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Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by BreakfastSausage, Jul 30, 2020.
I wish the same things as you but I would love if she does not use social media too much.
Me too buddy!
So do you believe that we should be upfront with our future life partner about the addiction even if we've managed to overcome it, and thus wouldn't effect our relationships? Of course, I'm not sure the damage will ever fully heal, but I think it will virtually be gone as long as we remain vigilant and abstain. And if we should be forthright about it, when would be a good time to do so? Personally, I want to overcome this addiction and all the fetishes and weird crap permeating my brain before I get into a serious relationship again. This way, not only will it not affect or cause turmoil with my relationship, but I'll be able to get rid of this version of myself completely.
My list (not necessarily in order of importance, though first three an absolute must for me):
1. Christian like me who wants to serve God
2. Good cook who enjoys cooking
3. Loves children and wants to have some
4. Beautiful smile and sunny disposition
5. Outgoing personality with good social skills
6. Willing to move to new places and/or learn new languages
7. Frugal with money--not a spendthrift (because I'll never be rich)
8. Conservative tastes in clothing, music, etc.
9. Vegetarian like me
10. Has a degree/skill to be able to support the children if needed
11. A little shorter than me
12. Similar interests to me
13. A personality type that is opposite enough from mine to be attractive, but similar enough to mine to understand me
14. Not a gossip
15. Diligent and honest
16. Not emotionally needy; suitably independent on her own, while respecting me as the head of the house
17. One with whom I can feel entirely comfortable
18. Trustworthy, dependable, and loyal
19. Not too skinny
20. Accepts and appreciates me as I am
Could make the list longer, but that's already quite a lot. For most folks considering marriage, a number of those items would be worth giving some thoughtful attention.
One thing to realize: Women, by nature, tend to identify themselves with their husbands after marriage. Their identities become enmeshed in that of their husband. If the husband holds the respect of others in society, it will be easier for them to feel fulfilled; thus, ironically, the husband's own characteristics will affect the wife considerably, and potentially impact her own qualifications in his sight. Being the person she wants will help her be the person you want.
I think if you think this could be a serious relationship then you need to be up front fairly quickly. For instance, I told every guy I dated I would not have sex before marriage, it went against my beliefs. I also told them I did not want kids. That ended a lot of relationships right away. This addiction is a little trickier though, you certainly don’t want to tell right away in case they aren’t a trust worthy person, but if you wait too long it feels like you aren’t being honest or they get angry that they have developed deep feelings but porn use is a deal breaker. Only you can decide the when and how. Addicts, at their core, have not learned to trust people. This is why they turn to addiction rather than people to cope. It’s a hard process to change your belief that someone can love you no matter what or who you are. I do not lie to my husband. About anything. Most addicts on here cannot even comprehend this. My husband knows the absolute worst things I’ve done or thought or felt. I just don’t hide anything. There’s a joke in my family that I can’t even keep Christmas gifts a secret, because I’m so used to being totally open about everything. Find someone you can trust.
And two kidneys, just in case you need a spare one...
Wow you really hit the nail on the head when you said addicts aren't able to truly believe someone would love us while we're in this state. I think a lot of of us are, or at least as far as I'm concerned, ashamed and don't want to burden our mates with the disgusting ideas that we've picked up from porn; (assuming we aren't too far gone and haven't been completely swallowed into the cesspool where we justify the usage) we're effectively the worst versions of ourselves when we're deep down the rabbit hole. I want to give it around two full years of sobriety before I get into a relationship again. I'm hoping by then if I'm able to abstain that the addiction and fetishes will be so greatly curbed that they'll practically be a non-factor (I'm probably kidding myself since I've been addicted for around 7-8 years though, please call my on my crap if you think I'm being delusional) and at that point, I don't really want to bring it up in the relationship at all unless I'm asked. On the chance that I'm not able to fully abstain or I still have pmo induced fetishes, then I'll try bringing it up fairly early like you said. It's not that I wouldn't want to trust my partner with it, but I'd rather forget this chapter of my life for the most part if I could.
My requirements for a wife would be these: virgin, no tattoos or piercings other than earrings, is at least a little over average looking (5.5 and up), can do the house wife stuff and isn't annoying. Also no debt. And what I know about dating nowadays that narrows down the prospects to almost 0%.