Will I someday be free from my brain? SO OCD since 8 years

Hi everyone,

First of all, english isn't my native language, sorry for mistake i'll do.

I struggle since like 8 years with SO OCD, 16 years of porn.

I have a classic story, vanilla porn went to transwoman porn and since 2 week, gay porn.

I don't have attraction for men, I've always had attraction for women, got crush for women since ever. But since I had problems with my sexual orientation, I'm losing my natural attraction and I feel anxious around men. Even ugly/old men. I don't know how to explain, it's like I am afraid TO HAVE attraction for men. I don't know if you understand what I'm saying. It's that constant fear that drive me crazy. I feel like something is blocking my breath and my stomach when I'm around men. I sometime just want to do a coming out and say "OK, I'm gay", but it sound too weird because I don't feel like it at all.

As I said, I sometime doubt if it's OCD or just a huge denial, I'm totally lost, even in my dreams I have gay thoughts, it never stops.

I'll tell things I lived in the past that may be explain some of this crazy thing:
-When I was 5yo, one of my brothers (he was 13yo) made me suck him, twice. He gave me back that horrible act the second time, then at 6yo I already knew how to have pleasure with my penis, and never really stopped.
-At 7yo, one of my male neighbor (8yo) had some "play" with our dicks, not only once.
-At 12yo, had some mutual jacking off with a friend (the funny thing is that I was thinking of my female crush during the mutual fapping session)

All that sh*t above never really bother me until my 20yo, when the thoughts started.
I've tried to quit porn AND masturbation, at first, it worked VERY WELL. But now, it takes a lot more time to have a single effected. And my relapses are terrible (I can go for 3/4 orgasms in a row).

So, I ask to this community. Do I have a single hope? Or should I just give up and force myself to come out and be confused for the rest of my life?

I'm on a therapy with a psychologist, I hope she'll help me to find an escape of this tiring situation, I'm really losing myself and I had some really negative thought.

Thanks for reading people.

(If I'm in the wrong section, I'm really sorry)

 

Thanks for the tip mate, i'll look this!

 

Thanks mate for those advice, I'm following your story, it is what inspire me to post to be honest.
Does your attraction for women is still strong even after relapsing

Yes, I know, I guess I'm ready to accept it if it's the case. But I'm still wondering, if I'm really gay or at least bisexual, why does it feel so weird to me? Why this doesn't bring me joy like being attracted to women? It feels not natural at all, I don't know how to explain the way I feel it.

I red that book. It's nice, I even felt some kind of peace when I first applied its advices. I have to stick to those advices and continue meditation. It seems to be the only way to get out of this nightmare... Or to accept my fate.

Thanks a lot again guys.

 

I'm coming back here because I'm struggling a lot theses days.

A friend of mine sent me a funny P picture, so I fell into the trap and went back in these sh*t.

I've started to watch/test myself on vanilla stuff, got some little aousal, then tested myself on gay P, nothing but anxiety, and then trans P and then.. arousal and classic MO.
After that, I went on sex forum to seek story and edging a lot, on gay things mostly.

I really don't know if it's OCD anymore and not just denial. The only weird thing that keep me thinkings it's just escalation in P is the fact that it doesn't seems natural to me. When I had a lot of attraction toward women, it was "pure". Even if it was sexual, it felt nice. Not something that mismatch my soul, I don't know how to say it. And, most of all, I don't wanna try anything IRL. I don't wanna kiss a guy, cuddle him or having sexual encounter.

I really miss my old self.

Thanks for reading.