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Do you ever test your partner by doing things you know used to trigger him into relapse just to see if he can withstand it?
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No, but if I'm totally honest, I considered it when I was still considering staying. I came down on the side that that would be too unethical for me. But there was certainly a driving force of wanting to know whether he really wanted to go back to using and thinking that if I just tested it, it would prove his feelings once and for all.
In reality, besides the ethical considerations, I knew he was already living in a major trigger. He's a stay at home dad, so he was home "alone" all day anyway.
In reality, besides the ethical considerations, I knew he was already living in a major trigger. He's a stay at home dad, so he was home "alone" all day anyway.
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You can't test an addict. They will always loose.
Psalm27:1my light
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As a partner, once you get to a place where you trust yourself and your gut, there is literally no need to test him. Before that, there is a temptation to test. Usually if there is huge conflict on whether to stay or go. Addicts have no idea the pain they inflict, so many partners will test in order to try and find safety and protection while trying to convince themselves it’s safe to stay. Trying desperately to believe the person they love would not hurt them again.
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This. Once I decided to leave, any desire to test him was also gone. I didn't need to know anymore, didn't need the safety or reassurance.
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Just wondering because my wife does things sometimes that feel like testing. Not testing to see if I’ll relapse with pmo but testing to see if I’ll lose my temper or break down and beg for attention.
My therapist says it sounds like I’m being tested. But she only gets to hear my persecuting if what happened. It may not even be conscious if it is happening.
I just wondered if sometimes you want to see if the changes are real, so you poke at them to see.
I always take it as an opportunity to prove to myself that I’m different than i used to be. A challenge of my integrity if you will.
My therapist says it sounds like I’m being tested. But she only gets to hear my persecuting if what happened. It may not even be conscious if it is happening.
I just wondered if sometimes you want to see if the changes are real, so you poke at them to see.
I always take it as an opportunity to prove to myself that I’m different than i used to be. A challenge of my integrity if you will.
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Not sure how I'd react to getting tested by a woman. From the sounds of it it seems like a situation that I can't win. Why? Because if there's teasing involved I'm going to like it. Which... Kind of ruins the whole point of the testing right?
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I have a history of being very needy and codependent. I’ve been working on “giving her space” but she seems like she tries to pick fights over nothing or accuse me of playing games when I don’t initiate sex but she’s told me she doesn’t like being asked to do stuff because she doesn’t like having to say no.
So if I give her space, she will be upset that I’m ignoring everyone. But if I try to get her to give me attention, she say I’m hovering. If I straight up ask for attention or sex she will do it but be resentful because she didn’t want to.
I’ve found it best yo just be myself and do my thing and let her think what she wants. My therapist thinks this is best also.
In any case, i just wondered if other women could give me insight into this . Especially those that have dealt with broken trust.
So if I give her space, she will be upset that I’m ignoring everyone. But if I try to get her to give me attention, she say I’m hovering. If I straight up ask for attention or sex she will do it but be resentful because she didn’t want to.
I’ve found it best yo just be myself and do my thing and let her think what she wants. My therapist thinks this is best also.
In any case, i just wondered if other women could give me insight into this . Especially those that have dealt with broken trust.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Ok that’s a little different. My husband can be very needy and co dependent and I am neither of those. So, if he’s too clingy I do get to a place where I need space. What he has a hard time with is regulating ( could this be you?). By that I mean , he will get involved with something and be oblivious to everything else. He won’t pick up that our son wants to talk or show him something or he won’t hear our daughter ask a question. Giving space to someone and not recognizing when to connect and when to disengage can get frustrating for both partners. This is where I have found communications to be vital. One of my requests was that my husband straight up ask for sex. I told him if he does not verbally ask me then I’m not going to play. I have my reasons for this. She may be swinging between wanting all your attention to despising any attention. That’s not uncommon when dealing with a partners pmo addiction.
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Hmmm…
Yeah i guess it feels like “you used to break down and lose it emotionally and try to control me to meet your needs in the past when you got ignored too long so now going to test you and see how long I can disconnect before you break” kind of thing.
It could just be her mood.
Sometimes we are talking and connecting for a few days. I feel like maybe she’s starting to feel a little safer. Then all of a sudden (and i don’t feel like I’m being any different) she starts disconnecting. One word answers and stuff. It just feels very inconsistent. It’s a challenge for me but I’ve been developing tools to be self-sufficient so I don’t go into emotional meltdown.
So it feels like a test or challenge. I feel good when I pass. But i don’t know if it really is or if it’s something else
You probably aren't doing anything differently, but that doesn't mean something can't happen to remind her of a past hurtful event, and when those reminders come up, it can take her mind right back to that time. It sometimes feels just as intense and fresh as when it actually happened.
I think there are times when the SO's intention isn't to "test" their partner even though the partner interprets it that way, but what they're actually doing is safety-seeking. When someone is suffering from betrayal trauma, they will often do things to feel safe without even realizing it's what they're doing, especially when triggered. When the trauma gets triggered, it automatically activates the sympathetic nervous system...the fight/flight/freeze response...and you immediately start trying to find safety. Sometimes, you might do things you wouldn't usually do when not triggered, and it might not make sense to someone who's never experienced it. Triggers can happen out of no where or at least seem that way, even to the person being triggered. Sometimes you know what caused it, and sometimes you don't. There are times when you stay in that heightened state for a few minutes, a few hours, or even days. There really is no rhyme or reason that makes it predictable.
Due to the nature of addiction, I think it's common for the addict to feel like they're being tested whether they are or not because that's really a mindset of defensiveness. And, sometimes,, maybe they really are testing you because they don't want to be blind-sided again. When someone has been lied to and deceived for so long, it's not wrong of them to do things that give them reassurance of safety. It might feel to the addict like the SO is trying to control them or the SO is paranoid, but they're really just trying to avoid another sudden realization that everything they thought to be true actually isn't. This is all very normal for someone with betrayal trauma.
I'll try to find some of the resources I've seen about this to link here.
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I hadn’t thought of her getting triggered.
She won’t admit to having betrayal trauma. I haven’t brought it up for years because she was super defensive about us seeking help together years ago and just wanted me to fix everything. It’s all me and I have to fix it all (in her mind).
I guess I’ve gotten so used to thinking she knew what she’s doing that I forgot that she must have betrayal trauma and it’s probably even worse for her because she can’t admit it. I guess sad really. She views it as a zero sum game. If she has anything to heal then it must be all her fault. I wish she would look into it.
Well, at least that idea can be on my radar now so I can (internally) be saying “maybe this is because of a trigger”.
thanks for the reminder
Legacy of Lost Soul
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Its like asking a men if the watch females. All do it. And all females test their partners. I had 100s and all did it. Ofc they will tell you they dont do it...
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I think the test is not conscious. It just feels like she does things that she knows have gotten a reaction in the past and I am committed to not reacting the same way as I have.
But it’s almost like she’s looking for proof that I haven’t really changed and if my new personality is put under pressure it will crumble.
I think it’s like @hope4healing pointed out and it’s betrayal trauma. She doesn’t recognize she has it and she doesn’t like “psychology” terms like “triggers” so she is very unaware of what she is doing.
Don80
Fapstronaut
Because humans are not reasonable. They act on some feelings, doubts and insecurities every now and then. When one is overwhelmed with some feelings they cannot cope with it's hard to think clearly.
Legacy of Lost Soul
Fapstronaut
Lol, females test their partners to know, if the guy is really stable, strong etc, to be a provider for the family. Newsflash, you do it for milions of years, but I so believe you, that you ceased to do it, just now. Because, reasons.
Warfman
Fapstronaut
Really though what's the difference? Safety seeking is testing the partner and relationship for things you want and need in the relationship.
I agree women test relationships and prospective partners, probably part of the natural selection process. I think men need to just accept it really. And do things they know are right. When men do that I think for the most part this becomes a non issue. As Thor said he's trying to change how we reacts to it. And when done successfully his wife will be reassured.
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Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
I would say people in general test relationships. Men do it all the time. Same as women. I don’t think it’s always consciously though.
Right now I am testing my husband. I turned off all of restrictions on the computer about a month ago, to see if he would watch porn and (or) if he would still go to sleep at the same time as I go to sleep, or if he would prefer the computer. I didnt tell him. So far, it is good.
Apart from porn, I dont see a point in testing him. I dont want him to act the way he did before. I dont want him to yell at me or my children. I dont want to make him nervous or angry or anything. Besides, I dont have to. There are hundreds of opportunities every day that would make him angry before. Having little children is a test of patience all by itself
And he passes every day. He is much calmer than he was before.
But I can imagine it could be tempting to test if...he is in recovery, or is commited to change, or if he is faithful, or whatever it is one wants to know. For me, unfortunately, there is no test that would prove what I want to know. Noone and nothing can guarantee he will not watch porn anymore. I dont want him to, he doesnt want to (or at least says so), but none of it is enough to prove that it wont happen in the future. No amount of sobriety or recovery can guarantee that. I want him to never watch porn or look at women with lust, I dont want him to lie to me anymore. But no test can tell me it wont happen. Because he is a porn addict and that wont change. The only way any test could prove something would be if he failed. And I dont want that. Although I want certainty. I want to know for sure. That he loves me. That he wont go back to porn. That he will always prefer me. That he wont go back to the way he behaved before. But there is no certainty with an addict.
So, I decided to not think of it too much, like what could happen if he started again. I decided to enjoy every day and what we have right now, the love we have. In fact, I want to make his life easier, if anything. I see all the things he does for me consistenty since the Dday. I hope nothing bad will come. But I am sceptic about it. I try not to have too much hope. And just enjoy the now.
Apart from porn, I dont see a point in testing him. I dont want him to act the way he did before. I dont want him to yell at me or my children. I dont want to make him nervous or angry or anything. Besides, I dont have to. There are hundreds of opportunities every day that would make him angry before. Having little children is a test of patience all by itself
And he passes every day. He is much calmer than he was before.But I can imagine it could be tempting to test if...he is in recovery, or is commited to change, or if he is faithful, or whatever it is one wants to know. For me, unfortunately, there is no test that would prove what I want to know. Noone and nothing can guarantee he will not watch porn anymore. I dont want him to, he doesnt want to (or at least says so), but none of it is enough to prove that it wont happen in the future. No amount of sobriety or recovery can guarantee that. I want him to never watch porn or look at women with lust, I dont want him to lie to me anymore. But no test can tell me it wont happen. Because he is a porn addict and that wont change. The only way any test could prove something would be if he failed. And I dont want that. Although I want certainty. I want to know for sure. That he loves me. That he wont go back to porn. That he will always prefer me. That he wont go back to the way he behaved before. But there is no certainty with an addict.
So, I decided to not think of it too much, like what could happen if he started again. I decided to enjoy every day and what we have right now, the love we have. In fact, I want to make his life easier, if anything. I see all the things he does for me consistenty since the Dday. I hope nothing bad will come. But I am sceptic about it. I try not to have too much hope. And just enjoy the now.