Will I be happy?

If its something you don't want to do then you need to harness that energy and put it towards something else. Find things that are going to better your life with. Reading, hobbies, exercise to name a few. I also promise that when you stop porn everything becomes so so much better, its like opening your eyes for the first time.

 

I've explored this briefly before, but it was all related to P. I wanted to look like what I was watching. I don't have the urges anymore after eliminating the P. For me it really was just another taboo idea to explore and that gave me a new dopamine rush. After finishing, I felt disgusted and couldn't believe what I had just done. I believe you're different in that you don't feel bad after the act. I do believe that you will be able to find joy elsewhere in life if you explore more new experiences. Finding a hobby, exercising, learning an instrument, playing a sport, learning a new form of dance. Any of these just might click for you and bring you some of that joy you have experienced with crisscrossing yet you can experience these new habits without having to hide it from others. Instead, you can share this joy with others and increase in your relationship with other people. I'm really discovering the happiness that comes from engaging in strong and fruitful relationships with others such as friends, family, or females.

Hope this helps even if just a little. Stick with the elimination of porn, the chatting online, the photos, and masturbation for 90 days and reevaluate what you think about the crossdressing? Maybe after a serious reboot, you will realize you don't even value the crossdressing anymore or maybe youll know for sure that its the right thing for you.

 

I'm still recovering in the NoFap/sex area of my life but...

I quit another addiction about two and a half years ago. I was told I would become a different person, one because I would start following new principles in my life and two because quitting my addiction would just change me.

Upon hearing this and contemplating, the future seemed grey to me, like you say.

No longer would I be able to laugh at really inappropriate jokes, be cynical about things, enjoy violent entertainment, enjoy heavy metal music...

The thing is I became another person. I still enjoy those things, but it's more balanced now. I'm not the same person, so my present is not grey, because like I said I'm not the same person.

One thing for sure, is that the past looks very grey to me. That past wherein I living and thinking "that future seems grey". But the tables have turned!

I guess I'm saying just think about it, you'll be different if what you say is true. You won't want to do those things anymore or maybe you will and you still could those things and it might be more balanced.

 

this last para is great advice i think - reboot for 90 days, and see if you're still into crossdressing, then it may be something much more than P-deep. My hunch, reading your post, is that it is. And that's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of
My CD'ing started around the same time as P. I'm rebooting now, and we'll see how that works out.
In any case, rebooting for 90 days should be your goal - and then see what everything looks like. if you still want pink sheets, then you might have to get them!
be kind to yourself, and worry about that time when it comes. in the meantime, work on your reboot - you're going to learn a lot about yourself and your life and you're at a good age to work that out - life has just begun for you

 

I'd say try to figure out if the crossdressing is a sex thing or not. If you just enjoy dressing but not masturbating, then maybe you're TS. As some others advised, maybe try staying away from all porn and masturbation for a good period of time to see how you handle the crossdressing thing - if it's still a desire after a good reboot period, then it's probably just part of who you are.

 

I think every addict goes through this. For some, it's crossdressing. For others, it's porn. For me, it was sex with random, anonymous women through personal ads and hookup sites. For others, it's strip clubs or prostitutes.

These things give us a euphoric high. Even just the pursuit and obsession over them gives us a huge high, even if we don't act out. There's a point where every addict thinks, "there's no way life can be as exciting in sobriety as it is when I'm doing XYZ." Sobriety seems boring--like you're eliminating the most exciting part of your life out of some misguided sense of duty.

But if you talk to people who have been sober for 6 months or longer, virtually 100% of them will tell you the opposite. They'll tell you that life is so much more vibrant and exciting in recovery/sobriety.

I'm not sure if you've done any therapy or anything, but you might look into it. I can't know this for sure, obviously, but I suspect there were probably some childhood experiences that influenced you to identify with femininity, and digging into that and processing it might go a long way toward helping you.