Worst binge in the history of nofap and binging, can't seem to get out of it.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by irock, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. irock

    irock Fapstronaut

    I've been consistently using porn since new year's , I can't seem to get enough of it. No matter how much I try to quit, it just keep on growing up on me. Can't do anything and now I'm feeling kinda like powerless. I've been to a great streak of about 55 days in december, once I broke it all hell broke lose. I don't know how many endless one week streaks I've done since then, but I'm not able to make any kind of progress since then. Most of the time, after like a week or ten days I start getting terrible urges and I can't get past them. It happens in night when I'm ready to sleep and urges seems like physical. It literally makes my stomach sick to the point that I feel pain in my body. My hands would start shaking, I would start trembling i can't even focus on a single thing for more than a second. I would be trembling and it just seems that I always give in to that urge, an urge so strong it wouldn't fade for hours. And forget sleeping, whenever I try to sleep my stomach would hurt as if someone kicked me in the balls(kinda feels like that but very less intense than that). I just relapsed today at 4 am(on day 9 ) because after continuously fighting urges, I just can't seem to get over it. I tried really hard to wander off my mind from porn, but it just gets so messy. I just wanted to get it out of my chest, what I'm feeling right now. Any advice, motivation and tips would be appreciated although I've tried everything and seem like the only thing I can now do in order to make progress is to Face the Urges, that's that. That's the only thing that may work for me, even after having a busy day, urges comes at night. Nothing can stop them and only with fighting these urges till I die mindset it's gonna be possible. But anything you guys will tell, I will appreciate. Keep fighting fapstronauts
    PMO addict likes this.
  2. boz

    boz Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear about your severe withdrawals my friend.

    55 days is a tremendous streak, grats to that. That should encourage you. If you can make that length, you must be do something right?

    Do you MO to fantasy or full PMO?

    If PMO then look at why you still have access to it?

    Porn addiction is an utter bastard, no getting away with that.

    I've got 30 years of it to fight with:confused:
    irock and PMO addict like this.
  3. outwithold

    outwithold Fapstronaut

    Im learning conquering the thoughts,behaviours and habits is easier said then done.. but I guess really I knew that anyway... hence why I hadnt committed to it previously.. but at this time Im committing to recovery.

    Only way I can see for me to keep at this is at times by just accepting the urges and cravings will come and if I train my mind they will also go...

    Im learn about my triggers for wanting to carry on with the cycle and Im trying to work on that..
    For you maybe its stress.. maybe its a bad relationship.. maybe your lonely.. scared or something etc etc - only you will know...

    Im working on trying not to focus into my thoughts of easy relief...

    I can only suggest to find ways that work for you personally..
    maybe get up from your bed..
    dont over stimulate your brain before bed etc..
    go for a walk if its feeling impossible to lay there with the thoughts, it really doesnt matter on what time it is etc..go for a walk around the block and remind yourself of the reasons you no longer want to be a slave to this..and that your taking physical action to deal with this... maybe a week of solo camping without technology might force you along?
    what works for me may well be different than what works for you..

    I think ive had to accept or work on accepting that this all doesnt just go away overnight or after 10 days...I will need to continue working on this..for the foreseeable future.. thats the actual reality for me!
    very similar to if we want to run a half marathon and can only run 10k at the moment..

    Also Im aware that I would be taking the easy route by giving into this.. and that what Ill end up doing.. is perverse and shady basically and Im truly not those things.. so im trying to be true to myself!

    I wish you well brother.
    WreckTangle, buffalo69 and PMO addict like this.
  4. PMO addict

    PMO addict Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing irock. I can relate a lot. I have been in that boat, many many times. Usually if I pick back up, it takes me anywhere from a few days to a few weeks of multiple times daily use to bottom out again. Once I fully run out of energy, and am shooting blanks, and feel really physically sick, its easy to get a few clean days (like I have now).

    Once I start feeling better, my sperm tank is full again etc, I feel ready to go on another run. I get RLS, Insomnia, IBS, hyper tension, and I start thinking PMO is the cure. So I PMO again. And then I need to wait to bottom out to stop again.

    I hold the stop phase as long as I can until my will breaks and I am active on PMO again.

    All I can get is today. Keeping it in the day. In the hour. Etc. Am I relapsing now? Am I relapsing this hour? No. So... That's all I got.
    WreckTangle and Dagger323 like this.
  5. Sideshow606

    Sideshow606 Fapstronaut

    Wow brother 55 days is a dream. ..i cant go more than 6 days without a relapse been trying since August. .longest streak was 18 days all other 4 .5. Maybe 6 days ...This is Hell ..my girl just Dumped me ...FUDGE..wow what wouldnt i do for a clean 30 day streak ....
    Stay strong brother there is light at the end of the tunnel ...
    Trust in God
    PMO addict likes this.
  6. PMO addict

    PMO addict Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear about your GF. I'm sure you're a good person. lots of people who struggle with PMO addiction are really good people. Just with an illness and in need of recovery. (Me 2!)

    I'm sure you will continue to recover from addiction. One day she may see the change in you. Or you might meet someone new. There are always more chances ahead. And it gets better over the course of time.
  7. The crippling urges! It immobilized me, making me unable to move forward to get anything done, the mental suffocation, the death-row like anxiety...all these things from PM cold turkey! It took me two weeks of reasoning to find more peace now. I was borderline relapse so many times during this 15 day period. First of all, I declared to myself that relapse is not an option. Now I was in for it! One hellish day passed after another until I was so angry with the suffering that I cried, "Enough of this shit! What's the solution here?" Out came the revelation - 'Only two things can replace the thrill of PMO: A loving relationship with someone and enlightenment. Anything else, forget it!' That settled me down. It allowed me to go through my day better knowing that even though I may never have the thrill of PMO again but content that greater things are waiting for me down the road. And then another insight crossed my mind - 'PMO is pretending sex. It's a shadow of the real thing. My hand that wraps around my penis during fapping is not a vagina. The model on the TV/computer screen is a mere image. She's not here.' That was still another powerful blow against the urges! I can almost say that it is possible to go through the rest of my life now without PM with this third revelation: 'Not another second of my time, no use of my energy, and not even another penny will go toward pretending sex'. And if I have sexual fantasies, I enjoy them with calm detachment. The mind is just energy. Don't block it, let it flow. Not reacting to it with fapping and porn is the victory! Eventually, with enough yoga and meditation, the psychological battle with all the memories of PMO pleasure will be resolved in time because the nature of the mind itself (thought patterns, inclinations, tendencies) will change.
  8. outwithold

    outwithold Fapstronaut

    Brilliant post brother!

    The act of PMO is firmly located in the 'fantasy lets pretend realm' its simply not real, theres no connection,its not fulfilling and it feeds on every part of our self destructive addictive nature!
    It seems if theres stuff we dont like in our lives and stuff we dont want to deal with or we feel resentment or feel like theres stuff missing from our lives we head straight to that fantasy realm so we can basically bury our head in the sand!
    As we know in truth its not a wise move... and eventually we are left wondering around in this real life/sex fantasy world unable to move forward, we are no longer bashing away at our penis only we are also bashing our heads against the wall.

    But like the post above explains much better than I could.. we've been there, we've done that and now we have to deal with trying to stop, everyone will have a slightly different way of doing that.. but filling the void of the behaviour and learning to be mindful is massive from what I can tell... its never going to be easy to pull away from the fantasy realm..its the junk food of the mind.. but it is possible, we just have to learn what works for ourselves.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. Racem

    Racem Fapstronaut

    Don't give up Brother, i feel you, i was on a 98 day streak in late december and i relapsed! i'm binging since then!! but i kept trying and my latest streak was 23 days, That's what matters, always try and never quit, sure you are constantly fapping but as long as you fight the urge every time it will get easier and easier
  10. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    Everyone is totally sympathetic here, we've all got your back, - but that's not really going to help you beat this right now.
    It's like anything else.
    You can't keep going through the same motions, and expect different results.
    I think two things that cause so many people to relapse is comfort and familiarity.
    Beating this is difficult, but it doesn't have to be hell.

    - Stay off the internet. As much as possible.
    - Get out of your routine. Mix things up.
    - Walk or jog once a day for 15 minutes, or go swimming.
    - Read 15 pages of a book first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
    - Get a brain training app for your phone / iPad etc.
    Anything to focus your mind on something different.
    - Write a cathartic, detailed journal of your thoughts.
    Really put yourself into it.
    - Learn something new, or practice something you used to do.
    - Be present with your thoughts.
    Deal with today before you worry about tomorrow - or next week or next year.
  11. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    The more you learn about yourself, the easier it becomes to change.
  12. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

    I relapsed at 60 days once I binged on 6 ejaculations daily for the next month. And I'm on and off for the next 1 yr. Now I'm on 28 days plus. Pmo addiction is terrible I slipped to watching porn whilst browsing dating sites. I've made a descision not to deal with women for one year while I get my mind right. I'm scared ill relapse if I have sex in the 1st place
  13. buffalo69

    buffalo69 New Fapstronaut

    When we view in history the famous people who changed the world. Mandella, ghandi,lincoln and so on; did one ever think, “geeze i wonder how many times he fapped?”
    Of course not. The pointed being - that in the end, it really doesnt matter. No one is going to remember our existence in the long term. In the short term, no one will remember this private habit. The goal here is to become a better human by resisting this urge by the shear force of will.
    If we slip, which we all have, this is when ones true charactor shines the brightest. When one gets up, dusts off, gets back on that horse and lives to fight another day.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. I feel for ya! As for me, starving the urges out of my system may take years! It's nice to think that the 'famous NoFap 3-month rebooting period' is going to be my savior, the magic pill, but I know better than that! Right now, work is a great distraction. I'm spending way less time on the internet. When urges arise, that's the signal to plunge into something right away: hit the shower, exercise, read a book, meditate, straighten the apartment, laundry, tackle the mail, visit friends, lay out in the sun, etc. Don't feel victimized by the urges! Give it the finger and crush it with purposeful activity!
    Gmork likes this.
  15. sherif1987

    sherif1987 Fapstronaut

    I feel ya. Withdrawal is a disaster. i just screwed up yesterday (was on a 22 day NoFap period). The key thing is to learn. Deal with your inner state but also you outer state. Install a filter on your devices. That's controlling your environment. 50% of the battle. The other 50% is dealing with your physical/emotiona/psychological state as it goes through withdrawal. When you go through intense withdrawal make sure your environment is clear of the ability to do the bad habit. But also try replacing a bad habit with a good habit. Go for a walk when you can't sleep. Read a book. Cold shower. Go for a drive. Something.
  16. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    Love this, and it reflects my own feelings about recovery.
    It's going to take as long as it takes.
    Great post.
  17. irock

    irock Fapstronaut

    Hey, thanks for the reply. Those urges were really strong, it's less of withdrawls but more of very strong urges. I hope if I get past them then I can easily manage to continue my journey as it had happened in the past when I'm able to resist very hard urges I'm able to continue then and nofap seems like a breeze. Hope you are doing well
  18. You know, just because I wish not to jerk off anymore, what's the point of going through this daily routine of fighting urges and torturous withdrawal symptoms? Guys are relapsing left and right after 30, 40, 60 days of no PM. I feel for you all, but I understand what's going on! Do you think I want to shed tears every day for years? I've got things to do! I want to be happy! Relapsing is like a tank or bottle filled with too much pressure that finally ruptures. You got to have an 'escape valve plan' set up, fellas, without compromising your goal of never masturbating again! I had a revelation this morning. The threat of relapsing can occur for me when I'm fixated on a particular erotic image of one of my favorite models and I'm trying to have a 100% memory recall of that image in my mind's eye, which is impossible. And being nagged about it day after day can be torturous. So I decided that after I complete my 90 days of no PM, that afterward, I will have the option of once or twice a month to go to that image, fulfill the desire of seeing that image, but this time not only am I'm not fapping to it, but it's going to represent all the erotica I've ever seen, and I'm going to perceive her as a divine soul clothed with a beautiful body! The session will be completely spiritualized! Now here's the thing: Because I can do it when it's time, it doesn't mean I have to do it if I don't feel like it! I have a pressure valve now! As I type this, the fixation is destroyed! And if I do it, will I count that as a porn relapse? Hell no! No fapping, no porn binge, just a particular image for proper reconciliation, period! Otherwise, I'll have to set my day-counter back to zero. Fellas, don't fear that possible relapse down the road. Set up that 'escape valve plan' now! (I realize that my plan may be dangerous but if I desire never to fap again then FINALLY I can use some erotica to my advantage, that is if I ever feel the need to do it.)

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