So after a relapse over the weekend my wife is not talking to me and cancelled out plans for Saturday. I told her it's hard to quit but I'm getting better but thinks that if I really wanted to quit I would have done so. I can't get through to her thats just not liek flipping a switch and I'm magically done with it!
Wife still not talking to me
- Thread starter jason1142
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Real Jerry Seinfeld
Fapstronaut
Try and help her understand how difficult this is as an addiction. Maybe provide her with resources and make it clear how you're committed both to quitting but also being honest.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Helping her heal is a good dvd for you to watch with her.
Have her watch the backwards bicycle with you to help understand neuropathways in the brain.
she is crushed right now. I understand how hard it is. I really do. When my husband slipped with just drawings I was more pissed off that he lied, gaslight me and did it again when I have been begging for morning sex. It was a huge blow. It still hurts to think about. Fortunately that lead me to go down a huge rabbit hole to learn everything I could. In the process learning just how much I messed up my body with M. It’s mind blowing just how bad P and M really are. Have you read about the damage it causes? That might help. After my husband was informed just how it messes with the brain and hormones and everything else he’s committed.
Same here. It fucks with even neurons and grey matter
She is right. If you are committed, then you fucked up big time.
Not everyone is cut out to deal with the relapses. I didn’t find out until my husband was a good 4-6 months clean (so I had no idea about the times where he was trying to quit and failing). He’s now over 5 years clean with no slips nor relapses. I have a zero relapse boundary. He knows if he does it again, then I will leave because I won’t be able to be with him ever again. Her not speaking to you and canceling plans sounds pretty understanding and awfully gracious coming from my perspective. Pay attention to how deeply she’s hurting so you can pull yourself together for both of your sakes.
Haha no mercy style
There are other areas where he gets the chance to try again. So my boundary here is about what I can handle, which in this case is that I cannot and I’ll be done. I mean that’s what boundaries are after all, I cannot control him, but he can be aware of what I will do to keep myself safe if he chooses to mess up. He can decide if the consequence is worth it.
I just think it’s not fair to expect every SO to be understanding, to be ok with what a relapse means in this addiction. If this were alcohol I’d be much more understanding. And I know it is an addiction. I know there are brain chemicals involved that are very difficult to overcome. But there is an extra damaging element to relapsing here that some women like myself cannot do. Thankfully my husband was already in a more stable place and could see that I just can’t take it if it happens again. He removed all areas where he could have come across anything that might initiate a slip or relapse. Most of them are still permanently gone because it’s just not worth it to him (e.g. social media, other media over a certain rating, etc).
Interesting stated. Thanks
I certainly can understand your perspective. It is 100% fair.
there are so many reasons why my/our situation is different. We both entered the relationship with the belief P and M were healthy and okay. Boy did I do a 180 with all that. I truly understand how hurtful it is. Something I’m still working through. But I have my own problems. I would say it didn’t affect our sex life but that’s a lie. My drive didn’t go down. I’ve never turned him down. But I have had a chronic M problem since probably 10 if I’m honest. And it did considerable damage to my body. I stopped or lost interest for a long time only doing it once every 6 months or so for years. After being with my husband it was a trigger. I started back up. Mostly when he wasn’t around but when I knew he had I occasionally would when he was around. As I was pissed and I knew I wasn’t getting any. He would turn me down. This caused vaginal dryness even when I was extremely turned on by him. Also my pheromones worked against me. When you take care of yourself your body doesn’t create them because it doesn’t know the difference. It doesn’t know you haven’t had sex. But it doesn’t send out the pheromones to allure your mate. Anyway we are going through this together. In all other ways he is perfect. But he has asked why I haven’t left him.
The Road of Sanctification
Fapstronaut
Sounds like a perfect breeding ground for dishonesty
So you say the cheating is basically for granted. We can just choose if we want cheating and lying about it, or cheating and knowing about it. I don't take it. If my husband watches porn again, he can move out, that"s the rules now...sorry. And as long as I can tell, it helped him a lot. He is a different person now.
Why do you say that? It isn't unreasonable to expect honesty from your spouse. The thing that creates a breeding ground for dishonesty is addiction.
Littlefella
Fapstronaut
It's not the wank.
It's the motivation behind the wank.
Were you horny or stressed?
Horny is no excuse
Stress is
But stress needs to be managed appropriately.
Inform her that you're stressed and need to cope.
How you cope is up to you
Pmo is no go. That's already agreed on.
You need to let her know what you're going through
Otherwise she won't understand.
You're lucky if she gives you a hand
Otherwise try to sit with the discomfort.
It will pass.
It's the motivation behind the wank.
Were you horny or stressed?
Horny is no excuse
Stress is
But stress needs to be managed appropriately.
Inform her that you're stressed and need to cope.
How you cope is up to you
Pmo is no go. That's already agreed on.
You need to let her know what you're going through
Otherwise she won't understand.
You're lucky if she gives you a hand
Otherwise try to sit with the discomfort.
It will pass.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
This is how addicts think. Your line of thought is “ all addicts relapse” ( they don’t) “ if I relapse and I tell my wife, I will lose her, so I have to lie” you choose to lie rather than lose her. Rather than recognizing both relapse and lying is a choice, you give yourself justification for both. Rather than admitting you are choosing your addiction over your wife, your marriage, you believe she is forcing you to lie. You must lie to save your marriage. Rather than “ I must do everything to protect my marriage therefore I will not relapse.” I will make recovery, faithfulness, honesty my number one priority and by doing that I will save my marriage and myself. Addicts dont just have an addiction problem, they have an integrity disorder. Thats why you think this is a breeding ground for dishonesty. No. The breeding ground for dishonesty, is you, your addiction. You breed dishonesty when you choose to lie. You believe what you want is far more important than what she wants. You deserve to keep her in the marriage even if it means lying and causing immense harm to her ( because it does). You believe lying is ok if it gets you what you want. God hates a lying tongue. Until you decide that you will not lie no matter what the truth costs you, that radical honesty is all you will accept from yourself, you will continue to fail.
The Road of Sanctification
Fapstronaut
I say this because people are more likely to confess when there is a possibility of grace. When there is a promise of enormous retribution, most people, not just addicts, will hide their sin. When a spouse promises to divorce when porn is used once more ... well, if I was that spouse I would find it very hard not to be suspicious it has occurred in darkness. More likely he will self justify it to himself "Ït was only a P sub not really P" "I didnt sought it out, i just stumbled upon it" "I wont do it again." etc
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Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
I agree to an extent. Anyone can get afraid and lie. But many people do not. You are seeing the divorce as the worst thing to happen rather than the lying, cheating, and the continuation of the addiction. You think divorce is worse than the lying and cheating but if you were the one being betrayed you would not feel that way. And, experience has shown that even the partners who do not say they will divorce wind up finding out they have still been lied to. Self justify= lying to self. A continuation of addiction. You have got to want to be clean and sober more than you want anything else , that includes your marriage. Unfortunately many religions have made an idol of marriage. A mockery of what God intended. If you need to lie to control your spouse, to keep them bound to you, you don’t have a marriage, you have an abusive relationship, a sham.
EternalGamer0
Fapstronaut
Perhaps controversial, but I don’t think excessive honesty is helpful. In my wife’s mind, I use porn occasionally. She doesn’t know I use it enough to be on a website like this, and I have no intent on sharing this with her.
Actions speak louder than words. I will just stop using. The results will then speak for themself. I do not need to address this directly with her, or with anyone, outside of this forum. It is no-ones business but my own. I think it is naive to expect support rather than disgust from a partner - I am disgusted with my own behavior, and I’d expect nothing less from anyone else, with the exception of a community like this.
Actions speak louder than words. I will just stop using. The results will then speak for themself. I do not need to address this directly with her, or with anyone, outside of this forum. It is no-ones business but my own. I think it is naive to expect support rather than disgust from a partner - I am disgusted with my own behavior, and I’d expect nothing less from anyone else, with the exception of a community like this.