Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Nicko Stretch, Oct 7, 2019.

  1. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Deadlines getting close. Energy focused on getting the work done at the same time as not becoming anxious about doing it. As it happens my wife and I are both in the same position and appear to be taking it in terms to talk about our respective workloads.
    Sleep is disturbed with an elderly dog waking us in the night. Another stressor.
    I am trying to stay engaged with meaningful activities and hobbies which is really helping, and making sure I connect and communicate with people.
     
  2. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Really enjoying reading the reality slap by Russ Harris. In theory its about how to manage the crises life throws at us, in reality it is a book that says it like it is. Life is a constant struggle against something - illness, stress, pain, bad weather, gravity...and that the sooner we accept that life contains suffering and discomfort, the sooner we can put that to one side and really focus on what brings us meaning and fulfillment despite the discomfort.
     
  3. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Tough day today. Slogged through a load of work to hit a deadline early before starting work on the next, and happy to put to bed a project that started over a year ago. Looking forward to feeling more present over the next few weeks.
     
  4. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I feel so much better after a good nights sleep. Ready to crack on with the next project. Just 2 weeks before a break and then the start of a big change for me and for us work wise.
    The last 6 years have been a really big growth period for me and for us as a couple. I have been forced to deal with the after effects of 40 years of PMO, which has unearthed all sorts of other issues I had been avoiding or self soothing. And we have had to totally rethink how we support ourselves financially and socially including where we live and who we spend time with.

    In terms of intimacy, the last couple of months have been a good opportunity for a reset. I know stress makes me less open and present and accepting that is really important. I think there have been times in the past when, even though the way I felt was nothing to do with her, I have been so scared that S would think I have gone off her that I would make myself be intimate. This would come across as not genuine to her and cause all sorts of issues for me.

    Anyway, I feel the best way for me to start to approach this issue is to accept that it is their(which I think we are doing), rather than try to mitigate the perceived affects on my wife. Once it is accepted we can look at ways it is triggered and manifests. I want to build the stamina, skills and lifestyle that mean that I can cope with stresses when they turn up, so they have less impact on my ability to stay present and connected. I think we are slowly getting there but definitely feel near the bottom of a trough at the moment. Hopefully coming up the other side soon!
     
  5. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I did an interesting exercise this morning. I wrote about my issues but from my wife's perspective. It was difficult to write about how my addictions have affected her, and that she might feel insecure because of my unpredictable mood and how my past behaviour might create a lack of trust. I felt a bit helpless afterwards. Because I can't undo the past. The exercise made me feel sad but also grateful for her love and commitment to our relationship.

    I am feeling pretty good in myself at the moment but also recognise that I need to keep S informed of where my mind is at in an explicit way so she isn't second guessing what is going on for me.
    In terms of intrusive thoughts I feel very settled. There is no sexual 'story' happening in my head. As with everything, thoughts come and go but with no power. I think a drop in stress is enabling me to feel more present and connected, so can accept the intimacy S offers, and to bid for intimacy myself.
     
  6. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Feeling more present and open as the days go on although it fluctuates depending on what I am doing.
    Not much going on in my head that I am concerned about. A slight anxiety about work but that is understandable with a really short deadline looming.
    Feeling like daily journal entries are not required just at the moment so will maybe drop it down to weekly, although I will be sure to write about anything significant that happens on this journey when it happens.
     
  7. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    So the last week has been one of transition from intense work to winding down. Not as easy as one might think, as I try to adjust to a more restorative pace of life. My mental state is quite settled, however there is an underlying anxiety about the outcomes of the work I have done recently, and about the start of the next project. I know that is living in the last and the future and am working hard to stay present by being involved in what is happening here and now.
    I reckon it has taken the last 3 weeks for me to start coming out of the desensitisation caused by my last relapse. I am becoming more able to accept and wanting of physical affection and I am so grateful to my wife for being so patient and understanding.
    It feels a little like a double edge sword being so honest about my feelings with S. It is really helpful for both of us to understand what is going on, but it does make me feel vulnerable. I suppose the biggest fear about talking about these things has been about S not wanting to have to deal with such complexity in a relationship, and this is what stopped me talking about it in the past. I do feel so much more secure now, and recognise that being myself is so much better all round than trying to be who I think S wants me to be, but I still occasionally glimpse those insecure feelings which could trigger worrying thoughts, but I think I am learning to recognise when those thoughts are not helpful.
     
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  8. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Things seem to be really levelling out now. I feel I am starting to relax and moving out of the chronic stress I have been feeling. Even though I feel very tired in a pleasant kind of way, my mind is present and my body is responsive again. I am really enjoying being physically close with S. I have no craving for ejaculation but am really enjoying arousal again, something which seemed to have disappeared over the last few months, and S says she is enjoying touching me again. :)
     
  9. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    More of the same this week. Am enjoying feeling more affectionate and touching more. Although semen retention is my attitude and I do not plan ejaculation or have it as a goal, I have really softened my attitude when it happens. This last week I ejaculated but did not have any negative thoughts about how it, or how it might affect my mood. I decided I would just carry on as if there were no implications, and this has actually been really effective.
    After this last emission I seem to have stayed open to connection with S and become aroused more easily and more often. Unwanted sexual thoughts are negligible.
    I am guessing lack of stress and the opportunity for more selfcare is contributing to this turn around.
     
  10. i89rt5

    i89rt5 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Nicko, is that ejaculation from a wet dream or sex? I am curious to know if the shift of your attitude has anything to do with the type of emission: involuntary or voluntary. Thank you

     
  11. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    It was not intentional but was during intimacy. I suppose you could say it was voluntary although there was no intention behind it. I made the decision at the time that stopping the ejaculation would have had a negative affect on the intimacy and closeness we were experiencing.
    My change in attitude is more to do with learning from past experiences where I have hung so much on the fact that I had not been ejaculating, that when I did, I interpreted it as failure.
     
  12. i89rt5

    i89rt5 Fapstronaut

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    Gotcha, thank you for explaining it. I'm very glad the change of attitude reduced the negative thoughts!
     
  13. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Quick update: Really enjoying physical contact with S, hug kisses and occasionally more. Tony Robbins reminded me the other day that an attitude of giving is what makes a relationship flourish and I am trying to adopt this when physically intimate rather than focusing on my own pleasure. This removes expectations and restores the two way dance of intimacy.
    Relaxing my attitude when ejaculation happens has not led to any craving to make it happen which is great. I still have a strong belief that ejaculation should be the exception not the rule when being intimate.
    Unwanted sexual thoughts are very low at the moment. I think by relaxing my attitude to when things are not going according to plan means I don't get a shock of fear if I do get a sexual thought. I can gently put it to one side and carry on with what I am doing.
     
  14. i89rt5

    i89rt5 Fapstronaut

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    @Nicko Stretch How are you doing? Haven't seen your post in a while? Everything is alright?
     
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