Wife problems

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Werwond, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. Werwond

    Werwond Fapstronaut

    im 32 days in

    My wife and I have been married since 2017,
    Together for 12-13 years total.
    I’m 30. She’s 27.

    I haven’t always been the best guy, she hasn’t always been the best girl.

    She and I work together. We have one car. She has no friends.

    We have had a boundary crossing issue the whole relationship.

    She is domineering in a lot of ways and has a hard time hearing no.

    I get hurt alot because she is (usually around her period) explosively angry, I get called a person, pussy, told to act like a “man”

    I’m 30 and I’m sick of dealing with this. She also has zero interest in sex.

    I’m sick of the old habits on my end, breaking up to get back together and cheating / lying / backstabbing.

    But I have to be an alpha and overcome my problems

    I sincerely have never seen anyone else in this situation and want to get a divorce sometimes
  2. It sounds like you need some serious talks together.
  3. James02

    James02 Fapstronaut

    I have been in similar situations. Sometimes divorce seems to be very attractive. You are not alone. I'd imagine most of the tension rests with underlying issues. Take the next best step. Maybe help her find some friends? It's amazing what a close friend could do to help your wife decompress & view life differently. My wife struggled with similar situation before and she joined some church groups that has helped tremendously. Thoughts? Best of luck.
  4. Werwond

    Werwond Fapstronaut

    I suggested church and she rolled her eyes

    I suggested new friends and she was insulted

    I have tried being her counselor many times
  5. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    Not married, but the idea of making friends made my so feel insulted too. Aiyaya.

    I had a feeling of leaving my gf for like a year long and no one had a similar situation here I felt like. What I did is I try to forgive my gf for whatever reason I dislike or resent her for. I started to focus positive things on her 1 small thing at a time. I also tried to do something nice for her like complimenting her hair or dress that day. Gradually I felt better. I still lust after other hot girls but I am definitely progressing.
    It is hard to accept and I had been through. It starts from you yourself and gradually improve you 2 as a couple. Think of your self as a plant it takes time to nurture it to grow fruit. I know it sucks it doesn't happen naturally and quickly. I really understood how you feel.
    Werwond likes this.
  6. Werwond

    Werwond Fapstronaut

    Yes exactly

    I think the only thing I can do is not let the female and her unintelligent manners (with no fear of recourse) break me down

    Show her how things should be. It’s weird but that’s like reverse psychology
  7. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    Being an alpha won't fix your relationship. Clear and open communication might. Often, namecalling happens when people are frustrated. They would rather communicate what is bothering them, but either out of an inability to do so, or because they do not feel heard, the anger and resentment build and this is communicated in unhelpful ways.

    Try to listen to your partner before voices are raised. If you know she gets less reasonable and more volatile around her period, then be conscious of this and cut her some slack at this time. Depersonalise the things that she says. Take them for what they are: a manifestation of her hormonal imbalance and struggle to stay emotionally balanced.

    Try to focus, right now, on all of the positives in your relationship. Presumably there are a lot. Nobody has no friends. If your partner has fewer friendships than you and sees her friends only infrequently, this may seem strange to you, but it may be fine for her. Alternatively, she may geel socially isolated right now and be sensitive about the topic precisely because it is so upsetting to her to feel so alone.

    Try to be supportive rather than judgemental. Work on inproving yourself and your own behaviour in the relationship. Offer support in ways that don't trigger your partner to respond negatively.

    Over time, if you improve your side of the relationship, her attitute towards you and her interest in the physical aspects of your relationship will most likely improve. Make sure that she feels loved, appreciated and cared for. This is important for women, and an absolute necessity for them feelig happy, safe and secure in a relationship.

    Divorce won't fix your relationship, it just destroys the possibility of it ever being fixed. And every relationship is hard work. You won't leave this relationship just to fall into a perfect one with a caring, generous and constantly horny babe. You two found each other and fell in love for a reason. Many reasons. Try to remind yourself what thise are.

    Good luck with your nofap journey!
  8. Werwond

    Werwond Fapstronaut

    Direct messages you
  9. This is just my view:

    Your spouse is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship. In this situation I would (and did) get counseling for myself. Marriage counseling would be a good idea too but be very wary of manipulation in the counseling session (if she would even agree to go). FWIW, I divorced in this situation and have remarried and am very happy but that's just my specific story.

    Get counseling for yourself. Find out why you got married to someone who is abusive to you and shows signs of borderline.

  10. Sorry, was interrupted when my daughter woke up from her nap. Continued...

    It is never ever okay to talk to a spouse like that. 9 years ago when I started recovery, I thought all kinds of mistreatment were "normal" because I had no idea of how I should properly treat people or how I should be treated. Today, my wife (remarried) and I never talk to each other like that. It is just unconscionable to both of us. I would never have taken a second date with her if she showed signs of that behavior nor she with I.

    I'm sure you both have a communication problem as was mentioned by others and mending that would be good but that doesn't fix the repeated mistreatment that you both are blaming on something else (her period).

    Lastly, you can't fix her. She has to want to fix herself. You can only take care of yourself and that's why I suggest counseling for you. Think of it like a reboot, you had to own it yourself and take responsibility for your change. Your partner can be _supportive_ but can't do the work for you. You had to want it for yourself.

    I say all of this to be helpful. Best to you.

    Nervesofsteel and Rehab101 like this.
  11. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

    Not sure "being an alpha" is the solution. I mean, your human, as we all are. You have feelings, and she's hurting you. Locking up your feelings won't really solve anything.
    Lilla_My likes this.
  12. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant

    What came first? You cheating/lying/backstabbing? Or her foul attitude?

    I am not taking her side but it sounds like her constant abuse is just a mask for her seething hatred toward you or something you did/are not doing. Unfortunately love can come with resentment and contempt if you don’t have a good resolution pattern. Did she ever act tender toward you or show any concern for your emotional well being? Or is it just in her nature to be so abusive?

    You two definitely need to have a talk. Tell her you’re considering a divorce.
  13. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Very brave of you to come out and say this all here.

    Only this makes sense to me:

    The rest, seems just a sum up of facts and grievances too short to give any kind of idea what is going on.
    32 in? Into NoFap, no PMO?

    What my experience is, this isn't about my SO, or my relationship with my SO. It is about me. I want to be another me.
    If I start conversation with, I might want a divorce, I know SO will be hurt, defensive etc.

    So if you want to change, change for yourself.
    Don't think for her, don't ass-u-me her feelings.
    @samnf1990 seems to have the right way, be positive.

    Why did you start a relationship? What changed?When? Remember your love for her?
    Try not to colour the past with today's feeling but do not sugar-coat it either

    You are working together, me and my SO both work at home. We are just learning we got to see each other a lot less to get better quality time together.

    Just my short, jumbled 50 cents
    Deleted Account and de severn like this.
  14. Everyonelies

    Everyonelies Fapstronaut

    Actually I relate to your situation. My wife of 17 years needs to be in control. To that end it tends to feel like she is driving and I'm not alpha. Im more passive because of childhood.

    We recently went thru a crisis, I won't elaborate at this point as it would take too long.

    We were close to divorce. I was close, but I have a bunch of kids too. Marriage and relationships aren't easy especially if you feel like you are working harder at it than your spouse or if it feels like they don't truly care about you.

    All I do know is that she has come around more once I cut out PMO. She's still impatient with me and tries to run the show. One problem at a time.

    I truly believe females sense when we are in porn. It's weird but it changes us. Like others said here, she might resent you for... Something.. Maybe porn... And the longer you are clean and the more you improve yourself you appear more attractive somehow. They want to be around you more.

    I suggest give it time. Focus on you, don't shut down, don't return the insults and don't try to dominate her to show you are alpha. It may feel unfair like a double standard like she can get away with saying whatever to you. Try to ignore it, expect it out of her, go to a counselor, unload your burdens to them, find yourself.

    Then you can make small steps in confidence to show you are in control of you and hopefully she will calm down.

    And she might be abusive, or she might be like you and messed up in a different way. Again most likely she is frustrated with you and acting out.

    Divorce is ugly as hell. Don't threaten her with it. You can separate (sleep downstairs) if things get out of control and you guys need space.

    I applaud you for trying, it isn't easy.

    I hope this helps... PM if you need to vent... I have been there bro.
    Werwond, Nervesofsteel and Bobske like this.
  15. I just wonder if it's the PTSD talking for her. If it is, would she join the site? She can person to us about you all she wants and you can have a break from that. A woman who has betrayal trauma has a lot of unresolved emotions relating to anger, rage, etc. I used to be very loving towards my partner, but to be honest now I hardly want to be in a room with him 80% of the time. Just a suggestion for her to join.

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