Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by anje, Dec 20, 2017.

  1. anje

    anje Fapstronaut

    After a series of very big fights (yes I am partly to blame for them) with my wife who is ending our relationship as she says she no longer loves me, I am left with a dangerous sense of worthlessness. I have been called lots of things by her because of my actions in the past and they are being heaped on top of one another leaving me feeling utterly low and like I mean nothing to her or anyone else. She says I cant do it and that she feels sorry for anyone I might meet in future, that I am a loser and that nobody could want to spend time with me, I know that she is angry but I have always soaking these things up and I struggle to understand my own feelings at times let alone someone elses. How can someone who said they loved me and wanted to help me change so much so fast? My reason for posting is that it is so triggering that I am really struggling today to stay free from PMO. It is a sense of 'no one cares about you', 'you are nothing to them but a loser and a joke anyway', 'make yourself feel better, somehow, anyhow'. But I know that it won't so I am hoping someone can just tell me to be strong and that opinions of others are just that even if you still love that person more deeply than anyone else in the world. When does it get better.
  2. Your wife is saying these things because she is so hurt. She has a broken heart because of your choices and is lashing out. You made mistakes, but we all do. You are not defined by your mistakes. Make a list right now if 10 things you are grateful for and a list of 3 of your best qualities.
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  3. Step-One

    Step-One Fapstronaut

    I can relate to this. It's how I felt yesterday before almost relapsing. I'd PMO because it was the only thing that made me feel . . . something. You can't do this for someone else. You have to care about yourself!

    Your wife sounds hurt. I'm sure she doesn't mean all of those things. It can be hard, but just let her go. Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't. Just focus on yourself for now.
    anje likes this.
  4. EyesToSeeEarsToHear

    EyesToSeeEarsToHear Fapstronaut


    Your wife will never be able to understand your pain.

    Most women have vastly lower sex drives than men even though they do enjoy sex just as much when men they want offer it.

    Testosterone is what makes men put up with way more unnecessary pain to get sex than women ever would. She will never understand and that's really not her fault.

    Let her go if she wants to go and wish her well.

    If she won't see that your pain is something she can't understand it will always anger her to the point that she'll only hurt you more instead of helping you stop.

    And there are women out there who'd help you stop. There are some real saints out there.

    I don't think you two should even try being friends let alone lovers. Not until things change completely.
    anje likes this.
  5. anje

    anje Fapstronaut

    Thank you for replies. I do accept responsibility for the things I have done but I need to stop beating myself up for it. Ultimately it is her decision to leave me. I will do this for me and make a success of my life.
    EyesToSeeEarsToHear likes this.
  6. IwillRestore

    IwillRestore Fapstronaut

    First off, no one has the right to say things like that to someone else. I'm really sorry you have to deal with that, and that you have to go through this hard time. I think it is natural to feel bad when a relationship ends, but I recommend being kind to yourself if possible. If anything she is the one who is ruining the relationship, name calling is an easy way to mess up a relationship. Regardless of who is at fault she is the one who is slighting you, and being patronizing. I think you should learn to dispute what she said, and work on this issue with someone. I'm not an expert at reframing (Part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy- the act of disputing, and putting things in context.), but I know a few tricks. One, start with the line that's not true because, and used facts to dispute untrue things. Examples That's not true because I am liked by many people at my job, that's not true because I am always spending time with other people who smile at me.

    Second, divorce isn't any easy thing to go through. You might not feel as good for a while, and it might be too early for a silver lining, but you will still have to go through your routine everyday, and do things with other people. Yes, it may be hard at times, but you will still have a life, and people who care about you. It also depends on the relationship. As hard as this sounds, I think its not a bad idea for you to try and forgive her, forgive yourself, and start some new hobbies that give your life more meaning.

    Third, practice self-compassion. It's a powerful thing to be willing to say you tried your not at fault, and you tried your hardest. Basically, being willing to give yourself a hug, and being genuine to yourself with your thoughts. I hope this helps, and I really hope you work on feeling better!
    anje likes this.

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