Hello, There's a trend in my relationships with women that kinda annoys me and I wanted to talk about it here. I'm not necessarily asking for advice, as my situation has a lot to do with my life context and I accepted the fact that not much will change for the next 1-2 years and best route for me to become successful in those years before working to get a partner in earnest. Nonetheless, here goes.. I'd say I'm a sociable person. I'm good at conversations, and can talk to women comfortably. I have many female peers that consider me as their friends, I do so too. At one point in college I think I had more female "close friends" than male ones. That was interesting. (I consider "close friend" as friends you can easily open yourself up to) Now most of these women, most of my time in college, I strictly considered as friends. Honest to God I never fantasized about them in any sexual way. They were like my sisters, in my mind. I've had four deep crushes, (a.k.a 4 times I fell in love) ever. First last year of highschool, rest in college. I will write about them but you can skip it honestly. ----------- One of them I had a crush on, couldn't open up to ever and she went to study somewhere else and my interest died pretty quickly. My second crush was a classmate who I met for the first time in a class. As I am an amateur, I became friends with her. Had a 90min one on one chat in a coffee shop but that was all. She told me her story I told her mine. She was an avid reader, I gifted her a nice novella which she enjoyed a lot. She had to transfer to another college, interest died. My third crush was an initial friend. But I gradually developed a crush on her bc I think due to our similar religious backgrounds I foolishly thought I could have a real chance with her. I wasn't that foolish considering that many ppl in our religious circle at uni thought we'd make a good match. Like I had "allies" in her friends. She was quite an overachiever, popular among our friend circles but due to religiosity like me she has never been in a romantic relationship. I wrote her a nice poem, first time I "explicitly" showed romantic interest for someone, she liked it. But that was right when semester was ending. Had a dinner date, then had to be separated geographically. Texted for three months throughout the summer break but next semester she was studying abroad. It didn't lead anywhere. She graduated earlier, and I took a break from college. I met my fourth crush right when I learned for certain that the previous wasn't going to work (through one of her confidante's) and I was visiting a friend in another campus. My friend told me there's this Turkish-American girl who'd like to meet me (I study in US, I am Turkish and this Turkish girl was one of the very few Turks in her small college town. That's why she wanted to meet me when she heard about me I guess). We met, she and my friend toured me around the college. At one point my friend left and I was left alone with the girl. She took me to her place, made a coffee.. like Turkish coffee which is harder to make. We chatted. She was playful. We chatted extensively for months. I saw her again during spring break in a major city close to both of us. During the convo she casually mentioned she had a boyfriend. Which was so off-putting.. I still continued the day with her tho. She ended up hanging out with me for five goddamn hours that day, much longer than I expected. We even listened love songs through the same headphones. All would've been great if she didn't have a boyfriend. If I had the chance to live that day again I would simply find an excuse to leave after hearing about her bf. Anyway, I lacked the self-esteem for such an act. My interest in her died eventually, I kinda implied to her that I was disappointed to hear her having a boyfriend but she continued to try to have text conversations with me. I stopped replying as much, but occasionally do and we are friends.. I guess. Needless to say, I'm still a virgin and other than that dinner date never actually dated someone over a period of time. ---------------------- These four cases were kind of a detour but they are relevant because these heartbreaks made me lose the ability to fall in love. I'm not kidding. My mindset became very rational about romantic affairs after these experiences. Now I look at women, decide whether they are attractive or not and those who I deem attractive, I can *choose* when to feel romantically about it or not. Like an on-off switch. My heart hardened I guess. But after these experiences a sense of alarmism hit me. Every day I'm thinking about how can I access sex. I fantasize about a few female friends I found attractive, sexually and imagine scenarios where I end up dating one of them and end up having sex. All are unrealistic scenarios. I need to make the mindset change difference clear: before, when I developed a crush it was a genuine wish for having a relationship that would end up with life long partnership. Now I'm only thinking about casual relationships. When I think about having sex with one of the females I know, I know I will never have a long term relationships with them as our values/backgrounds don't really align. At best a casual relationship lasting couple of months. Which is unrealistic because I never have been in one of these and don't know anything about how to have a romantic relationship. A major issue I have which you might have realized is that I am bad at signaling romantic intent. I don't even think I'm ready for having a romantic relationship but I'd like to flirt with women. I can easily have long conversations with women.. but can't really make the jump to flirting. I'm also very self-conscious about sex appeal. I don't think I appeal to women sexually and that's why the dynamic never jumps above friendship. anyway I'll end it here.. I might add stuff later.