Would a good Christian girl give a guy that used to watch porn a chance?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by zxcv, Feb 5, 2017.

  1. SupBruh

    SupBruh Fapstronaut

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    Nobody is assuming this.

    What we are assuming is that if OP manages to score a date, he's going to lay out his sob story on her. Which will promptly end any romantic feelings she might have had for him, because, well, he's a stranger to her and it's also weird hearing a grown man talk about his rather teenage struggles.
     
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  2. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Simply not true....:
    As you can see, we are actually in agreement on some of these things.

    I could say more, but I'd like for people to try to understand the position I gave first. So far all the rebuttal has been based on misunderstanding, and while I'd like to clear things up, it seems like the matter is emotionally charged and that my words just may incite further arguments instead of reasoning.
     
  3. RebeccaNola

    RebeccaNola Fapstronaut

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    That's not true. I don't think being a porn addict is any worse than a drug addict, which is what I am. I've had tons of boyfriends and dates, and men regularly hit on me, including men who know what my past is. I've also dated men who had past issues, including one guy who was a sex addict. If I was on a date with someone and they told me they were a porn addict, I wouldn't freak out. I think only the "perfect" woman would freak out and walk out the door. Even then, she might be open minded and stick around. But most people have experienced some hardship in life. More people than you think have struggled with an addiction of some sort. You probably don't want to mention it on the first date, but you could bring it up after she knows you better.

    But really the best way to meet a woman isn't going on a date when you don't know each other, but meeting through an activity, work, or school. I've had about 20 boyfriends and not a single one started with him "asking me out" when we didn't know each other. None of them started with a date at a restaurant and telling each other the basics about each other. By the time we had a crush on each other we had already known each other for a while and already knew about each other's pasts. Unless you're meeting someone off the internet, you're probably going to end up in a relationship with someone you met through friends, work, or hobbies. She will be more likely to accept your past if she already knows you are a good person and knows she likes you.
     
  4. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Actually, what @SupBrah says is true.
    Also, what you say is true.
    We're all talking about different contexts, none of which @zxcv actually presented to us.
    This disagreement is about what imagined context is the true context. But we don't know the true context.
    So, until we actually know the context, the things said so far are all true and good points according to each of the contexts we imagine for this discussion.
    Thus, disagreement about which context is true is an invalid argument.

    And this much, as far as I've seen, we're all in agreement with.

    I'll say again:
     
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  5. Rigel7

    Rigel7 Fapstronaut

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    I'm just going to jump in and tell my experience. My girlfriend is a Christian and knows about my struggle with P and yet, she is giving me a chance. I didn't set out to disclose my P addiction to her - the circumstances just happened to be such that she knew about my struggle at the very start of our relationship.

    This doesn't mean she's okay and accepting that I have an addiction though - we have had frank conversations where we both agreed that my P addiction is something that we don't want in our relationship if we ever get married in the future and she has also told me the struggle she feels when she thinks about what happens if I relapse badly. But I think she sees the potential in our relationship because she's still dating me, so we're taking things patiently so that I have time to find victory in the battle with my addiction. I doubt my girlfriend would continue to date me if I were not making active steps in breaking my P addiction (e.g. going to counselling, having accountability partners).

    Christian or non-Christian though, I think many reasonable women would respond similarly. P is a blight on relationships regardless of faith. So to answer the original question - yeah, it's possible a good Christian girl would date a P-addict. But she needs to be able to protect herself first, so it is also very reasonable for her to consider not to.
     
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  6. Aiyoshi

    Aiyoshi Fapstronaut

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  7. m_brando

    m_brando Guest

    Not this movie haha <<< Take that one to the grave/ (The movie is a comedy called Sleeping Dogs Lie)

    http://blog.losingcontrolfindingser...ell-your-loved-one-about-your-past-addiction/

    I'm of the Sam Harris school of never lie, ever. (see book Lying) If it's pertinent to the relationship, you don't get to decide what to protect her from- it's called 'benevolent authority' and is tantamount to getting her to love you under false pretenses. It's porn- it's ubiquitous. Wouldn't you like to be able to talk about a very common struggle with someone you want to accept you?
     
  8. Fap_Doc

    Fap_Doc Guest

    Isn't this forbidden in true Christianity?? or can you be a "good" christian and also indulge in sins? If so, why call yourself a good christian?
     
  9. Sam Hell

    Sam Hell Fapstronaut

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    I'm not a Christian but isn't "true Christianity" based on forgiveness of our sins because God sent his only Son to die for us, so we could have forgiveness? If that's the case, then isn't "true Christianity" all about forgiving us our faults, as long as we can accept that Jesus died for them?

    In any case, I don't think you start off with someone by saying, "Hey, I'm a porn addict." Or whatever it is you think you may be. I mean, I wouldn't go on a first date and say something like, "One time I spent a weekend in jail" as an ice breaker. But if I thought I was going to get serious with someone - i.e. I was thinking this could be someone I want to spend my life with - then yeah, I would probably tell them. At that point, when all the game crap is over and you are really connecting to them and are considering serious commitment, I think approaching that place with absolute honesty is really the only way you can actually "grow old with someone."

    I'm basing that off of personal experience, of course. I had the high school sweet heart that I dated for 5 years. That "one true love" experience. That was an honest one. It was a good experience. Then I had a couple of "they might be the one" experiences - say a year or so relationships - and we broke it off before I got that feeling that I better come clean and lay it all on the table, and see if she is really the one.

    Then I got really into porn. And I met another woman who I spent 14 years with, and hid the whole porn thing from her, which led to me feeling more or less comfortable hiding other things (money issues) from her, and because I never put it out there (I didn't even really know I should at the time) that I had a couple of issues - because I wasn't honest - I either a) ruined what could have been a good relationship, or b) failed to get out of it when I should have because I didn't make sure she could handle my shit.

    TL;DR: You don't need to go telling any girl you are interested in that you are a porn addict. But if you end up dating one, and want to make a serious commitment to them, IMHO you better lay it on the table and let her have the opportunity to go all in knowing everything about you.
     
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  10. SheMonk

    SheMonk Fapstronaut

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    I'm not Christian, but I can't see why not? Again, it depends on the person, but to me what matters is what people do today. Not what they did yesterday. Meaning, I have 100% faith that people can change their (destructive) behaviors and lead better lives. I've seen it happen.

    When it comes to telling people about your (previous) addiction, I would personally rather know than being left in the dark. But you don't have to share anything you're not comfortable with, but on the other hand, if it played a huge part in your life, I don't see the point in hiding it. Also, one would assume a future partner would be one who would accept you AND your bagage AND your willingness and effort to improve every day. I really don't get why people would deliberately want to hide something from a person who is supposed to be their partner. Seems pointless to me.
     
  11. Nailed it :)
     
  12. TetsuoAkira

    TetsuoAkira Fapstronaut

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    Revealing a weakness to a new person in your life is the wrong way to begin a relationship, IMO.
     
  13. m_brando

    m_brando Guest

    Bull and shit, my friend!!! If someone I was into told me that in a conversational tone, hey I used to have a porn problem, I'd say word, not anymore, right? and he'd say nope! I'd think he was even more rad for saying so.

    Think about it- IF HE DOESN"T SAY HE'S AN EX PORN ADDICT, IT MEANS HE MIGHT BE A CURRENT CLOSET PORN ADDICT. and I'd waaaay prefer the ex reformed to the current closet.

    If she trips over who you are, you don't want her because *BOOM* she doesn't want YOU.

    The vulnerability part is being able to be honest. A weakness would be saying you can't stay away from porn. A strength is saying you CAN stay away.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2017
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  14. Reuby

    Reuby Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Nailed it.
     
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  15. TetsuoAkira

    TetsuoAkira Fapstronaut

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    There is a time and a place for being open about past struggles, and the beginning of getting to know someone is not ideal to talk about porn in a serious manner.

    You are framing someone in a hypothetical situation pretending to be them when judging porn addicts...

    Why would the person automatically think you might be a closet addict because you don't mention it?....that is not how the world works, and a far from rationale statement. You cannot understand, ever, how another person thinks. You are better off playing it safe, as sex is a weird thing to talk about.

    You don't need to SAY that you have quit Porn, just think it, and implement the change into your life.

    What I'm saying is....you don't need to share all the personal details inside your head with everyone in your life.
    No one will have sympathy for you, and it's more likely to blow up in your face. It's your problem, not theirs. Most people in your life do not possess the empathy to understand, or care to, so if you are expecting a new romantic interest to hold your hand and comfort you, I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous.

    All you have to do is man up and shut up.
     
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  16. TetsuoAkira

    TetsuoAkira Fapstronaut

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    BINGO.

    No one cares about the internal struggles of a person they've give a few hours of their time to.

    It's also silly to assume that the person has any romantic feelings prior to a first date.

    You would be friendzoning yourself, for one.

    They are NOT obligated to listen to that...it would practically be torture.

    Have you ever met someone for the first time, and had them share some MAD PERSONAL story, and you've sat back and thought, you'd rather run then be sucked into someone else's drama like that?

    It's not cool.

    It's like a horrible movie where the audience has been forced to watch it to the end, but can't leave the cinema.
     
  17. Aiyoshi

    Aiyoshi Fapstronaut

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    Good luck when this girl finds about your addiction and relapses on her own and starts to feel betrayed and untrustworthy.
     
  18. Rigel7

    Rigel7 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you to some extent but mostly disagree with you as a whole. It is true that the first few dates may not be the best time to talk about porn addiction, however, at some point before you start becoming serious and committed with your prospective partner, she does have some right to know what she is getting into.

    I'm sorry for whatever experiences you have had that make you believe that no one is going to have sympathy for you because, as this forum so clearly demonstrates, that is not true! Vulnerability is not a bad thing to have with a partner so I'm not sure why you really make it out to be that bad.
     
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  19. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I don't get to decide what I'll do with my own actions? o_O That's odd, last I checked I had my right to decide things for myself right here in my pocket! Yep, there it is. :)

    Want of acceptance? Want of someone to accept me? o_O What is this thing you say I have? :confused: I do not have it! :eek:

    It is odd! It is very odd! I have the thing you say I don't and don't have the thing you say I have! Strange. Very strange indeed.

    Hmm... this may be just me, but speaking on matters of me I have the say to say things as they regard to me. So, so far, you're wrong on two counts with me. Could it be... that you'd also be wrong about this 'benevolent authority' and duplicitous means for acquiring love?

    It could be! It could really be! It is certainly wrong, if you were speaking of me.

    So, with me, you're wrong on three!

    Strike!
    Strike!
    Strike!

    You'rrrrre ouuuutt

    [​IMG]
     
  20. Sam Hell

    Sam Hell Fapstronaut

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    It's funny you say that, because when I met my SO (who I have been with for more than 2 years, and which is undoubtedly the best relationship I've had), I basically told her my story - which involved a lot of disclosure of my weaknesses, mistakes, vulnerabilities. I did that simply because I didn't want to ever come from a place of omission by lying or outright lying again. I decided up front if she couldn't handle me be truthful and vulnerable, then she just wouldn't be the one for me.

    Her response was to tell me her "true" story. We opened the kimonos, so to speak and let each other see one another pretty much right from the beginning. It was actually her owning and accepting her flaws that got me into her in the first place - i.e. vulnerability.

    Granted, we are both in our 40s (barely in her case) and come to the experience of dating with a "no bullshit" attitude, so that helped.

    Having started our relationship that way (there were other things I wasn't proud of in my past besides PMO stuff), made it a LOT easier to discuss the PMO issues with her when I realized it was in fact an issue. If I were in the situation I am now, which is essentially a porn addict in recovery, yer damn right I would tell her that pretty early on in the relationship. In my experience it's your ability to understand your weaknesses/flaws, deal with them when you have the power to do so, and accept them when you don't, that make you an attractive and whole person. In other words, mature.
     
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