Women: Making the jump from friendship to romantic..

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by CanDoe, Mar 16, 2020.

  1. CanDoe

    CanDoe Fapstronaut


    There's a trend in my relationships with women that kinda annoys me and I wanted to talk about it here. I'm not necessarily asking for advice, as my situation has a lot to do with my life context and I accepted the fact that not much will change for the next 1-2 years and best route for me to become successful in those years before working to get a partner in earnest. Nonetheless, here goes..

    I'd say I'm a sociable person. I'm good at conversations, and can talk to women comfortably. I have many female peers that consider me as their friends, I do so too. At one point in college I think I had more female "close friends" than male ones. That was interesting. (I consider "close friend" as friends you can easily open yourself up to)

    Now most of these women, most of my time in college, I strictly considered as friends. Honest to God I never fantasized about them in any sexual way. They were like my sisters, in my mind.

    I've had four deep crushes, (a.k.a 4 times I fell in love) ever. First last year of highschool, rest in college. I will write about them but you can skip it honestly.
    • One of them I had a crush on, couldn't open up to ever and she went to study somewhere else and my interest died pretty quickly.
    • My second crush was a classmate who I met for the first time in a class. As I am an amateur, I became friends with her. Had a 90min one on one chat in a coffee shop but that was all. She told me her story I told her mine. She was an avid reader, I gifted her a nice novella which she enjoyed a lot. She had to transfer to another college, interest died.
    • My third crush was an initial friend. But I gradually developed a crush on her bc I think due to our similar religious backgrounds I foolishly thought I could have a real chance with her. I wasn't that foolish considering that many ppl in our religious circle at uni thought we'd make a good match. Like I had "allies" in her friends. She was quite an overachiever, popular among our friend circles but due to religiosity like me she has never been in a romantic relationship. I wrote her a nice poem, first time I "explicitly" showed romantic interest for someone, she liked it. But that was right when semester was ending. Had a dinner date, then had to be separated geographically. Texted for three months throughout the summer break but next semester she was studying abroad. It didn't lead anywhere. She graduated earlier, and I took a break from college.
    • I met my fourth crush right when I learned for certain that the previous wasn't going to work (through one of her confidante's) and I was visiting a friend in another campus. My friend told me there's this Turkish-American girl who'd like to meet me (I study in US, I am Turkish and this Turkish girl was one of the very few Turks in her small college town. That's why she wanted to meet me when she heard about me I guess). We met, she and my friend toured me around the college. At one point my friend left and I was left alone with the girl. She took me to her place, made a coffee.. like Turkish coffee which is harder to make. We chatted. She was playful. We chatted extensively for months. I saw her again during spring break in a major city close to both of us. During the convo she casually mentioned she had a boyfriend. Which was so off-putting.. I still continued the day with her tho. She ended up hanging out with me for five goddamn hours that day, much longer than I expected. We even listened love songs through the same headphones. All would've been great if she didn't have a boyfriend. If I had the chance to live that day again I would simply find an excuse to leave after hearing about her bf. Anyway, I lacked the self-esteem for such an act. My interest in her died eventually, I kinda implied to her that I was disappointed to hear her having a boyfriend but she continued to try to have text conversations with me. I stopped replying as much, but occasionally do and we are friends.. I guess.

    • Needless to say, I'm still a virgin and other than that dinner date never actually dated someone over a period of time.
    These four cases were kind of a detour but they are relevant because these heartbreaks made me lose the ability to fall in love. I'm not kidding. My mindset became very rational about romantic affairs after these experiences. Now I look at women, decide whether they are attractive or not and those who I deem attractive, I can *choose* when to feel romantically about it or not. Like an on-off switch. My heart hardened I guess.
    But after these experiences a sense of alarmism hit me. Every day I'm thinking about how can I access sex. I fantasize about a few female friends I found attractive, sexually and imagine scenarios where I end up dating one of them and end up having sex. All are unrealistic scenarios.

    I need to make the mindset change difference clear: before, when I developed a crush it was a genuine wish for having a relationship that would end up with life long partnership. Now I'm only thinking about casual relationships. When I think about having sex with one of the females I know, I know I will never have a long term relationships with them as our values/backgrounds don't really align. At best a casual relationship lasting couple of months. Which is unrealistic because I never have been in one of these and don't know anything about how to have a romantic relationship.

    A major issue I have which you might have realized is that I am bad at signaling romantic intent. I don't even think I'm ready for having a romantic relationship but I'd like to flirt with women. I can easily have long conversations with women.. but can't really make the jump to flirting.

    I'm also very self-conscious about sex appeal. I don't think I appeal to women sexually and that's why the dynamic never jumps above friendship.

    anyway I'll end it here.. I might add stuff later.
  2. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

    I know it's scary, but you (usually) have to actually ask her explicitly if you want any kind of romantic relationship. It very rarely just 'happens', going in for a kiss can work but you have to have good timing :)

    Next time you like a girl and you want to take her out for a coffee, explicitly use the word 'date'. It really helps to let her know that you are interested in her early on. If she rejects you, that is fine - you need to open yourself up to the idea of being rejected. It is better to ask and be rejected than for girls to just slip away (although it might not seem like it at the time).
    CanDoe likes this.
  3. CanDoe

    CanDoe Fapstronaut

    I knowww!! It's easier said than done though, not because I'm too embarrassed to ask or anything but.. like my relationship with women I know go into friendship mode too quickly and I never really wanted to risk that. Which is different than being scared of rejection imo. Only time I did was with that poem I gave, which led to like an implicit-explicit scenario (like I never asked it explicitly but we both knew). Anyway, my situation is really context-bound.. lot's of personal factors, coming from a conservative background especially. Still, I appreciate the suggestion.
    fredisthebes likes this.
  4. rgm

    rgm Fapstronaut

    An important part of getting them to like you is physical touch to be honest.
    I used to not do this either and befriended almost every girl I met (partially intentionally but also girls I liked).
    You don't have to overtly flirt. Plus there's no need to straight up tell them at first, you don't just get the confidence or ability to do that.
    Instead make sure you just hold eye contact for longer periods, get a bit into her personal space and see how she reacts.
    Does she react by moving back or looking a little less comfortable or does she like it or neutral? Neutral or positive = what I did was a good move.
    If she reacts a bit negative, doesn't have to mean that she isn't into you or dislikes you. Could also mean she isn't comfortable enough with you yet or maybe a bit shy.
    Of course if she makes it clear, shows offense etc. consider it a lost cause.
    (In that case just think about: did I over do it and make her feel unsafe because of what I did? (or was the setting/vibe wrong) Or did she just interpret a pretty normal move in an overblown manner? In that case you should just forget about this, move on and realize it was nothing personal.)
    If she responds well, add in some physical touch after some time. A simple shoulder touch in a natural way during conversation for example, is a great start.
    Practice this with people you're comfortable with first so it's a natural thing for you.
    Eye contact, physical touch and being in each other's personal space creates some sexual tension and makes it easier to see if she's someone who would respond positively to being asked out as well.

    Hope this helps!
    CanDoe likes this.
  5. RicardoL

    RicardoL Fapstronaut

    "I accepted the fact that not much will change for the next 1-2 years and best route for me to become successful in those years before working to get a partner in earnest." ... that line hit me the hardest ITS EXACTLY how i feel. and its the correct approach. Work on yourself first the truth is the world is "competitive". eg for me i am well a recovering porn addict. when i gave that up i still have M urges, then only to discover the underling cause of everything is in fact mental illnesses aka (depress and bipolar disorder) . so work on yourself 1st , see is as u are a stock a car about to race you are in garage right now working and modifying. then enter the tracks and win
    Candun, Protagonist and CanDoe like this.
  6. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    it isn´t that hard. just ask out the woman you like and go for the kiss at the end of the nigth. if she kiss you back she likes you, if not she doesn´t. Move on to another one. never be friends with the womans that you like, romance or nothing.
    takingthejourney likes this.
  7. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    Here is what I think. A lot of men think too rationally. A conversation has to be about information to them, one person conveying information to the other, or discussing ideas about a topic.

    Not all conversations are rational. You can talk for fun. You can play with words and sentances, you can joke, you can say shit that doesn't make sense. You can make fun of people, you can exaggerate.

    This is something that took me a long time to realise. Men are attracted to women and women are attracted to men. The fact you are a man will make you attractive.

    I used to have the same problem of showing interest. Honestly bro sometimes you have to think with your other head, not your head head, your dick head. If you feel attracted let it show. You have probably bottled up your feelings of interest for years, so it might be hard and unnatural at first. You don't need to think about it. You don't need to think about love or relationships or soul-mates or whatever the fuck else you think about.
  8. takingthejourney

    takingthejourney Fapstronaut

    What he just said trust me its as simple as that
  9. Мобильный

    Мобильный Fapstronaut

    I am in a no way an expert in this subject, i am in the process of transition from 'man' into 'alpha', but your problem is your lack of confidence, which is a turn off. Despite what you may have said to yourself, you do want to have sex with those women, you need to accept that fact. My advice - ask yourself 'Why?' constantly. 'Why I don't see myself as sexually appealing?',' Why can't I just say this girl I like her?'
    Be honest with yourself, don't lie, don't follow your usually thought patterns, listen to that answer that comes from inner core. When you determine your problems, your insecurities, when you have a list of 'because', then at least you'' know what to deal with. How to do that - well, I can't say, it is different for everyone.
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. Hello man,

    I was EXACTLY in your case 2 years ago. I started approaching girls in my everyday life to become better with girls but after like 5 months i still had the same problem as you.

    You need to understand that this blockage comes from your past and limiting beliefs that you have accumulated over the years. These limiting beliefs can come from your subconscious mind or your conscious mind. Or maybe both. As long as those limiting beliefs are present, you can't change. Don't focus on "how to be more sexual with girls." Focus on those limiting beliefs. The problem is more complicated and profound than a superficial answer.

    The affirmations I'm about to give you are limiting beliefs that you may have without realizing it.

    1. If I express my desire for a girl, I'm gonna get rejected...
    2. I don't want her to think I'm just thinking about sex.
    3. I prefer to get to know her before I express what I feel deep down inside...
    4. I'm a nice guy. I don't want her to think I'm a pervert.
    5.I'm scared because of my past, I prefer not taking any risks
    6. I've been rejected enough in the past, I need affection. I'll do anything to make her understand that I'm a good guy.
    7. I don't want to succeed. I don't deserve it

    The most important thing is to find the real reason why you don't dare to express your desire. There are many others. You must delve into your past. You must realize that this limiting belief is just a belief.
    When you find that reason, you're 80% of the way there.

    I've been harassed at school.I became a nice guy for fear of being rejected over and over again (It all happened in my subconscious mind). This is my limiting belief. I couldn't express my desire because I didn't want girls to think I wasn't a nice guy.

    I hope that you will find yours and that you will be able to remove this belief that prevents you from being authentic. A fulfilled man is freed from all his limiting beliefs that prevent him from being himself. Taking action is not enough. We all have limiting beliefs to identify.

    I wish you the best
    CanDoe likes this.
  11. ASHAM

    ASHAM Fapstronaut

  12. ASHAM

    ASHAM Fapstronaut

    Man's guide to woman. John Gottman

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