Working toward healthy sex life

Well...pretty near miss today. I'm home sick and found myself browsing YouTube, and soon enough, I'd stumbled onto this Japanese video of a masseur giving his client an erotic massage. Damn. That stuff is everywhere. After a while, I caught myself and left it behind without succumbing completely. Just wanted to be honest..

It's a beautiful day, and yet I have very little energy. It's partly being sick, but it's also not really knowing what to do with myself. So much of my energy before was trying to keep a lid on my libido--either through quick PMO sessions or channeling the pressure into hobbies--so that I wouldn't have to fight against the fear of intimacy. Now, with no need to stay isolated, I don't really have ready interest in all my various projects. I expect this is a facet of flatlining. I'm not sure who I'm becoming in this next phase. Things are still exciting with my husband but very unsettled.

I'm enjoying connecting with the community here. Thanks, all, for the great conversation and camaraderie.

 

Well, having had a bad night with my virus or whatever it is, and my husband having got up to go make coffee and do the morning routine, and knowing that we have a follow-up date with the therapist this evening, I just said, "what the hell?" and did the same thing that worked a few days ago: The aneros for a little while, without P, and then lubrication, and it was all right there. I tried to go slowly, but still ended up with a bit of a tight grip, but it was definitely better. The full release.

I've reached some conclusions this morning:

First, I can't live my life waiting for the next "window of opportunity" for the next chance to O. It just becomes another distraction and heaps more pressure on me. If I start to dwell on the frustration of DE and get all stopped up with it, I need to allow myself some relief, without P and without relying on the death grip.

Second, I am clearly becoming more sensitive, and I'm getting used to "wet" rather than "dry" M. There is a lot of numbness on the shaft from years of friction, but I think this is just a matter of learning a new set of sensations.

Third, my DE is definitely psychological in some way I can't see yet. Earlier in life, I had all sorts of blocks, and I could feel them swirling in my mind during sex: "I'll never make it before he does, and I'll be left behind." "It's taking too long, and he's going to give up." "Why can't I enjoy this like any other man..?" ...and so on. So now the question for the therapist this evening is how to dig underneath to see what this DE is all about. It's not that there isn't enough stimulation. It's not that I'm worried my husband won't take whatever time I need or "leave me behind" in his own O. It's not that the medications are preventing O. So what's the road inward to sort out this DE issue, as we sorted out the whole married intimacy puzzle?

I am more hopeful about this situation than I've ever been in my life, having eliminated all sorts of reasons from the analysis, thanks to my patient husband.

 

Well, we officially declared our couples couseling "finished" last night. It's surreal: one year and a bit to accomplish some heavy rewiring of my brain. His advice about ongoing DE, as I interpret it, was about re-attuning my pleasure centers to amdifferent sort of eroticism than P, to play with my husband in order to discover where the "tipping point" between the wonderful sensory feelings and the mechanical, grip hard and pound in order to reach O. But the emphasis was on play and exploration, and I have patience for that at the moment.

I'm now one month without P, and I will be looking for ways to swap out the P images in my mind with real memories and anticipation of my husband. Never thought I'd be able to do that. Never in a million....

Now, please, if I could get over this virus....ugh.

 

Yes. It's been difficult over the years to figure out where the root of the problem lay, so figuring out how to move beyond it has been difficult, too.

 

Thanks very much, I appreciate that. I hope you're doing well, yourself!

 

Change is both unsettling and exciting. Some of my most painful career moments--being laid off--actually led to much better, more creative roles and work somewhere else. So let me know how your decisions progress. I'll be interested in supporting you through that, as well as through our work here.

 

You're certainly right. I try hard to be patient and just go with the process. It would be easier if I knew for sure that something would happen eventually. Faith.

But thank you for your kind support.