Wife wont seek help

introduce her to the website bloomforwomen.com
its an online self help for betrayal trauma website

i prolly went a good 2 months before i tried to get help for myself. however I dove into trying to help my husband right away.asking questions on here etc etc.
but i didn't want to deal with the BT pain so i ignored it and leaned on my husband. i am still not fully committed to solely treating my betrayal trauma like many women are but i have started to go back to it every so often and work through it a smidge at a time.
i am not sure if this is help full. i hope it is.
i know that i don't want to do a counselor yet, i don't want to work on something everyday, so i am on here, i have read a few books. and i am trying to focus on small pieces at a time.

Geez i hope this post makes sense lol let me know if you need clarification.

 

[Tough love]
So the frick what?
[/Tough love]

Dude- forget about your wife and her journey. Yeah, sure you caused the pain, but THE ONLY thing you can do to help her, is to fix you. Read that again. One more time.

Seriously, concentrating on her, being worried about her, is a distraction. The single job you have right now is to fix yourself. Figure out why needed pmo and affairs. Fill that hole and maybe she'll decide you're serious and tag along.

It's a tough place we've put ourselves. But seriously that is the truth.

All the best

 

You could write her a letter, or pay it note on a tablet?
It a text message to check this out. Or an email.

I agree with part only.
Your job is to fix yourself and help fix the relationship. If you aren't trying then what's the point of being together.
If you only focus on yourself you'll piss her off I'm sure.
Your addiction caused her all this pain.
You need to learn about betrayal trauma and understand what she's going through. Cause odds are she won't have a clue. It's such a freakin roller coaster sometimes I'm unsure what direction I'm going.
Also depending upon how you told her about the PA will depend on her recovery as well as how you react to her emotions. If you are defensive etc you can prolong the healing time. I am not saying you can fix her. But by being transparent. Introducing her to stuff. Showing her you want to help your relationship. Helps allot. Plus making progress on yourself will help.

 

Thanks @phuck-porn! ... I needed to read this today.

 

Hello @NewBeginning1965

My husband cheated and it destroyed me. This just from my experiences so maybe it could help. I know for myself it was more how I was ashamed and would be seen as week, unattractive, unworthy, stupid and all the other negative thoughts and feelings that came with my personal shame and humiliation I felt with my husband doing what he did. It made everything incredibly difficult to handle and I wanted to keep it a secret, not for him but for me. I tried to be strong, I told myself I could cope on my own. I not only didn’t trust him or myself I didn’t trust anyone.
It took me a long time for me to realize I needed more help and very slowly started opening up to people I trusted, like my mother. I had one friend that came to my rescue when I completely broke down getting STD tested from his acting out with an anonymous partner who basically admitted to him she had a goal of sleeping with a new guy every night, that aspect still fills me with feelings of disgust 4 years later that I’m still dealing with. I’m getting more comfortable with idea of seeing a therapist for me.

Dealing with affairs are incredibly difficult and the roller coaster is unbearable at times. The first 6months to year I no idea what I felt because everything thing was so overwhelming.
Your wife maybe telling herself that she’s strong, doesn’t need it, trying to regain some kind of personal control. I know I did to certain degrees.

We read and went through these books together and it truly helped even though my hubby is dead against therapists and refused. We set aside one evening a week to go though at least one chapter together.

I would recommend trying affair recovery books.

https://mobile.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/After-the-Affair-Audiobook/B002UOZDHY?source_code=GPAGBSH1103160002&cvosrc=ppc cse.google shopping.291288420&cvo_crid=91019138220&cvo_pid=23655904020

The Gottman institute has two really amazing books.

https://www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/

https://www.gottman.com/product/what-makes-love-last/

We are currently reading our books again too.

I hope this helps

 

this book was helpful too
Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Surviving Sex Addiction For Partners and Those Who Want to Help Them

 

Could you think of it as setting a healthy pattern of self empowerment?

Also, your actions caused her pain. But if you hit her with a car it wouldn’t make sense if only you learned to be a better driver but she never saw a doctor for her injuries.

 

Having a partner who is a sex or PMO addict is very shameful for women. Society often blames us. We hear why don’t you dress up more, you have let yourself go, you must be not that great in bed, even some medical professionals recommend these things. She may not want to talk about it because she’s too embarrassed. So potentially getting on the NoFap SO Group could help her as she can remain unseen and maybe at first she will just read it, not comment. She’s also likely grieving the relationship she thought she had and the person she thought you were. Many people stay in the denial phase of fried for longer than others. If she’s able to recover and forgive you it’s going to take a very long time. Longer than you think it should. You need to be patient and supportive. Everyone deals with things differently. Just because she is not doing them in the way you would does not mean she’s not processing things.

 

Maybe but I don’t think the fact that he’s concerned about her is a bad thing. If he’s overly focusing on her to avoid dealing with his own issues that’s bad. But learning to consider others feelings and empathize is a huge part of recovery from any addiction. He created this mess. He can’t fix her but he can support her and it’s normal for him to be concerned. My ex PMO addict had no concern for what I was going through. It made me less likely to stay.