addicts are selfish, here she’s still allowing intercourse, in spite of massive betrayal, in spite of feeling used, and you’re upset because she won’t let you use her in the way that you want. You want to know if she’s normal? No she’s not, she’s had brain changes that affect her because of your addiction. What’s worked to make me feel closer to my husband? Him getting into recovery. Him stopping all porn, fantasy, masturbation. Him being completely honest. Him initiating conversations about deep feelings. Him showing how sorry he is for pain he has caused. Him taking responsibility for the damage he has done while in addiction. Me, taking responsibility for my healing from his betrayal, me willing to sit and talk about deep feelings with him. Me being willing to take another chance on someone who has proven he is untrustworthy. thst being said, I only like vaginal intercourse now. I don’t want anything else because it feels too much like porn. I want him looking in my eyes, although sometimes for me that’s still too intimate and I’m the one who looks away.
Wow! That's sad. I understand the need to have him look into your eyes. That's when you can see whether he is present in the moment or his mind is elsewhere indicating he is ruminating over some pornographic fantasy. It took us a long time to get there but we have finally gotten to where we can be creative and enjoy one another again. I certainly hope you and your SO can get there too. PIV intercourse just gets a little mundane and boring to me sometimes. I don't want any barriers to our sex life because I have to worry about where his mind is at if that makes sense. I love your posts BTW.
Sounds like you have a few different issues that may not be linked to porn. try talking to her - honestly. If she's happy with that kind of sex, then you'll just need to deal with it. Or maybe there's a compromise. If you want more connective activities, then plan them. Get couples cards that have questions for stimulating converstions. Try a new hobby, etc. Sex does not equal being closer or connection.
I know this is probably the vanilla of all answers, but have you tried marriage counseling? The fact she is pulling away from the finish inside from you're penetration could mean something else is going on. Especially to finishing off with a vibrater each time is aggravating especially when it's mechanical and not you. There is definitely a concern, but in all honesty it could be worse, especially with a Dildo even when the size is bigger then your self.. I've watched JAV videos in the past a tad often, "Japanese Adult". They all got boring because it's the same exact method to their videos, thus everything is blurred from "house" rules.. They always start off with vibrators after a while I keep thinking to myself it's on every video, you know.... This is really stupid. I mention this because I understand where you are coming from. Lastly I would just seek counseling if you and you're wife are having trouble negotiating about it maybe it's time for a third persons view. Talk to god and pray as well for you're wife to be more understandable. Trust me it is worth a try.
Thanks for these. 2) I really will stop this time, with every fiber of my being. 3) Good point, it needs to be about her. 4) I'm fairly healthy, balding, 5'11 and about 185, down from 202 in January. I'm avoiding carbs and trying to eat fairly healthy. We tandem bicycle together. We both have demanding jobs and it feels like there's no extra energy for exercise. You'll tell me that if I did exercise, I'd have more energy, and you're probably right. 5)
Now that I've read your post, I'm fairly certain she feels exactly like you do, used and betrayed. Thanks for sharing, I just didn't see it.
I'm pretty sure it's linked to my porn. Good idea for the cards. I know sex doesn't equal real intimacy. Thanks for your thoughts.
It's not that she pulls away physically during intercourse. It's that the only way she can have an orgasm is without me. After reading Psalm's post I can understand why. I've been seriously considering a sex counselor for me first before both of us, thanks for the suggestion.
Read through your thread. Similar to my story and things are better with me doing my work, us in couples counseling as well as individual counseling, me being present and patient with sex and making it about her and connection, not what can I do this time and when will I cum. The reality from what I read in Gregoire’s book “Good Guys Guide to Great Sex” is that the majority of women do not reach orgasm from PIV intercourse, but from all the other things associated with foreplay (most of which takes place outside of the bedroom and hours before sex) and connection and developing intimacy to awaken their desire. If you’re going for the mind-blowing intercourse where you both orgasm together, you’ve been watching too much porn and trying to replicate a fantasy that isn’t real. It’s been several months since you posted, how about an update? What work have you done? You guys talk and in counseling? You learning to be emotionally vulnerable (which for me is hard learned behavior since I learned and have been practicing the opposite all my life)?
One thing that greatly improved my sex life (until I derailed it) was that I simply focused on being physically closer to her. Sex acts didn’t matter…it was about foster a sense of connectedness through physical contact. Obviously this can be a little overdone…but we found that when we kissed if we maintained a lot of body contact it became more rewarding. I started focusing only on the body contact…our foreplay became simply wrapping ourselves tightly together and kissing and it turned out to be the best sex I’ve ever had. I recommend that before anything else.
