Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

So much stress lately and I have observed my good habits briefly starting to slip.No PMO but unhealthy drinking and eating. Nothing serious and due to very specific rare circumstances, but never the less something to be more prepared for in the future. As a challenge to my above theory I actually found that by talking about the stressful factors with my wife, I had more desire to have bonding with her. I think in the past when stressed I have often adopted the 'turn away'approach instead to the 'turn to' approach, bottling the stress and not sharing. I will actively try to turn towards her the next time I feel life getting between my wife and I, and see if by talking about what is on my mind, I am drawn to bond.

 

Really interesting observation this morning. I have spent the night away from my wife because of logistical issues around transport to an event today. I woke with what I thought was a desire for sex. But the feeling that I wanted sex gave me the same conflicted feelings I had last week when she didn't come to bed at the same time as me a couple of nights in a row. What I believe I actually am wanting is bonding activity. When I reframe the feelings to indicate a desire for bonding I feel so much more comfortable.
It makes me realise how my whole life I have often mistaken the desire for closeness, affection, and comforting, as a desire for sexual gratification.

 

I feel I need to incorporate more mindfulness into my day so that when sexual thoughts come into my head while we are close, I notice them sooner and let them go before I act on them.

 

Great breakthrough while being intimate this morning. When I observe the mind wondering my mantra became,"the real thing is in your arms!" It brought me back to the moment and enjoying giving and receiving.

 

So easy to blame lack of sensitivity or craving for sex on no PMO, when really it is just the natural ups and downs, stresses and strains of life which affect our sensitivity and libido. Maybe men are so focused on 'spreading their seed' that it is the first thing we look at when things are not going quite our way.
This morning, just by embracing my wife I got waves of pleasure up and down my body. I felt relaxed and she felt I was focused and aware. The difference? Not the fact that I have gone 62 days with PMO because I had similar feelings at 20 days and 30 days. The difference from last week when I wasn't feeling much at all, was that I wasn't tired or stressed. I think we really need to make the most of these windows and make a point of destressing our lives where ever possible.
I

 

Crazy night last night. Had a near wet dream but the dream became lucid and I was able to stop.

 

I really struggle with the mood fluctuations caused by orgasm. The hormone and neurochemistry changes caused by ejaculation are well researched and documented. See here (a bit old but will give you leads) : https://www.reuniting.info/science/research#research

Personally, one of my goals is to reduce automatic sexual thoughts that pop into my head throughout the day. If I am engaging in M, which usually involves fantasy, and O, which will make me crave more O, I would be encouraging sexualised thoughts instead of reducing them. When I am being intimate with my wife I don't want to be focusing on how we are going to get to orgasm, I want to focus on enjoying sharing our bodies, and I want to do that whenever and for as long as we would like. By stopping M and O I have developed a sensitivity to other sensations I previously had not been aware of. I am no longer genitally focused on her or myself and have whole body experiences of pleasure while being intimate which lingers throughout the day.
I see it a bit like the difference between shooting up heroin, and doing exercise. They both make you feel good but one has a whole load of negatives which come with it, and one a whole load of positives. The heroin gives a big hit up front with a massive come down, and the exercise has a subtler more sustained positive effect.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is a really interesting process.

 

Another great date today with my wife. We are working through the 8 dates book by the Gottman's and spent 3.5 hours talking about money.
In terms of intimacy I feel I have been more relaxed with myself by accepting sexual thoughts coming into my head but then just letting them pass rather than scolding myself. I have stepped up my mindfulness to help with recognising the thoughts and have started some metta meditation to help with self compassion.
I am getting so much pleasure from being close with my wife, some of it whole body, some of it penis centric, but that is fine because it is not a focus or leading anywhere...

 

I think I am finally getting it. Sex is not important for us,but bonding is.
I have been in a relationship in the past where sex was rationed and I thought I would die without it. When I look back at that relationship, there was also very little affection or physical contact other than when we had sex, so no wonder I thought the sex was essential.
I came into this relationship(yes i know it was 23 years ago - it appears i am a slow learner)with the belief that sex was an essential ingredient in a close relationship with no concept of bonding. In fact i think I have actively been repelled by the thought of contact without sex. I think that may have been to do with being adopted at birth and developing a dysfunctional attachment style. My adoptive parents were/are not very affectionate. They did not tell me they loved me. My sister was abusive my brother much older, and there was no one else.
I recognise now that some of my craving for sex is actually a subconscious craving for bonding and affection. My social conditioning as a male to not show weakness has probably had a hand in hiding the desire for affection and turning it into the more socially acceptable gender stereotypical behaviour of wanting lots of sex.
It has not been until I removed sex from the agenda that i realised i would not shrivel up and die without it. I feel now I know how to meet my needs with bonding being the essential ingredient to maintain our relationship with none orgasm focused sex being an optional garnish

 

Wow, such a revelation yesterday.
I had a wet dream the night before last, but instead of getting all uptight about it and feeling depressed all day I had a bit of a break through.
While driving to university in the morning I thought through my feelings about it. I recognised that in the past one of my biggests fears was my wife finding out I have been Oing without her. I would be worried she would notice lack of drive or a change in my mood. This created much anxiety. So when I use to have a wet dream the same feelings of fear, anxiety and failure would manifest even without any conscious thought.
I decided yesterday morning to change those thoughts. I reframed the situation by telling myself " nocturnal emissions are a natural physiological occurrence. I will likely have them from time to time if practicing semen retention. My wife is aware that I have them and knows they are a natural thing. I need not feel any negative emotions towards them and should see them as a sign I am healthy."
Once I had done this I basically forgot I had had one. When I did remember it was like remembering what I had had for breakfast - no big deal. This makes me wonder how much of the chaser effect is actually psychological and how much physiological. I know there is a component of both but I think by saying, "well it is just biology, I can't do anything about it" is not helpful. Thought patterns and beliefs about things can have real physical effects in the body, and I think I will challenge more my old beliefs about how I feel and function.

 

Very busy weekend so lower than usual motivation for bonding, although we did have some gentle kissing and embracing when we could.
Recovering well now and enjoyed some hotter, non orgasm focused love making yesterday.I was going to say I think I have finally broken my goal focused thinking during love making, but I know it is all a process and I could slip back into it at any time. I do feel though, that I am becoming more unconsciously competent in being in the moment during love making rather than hoping and imagining things going further. It is becoming less of a struggle and happening more naturally.
I must clarify what I mean by love making : For us love making is any physical contact which causes sexual arousal, so not necessarily intercourse. In fact we haven't had intercourse for over 73 days.Neither of us miss it because we are discovering a whole other world of closeness and sensation. We know how to do hot sex, we don't need to practice that, but the subtler, more gentle approach we are still learning, and I must say massively enjoying.
I

 

Motivation is an interesting thing. One model suggests there are three components to motivation. Firstly what ever it is you are trying to do has to fit with your core values and beliefs. So with P, do you truely believe that being P free will be good for you? In your heart do you know that in an ideal world you would have no desire to use P and would live a fulfilled life without it?Try writing down all the reasons you want to be P free and picking the really important ones. Make a story in your head about how , when you are P free, your life will be more like how you would like it to be.
Secondly, for motivation you need to know that you will be able to achieve what you are setting out to do. So with P have you managed to stop yourself using it when you have had urges? Has your life carried on without it ? If yes, then you can do it, and there are loads of success stories on this site which show it can be done.
Thirdly to get motivation to do something it has to be either interesting or satisfying. So this could be satisfying that you have met a personal goal, or changed a behaviour you were not happy about. In terms of interesting, changing my attitude towards sexual thinking has been an amazing journey of discovery. I have learned and am learning so much about myself and how my mind works. The insights I am gaining are going to and are helping me in all aspects of my life and I am finding the process massively interesting. It is like a big psychology experiment. I have learned about how the mind creates habits and how we can break them, I have learned about unconscious thought patterns and how they can influence my behaviour without me realising and I have learned how to be my own life coach, encouraging myself along the way, and picking myself up when I have a set back.

Yes, the process can bring up uncomfortable feelings but the research I have done indicates that these feelings will reduce as the habitual thinking and behaviours are overwritten by healthier habits and behaviours.

 

Weekend on my own. What am I going to do with myself?