Worried about failing (Warning: Triggers)

You may be putting too much pressure on yourself to perform. I have a difficult time with intercourse due to a physical condition that causes my muscles to cramp and spasm, so I've sort of come up with other strategies that end up working pretty well. I think many, if not most, women (and a lot of guys) enjoy being the focus of attention when being intimate. Maybe try to come up with a plan, a sequence of events, and if she seems to want to straight to intercourse, make it sort of a teasing/game sort of thing. Here's an example of a rough plan:

Spoiler: Possible Triggers

Start at the top:
Kissing, lips brushing against her neck, licking her earlobes (drives a lot of people crazy, but you'll also probably know quickly if she doesn't like it-- some people get aroused but are too tickish). Hold her face in your hands when you kiss her sometimes.. keep it slow and savor each touch. If she tries to speed things up, just pull back a little and do something silly.. playful wrestling, entertwining your fingers with hers while you tease or kiss (harder for her to grab anything this way).

Make your way down: (you dont necessarily need to take anything off to do this). Hands under her shirt a bit, fingertips brushing her sides lightly.. if she tries to speed things up, you can literally back off a bit, look her in the eye teasingly and tell her something like "uhh no.. this is about you right now, relax" and go back to starting at the top. Another way to slow things down is to try to maneuver a bit so she's lying on her stomach and you can focus your lips on the back of her neck, fingertips on the small of her back (unless you're super intuitive with massages, dont try this-- everyone likes something different with massages, so trying this out during foreplay is probably a bad idea.. if you exchange massages later in a nonsexual way, she will be more comfortable telling you what she likes & giving you feedback on what youre doing right or wrong.. after that you can be more comfortable with massage during foreplay).

Continuing down.. hands under the small of her back, you can lift her up just slightly and tease her with your lips and a little git of tongue brushing against the tops of her hips, along the top of her panty line, etc. At some point she may take her shirt off & you can go back up a bit and focus there. If you're trying to keep it slow and keep the pressure off of moving to intercourse you may not want to take her shirt off at all.. you dont need to cover all the bases the first time.. that'll add to the tease and give you something to explore next time.

Pretty soon, she'll be ready for you to slip her panties off and move to oral sex. best advice i can give here is that if she doesnt put her hands on your head, grip her hands as you lick her. She will grip your hands harder when you're doing something right or are in the right spot. If she grips your hands hard, stay in that spot.. not the time to go exploring If she ends up gripping something else like the sheets, and you dont have a lot of feedback, then use your hands under the small of her back to lift her a little bit towards you when you get more intense then release her a bit. If you do this a few times, you might find that after you release her, she'll feel more comfortable pressing against you harder when you're htting the spot.

This sounds weird, but I've never been with a woman where this didn't work really well: use your nose! If your tongue moves away from her clit and you're slipping it inside of her, your nose will be in the perfect spot to rub against her clit. Alternating between trying to keep up speed licking her clit will give you a nit of a break & you will be less likely to get tongue cramp . If you're licking though and getting increasingly intense feedback, this is NOT the time to switch things up - instead keep on it as fast and with as much intensity as you can -- like your life depends on it.

Guys often feel like rolling over and being done after an orgasm. Most girls don't -- and after bringing her to intense orgasm, she's probably going to be MUCH more likely to reciprocate with oral sex rather than moving to imtercourse. After all of that foreplay and bringing her to orgasm I'm guessing you wont have any problem keeping it up when youre in her mouth. If you do, then you can always test out masturbating for her. Dont get up and make a show of it.. just gently pull away a little bit and see if you can somehow get her to rest her head on your stomach while you do it. Girls who are really turned on by seeing a guy masturbate will give you some sort of positive feedback and may feel more comfortable touching themselves and bringing themselves to another orgasm. If you feel masurbating with a partner is violating your nofap goals, and you're having performance anxiety, then dont go there, but maybe give her a break from sucking you by kissing her.. And rubbing her clit while you do it. If she seems receptive to this, you may end up bringing her to orgasm again. if you use fingers for penetration, try to keep your thumb on her clit. Also google "come hither gspot"-- if you try this out and she likes it, you may really end up rocking her world.

If she tries to move to intercourse or back to sucking you, you can redirect back to her and tell her that today is all about her -- but dont tell her that from the get-go when you first start foreplay -- You've got go demonstrate first that you're good at making it all about her.

I've been with a surprising number of women who say they cant have an orgasm from oral sex or who have told me afterwards that they had never had an orgasm from oral sex.

Having a plan, or a at least a series of approaches that will make her the focus is really the only sure fire way I can think of to ease your worries about performance anxiety AND possibly make you a superhero in her mind. I've had several partners where intercourse wasn't a part of our love making for a while and a couple where it never came into play at all. Taking your time and focusing your attention on signals from her will ultimately get you more aroused too and will make you feel more comfortable when you do have intercourse.. or at the very least she will be enamored with your other skills and you can more comfortably laugh off or make a joke of it if you cant maintain an erection for her consistently ("Right now, I'm just so much more turned on when I'm focused on you"... or "intercourse sometimes makes me lose my rythym", or "do you have any toys I could borrow" -- and use those for penetration while you kiss her, touch her breasts or lick them.. etc..)

I hope this helps. I think if there are women reading this thread they can probably validate much of what I've said and add to the advice.

Lastly, its expensive and at least in the US, Viagara isn't covered by insurance, but if your doctor approves, that may be a good backup plan. You need to take it about an hour before. Its a little cheaper if you get 100mg pills & you can cut them in half, 50mg may do the trick just fine. If your doctor writes a prescription for a bottle of pills, you can tell your pharmacist thst you want to make sure it works for you & have them fill even just one pill. Don't go the no-prescription online pharmacy way -- it may take forever to get the pills & you cant be sure youre getting the real thing or same potency.

Good luck, have fun, be safe.

 

ohh and buy condoms and lube at an adult shop if you can.. ask them whats popular, for example.. that'll get things going and they'll probably be more than happy to give you advice. I used too small condoms for a long time & they just werent the most comfortable brand either. I'm not huge (about 7 inches), but Magnums are best for me and feel a lot more like condom free intercourse to me than some other brands I've tried.

Try not to be nervous, these people work there every day.. even if you're a little uncomfortable, they won't be and they'll quickly put you at ease. If you havent shared recent STD tests (you should!), be sure to pick up a pack of dental dams.. they're thin and easy to use and wont really affect her pleasure much during oral sex.

 

Worrying (anxiety is this biggest boner killer). The best possible mentality is to just say fuck it. What happens, happens.

Easier said than done, but with practice can be perfected.

 

What I do if I have sex before I'm "ready" is

1) make sure she is REALLY wet. (musch easier to get it in if not fully erect)
2) try to think of it as just practice, NO big deal at all.
3) For some reason these help me be a bit harder even though I'm not fully rebooted:
http://amzn.to/2vsquz5

 

My advice,
Stay away from colored condoms.(unless you have asked her)
Some girls have allergies to the dye... And if a girl has a reaction after you leave... She won't call you, just gripe to her girlfriend.
If you buy condoms from a sex shop and not from a drug store, be careful what you pick.... Just FYI.
Good luck!

 

I think she had a really good time with you. Try to focus on that instead of how hard you were.....

I'd say good job!

 

this is a good conversation for me to take part in. I have ED on and off in relationships and can attest to how hard it is (well, not hard)

Newman42 - here is my advice to you

I would go to your doctor and ask for samples of ED medication. Tell your doctor you ARE in a relationship and ask for samples of Clalis daily 5 mg or 2.5 mg (maybe get a bit of both)

It's basically just a 5 mg Clalis and I have over the years found this to be the best drug. You'll get a couple as a sample. I think it's the best price to because if he gives you a subscription you'll get 30 of them (a month's worth). I never took them daily, just when I was going to have sex. After a while if your erections are coming without it you can always just not take them as well

hope that might help!

 

A "friend" of mine is messaging me to meet tomorrow night. And I know this will lead to sex. I have not masturbated or orgasmed in 28 days now and initially I was doing it as a self control thing. Then I read the gains that people mentioned here while abstaining from PMO which convinced me more into sticking to abstinence. I have had strong urges every day since I started abstaining and now I am extremely tempted to say yes to the meet up tomorrow. I am single and I normally have sex about once every one or two months. Knowing what might happen tomorrow I am trying to convince myself that I'm doing only an abstinence from masturbation and that sex is ok. I have had experience with PIED before and I am also curious to see if I still have it or if 28 days without evacuation will have helped. Is it me or my urges talking here?

 

It seems like a lot of faffing about to me.