Will things get better?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Andrei25, Aug 6, 2019.

  1. Andrei25

    Andrei25 New Fapstronaut

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    Hello. 5 days without PMO. I feel sharing my story too because I identify with many people whose posts I've read. I am a 3rd year in medical school and I've been struggling with this addiction for about 8 years. All my life since then at least I've battled with anxiety and depression. I was always a lonely kid never being able to tie strong friendships. I had a pretty rough childhood. My household wasn't the happiest place to live, growing with an abusive father and a controlling mother. Things went like this until the first year of college. I was aware that I had a problem with anxiety and I sought help from a specialist. I finally started socializing more and the anxiety began to vanish. I was even able to start working out which to that point seemed inconceivable. Unfortunately, porn addiction persisted. And at that point, I realized I wouldn't be able to achieve or maintain an erection without porn. This made me even more insecure which lead to even more binge fapping which made me feel even worse and I kept on persisting in the same vicious circle over and over again. One of the things I desired the most, was to have a relationship, to love somebody and to feel that someone shares my feelings (I'm gay btw). But each time I had these thoughts, everything would crumble because the only image that would come to my mind was that we would get to that certain point and I would feel humiliated. This worsened, even more, my depressed state. I began to remove more and more people from my life and to withdraw from any social interaction or events. I would keep in touch with one or two friends and that during school where I felt ok (I am the funny guy who goes home only to deepen himself in loneliness). Now, after this 3rd year of college, I feel that I've hit rock bottom. For the first time, I realized that my life, which I can't even call it that way, is truly awful, boring and most importantly meaningless. I see many of my college mates that I once used to call them my friends living amazing lives, traveling, meeting people, falling in love, experiencing new things, making themselves useful, being happy. And I'm just wasting my life. Even worse is that my anxiety is all back. I'm grateful that I still have the guts to frequent the gym. I would've liked to get a summer job or to get my driver's license, be productive in some way. I failed to mention that my parents who pay for my tuition are quite overcontrolling and conservative so choosing this path in life wasn’t the best idea not having the same freedom as many of my mates. All I managed to do one month after finishing school, while we had to complete our hospital practice was to binge-watch Netflix and porn. On the last day before I went to my parents' house to spend the rest of the summer holiday, I had the guts to call out one of the guys I've been friends with during the first year (and whom I've had a crush on ;)). And God what an amazing person he has become. Having a summer job, all sorts of projects in which he's involved, dozens of good friends and even a relationship. I had in front of me the guy I've always dreamt to be but I've never dared to even try. If I used to like him, now I would worship him. That changed something inside and gave me the strength, after all these years of DAILY PMO to finally be clean for 5 days now – and counting. And even though it's not much yet, I began to feel improvements in my mood. Not much but I feel the hope that once withered, now growing each day a little bit stronger. And now I want to address the issue which haunts me the most. I am afraid that quitting porn at all will only cure my ED and that I would remain the same anxious, sad, fearful and low-esteemed guy, only with a working penis. And now, after these days, when all I think about is Ctrl+Shift+N, I wonder if it would worth it or all I have to do is to exist on this planet hoping that my life would eventually end. Because I want to change, I want to be proud of myself, I want to strive to leave this me behind and become a new person one day at the time and to get closer to happiness as much as I can. I now stay in front of this screen pouring my soul in front of you, asking if things will get better giving up on porn. I fell that there is a wall between me and what I want to achieve and I would like to believe that this addiction represents it. I am aware that I won't accomplish anything by doing nothing in the hope that things will only sort out by themselves but I want some assurance that quitting PMO will let me find the strength to take action. I'm looking forward to your opinions, responses, and advice and I'm glad there is a community I can share my thoughts with. Thanks a lot!
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2019
    Protagonist and rob13_ like this.
  2. b-v-o-y

    b-v-o-y Fapstronaut

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    The fact that you have the courage to post here, even if anonymously, is proof that things are already getting better.
    It'll be hard, but you can do it. Things will have to get a lot harder before they get better.
    Don't compare yourself to other people though. Believe me, I've been there. We're all at different stages in our lives and it doesn't matter if you're at a different point on the path. Believe that you'll get there eventually. People can put on masks and make it seem like everything's okay and they may seem to have it figured out but deep down they may be struggling with things or have struggled with their own inner demons.

    Ultimately, we all want to be happy. Are you happy with your major/career path? If not, change it. I had to change my major twice before finding what I really liked, and even now my future scares me sh*tless, but I have come to terms with the fact that life will always be uncertain and changing. Like you, I feel like I could have been in a much better spot if I didn't have this addiction. I also exercise regularly and have started doing many other habits that have helped me improve myself but I still struggle with this. You're not alone, and things will get better.

    What helps me when I'm feeling down? Baby steps.
    All you have to do in one moment is to take the next SMALLEST step that will bring you closer to that goal. Fixate on that step. And just keep doing it. Eventually you will dig yourself out of whatever hole you're in. I'm still trying to take baby steps too.
     
  3. rob13_

    rob13_ Fapstronaut

    What b-v-o-y said, take baby steps in your self improvement journey. Start by doing something really small, like make your bed every day or meditate for 30 seconds. As you become used to one habit, make it a little more difficult. Little more, and more. Eventually you will look back and realize how far you've come.

    Build that self-discipline over time, and it will become permanent. Trust me!
     
  4. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    I forgot the sugar in the kitchen, so there's not going to be any coating. Now that's a sad dad-joke and I'm not even a dad! :p

    As @b-v-o-y stated, no more comparing with others. You don't know their hardship and your friends may look so happy now, but no one knows the future.

    PMO and depression/anxiety go hand in hand. Depression will precede PMO, because PMO is an addiction, an escape mechanism from depression, from the emotional pain. And your emotional pain stems from your very early days on this planet, probably the first 3 years of likely being neglected (not on purpose): no mirroring, no encouragement, no love basically. Of course, you can't remember that, but I gather a psychotherapist could see that your lack of self valuing started in your childhood when you were, probably unknowingly, made to feel that you are not good enough. Depression was set in at a later stage, in teen age. And with how you describe your parents here, it looks to me to be the case that the number of encouragements wasn't probably high at all. So you've adapted, you became invisible, not striving as a child anymore for your parents' acceptance and acknowledgement; you kept walking on egg-shells for most of the time, not knowing what your parents' reaction will be, which is a coping mechanism. Sadly, as I did it too and probably many others have done it as well, you've carried these coping mechanisms into adulthood, because that's how you were led to believe the world really is, but unfortunately the map that you have of how the world should be, doesn't match how the world really is; you feel disconnected, hence depression. This is why now you feel you cannot have relationships (self-sabotage) and find acceptance in PMO.

    You are disconnected from society, probably also from nature, and very likely from the self, i.e. you don't let your true self out, you're putting on a fake self - again, unknowingly, as adaptation skill from childhood, why be yourself if that's not appreciated?

    Things can and will get better, but no just by solving the PMO situation. You need to find ways to meet those needs that were not met when you were a child. You are starved for sincere love and you seek it all the time in relationships (your desire to have a relationship, to love somebody and to share), but this is a need that was not met in your early days. The first and best way to deal with this is through dealing head on with your emotional pain and through journaling a lot about what you feel; I do not know your financial situation, but I believe a therapist (not a coach!) will be a good guide.

    Here's been my approach (doesn't always work, my mind has it's own agenda):
    - deal with negative emotions - https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/a-primer-on-dealing-with-negative-emotions.235876/
    - every single day, go out into nature (bicycle rides, very long walk); i don't do gym, yet, because it's an enclosed space without access to nature
    - change the environment - i quit my previous very well paid job, and will start a new one with half the wage - my mental health is more important than any sum of money)
    - end toxic friendships - and in my case it means almost all friendships, because they were built not on showing my true self, but showing the fake self others wanted to see
    - quit social media - i cannot emphasise this enough, you simply do not need it at all! At all!
     
  5. userSCP

    userSCP Fapstronaut

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    FINISH MEDICAL SCHOOL! Get that residency. You tell bitches you're an MD, and they will get wet.
     
  6. Andrei25

    Andrei25 New Fapstronaut

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    Reading this I was struck by how much I identify with all you said about the way I went through my childhood and how I remained stuck with the same habits in the present. I appreciate so much how everything you told me genuinely describes in so much detail my perception and concerns on life and I'm thankful for it. It's the most uplifting feeling to be understood and encouraged instead of being judged and I will try my best to follow your advice. I find it hard to be optimistic though. I was told by people that I'm too negativistic but I've never felt otherwise. I think that this is another coping mechanism that if things should go wrong at least I expected it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2019
  7. Andrei25

    Andrei25 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your advice. These are some of my defects that I compare myself to others and I try to change everything overnight giving up if it doesn't meet my expectations. I must teach myself to focus on my path and to stop thinking that the world is only black and white, I guess, and most important, baby steps.
     
  8. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    You are good enough the way you are. You don't need to seek anybody's approval, you don't need to fight to show anyone that you are worth. You didn't get approval, love during your formative years so it's normal to be less optimistic. Talk to yourself as if you'd talk you one of your best friend; you wouldn't tell him/her "your not good enough, you're so negativistic", you'd tell them "mate, we all screw up, let's do this together".
     

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