Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

This new way of being intimate where I am 'allowed' to act on my desires during intimacy is causing a bit of disruption in my brain. I am beginning to realise how much I used to think about and plan intimacy. In the last month of being totally passive during intimacy and only reacting to S, meant no need to think about anything because all that was taken care of for me by S.
Now I am to act on my desires when being intimate, questions pop into my head like:

What if she doesn't like what I do?
What should I do instead of those things?
If I do things she doesn't like will she stop being intimate with me, or be upset?

These questions create stress which I take into the intimacy. I know the answer to these questions and they are all to do with communication during intimacy. S will let me know if she doesn't want something to happen that I am initiating. As she has been for the last month, she will guide me in what she would like to happen, and therefore the frequency of intimacy would not be effected because we have been open and honest with each other.
I need to trust myself to still be sensitive to S's wishes when being intimate, and I need to trust S will let me know when I am doing something inappropriate, listening and looking for her communication about these things.

 

So my affirmations have really changed!
They are now reduced down to:
I communicate open and honestly about sexual intimacy.
I am grateful for and reflective of sexual intimacy.
S decides when sexual intimacy starts and stops.
Permanent semen retention is my intention.
By being open and honest I am able to get used to talking about when sexual fantasies show up for me, about when intrusive sexual thoughts show up for me, and I am able to talk about the analysis and thinking i do about our sexual relationship. S is very gentle and understanding when i am open about these things. I do not go into too much detail but enough that she knows if I am distressed.

A real turn around is the idea of being reflective and grateful for sexual intimacy. To do this I need to think about when we have been sexually intimate - something previously I have been trying to avoid through fear of resexualising my mind.
I attempted this yesterday while alone out for a walk. I made a point of thinking about all the sexual intimacy we had had over the last month or so, making sure I didn't add or change anything. I stayed surprisingly calm and unaroused.
There was no recurrent thoughts throughout the day and no craving to make love that evening.
This highlights to me that the thing that is like a drug to me is not thinking about sex in general, but fantasising about what might happen in the future.
This is a real break through. This means I can think about sex. I don't need to banish all sexual thoughts from my mind in a rush of guilt, I just need to focus on what has been. Be grateful for what has been shared with me and reflect on why I am grateful for what had happened.
The hope is that this will reinforce my acceptance of the way we want to make love as a couple, it will start to reduce the habit I had of planning(fantasising about) intimacy, and it will bring a sense of abundance to our love making, rather than the future thinking driven sense of scarcity which has been with me so much of my life.

 

Some beautiful love making this morning. Gentle and considered. I was free to act on my desires at the same time as being open to communication from S's body, which meant I (hopefully) didn't make her uncomfortable or over heated. The joy of non ejaculatory sex is that it can start and stop as many times as we like, and after an initial quite hot period we settled down into some beautiful mutual sensual touching.
I think one of the features of conventional sex which creates a sense of scarcity, is ejaculation. Knowing that all the pleasure has to come before the emission, because you won't want to do anything for a good few hours or days afterwards, creates a desire for it to be good, and to last as long as possible and to be satisfying for both partners. remove this deadline and the other things are irrelevant.
It doesn't have to be good, it can be just 'ok' because you can do it again as many times as you like when you like and then it might be good.
It doesn't have to last long because again, it can start and stop without the biological barrier of the refractory period. As it happens though, it does last as long as you like.
And it doesn't have to be satisfying for both or even one partner. Any lack of satisfaction is carried over to the next session which can be as soon or as far off as either person likes.

So those are some of the positives of non ejaculatory sex, what about the negatives?
Well you don't get that addictive, heroin type hit which feels so good. Is that a negative? Eating just takeaway feels pretty good, so does drinking lots of alcohol, gambling, binge watching box sets, cream cakes, chocolate. No positives in my life though. So for me ejaculation is akin to drinking beer. I know I have had a really bad problem with it in the past, and am very wary of indulging again because of its addictive nature. I have seen the massive benefits to not using it and don't want to experience the negatives of using it again.

 

I am still constantly surprised by how non ejaculatory sex can still be satisfying. After yesterdays intimacy I felt content and warm inside throughout the day. No neediness or cravings for more.
I guess that is the oxytocin that is released through close physical contact and arousal.
We have moved onto another book now to read together. I think I have realised that it is not the having sex we need to work on, it is the love and commitment. Once we know how to behave around each other in an open and loving way, the intimacy follows. Our intimacy is just an expression and extension of our love for each other, therefore will mirror our relationship.

 

Feeling good yesterday. My mind and body seem to have settled down from its former sexualisation. 40 days in and I have no urges to ejaculate, no wet dreams, and no sexual frustration. I didn't flat line probably because I had not been masturbating or using porn and had only been ejaculating once a week for a few years.
This journey is life long and has had many cycles and spirals. This current path feels good. I am not stating this is it for ever because I have said that in the past only to relapse. What do 12 step addicts say? Every day they are either in recovery or heading for relapse, there is no arrival or end point. Recovery is a process.

 

Are wet dreams lucid? I am sure mine are. The last 2 times I have been having sexualised dreams I have been aware that they might lead to ejaculation and was able to stop the dream. This happened last night. As the feeling of arousal grew in the dream I said to my self this will make me O. As soon as that thought came into the dream, I was able to say I didn't want that and woke up.
Interestingly we watched a film the night before which had no sex at all in it but it did have a couple talking about affairs and who they were 'screwing' now, and there was discussion about infidelity. We do not normally watch films or television so this was probably quite a stimulation to my mind. I remember not reading before sleep as is usual and going to sleep thinking about the story line of the film. I think this probably influenced my dream.
We take for granted so much the media we consume, and I feel are often not conscious of the effect it can have to our thinking.

Anyway I discovered an amazing thing yesterday CHASTITY! So I am NOT talking cages, whips and femdom, I am talking about the Roman Catholic virtue of chastity within marriage. I was looking for some model or framework that best fitted S and my current relationship goals and values and stumbled across Chastity as described below:

Chastity for a married person requires complete faithfulness of body and mind toward the spouse. Any sexual or romantic encounters with anyone other than one’s spouse are obviously forbidden. But there are other matters that would violate marital chastity, such as sexually fantasizing about anyone outside the marriage, engaging in flirtatious conversations, inappropriate touching with others, looking at pornography and so forth. The virtue of chastity enables and requires one to be exclusively devoted to one’s spouse.

Within the marriage, chastity requires that the couple engage in sexual intimacy that is respectful of the bodily integrity of the spouse and avoids words or actions that might humiliate or objectify them. Couples are expected to be generous in terms of the frequency of the marital act but also sensitive to the fact that one’s spouse is not always able to comply with every request for intimacy.

I love this! I am totally not religious but respect peoples choices to be, and do borrow teachings from different religions to inform my own values. This one is definitely a keeper and embodies all we are doing to make our sexual relationship an extension of our love for each other.

 

One time in the past after a near wet dream I had a real one the next day. That didn't happen this time. I am sure my mental focus during the day has an influence on how I dream and the lack of sexual content is due to the lack of sexual fantasy I engage in during the day.
Our private mental worlds are so unaccountable I think sometimes it is difficult to even recognise that we are thinking things we would prefer not to. We can think anything without external awareness. Although maybe the internet is changing that. It is so easy to transfer a thought from your brain to an internet search, literally the whole planet then knows what you are thinking!

 

Feeling really good at the moment. Intimacy is becoming a thing that happens when it happens. Something I don't obsess about before or afterwards. Something that can happen a little bit or a lot.
I am learning to label lustful thoughts as just that, and let them drift off without attention.
This mornings intimacy was very one sided. I was passive while S touched my body. We ended with our bodies entwined in a long, still embrace - lovely. I will talk about it with S though to make sure I read her communication correctly and to let her know how it felt for me.
44 days into this latest 'streak'. I am really starting to enjoy the stability of mind and consistent energy and mood which i attribute to 44 days without ejaculating. I think I would have struggled to do it without all the other components of my life being in sync. I am eating well, losing weight, am communicating really well with S and myself, I feel focused on goals relevant to my values and am seeing progress in many areas of my life. I do not attribute these things to semen retention, I attribute my success with semen retention to having the other areas of my life organised.
In the past I have relapsed due to one of the other factors in my life not being on track. I realised this time that I really needed to get on top of other aspects of my life to reduce the stress that can cause relapse. Hopefully I am building strong positive habits which will reinforce my recovery from ejaculation addiction.

 

Interesting how the slightest hardship one can blame on not having enough of something. The brain immediately jumps to the easiest or most usual source of relief as a solution to the presenting problem.

I am feeling stressed from work - sex would make you feel better.
I need to sleep - oh well sex is good at doing that.
I need to relax - yep, sex is what you need.
I am feeling tense - sex will definitely get rid of that for you.

The sex could be replaced with drugs/gambling/whatever your addiction. It is not the sex which is the thing that does the soothing, it is the chemical affects of having the sex. The change in hormone and neurotransmitters in our brains that make us feel different.
I don't know about you but I have very clear memories about how ejaculation affects my feelings and beliefs.
I can remember very clearly planning some kind of sexual activity. Fantasising about how amazing it would be to do x,y or z. On the day I decided to do it I would be totally into it, believing it was what I really wanted. It would bring amazing sensations and orgasmic feelings as I got closer to ejaculation. The actual ejaculation would be out of this world, then an instant and total U turn on my beliefs and feelings. I would be totally repelled by what I had been doing - almost disgusted with myself. All sexual activity would have to stop instantly and my mind, after a long time thinking about the sexual activity before hand, would be occupied with something totally unrelated to sex. And I had not chosen any of this. I had not chosen to start thinking about something different, or stop all sexual activity. It is just an incredibly strong drive to change the subject quick!

This is not what happens in most other situations where we are experiencing something we enjoy. This change in mindset and feelings is a direct result of the change in brain chemistry caused by ejaculation.
Biologically it makes total sense. Pursue the female until you impregnate them, then move on to the next.

So ejaculating is not a great way to improve a relationship in my opinion. Hacking that desire to pursue though, I think is a great way. To always desire your partner - is that not the ideal? To go to bed and have a wild time until you are exhausted or want to stop, then reflect on the joy it brought while falling asleep in each others arms. Then to want to do and be able to do the same or different 10 minutes or 10 hours afterwards is totally possible if men take ejaculation out of the equation.
To have a belief in how I want intimacy to go which isn't interfered with by chemicals and stays constant unless I consciously decide to change it is what I have, now ejaculation isn't involved.

 

Did some investigation into the 12 step program for sexual addiction. Interesting the why it addresses sexual activity as a whole and does not appear to focus in on ejaculation addiction for men. I would have thought with the chemical history of the 12 step program that it might mention the actual addictive mechanism so people had an understanding.
Although the 12 steps are not for me I do think they work for some.
Having a community of like minded people to turn to and contribute to I feel is very important. I am struggling to find a similar community for our goals of living a chaste marriage, but without the religion which seems to accompany any ethical life choice. Maybe i need to search for chaste in marriage and a humanist!

 

I decided to investigate the biology of semen production this morning. The conclusions were that it takes about 9 weeks for sperm to grow to maturity, then they get broken down and reabsorbed. Information about seminal fluid was harder to find but I conclude that because the fluid is produced by exocrine glands, there will be an autoregulatory mechanism managing the quantity of fluid in them, probably through some kind of stretch sensitive innervation in the gland tissue.
So in lay terms, the semen producing bits of our body know when they are full, so stop filling up.
Nocturnal emissions, therefore, are not triggered by the body needing to 'get rid' of fluids. But more likely a mixture of psychological issues connected with dreaming - a very under researched area of human psychology.
Personally I have found the last 2 times I was at risk of having a wet dream I was able to wake up. I knew I was going that way in the the dream for some reason.
During my last streak I had wet dreams quite regularly every month or so, but I dont know if there was some psychological mechanism at play whereby it became a self fulfilling prophecy - I thought " my goodness, I have gone nearly a month, I hope i don't have a wet dream, I might do".
This time I have a different mindset. I am treating ejaculation like an addiction, and I am exercising a lot more.
My thinking is less sexualised as well, because I am not thinking during the day about what I might do with my wife sexually. I have transferred that obsession onto - "what am I going to do with my wife which will enhance our relationship and foster closeness,". I am still getting sexually aroused when close with my wife and I do reflect on the closeness, but my obsessive mental focus on ejaculation has significantly reduced. I now think how the closeness was in terms of the subtle sensations and feelings of contentment, as well as thinking about how S experienced the closeness.
My mind has also moved on from 'how to have great non ejaculatory sex', to 'how to have a fulfilling and deep relationship with my wife'. The honesty and intimacy this fosters, brings similar feelings of excitement that I used to have at the thought of having sex. The vision of communicating really well with my wife, and feeling deeply in love brings a smile to my face. It is hard to put my finger on but it is something to do with honesty - no longer having to hide all those sexual thoughts, because the majority of them are not there - being able to speak from the heart rather than sensor what comes out of my mouth through fear of disgusting my wife.
I will ponder the feeling because it is an amazing thing, and try to put my finger on it....

 

Feeling really good about removing sexual fantasy and ejaculation from my life. I feel like I am 10 again!
The things I value in terms of personal development are staying constant.
When I was still ejaculating it was like my values and goals for life would change from day to day. I would be in one frame of mind for a few days and make a plan for the future, only to lose belief in that plan a few days later.
Sexually, I would sometimes spend weeks, months, or even years pursuing a sexual fantasy. The desire for that fantasy would cycle between craving and disgust depending what phase of the ejaculation fog I was in.
Now it seems like I start to think something is a good idea, and continue to think it is a good idea. It might change and adapt but I don't get that "oh my god, what am I doing my life is a mess, I am so f##ked up" feeling I would get periodically while my hormones and neurotransmitters were running through the 2 week ejaculation cycle (only to be reset with another emission before anything stabilised).

Yes, of course I am focusing on the positives, and minimising the negatives because I want to reinforce the semen retention behaviour, and remove my addiction to ejaculation.
My life has had a massive change in the last 6 years since I came out to my wife about PMO addiction and I feel I am currently making real progress.
So that feeling of honesty I spoke about in my last entry...it is still a bit illusive. After 20 years of coercive sexual behaviour my mind finds it hard to let go of keeping secrets. So this is something I will work on...

 

My focus this week is on being more present, aware and attentive when S and I are together. Her dominant love language is quality time followed by service and touch. I know I am often on my phone or computer when we are together which is not quality time together. I am trying to be more touchy, and am already quite service orientated after 20 years of looking after the home while she worked, but I am sure these areas can be improved also.

In terms of that illusive feeling of openness I described in the last couple of posts - I think it will grow from being more present when we are together. I feel that by sharing quality time the opportunities to talk openly and frankly arise more often.
I will report back...

 

Best love making of my life yesterday afternoon. I was present and attentive to the communication coming from my wife's body and I was aware and conscious of the level of arousal of my own body. It was like I was on a different pathway to the standard ejaculation peak arousal. Instead of getting hotter and hotter until I have to back down to avoid the inevitable ejaculation, I was getting hotter and hotter in a different way. I was aroused beyond ejaculation level. Its hard to describe - like electricity was running through my body. I think it was mainly due to the non penis focused attention to my body. Other erotic zones of my body were being super stimulated which meant I was getting higher and higher but without the trigger to ejaculate.
After many Os for my wife we relaxed for a few minutes and then started again in a different way. I was able to access quickly the same feelings. After this we lay in each others arms for an age floating in a dreamy trance like state - wow!
And I could have carried on for hours, or done it all again today, and the best bit is my thoughts and values are exactly the same before, during and after the love making. No, "well that's that, lets move onto something else now the female is impregnated" feelings or thoughts, just a dreamy feeling of close connection.
I am so grateful for where this journey is taking me.

 

Reading back through some of this blog I feel ashamed to admit things were not as rosy as they appeared previous to this years streak. I was still masturbating during that time. The way I justified not describing it as masturbation was that it was 'self cultivation'. Which is how the Daoists describe it. So masturbation without sexual fantasy or ejaculation. But definitely physical self sexual stimulation. As well as this I was mentally sexually self stimulating by fantasising about sex.
A nasty habit I developed at quite a young age is the ability to completely disassociate with the behaviour I am trying to hide. The effects of this are that when questioned, I am totally free from any emotional feelings. I react as if I am innocent, and I feel like I am innocent. I remember wronging a friend and work colleague in a very bad way. When they found out, they totally blanked me, which was understandable on reflection, but at the time I couldn't understand why they were annoyed with me. It's like there was no connection with what I had done and the relationship I had with this friend, so I couldn't understand their behaviour.
I think I would be described as a psychopath back then, and I think those tendencies have been hard to change. Reading my previous posts from 2019/20 I am stating how dedicated I am to bonding with my wife and how wonderful the connection is, but I am not telling you about masturbating in the mirror 4 times that day. I might be stating what a wonderful journey this is and it is great to get control of my mind, but I was not telling you I was fantasising about diverse sexual acts as a distraction technique in the evenings.
You know I keep mentioning that illusive feeling of honesty? That is exactly it. The feeling that I am not hiding anything. For me it is difficult to know because I have been doing it for so long.
I think I am being honest. I am definitely not masturbating. We have agreed it is ok for me to reflect on the sexual intimacy we have had in the recent past, which does give some sexual stimulation, but I try to avoid any fantasy about what might happen in the future, and I am not obsessing about reflecting on past intimacy.
All the quirky little kinks I used to keep secret are gradually coming out - enjoying wearing long t shirts to sleep in because they feel a bit like a dress and I like the freedom and feeling of vulnerability it gives, enjoying wearing thongs and tangas, getting turned on by the sight of my own genitals, enjoying oral and anal penetration. All things related to my bisexuality which I kept secret for 20 years.
My wife has been aware of some of these for a while now and has accepted them as part of my sexuality, but I still have intense fear of rejection at the thought of disclosing these preferences.
So really, it has been 50 days without ejaculation and masturbation. I have come across a few pornographic images while searching for info on chastity in marriage, but have pulled it back and am avoiding such web pages.
I have to be so vigilant that I don't trick myself into thinking something is acceptable when it really isn't.

 

I had a good talk with S about the previous post on here. She said she understood to a degree but finds it very complicated.
We concluded communication is the answer, yet again, with regularly checking in to make sure we are living in line with our values.
We recently did the love languages quiz and discovered my wife's primary language is quality time.
For me to talk this language I need to be more attentive when we are together. The first stage of this is to be aware of when I am not being attentive which I am finding is far more often than I would have guessed. I am either reading or looking at stuff on the internet and find it difficult to just switch that off. It is a really good exercise in raising awareness, and is the starting point for me to become more attentive to my wife.

So I have noticed my focus is going away from how not to PMO and towards how to build a really good relationship with my wife.
If I could give anyone reading this one piece of advice it would be to recognise that sex is one of the original addictions - like food. Indulging in it literally changes your brain chemistry, and therefore your mind. It can be a wonderful life and relationship enhancing activity, or it can gradually destroy your mental health and intimate relationships. If you feel it is a problem - it is a problem! Don't pussy foot around, tackle this beast with full bore, all guns blazing. Enlist as much help as you can and invest as much time and energy as you can to break the addiction before it breaks you.
Once the addiction is broken sex can start to be used rather than abused, but remember its power!
I guess this is why I have totally stopped using ejaculation to get high. Its the meth of the sex world - the most addictive and life altering component of the sexual experience. I have experienced all sorts of addiction but non so universally accepted as 'normal and natural'. But us humans advocate for addiction. We allow and promote drugs to be sold on the street (alcohol). We promote and encourage eating foods that are addictive and life shortening (fast food)
and we accept as normal that ejaculation is part of a healthy lifestyle.
I don't agree, neither did past civilizations.

 

Following on from my post about psychopathic tendencies and having an internal private world and an external public world, I thought I would do an experiment focused on semen retention.
I was concerned I have talked myself into semen retention because it is some kind of kink I have got into so I did a writing exercise where I had to answer over and over again "I believe I am not ejaculating because...". All the standard answers came out about lasting longer when being intimate, not dealing with the refractory period, not messing the sheets, having stronger and easier erections, becoming more sensitive to touch. A slightly more interesting one was because I wanted Sarah to explore erotic zones other than my penis-make love to my whole body rather than just my penis. This is a change from the standard. I would have said in the past that I am not sensitive anywhere else, but actually over the last few months I have become more sensitive in other parts of my body and acknowledge the pleasure that I an get from those areas being stimulated.
I asked my wife to do the same exercise that evening which was fun. She came up with most of the same answers as well as a load related to ego- such as 'so I can have a big number on my nofap counter', and 'so I can brag about it on the nofap forum', and 'just to see how long I can go'. I hadn't come up with any of those and they didn't feel like there was any truth in them either for me. She said it was good I was challenging why I was doing semen retention. She also said she thought I seemed happy and relaxed, which made her feel relaxed. She also said that because we are talking about sex so much more, talking had become really easy to do. She said not being focused on orgasm has made lovemaking less forced. She used to feel uncomfortable when i would say things like "I need to ejaculated at least once a week" etc, or 'we need some intimacy every day'.
Its not just not ejaculating which has caused this change, it is me not feeling entitled to intimacy and not having an agenda before or during intimacy. I believe not having an agenda stems from not fantasising about sex. Not feeling entitled came from needing to be explicit about my lack of judgement when it comes to appropriate times and actions of intimacy. My lack of sensitivity to my wifes sexual signals meant we often were not having sex when we both wanted to. I would miss her come ons, and I would miss her rejections.
Now every intimacy starts with a hug or a kiss and I am sensitive to whether that is going to lead somewhere else. S knows I will initiate this initial closeness but it is up to her to respond if she wants it to go further. Likewise for me.
It appears to be working well at the moment

 

Enjoying fun times with my wife. Its so good to laugh about things. We are currently reading the 7 principles for making marriage work by John Gottman. We recognise that our relationship was heading towards just going through the motions rather than there being a genuine intimate connection between us. Its only through really talking about things have we grown closer.
I remember very clearly when my PMO addiction came out 6 years ago. It was such a relief to be able to talk about all the issues I have had through life with sex. I knew this was my opportunity to come clean so to speak. Although it was traumatic for my wife to hear, it was the start of the healing process for our relationship.
It took her several years to come to terms with what had been showing up for me, and we still have discussions where she cannot relate at all to the situations I am describing.
It goes so much deeper than sex. We talked about our upbringings, my exposure to P at an early age, the behaviours of my peer group, coping strategies I used to deal with loneliness and bullying, and my relationship with my own life. I went through some deep self analysis over the last 6 years and before, but more intensely and honestly over the last 6 years.

Abstinence feels like it is really working this time. Sometimes we make love and it feels way better than anything I have experienced before, sometimes we make love and there is a very small amount of pleasure - this doesn't matter. I don't expect a specific feeling or experience anymore. I know we are committed to each other and know we will be close again soon, how soon isn't an issue either. I think I am starting to see that I have an abundance of intimacy so I don't need to force it or crave it or judge it when it comes. I can relax in the knowledge that this is a joyous thing, a gift that I will be grateful for whatever form it may be in.

Its interesting how the normalization of regular ejaculation in the rich global West is described even by national health services as a healthy thing to do. Despite there being no significant connection between ejaculation frequency and and physical disease, there is significant connection between ejaculation and mental health and this has been recognised by cultures throughout time. But it wouldn't be popular would it to tell men they shouldn't ejaculate more than to procreate! And with us living in a patriarch, the powers that be will certainly not suggest it.
There is a body of research emerging though. It will be interesting to see where it goes...

 

Never come across the desire for increased O when 'in captivity' . Makes sense though if you look at the rat heaven experiment on addiction. Basically the more opportunities to express ourselves naturally through bonding behaviour, exercise outside, social interaction, and engagement in meaningful activities then the less we need coping strategies like PMO or drugs.
I was trying to figure out why I haven't had a wet dream yet and its been 55 days. In the past they would come in like clockwork almost at 30 days. I guess there are two main differences. This time I am doing 4 hours of fairly intense aerobic exercise a week, and this time I stopped fantasising about how I am going to make love with my wife. I have still enjoyed some amazing love making but have let it happen naturally. I think in the past i have thought it might not happen if I didnt make it happen, and that i should maintain a regular habit of intimacy so that it becomes a habit. That approach didnt work because the desire for intimacy from my end was more to do with itching my sexual addiction rather than bonding with my wife.
Things have been different this time around. At the beginning it was quite erotic in a gentle femdom kind of way to give up any right or expectation to be intimate with my wife and let her control where when and how we were intimate. The main benefit though, was the lack of stress and anxiety usually caused by trying to initiate a specific sex act with my wife because that's what I thought initiating sex meant - have a plan and do it.
Now I realise that initiating intimacy is about making the first move - which could just be a look or a touch. If that move is responded to positively, then we move on. If not then no problem. And it doesnt go further than anyone wants.
This requires each partner to know they have the total right to stop or change the intimacy at any point without reason and the other will respect that decision without question, being grateful for the intimacy that happened.
I want to say we have less sex now but more intimacy - which is good. I definitely think we had too much sex - sex being the act of getting sexually aroused to a high level. I spent a year or so trying to get my wife to do it at least everyday which became boring and artificial. I could tell she wasn't really into it.
I am obviously not so obsessed now because I cant tell you how often we are sexually intimate. I can say we had amazing intimacy last Sunday and have been very affectionate throughout this week.
This is a good journey at the moment.

 

A good day working with my wife around the house. She asked to go to bed for intimacy in the afternoon but I am not sure if she really wanted to . She was a bit sad because of something happening in our family which was a distraction for her. We laid together for a while and talked instead of anything like the romping we got up to the week before. I am sensing that she needs some reassurance that not having to go to bed just because it is the weekend is OK.I will see what I can do to reassured her today.
27/12/20 was the last time I ejaculated. I wonder if I will remember that date like the day I stopped smoking? In fact it might be a good idea to remember that date like the date I stopped smoking. A day when I took the action to take control of my mind and therefore my life and take it in the direction I want. The day I took action to rid myself of a 37 year addiction. I remember the very first time in a hospital bathroom. I had tried to M before but never Oed until that day. I remember very clearly using sexual fantasy for the first time and it causing the most intense and pleasurable feelings I had ever experienced. That was it. I needed that hit in my life from that point on.
Its only been the last few weeks that I have realised that the real culprit to the addiction is the fantasy. Take away the fantasy and the filter of sex is taken from my eyes and my mind. I can focus on what I really want in life and in my relationships