Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Hello everybody, I have returned

TL;DR: I PMO’d significantly while away, but overall my desire to continue doing so has dropped, my desire to remain free is stronger than ever and I’m back here because it’s clearly healthier than being away.

The long version….

There is one thing I wasn’t completely honest about in my previous post but intended to own up to upon returning. First recall two points from my previous post:

• One reason for going away was to focus on the SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION method and attempt to do so from a Biblical perspective.
• I felt as though my urges were rooted in my desire to draw.

EP’s advice has many Biblical parallels, I think, not least the fact that it seeks to change one’s attitude to P before changing the behaviours. But the conflict comes with the fact that EP advises readers not to cut down PMO while reading on the grounds that by the time you finish you simply won’t want to do it any more. Any attempt at willpower in the meantime is counter-productive because it generates fear and stress which ultimately lead to failure, shame, etc. I wrestled a lot with this because I didn’t feel this was Biblical. Furthermore I had already gone 100+ days without P and even longer without MO, but wanting to give EP its best chance, weighing everything up I decided I would resume one of my practices that I was still itching to resume while re-reading the book: the drawing.

I told myself I’d just do the drawing to ‘let it out’ while reading the book again slowly and carefully, without MO or other forms of P, because the desire for those was not as strong. This was my intention before my break from NoFap and I wasn’t honest about this in my previous post, but my intention was always to write this very post confessing afterwards – not that I’m saying this justifies it in any way. It does not, and I am not presenting myself as an example to others here.

Furthermore, what I hadn’t anticipated – but really should have - was how badly I would PMO. For the most part it remained about the drawing alone and there was no MO or other form of P. But towards the end of reading the book, a few weeks ago, one thing led to another and I was on all my old sites, and MO-d quite a few times over the last week. It was one thing in particular that tipped me over the edge but A) I think it warrants another post and B) I don’t really want other fetishists to know this particular thing even exists. The trigger could be so strong that even a trigger warning wouldn’t make it right in my eyes.

I can honestly say though that I have noticed a significant change in my heart because despite allowing myself to give in, I honestly didn’t enjoy it. When I’ve allowed myself to give in in the past I’ve looked forward to it. But for the most part I couldn’t this time. Allowing myself to give in while progressing through the book was actually difficult… I really didn’t want to be doing it. The drawing for the most part was actually stressful, especially having made so much progress in my 100+ day streak. Determined to finish another story, it took up a lot of my time and I really didn’t want to be doing it. It really did feel more driven by obsession and not lust. I was doing it more ‘just in case’ it was necessary for doing SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION correctly and not so much because of sexual desire.

So if this is the case, how did I end up PMO-ing? I realised that a tempting thought is like a spike of arousal… if I don’t touch myself when it comes, it sort of goes on its own. I had been very good at not touching myself at all when drawing. It felt as though M catalyses this spike of arousal somewhat and helps it develop into something that lasts longer, and which point my mind has surrendered to the temptation and my self control takes a nosedive. This ‘thing’ I discovered nudged me into M, which kept the spike alive and drive me over the edge. I ended up PMO-ing a few times and gave in to continuing until I finished the book.

I can’t condone my giving-in and I was reluctant to write this up not out of shame but out of fear that I’d portray this particular aspect of SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION – that of not ‘cutting down’ until finishing the book - is okay, because all things considered I don't think it is. But I decided to write this up in order to be honest with you all about where I’m at. So please - do not follow my example.

The fact of the matter is – whether due to SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION or my progress before reading it or both – and in any case certainly through the grace of God and through allowing His scripture to change my heart - I no longer see the pleasure in PMO. Before I was always secretly looking forward to failure or secretly hoping for some ‘loophole’ that made it okay and my heart was never in escaping PMO. But even when what I thought was a ‘loophole’ presented itself… making myself take it was really difficult. Giving in to my drawing and my PMO just felt like a chore.

I’m more convinced than ever – from the heart – that there is no reward in PMO. Addiction is caused by confusion in the brain’s reward system… and convincing myself that there is no true reward from PMO seems to have claimed the reward system back.

The pleasures PMO gives are temporary but the shame and misery that come from it last much longer. It’s entirely possible that other mental health issues I have with anxiety, difficultly concentrating etc. are ultimately caused by the damage that PMO has done to my brain and my reward system all these years. PMO gives nothing. It only takes. And it’s so clear to me now. I knew it before, but somehow I’ve only just truly accepted it.

I’ve lived in fear of never experiencing O again… but even if I do… why on earth does my fetish need to have any connection to that? I already know that I could entertain my fetish without O. But still… regardless of whether or not I O again….

• What do I really get out of finishing the ideal self-bondage session?
• What do I really get about finishing the perfect story in my drawings?
• What do I really get out of discovering the perfect scene in hunting-and-seeking session?

Why on earth do I feel I need P (where in my case P is any of the above or similar)? What am I expecting out of completing the perfect session? I don’t even need to MO to enjoy the above. And even if I get my ‘closure’ from P in isolation, I’m not exactly going to go around and brag about it to anybody. I don’t get a monetary reward and it certainly doesn’t bring me any closer to God. All it does, as I’ve said before, is create long-term problems. There is nothing at all to be gained from PMO and therefore nothing to lose by stopping it.

It’s been a week since I finished reading EP and I haven’t PMO’d – or even wanted to – since then. And honestly, it feels different from before. I’m so glad to be not drawing or doing any of my other ‘activities’ because my mind can focus on God more clearly. I wasn’t seeking His guidance as much as I should have while away. I’m also glad because I’m back here, on NoFap. It’s clear from my failure during my absence that I’m better off being accountable to people in a community than trying to do this on my own. The approach I took while away, though helping me to understand the pointlessness and harm of PMO much better, was questionable, and I am better off discussing it openly with other Christians here than I was secretly doing it alone.

There’s so much more I could say about my time away, but I will save it for future posts. My posts may not be as frequent as they were in the past. For now I’m just easing myself back in. Also, I may not put my daily counter for a while. I have a note of the last day I PMO’d so I can return to counting when the time is tight, but ultimately I still want the change in my heart to be the true indicator of freedom, not a mere number. If I never had a problem with PMO, I would never need a counter in the first place. This is not to say that I think counters are a bad thing – they’re a fantastic tool that helped me get as far as I did before I went away – but they are not the right tool for me right now.

 

Amen! When I first became a Christian more of my obedience was driven by doing what the Bible says without thinking about why. There was no real regret for my sins, only fear of hell. If I was nice to somebody, it was because the Bible told me I should be, not because I cared about the person. This, although better than nothing, can be an insult to that person. Also, if I'm motivated this way then I'm being selfish because I'm doing it for my own sake. Over the years, by God's grace, He's taught me to act out of love for Him and for others. I still have a long way to go though.

Because he's brought me this far in changing my hear I know He will continue to do so with respect to PMO. There's a reason God forbids sexual immorality... it hurts people and shatters relationships. It turns people into objects. Every day the porn industry is manipulating people into selling their bodies for the world to enjoy, and enabling the viewers to ruin their own mental reward systems and their minds as a whole. PMO steals time... time that could be spent doing more constructive things. the porn industry is taking that away from its victims.

What's been hard is applying some of these arguments to my drawing activites or my self bondage... because at least in the cases I'm not harming anybody or using anybody, right? Wrong. In self bondage I fantasise about people... people who are loved by God. In both activities I steal so much time from myself that could be used to glorify God. There was no self-bondage in my latest relapse, but even when drawing I felt like I'd rather be using the time to do more enjoyable or productive things. It honestly felt like a complete chore.

My heart has changed such that I feel I don't have any 'goals' in this fetish any more. The illusion of the 'perfect scene', whether it's something I find online or draw myself or enact in my head during self-bondage has been completely shattered. I know it doesn't exist so it's foolish to pursue it. I'm very goal-driven... but I see now that there is no goal in this. Sexual gratification, whether inside marriage or outside, is not something I need. If I don't need it there's no point in setting a goal for it.

Sadly though, the porn industry would have us think otherwise. Even worse... society as a whole would. To be a virgin is seen as not normal. Sex is even used to sell everyday products. Artists slip their fantasies into their work... for example superheroines in skimpy outfits, character descriptions in literature that make a point of emphasising breast size. It's everywhere. Sexual gratification is sold to us, consciously or subconsciously, as a reason for our existence.

This brainwashing is what SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION describes as the 'big monster', and for me this monster has been slain.

That said, however, there is also a 'little monster' - that's the biological sex drive, and for me he's still there. I still wake up tempted. Unhelpful thoughts still enter my mind. I'm still aroused by some of my 'favourite' memories of this fetish. Unhelpful sights and thoughts still send signals to my brain that make me want to touch myself.

But the difference now is that the subconscious desire to give in isn't there. Because of the 'big monster', I had before, deep down, wanted to give in to temptation. The subconscious hope that I would give in to this thing I told myself I didn't want always made it harder to resist the everyday urges, or I conviced myself that touching myself without looking at online material or drawing was at least better than doing it with. But I no longer 'need' to do those things, and therefore I no longer 'need' to substitute them for anything else.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
- Romans 12:1-2

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world" - The world is brainwashing us and there is a pattern of those who give in to it, some of them even brainwashing others. The brainwashing is telling us we need PMO - whatever form that takes for each of us - but this is a lie!!!

"but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" - The key to overcoming PMO is a transformed heart and mind! We cannot do this alone. We need God's help. I pray that God transforms all of your minds... please pray he continues to transform mine!

 

Thank you I am indeed remembering you in my prayers also!

It's so nice to be back on NoFap in a community where we can communicate and pray together. Of course, we can pray for each other when away, but when we can share our lives to provide prayer fuel it's so much better

Nothing else to add today... I could share more of my reflections that I had while away, but I just feel like using today's post to praise God: for fellowship, prayer, freedom and all of His other wonderful gifts!

 

Thank you Roady And I've mentioned this before but I heard about SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION from your journal and I really want to thank you again for that... it has really helped me a lot.

Regarding your above reply, the thing is I do feel I was loved as a child. My childhood wasn't perfect, sure, but I don't feel there was anything significantly wrong with how I was raised. But I have had trouble connecting with others, largely out of fear of what people think of me and my actions. I often wonder if that is largely the appeal of being bound up all alone - no people around me to worry about and no ability to act (and therefore no actions to be judged for).

With respect to connection - my fetish has made it harder for me to connect to people. I'm so embarrassed by it that I'm scared of close relationships in which I'm required to be honest about it. I'm scared of marriage for this very reason - a potential spouse deserves to know my history with this fetish but knowing that I'm scared to pursue one because I don't trust myself to tell her. When friends have been honest about struggles with P I've never had the courage to share my own struggle.... I can't exactly say it's the same struggle but I can't deny struggling with P either. Heck, it's because I'm so scared about opening up about this in person that I'm so open here on NoFap.

The psychological damage the fetish has caused me may even be the reason I'm so anxious, which in turn has affected my relationships too. Anxiety makes it hard to connect. No... FEAR makes it hard to connect.

This all relates to something else SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION did for me: I'm more focussed on what my fetish and PMO have caused than what caused me to entertain my fetish and PMO in the first place. So often we use stress or difficult situations as excuses to reward ourselves. We tell ourselves "I picked the wrong time to quit PMO". But all this does is make us more dependent on PMO during difficult times, and when we encounter difficult times without the opportunity to PMO (e.g. stress while out with friends, at the office, etc) we're more irritable. We're less rational. We (and certainly I) will take this out on other people, whether through aggression, through disinterest, through self-isolation or any other form of selfishness. Our connections with those people are damaged. Even if not surrounded by others our work suffers, and the stakeholders in our work suffer, thus putting strain on our connections with them. PMO is never victimless. Directly or indirectly, we hurt people and we hurt our connections with them. PMO gives a temporary "reward" but causes lasting damage. I see this all so much more clearly now.

So, I agree that perhaps some imperfect connection in my childhood somehow contributed to this fetish, but realising the extent of the damage it has done to my connections thereafter has significantly strengthened my resolve to overcome.

 

I realise I've not posted in a few days so just checking in to say I'm still going strong.

I still get momentary temptations, especially when I wake up, but there's no long-term temptation any more. No part of me is secretly hoping I give in. It's a wonderful feeling.

Life is incredibly busy at the moment though, with great potential for stress, so prayers for mental health would be very much appreciated please!

God bless you all

 

I would say that temptations are ever so slightly stronger, but my resolve to resist them is ever as strong. In fact, I hesitate to use the word 'resolve' because I simply don't feel I need to make a resolve. The temptations are there, but they're just doing their own thing in my head but not affecting my actions to any significant degree.

No place for complacency though, of course.

It's like the physical reactions to erotic thoughts kick in, but they just fade away naturally. The neural pathway between the stimulus and my choice to PMO or not is completely cut off. The signal fires but it falls off the pathway... I don't need to make a choice because my mind doesn't get that far.

I keep thinking of Pavlov's dog... except in this case the experiment is 'broken'.... Pavlov rings the bell and the dog drools in anticipation, but this time the dog doesn't even move towards the bowl of dog food. The dog stops drooling and carries on with his day.

The analogy stops there... because the dog needs that food... but we do not need PMO.

 

Yes, thank you both, it is encouraging to hear these thoughts.

But yes, I absolutely take your warning on board, Tao, thank you. The sex drive can be a very unpredictable thing with its own ups and downs. We are fools to ever underestimate it, and historically when I feel safest is when I am most at risk. In fact I would please appreciate continued warnings like these for this very reason!

Novelty is perhaps when I am least in control, especially when it comes out of nowhere. It's how I failed on my latest relapse - a new idea surfaced and I couldn't get it out of my head.

For example, today I was viewing some potential new homes and the estate agent was very attractive and for lack of a better word 'compatible' with some of my ideal fantasies. She is a novel fantasy - a younger, weaker me would have made a mental note to fantasise about her during my next self-bondage session. Driving home I found it difficult not to fantasise about her. I may not be PMO-ing but I am still sinning in my head and this still needs to be fixed.

New ideas put me in a state of mind where for the briefest of moments, I lose control. In that moment I regret escaping PMO and want to 'try' this new idea before really making the commitment to quitting. In that moment I feel it's 'not fair' that I don't get to explore the new fantasy. But I'm more aware than ever that these moments are lies, and I know that if I stop, apply a bit of mindfulness to observe what is happening physically when these spikes occur, and rebuke the idea altogether, eventually they fade and I'm in control again. But there is always a danger that a powerful enough spike may break the threshold and lead me down a spiral to PMO again. An opportunity for a sufficiently novel experience could do this. Hence, I remain vigilant.

 

It's nice not posting every day, as I did before. Yes, discipline is a good thing, and indeed it is through discipline that I post at all. But looking back to before the recent relapse, certain practices such as daily postings and bumping up the daily counter had become too legalistic and/or I was doing them for the wrong reasons. No discipline is idleness, too much discipline is legalism. It's difficult to get the balance right, but this is why we seek God's guidance, and for some of us certain disciplines may be more important than others.

I digress - it's nice to post when I feel like - recovery is feeling like a more enjoyable process. I post because I want to not because I've set myself a rule where I have to. But please, if I go to long without posting, please do message me and check I'm okay.

Somehow it matters to me more than it did before that others recover too. Of course I always want this for everyone, but the desire to see others pull through comes more from the heart than it did before. It matters to me that everyone can be free from PMO and breaks my heart to see people struggling. I pray that the hearts of all those caught in this addiction with turn to God and be changed to see sin as He does more and more each day.

However, my sinful mind still misses the old ways sometimes. Old, unfulfilled ideas keep popping up and tempting me to return to that lie of "it's not fair" and "you'll never be happy if you don't explore it!". Resisting feels easy at the moment, with these pangs seemingly fading away on their own, but as I said in the previous post, I remain vigilant. A powerful enough trigger when I least expect it could knock me down.

During my break from NoFap I had many observations about the 'lifecycle' of a pang... whether we resist it and it fades or we entertain it only to never quite fulfill it and instead get stuck in a gruesome spiral. I mean to write these up in more detail sometime.

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In other news, I'm so ridiculously busy at the moment. They say moving home is one of the most stressful things you ever do and I'm definitely feeling that now. It's a lot to manage on top of work, which is mentally very demanding at the moment. Please pray for me. Sometimes out of frustration the pangs I mention above are ever so slightly louder... tempting me to give in as an act of rebellion against the stress I am facing. But I remind myself that PMO never truly eases stress... it might relieve it temporarily but in the long turn we become more stressed as we lose confidence in ourselves as we feel we depend on this 'solution' more and more.

 

Yes, and it makes me sad and angry that the porn industry willingly leads people into this trap. It's only in recent years that I learned how calculating the porn industry is... they know where human weaknesses lie and the traps the devil sets (though they may not knowingly know the devil is at work... they just want to make money) and go about helping him to set them.

Our addictions may start with soft-core, lower-quality stuff we find for free on tube sites. We catch a glimpse of the thumbnails of the more hardcore stuff and we're initially repulsed. But as we tire of the same old soft-core stuff we seek novelty to get the dopamine high, and those repulsive videos are the only port of call. We start of justify more and more such things until we're completely dependent on what once repulsed us in order to get off. It is argued that this 'leaked' material on the tube sites is planted by the porn industry to lure us in. Before we know it we're justifying spending money to see more stuff involving the same actress because we've seen all of her 'leaked' material. A thumbnail or preview of a video for sale represents our 'ideal' scene and the only way we can see the whole thing is to pay for it.

The porn industry is clever and calculating, knowingly manipulating our weaknesses to get our money. It's pure evil.

For the most part I have never paid money to satisfy by urges beyond the cost of drawing materials and one or two everyday items useful for self-bondage. But during my my time away, when I really lost control in my relapse, I paid for something 'new' that I discovered. I hated the fact that - even by a small amount - I had just contributed financially to something that was leading others to sin - luckily I managed to get a refund and get locked out of it again. But I hated that I had almost enabled this evil to continue... it's one thing to indulge in my own sin but another to lead others into it, albeit very very indirectly in my case. It just made me hate the industry even more.

But it's a perfect example of what I just talked about, and about earlier points we've discussed on novelty and losing control. Again, I don't want to mention what this thing is because I think it's dangerous for others with my fetish to even know it exists. But I had been sticking to just drawing without M, started to excuse looking at videos still without M, and stumbled across this particular thing. It opened up so many completely unexpected possibilities for entertaining my fetish that I because obsessed. Realising it cost a small fee I was wrestling with myself for ages until I gave in, but knowing I couldn't live with myself for putting even a small amount of money into the industry I was luckily able to backpedal, unsubscribe and get the money back. The novelty pushed my arousal spike beyond the threshold of self-control.

The internet is littered with material like this, planted to rob us of our self-control. And as technology advances the possibilities for entertaining carnal desires will grow. Our high-speed internet connections that make this stuff more readily available are a perfect example - the generation before me didn't have this so they were oblivious to its dangers and not in such a great position to warn me and my peers. Virtual reality (note this is not the 'thing' I discovered) is likely to be the next danger, if it isn't already. As this becomes more realistic and if they kind a way to manipulate all the senses, it will inevitably get exploited for porn. If we as a species weren't ready for high-speed access to our fantasies on screen and through our speakers, we certainly won't be ready for this. Apparently the porn industry are putting money into this too.

VR is just one example. With a background in technology I'm aware of other technology that even though seemingly innocent at first could one day be exploited for sex. All technological advancement can be used for good or for ill. After all, the same technology that sent rockets into space sends missiles across the earth.