Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Nicko Stretch, Oct 7, 2019.

  1. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Another lovely day working with my wife on garden projects and community projects. I used to get so paranoid and jealous of S talking with other men. I had terrible social anxiety and would often say inappropriate things trying to appear normal.
    Since I have stopped PMO this has changed. I guess we judge others by our own standards and if I am willing to entertain sexual thoughts about others then I should expect my wife to do the same, which is what caused the paranoia and anxiety. Now, because I don't entertain thoughts of sex with others, it is easy to accept that my wife doesn't either. There are no issues when S tells me about a nice person she met in the village or we meet on the street.

    Its all a bit messed up and I am very grateful she is still with me considering the thought crimes I have committed.
     
  2. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    A grumpy day yesterday. A lack of perceived control of how my day would pan out meant I took action which I didnt really want to do, leading to me being grumpy while doing it. S and I spoke about it and I managed to get to the bottom of what the issues were. I asked for a hug in the end which really worked to reconnect us.
    In the past, hugging was something I did for S, I didn't get much out of it other than the knowledge that she did.
    Now though, its as if I have become sensitive to the joy and comfort a simple hug can give. I suppose my brain was so used to a more intense neurochemical hit, that the more subtle releases caused by a hug didn't register. Either that or the stimulus of a hug wasnt intense enough to cause any reaction at all.
    As I am sure I have said many times - I feel at the beginning of this journey.
    My next step is to do a little investigation into abandonment and adoption. I was adopted at birth so wondered if it had anything to do with my insecurity issues....
     
  3. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I am really appreciating the mental freedom and space made by not obsessing about sex. I think half the time I used to initiate sex because I thought I better show my wife that I want to otherwise she might think I am looking at P or fantasising about someone or something else.
    I know that every night I will be in bed in my wife's arms. This gives me a sense of abundance. If I am in her arms and my body becomes aroused then that is an enjoyable side effect. My wife might respond to that arousal or she might not, I have no expectations only that she be there for me in a physically affectionate way. This might look like just laying still holding each other until the arousal subsides, or it might involve non sexual touching and kissing, or more sexual stimulation but only as a means to extend and deepen the bonding and closeness we thrive on.
    It is all very lovely.
    Our relationship goals are to get to know each other better and develop a trusting and close bond which we reinforce through acts of affection and kindness. The sex was really getting in the way so by me refraining from ejaculation and sexual fantasy, I have managed to get rid of my cravings for orgasm focused sexual contact.
    Interestingly I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time (before I started ejaculating maybe).
    I really enjoy this time in the morning where I can write about this journey and i do sometimes write in the evening in our love journal, so I can share with my wife, but my day is then usually free of sexual thoughts.
    In the past this would not have been the case, I would have been distracted by something on social media, or a person on the street or a fantasy my mind has dreamt up and that would flood my brain full of dopamine.
    It might be hours a day that I would be thinking about a fantasy on and off. Sometimes it would manifest as looking for a specific type of P or even planning a specific sex act with myself or with my wife.
    Hopefully I have finally grown out of that fantasy stage of my life and have started living in the real world. I now have more time to share with my wife, get to know her, and enjoy what we have left.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2021 at 2:04 AM
  4. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Working through the Gottman book and we have come across some games to play about discovering each others love maps. Basically getting to know each other better. And I think the key thing I have taken from the Gottmans work is that we are constantly changing so it isn't just a case of getting to know someone then you know them. There is a requirement to keep getting to know that person.
    I suppose I am still in the process of getting to know myself. I was laid awake this morning thinking "who am I ?" I couldn't hold any of the labels in my head apart from 'a sensual being', what ever that is, lol.
     
  5. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Stress building through work and I can feel my mind pulling towards thinking about sex to self sooth, however I think I am generally consciously competent in that I notice this pull and can change my mind's direction by providing a different soothing focus.
    Funny how I used to think having less sex ejaculating less and not fantasising, would make me 'less of a man'. It appears to have done the opposite - I feel more confident and self assured than ever, which actually leads to me being able to express my feelings better whether that is by talking about things that make me feel vulnerable or crying when the emotion gets to that point.
    Another fear was that my kinks would go off the scale and I would be wanting to do all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff. That hasn't been the case either. The first couple of weeks things were a bit haywire with cravings but now I am really settling down into who I feel I really am.
    I am a sensual being who thrives on all sorts of sensations. By tuning down the loud sexual sensations, I have opened up a world of other, previously drowned out sensations of the body and the mind.
    This is an amazing journey
     
  6. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Still vigilant. I have had indicators in the last few days of how my tiredness can reduce my resolve. When sexually provocative images appear online and my eye looks and seek the next. Its harmless surely. Just like the occasional cigarette after having stopped for 2 months. Which turns into one a day, then 2 then 5 then back to the addiction feeling defeated.
    I must be strongest when it is hardest to be strong. I must refocus on my values:
    I am guilty of living a secret sexual life where I look at pornographic images and sexually explicit text, fantasising about alternate sexual practices. I would do this to get high and escape stress. This behaviour distorts my beliefs and values about intimacy and generates an artificial craving to have sexual fantasies fulfilled. I start to believe that I am not being authentic if I do not find a way to engage in these practices. If these sexual thoughts manifest, I will try to establish if there is a need behind the thought which could be fulfilled in another way. I will avoid exposing myself to such material and will only indulge sexual thoughts reflecting on recent intimacy with Sarah. I will be open and honest with Sarah if I relapse.
    I have let Sarah know I have been feeling the draw of using sexual thinking to self sooth, and have managed to pull myself away. I will continue to monitor the situation.
    In real life it is different - I have to make a conscious decision to move my eyes from a persons face to their body, so avoiding these kind of sexual images should be easier. The online ones are harder because they appear where I am looking totally unexpectedly. I still have to move my eyes to look at their bodies but the eye movement is so much more subtle. Either way I reaffirm my commitment to chastity with S:
    Chastity for a married person requires complete faithfulness of body and mind toward the spouse. Any sexual or romantic encounters with anyone other than one’s spouse are obviously forbidden. But there are other matters that would violate marital chastity, such as sexually fantasizing about anyone outside the marriage, engaging in flirtatious conversations, inappropriate touching with others, looking at pornography and so forth. The virtue of chastity enables and requires one to be exclusively devoted to one’s spouse.
     
  7. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    When I think about my life I feel excited about the direction it is headed. Although I know I might not have much time left, at least I am living it to its full potential now. For a large part of my life I have wanted to be mentally and physically fit, however I have struggled to maintain any kind of consistency. Freeing myself from the mental roller coaster and lack of sensation frequent ejaculation causes feels like one of the best moves I have ever made. I remember the same feeling when I have given up substances in the past.
    I am exercising 45 mins a day 5 days a week. A good uphill walk in the beautiful countryside where I live, and this has been consistent for the whole of this 'streak'(I hate calling it that).
    I have stopped feeling I have to have sex to keep my wife happy.
    I am exploring my own psychology in a way i have never been able before. The consistency of thought and mood is helping me gain a really good perspective.
    I am loving the more stable reliable me.
    I am beginning to get to know and love myself in a way I can't remember ever being able to in the past.
    My ego seems to have receded to a point where if it does affect my behaviour in a negative way, I am more aware and able to recognise and change the bits I don't like - or at least try to change them.
     

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