So after a relapse over the weekend my wife is not talking to me and cancelled out plans for Saturday. I told her it's hard to quit but I'm getting better but thinks that if I really wanted to quit I would have done so. I can't get through to her thats just not liek flipping a switch and I'm magically done with it!
Wife still not talking to me
- Thread starter jason1142
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Real Jerry Seinfeld
Fapstronaut
Try and help her understand how difficult this is as an addiction. Maybe provide her with resources and make it clear how you're committed both to quitting but also being honest.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Helping her heal is a good dvd for you to watch with her.
Have her watch the backwards bicycle with you to help understand neuropathways in the brain.
she is crushed right now. I understand how hard it is. I really do. When my husband slipped with just drawings I was more pissed off that he lied, gaslight me and did it again when I have been begging for morning sex. It was a huge blow. It still hurts to think about. Fortunately that lead me to go down a huge rabbit hole to learn everything I could. In the process learning just how much I messed up my body with M. It’s mind blowing just how bad P and M really are. Have you read about the damage it causes? That might help. After my husband was informed just how it messes with the brain and hormones and everything else he’s committed.
Same here. It fucks with even neurons and grey matter
She is right. If you are committed, then you fucked up big time.
Not everyone is cut out to deal with the relapses. I didn’t find out until my husband was a good 4-6 months clean (so I had no idea about the times where he was trying to quit and failing). He’s now over 5 years clean with no slips nor relapses. I have a zero relapse boundary. He knows if he does it again, then I will leave because I won’t be able to be with him ever again. Her not speaking to you and canceling plans sounds pretty understanding and awfully gracious coming from my perspective. Pay attention to how deeply she’s hurting so you can pull yourself together for both of your sakes.
Haha no mercy style
There are other areas where he gets the chance to try again. So my boundary here is about what I can handle, which in this case is that I cannot and I’ll be done. I mean that’s what boundaries are after all, I cannot control him, but he can be aware of what I will do to keep myself safe if he chooses to mess up. He can decide if the consequence is worth it.
I just think it’s not fair to expect every SO to be understanding, to be ok with what a relapse means in this addiction. If this were alcohol I’d be much more understanding. And I know it is an addiction. I know there are brain chemicals involved that are very difficult to overcome. But there is an extra damaging element to relapsing here that some women like myself cannot do. Thankfully my husband was already in a more stable place and could see that I just can’t take it if it happens again. He removed all areas where he could have come across anything that might initiate a slip or relapse. Most of them are still permanently gone because it’s just not worth it to him (e.g. social media, other media over a certain rating, etc).
Interesting stated. Thanks
I certainly can understand your perspective. It is 100% fair.
there are so many reasons why my/our situation is different. We both entered the relationship with the belief P and M were healthy and okay. Boy did I do a 180 with all that. I truly understand how hurtful it is. Something I’m still working through. But I have my own problems. I would say it didn’t affect our sex life but that’s a lie. My drive didn’t go down. I’ve never turned him down. But I have had a chronic M problem since probably 10 if I’m honest. And it did considerable damage to my body. I stopped or lost interest for a long time only doing it once every 6 months or so for years. After being with my husband it was a trigger. I started back up. Mostly when he wasn’t around but when I knew he had I occasionally would when he was around. As I was pissed and I knew I wasn’t getting any. He would turn me down. This caused vaginal dryness even when I was extremely turned on by him. Also my pheromones worked against me. When you take care of yourself your body doesn’t create them because it doesn’t know the difference. It doesn’t know you haven’t had sex. But it doesn’t send out the pheromones to allure your mate. Anyway we are going through this together. In all other ways he is perfect. But he has asked why I haven’t left him.