Work in Progress - Jarvy's Journal

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by jarvyjarvison, Apr 2, 2019.

  1. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys. So, I'm a 32 year old male with a shitload of problems.
    • I have schizoaffective disorder.
    • I'm on 6 different psychiatric medications.
    • I think my med's are giving me ED.
    • I'm a kratom user
    • I'm 5' 10" 287 lbs.
    • I haven't had sex in at least 7 years.
    • I'm a 2-pack-a-day smoker.
    • I make minimum wage.
    • I dropped out of college after my first psychotic episodes.
    • I've been hospitalized between 1-2 dozen times for my illness.

    On the bright side, I did a six month reboot and now masturbate occasionally and watch porn maybe once a month.

    Anyway, I've made various attempts at self-improvement. I've gone on month-long stints of going to the gym every day. I've tried to lose weight. I tried quitting smoking twice last year. No matter what I do, I can't seem to make any progress. I'm lazy and unmotivated and tired and everything seems like such a chore. What should I do?
     
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  2. CoolBuddy7

    CoolBuddy7 Fapstronaut

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    Well, maybe you should just start with quitting one of them at a time. I would say, start with Smoking. Start coming off this smoking addiction. That's so deadly. You have to quit that. Don't concentrate on quitting anything else at the moment, while instead you concentrate on quitting Smoking only. Maybe there are other things you are optimistic on quitting, but, just start with Smoking because it's so damn dangerous, so just shrug it off. Then, when you find it easier to cope with; start coming off the next addiction which is again the next dangerous addiction you have.

    Being Lazy is a choice. You have to make the choice of having to get going, no one can motivate you except for yourself. It may sound harsh, but that's the truth. You can keep watching all of those Motivational video's, motivational speeches, but in the end, it's up to you to stand up and do it, or just stay around being lazy. You might like it, being lazy, but trust me, you miss out on so much when you are lazy. Stop being proud (If you are....) for being lazy, and if you are ashamed of being so, it's a choice you make. So chose to work hard.

    This is definitely going to be hard, but that's how one attains greatness. You have to have enough plans and back-ups available to be doing when you're bored. You say that you had done a six month reboot, it's great. If you can quit that, you can quit anything. Don't lose hope, for that's what keeps you going. Hope is everything and I hope, I really hope you will surely quit all of these addictions, your life is certainly going to become better. There might be harder times when you might be tempted to quit. Try your level best to not give up, but, in the end, if you did it, don't just blame yourself. What has happened can't be changed now, and you must not feel ashamed, for you have to learn from that. Don't give up. Keep on trying till you make it. I have seen the wonder someone's hope has on you, and the continuous trial you put to make them believe that the belief they had on you is true. I believe you can do this. I know you can. Your life is certainly going to become a lot better. Keep working till you reach there. CHEERS, and Good Luck !:):)
     
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  3. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    You have to take action. You know exactly what you need to do to become better, there is nothing stopping you from doing it. Start doing stuff right now. Start small, it could be doing the dishes or picking up your laundry but stop reading this post and do it RIGHT NOW.

    If there is something you can do right now, do it. Never put it off. After a few months of doing stuff like this you will be in a much better place.
     
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  4. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I think you're right. On top of the health effects, I'm spending about $400.00 a month on cigarettes. I could really use that money. I tried quitting twice last year and made it about a week each time. I think you're right. I think it's time to give it another go.

    I'm not really proud of being lazy but I'm not really ashamed of it either. I consider it just part of my personality. I've tried so many times to stop being lazy, start doing chores, pick up some good habits, etc. but I just feel so drained all the time. I'm tired. I'm only 32 and I'm super tired all the time. I sleep pretty well most nights but I'm still tired. I've tried everything from quitting smoking to meditation to drugs and all that but I can only find temporary success. Like, I'll do really well for a couple weeks or a month but I have trouble keeping it going.

    Thanks man, great advice.

    UGH man. Do I HAVE TO start now? ;-)
     
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  5. CoolBuddy7

    CoolBuddy7 Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to most of what you have said here, I am a lazy person too. I just keep on procrastinating on doing stuff, and I am about to lose my entire life due to my laziness, but I guess constantly trying to quit your addictions, can really pay off.. and I have seen it work too. That's why you have to start doing things now. You are tired all the time, and there may be a lot of reasons for that, like your diet's maybe a problem. You should also, divert most of your energy into doing stuff, only stuff that you have to, and stuff which are going to lead to an improvement in your life. Also, you must stop thinking that you are drained all the while, instead you can cheer yourself up, saying you are high of energy by then. Those temporary success you feel, are just short glimpses of what they would feel in the long run. So I would say, stay energised, stay Gritty, don't give up, keep trying, things sure will work out in your favour. CHEERS....
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2019
  6. Oh boy and I thought I had problems. I'd recommend either living a peaceful life on the countryside or seeing a good therapist. Probably both. Good luck, there is hope for everyone of us :)
     
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  7. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    UPDATE:

    So, I went to visit family over the weekend and had to stop using kratom for a few days so I decided to quit for good. I felt depressed, bored and at loose ends all day on Saturday. I felt a little better yesterday and today I feel a lot better. I'm still not as chatty or fun to be around as I was on the kratom but withdrawals were minimal - a lot like caffeine withdrawal. I'm ysstill not 100% I want to make this permanent because, well, kratom feels really good. The downsides are that it interferes with my sleep and I go some nights entirely without sleep, it costs a lot of money, and I have some weird physical side effects.

    I've been reading Covey's 7 Habits again and I realized that using kratom is not in accord with my principles such as honesty, responsibility, healthy living, and maturity. I value these principles even though I'm not living in harmony with them at the moment. So, I'd like to change that.

    So, next up on my todo list is to quit smoking but first I wanna fully adjust to being off the kratom then I'll work on that so I don't overload myself.

    Wish me luck! Thanks for the replies!
     
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  8. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    UPDATE #3:

    Alright guys, so it's been over a week since I quit kratom and man have things improved in the last week. I don't know how much of it is because I quit kratom and how much of it is because my attitude has changed but, man, have I changed. I'm eating healthier, I'm more awake and aware. I feel smarter. I'm more caring and empathetic. It's only now that I realize how much of a slump I feel into. I turned into a hateful son of a bitch on kratom. I had some idea that something was wrong. I knew it wasn't right to be feeling so shitty all the time but I didn't connect it to the kratom. After all, kratom makes ya feel good! Right? Wrong.

    So here are some of the improvements I've made.

    • I'm through the first three habits on 7 Habits and I've been applying them
    • I just devoured in one day Me, Myself, and Them, a book about schizophrenia written form a schizophrenic's perspective.
    • I feel more genuinely connected to my friends and I'm making new friends.
    • I'm more thoughtful.
    • I'm more spiritual. Every night before bed I think of things I'm thankful for for the previous day. I'm not quite at the point of praying and going to church yet but this is a baby step in that direction.
    • I'm using my time more wisely
    • I'm finally doing the chores I've been putting off around my house
    • I recommitted myself to NoFap.
    Just, in general my whole life has improved dramatically in the last week.

    Next up, quitting smoking. I'm not gonna do it now because I'm still adjusting to life off kratom but I'm thinking after a solid month I should be able to quit. It's killing me; I can barely breathe. And it's costing me a bloody fortune!
     
  9. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    UPDATE #4:

    Okay guys, so these last few days have been pretty tough. For a number of reasons, I have lapsed into a manic episode with some psychotic symptoms. It's been 4 days since I've had a good night's sleep. I stopped taking the kratom the Friday before last, so now going on two weeks. I think that's playing a role. Also, I didn't tell you guys this but I have been taking modafinil for the past few months as a cognitive enhancer. I had to stop taking that as I believe it was playing a role in my mania. Finally, I forgot to get my depot shots and I've been taking my medicine later. One night, I accidentally took two lithium instead of one.

    ANYWAY, I've been feeling pretty rough. I got my shots yesterday and today is the first day I feel like I'm not having symptoms but I'm still not sleeping. When I lose sleep, things tend to get worse pretty fast. I see my doctor in two weeks.

    So yeah, quitting smoking is on hold. I'm still doing better than when I was on kratom but not as good as my last update. I've started meditating again also to help me deal with the thoughts.

    Wish me luck.
    God bless,
    Jarvy
     
  10. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    UPDATE #5:

    I'm pretty tired, you guys. I haven't slept properly in five days. Last night I only slept two hours. Thursday, I got 5-6, which felt pretty good but the 3 nights preceding Thursday I only got 2-4 hours of sleep.

    So, yeah, it's been rough going but it's worth it. In spite of my lack of sleep, I won a game of chess yesterday. My opponent was much more experienced too. I'm making new friends and I feel like I'm forming genuine bonds with people. Sure, I had good times with kratom, but I was incapable of true friendship. My relationships were very superficial and consisted mostly of juvenile humor. I'm now 100% sure I don't want to use kratom ever again.

    I kinda took a pause from reading 7 Habits after I got through the third habit. I've still got a lot of activities to do, but I'm skipping them too now and moving on to the 4th habit. I do plan on buying a weekly planner but the FranklinCovey Planner + Starter Pack + Binder costs over $100.00. I'm looking at the Panda Planner and the Law of Attraction Planner on Amazon. If you guys have any good advice for a good planner, let me know.

    Still doing NoFap but so far I haven't really been tempted to P, M, or O. Oh yeah, actually there was a "butt model" on Fox News and you guys know what that can do to a guy. I utilized the 'PANIC BUTTON' and I made it through just fine.

    I'm still planning on quitting smoking because I'm wheezing all the time and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. Also, I simply can't afford it. But I can't quit now because I can't put any more stress on myself. I know from experience that I will break.
     
  11. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Alright, guys. Man, I can't believe it's been less than 2 months since my last post. It feels like it's been 6 months. I've made a lot of improvements:

    • I read the first four chapters of 7 Habits again. I bought a planner so I can start implementing my roles and goals. TBH, I've been slacking on the planner lately. Motivation has been a big problem for me. I go through periods where I can motivate myself but it generally lasts less than a month. It's been really difficult to engrain new good habits
    • I've been completely off drugs for 2 months. Only 2 drugs I take are nicotine and caffeine. I plan on nixing the nicotine as early as possibly next week. I put that on hold while my body adjusts to medication changes and being off drugs.
    • I read The Purpose Driven Life all the way through. It took a little more than 40 days, reading 1 chapter a day. I got a lot out of it and I kinda miss reading it so I'm thinking about reading it again.
    • As you can all see, I've been PMO free for 64 days. I'm going hardcore monk mode and so far so good. I'm not planning on masturbating or looking at porn ever again in my life.
    • I did start going to church every Sunday, so that's a good habit I guess. Still don't pray very much though.
    • I started programming computers again. I'm currently coding in python. I've got a project going for my niece. I'm building her a game. I'm also working through a book on data science. All this is hopefully going to lead to me getting a meaningful job. Fingers crossed.
    Anyway, that's about all I have to report for now. Will keep ya posted.

    PS: I edited the title of this thread to make it more positive.
     
  12. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    I had my last cigarette last night around midnight. It's about 2pm here now, so 14 hours. My official quit date was this morning at 7am but I decided not to smoke a last cigarette this morning like I usually do when I try to quit. So it's been 7 hr.'s since my quit date.

    I've been smoking since I was 14. I'm now 32. So that's 18 years. I was up to 2 1/2 packs a day and had been smoking at that level for at least the past 5 years so I decided to go with combination therapy for my method. That's where you put the patch on and then use lozenges on top of that.

    I'm planning on doing the bare minimum for the next week. I paused my habitica account. I'm hoping for a stress-free week. The nic cravings are bad enough without stress. So far the most annoying symptom I'm experiencing is lack of concentration.

    Anyway, wish me luck.
     
  13. Informius

    Informius Fapstronaut

    Good luck!! Hope you can quit, how are you planning to do it? are you going cold turkey?
     
  14. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, man! I'm quitting with Combination NRT (nicotine replacement therapy). I'm using patches + lozenges. But I'm not using the lozenges as instructed. I'm only using them for breakthrough cravings. I used 3 the first day, 2 yesterday, and I'm going for none today.
     
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  15. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Alright guys, so it's day 3 of NoSmoke. I'm doing pretty well. My technique has been to simply avoid all triggers. For instance, I stopped studying heavy texts because the stress makes me feel like I need a cigarette. I also stopped coding for a couple days because I always smoke when I need to think to come up with a solution. I will gradually re-incorporate these activities into my day but not right now cause, frankly, I'm having a hard enough time as it is.

    I'm having it pretty easy this time though. Cravings are manageable. Withdrawals aren't too bad. So far, so good!
     

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