Would a good Christian girl give a guy that used to watch porn a chance?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by zxcv, Feb 5, 2017.

  1. zxcv

    zxcv Fapstronaut

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  2. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Because jesus forgives...or something.
     
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  3. The question wasn't about Jesus though:D
    It depends on the girl
     
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  4. Of course. But better yet. Why would she need to know.

    Keep the past in the past.
     
  5. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Some things are better off left alone.

    The whole "whole disclosure" is a very hollywood kind of thing that only works in TV and movies. A big dynamic in real relationships is respect, and even though a person may say they'll respect you it doesn't change how their inner-self will perceive you. You gotta be strong before you can show them your weaknesses.

    I know that may not be what people would see as an ideal, but that is what tends to actually work.

    That said, some women are different than others. There are even Christian Women out there who have struggled with P-addiction. They may find it a relief to know that someone else has struggled too.
     
  6. I Free I

    I Free I Guest

    I would say yes... Nobody is perfect in this world, we are all flawed in some ways. The point is to keep growing out of your flaws, to help each other to achieve so. If their not willing to grow, than so be it... that is up to you but if they genuinely try to progress, especially if they are doing better for themselves at this moment in time, why not ? Just a thought.
     
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  7. DonDraper

    DonDraper Fapstronaut

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    Would a good Christian girl give a guy that used to watch porn a chance?
    good christian
    good christian
    good christian
    good christian
    good christ
    good christ
    jesus christ

    @Deadlihood
     
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  8. Dead :p
     
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  9. Reuby

    Reuby Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Yes, I surely hope so :p It would be narrow minded and probably actually stupid for a girl to turn her back on me the minute I tell her about my former addiction. I mean, even I, my worst critic know that I am a decent guy. If somebody won't give me a chance because I used to watch porn, that is her problem, and it will also be her problem finding a guy who hasn't been hooked on porn at least once in his life. I don't mean to be negative, but the statistics are the statistics.

    I'm not saying christian women should tolerate porn use. They shouldn't. But they should love a guy who has or even is struggling because their porn use isn't who they are.
    You don't say sherlock :p

    Interesting. I always thought that a 'whole disclosure' was a necessary conversation for a serious couple.
     
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  10. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    In reply I would ask you, "where did you get that idea from?"

    There's all kinds of things we believe today that are not grounded in anything evidence based, religiously or secularly. I remember an elder of a church emphatically telling a young man that he had to spend 3 months of his wage on an engagement (or wedding) ring, and that otherwise he should not marry! So, I asked, where does this come from? According to some reputable sources: DeBeers Advertisement Propaganda (see here, BBC News)

    It's a common thing in society, that we trust the things we see and hear often. It's how advertising works. We see the relational paradigms on TV so often that we begin to fail to question just how good or true they are. Full disclosure is a myth. If you think about it, how can you tell someone everything anyways? Where does the line begin and end for full disclosure? Do you tell them what your heart rate was through every moment?

    I know that is hyperbole, but even if you take it down a step it still doesn't make sense. How can we really know if we've successfully transmitted all the important and pertinent information? What of the things we forget? It may not be important to us, but may be important to the other. Is it a breech of full disclosure if I cannot remember the thing that is important to the other person?

    It just doesn't work, not even on the superficial level like I described above.

    Getting deeper into the issue is the way we behave subconsciously. Oh yeah, someone may say they'll respect you, but that is on a conscious level. They may really intend to. They may really want to. But the reality is that deeply ingrained in every individual are things that will trouble them on a level which is beyond their capability to consciously control. It may be something which flies against the framework of their conscious rationality. They may want to accept it, but are unable to at a heart level.

    What I'm saying is to approach those subjects with caution. Particularly if the person has been a subject of sexual abuse, they may carry scars in their inner-self which prevent them from fully behaving in accordance with the ideals they value and want to live by. Every person has a limit on the things they can truly accept. It's a human weakness... and full-disclosure, while good-sounding, is apt to cross those boundaries.

    I'm not saying don't cross those boundaries, but take care when you do. Early in a relationship, the trust and respect just won't be strong enough to carry it if you make an error. Build up the relationship first so that you can cross that bridge safely when it is time to do so.
     
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  11. Reuby

    Reuby Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Hmmm, nice. I agree that trust must be built up first. A wise mindset to have in a relationship is to only take small emotional risks at a time, building trust gradually, thus minimising the chances of heartbreak. I suppose that also, being completely open about the present is the most important part about full disclosure. In a relationship (and everything else), the present is the only time you can influence, so being honest about it would help.

    I like what you said about subconscious acceptance. But still, I just feel like I would always feel guilty about certain things I've done if they weren't out in the open.
     
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  12. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    And thus, the paradigm of acceptance. Have you ever asked where that feeling of guilt comes from? :)

    The need to have others know us and accept us is a powerful one. How we each approach this is a huge part of our psychological make-up and a driving force behind many actions and at times the entire way of a life. A person may be skilled at humour, and finds that people like their humour, and so become a comedian. This way seems natural, but under close examination, it could all be the result of the need for acceptance.

    The comedian finds it in the crowd..
    The misfit finds it in rebellion..
    The CEO finds it in success..

    It is difficult to judge good & bad or right & wrong, but I have to ponder.. is it really best to have this kind of need being the motivating factor for me? Doesn't it make me predictable, controllable? Would I be stronger if I didn't have this need? What if I found another means of fulfilling the thing it comes from, the thing that spawns the need?

    Just giving you some questions for thought. Everyone is going to find a different way in this regard. The way that worked for me doesn't work for many, you gotta find your own answer on this one.. an answer that is just for you.
     
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  13. zxcv

    zxcv Fapstronaut

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    I'm just looking for a girl that accept me for who I am. Would it really be that bad to tell a girl?
     
  14. IGY

    IGY Guest

    It is interesting to hear different views on this question.

    I guess I would have to pause and ask myself what would qualify or disqualify someone being "a good Christian girl". She could not be perfect, that is for sure. Would a good Christian girl have been a former porn addict herself? Hmm, this is possible. If we assume that she had been "good" and avoided the sin of masturbating to porn, she may well have been up to other dubious behaviours. I think it would be easy to perceive someone as "good" without any idea of their secret sins.

    These same considerations would apply equally to the boy in question. Is he "a good Christian boy"? He could not be perfect of course, who could be? For the sake of this discussion, this guy has had a previous addiction to pornography. In my personal opinion, he should honestly divulge his wayward course. I cannot see how a couple wanting to spend their life together would withhold pertinent information from each others. That doesn't seem a good foundation for a happy union.
     
  15. zxcv

    zxcv Fapstronaut

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    That's pretty much my mindset.
     
  16. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, I disagree with most of what people are saying in this post. I would never, ever, settle for a relationship with someone that I couldn't tell 100% of everything to. But, that is just me. If you want the same thing, I'd say don't listen to them. It's perfectly possible to find a girl who will accept you for who you are, 'warts and all', past and present.

    If anything, the right woman for you would actually feel touched that you trusted her enough to share such information with her. She may feel impressed by your dedication to overcome such a challenging addiction (that many men struggle with). She may think it also shows what your true values are; you've already experienced the pleasure of PMO, gone real deep into it, and yet you've chosen to leave it behind.

    It's perfectly possible to find someone who would accept your past. I bet that if you keep being the kind of man you really want to become, the right woman will come along who will accept you for who you are.

    If it's possible that a guy can change from PMO addict to being clean, isn't it possible there would be a good Christian girl who can accept a man with a past porn addiction? There are no limitations to what kind of people are out there.

    Hope this helps in some way...
     
  17. SupBruh

    SupBruh Fapstronaut

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    Sure. You can go ahead and tell the girl you are a virgin, you have anxiety issues, you don't have many friends, you feel really lonely and life just fucking sucks.

    Nobody will blame her if she walks away almost immediately.
     
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  18. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    I already liked your post, but yeah, I just wanted to express verbally that you totally nailed it. You don't have to know everything about your partner, but you should at least be able to tell them what's going on in your head without being afraid they might run away. Our past or present addictions are obviously a part of our lives, otherwise we wouldn't visit porn nor this site.

    That's not "who he is", it's just "who he thinks he is" in his darkest hours - his opinions about himself. Of course a girl you like should make you feel good in the first place, and when you feel good, you don't worry about being a virgin and so on, at least not during the moment you talk to her, so you talk about different stuff. (Avoid unnecessary texting at all cost, unless you are able to return to the present moment yourself!) You can open up when you feel ready for it. Being able to show weakness is a strength.
     
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  19. Reuby

    Reuby Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Please stay on topic - this thread is not a party :rolleyes:
     
  20. RebeccaNola

    RebeccaNola Fapstronaut

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    Actually, yes, you can tell her all that stuff. Why is everyone in this thread assuming that the woman in question is 100% perfect and has no issues of her own? Nobody is perfect. Furthermore, if someone has struggled with a porn addiction, they probably want a partner who can understand what they've gone through. That doesn't have to mean a woman who was a porn addict, but a woman who has struggled with something of her own. Maybe she was a drug or alcohol addict, struggled with depression, has lost someone close to her, had financial difficulties, etc. Why would you want someone that you would always be afraid is secretly judging you? Or if you chose not to tell her, why would you want to be with someone where you always have to be afraid she's going to find out about your past?

    I'm not a porn addict, I stumbled across this forum doing research for a project. But I am a former drug addict (I'm a female). I always prefer to date men who have been addicts themselves. Anyone else can never understand me! It's not their fault, they just don't get how hellish and difficult it is. I'm already in a LTR with another former addict, a wonderful guy who has also struggled with serious depression (even stayed in a mental institution for a few months), was married and divorced already, has severe anxiety and sometimes randomly starts crying, etc. I love him so much more for having those issues! I would NEVER want to be with "Mr. Perfect", the guy who has gone through life with zero problems, went to a perfect school, started a great career right away, always works out, never does anything wrong. Ugh! That guy sounds super boring, for one thing. And he would never be able to understand the first thing about me.

    A LOT OF PEOPLE have gone through SOME pain/trauma or serious problems. Let those "perfect people" date and marry each other. Plenty of women would be totally fine learning about your loneliness, lack of friends, anxiety, etc. You just need to find a woman who has her own problems, she will understand perfectly. And guess what, she will be a lot more interesting, funny, and more accepting than Ms. Perfect. Perfection is boring! Stop thinking that women don't have their own problems.
     

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