Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Thank you @Roady ! I found a bit of time to start reading your more recent entries in more detail, by the way. However I have a backlog of reflections I wanted to process in my journal first, so I'm going to share them below before I do more in-depth reading and accumulate even more!

I'll share them as separate posts so that I can link to them separately later. One relates to an earlier point Roady raised about when the fetish became sexual, which I had been meaning to reflect on anyway. The second is more about how I developed the misconception that what I'm into was 'normal'.

 

How/when did my interest become sexual?

There are various events I remember when I consider this question.

I remember various misconceptions about female genitalia as a very young child. I remember assuming that women had penises too and I remember the conversation when I learned they didn’t. I remember thinking breasts only grew if the woman had had a baby. I don’t think the latter is relevant but the former is.

From maybe age 4 or even earlier I used to play with myself and I remember getting erections when I did. This is normal in children, I understand. I remember telling my family when it happened sometimes. At some point I recognised it happened when I thought about tied up women, though I don’t remember the first instance of this. More than likely my closest female friend agreeing to being tied to a lamppost had something to do with it, but that’s not the point here. I remember asking myself “why does this phenomenon give me an erection?” and I assumed a working hypothesis based around gender roles. Popular culture had taught me that women are weak and get tied up, and the strong male hero rescues them. I had also learned that men have penises and women don’t. I wondered if the growth of my penis was a way of lending my male strength to the weak woman so she could break free. Ludicrous, yes, but at the time it seemed like the most reasonable explanation. I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually believe that it caused strength transfer, but I felt that in a symbolic sense at least that that was what was happening. Funny that I could have had such an abstract thought at such an age.

However arousal is more than just getting erections as there is that euphoric excitement we feel as we touch ourselves - I don’t remember feeling that during this earlier period of childhood. As I got better at drawing – some time between ages 7 at 10 perhaps – I was drawing longer stories about a character (essentially a proto-Naomi) getting tied to a chair and I recall this feeling of excitement starting to surface. I couldn’t wait to get to my desk and continue working on her story. Now that I think about it, I was probably getting better at drawing breasts and the female figure as a whole. I would draw her in revealing outfits not unlike some female superheroines might have worn.

I can’t remember if this was before or after, but I would also tie up a female action figure (who wore a similarly revealing outfit) with elastic bands and felt a similar degree of euphoria. I remember one day watching a comedy episode where for comic effect a lady was naked but had her breasts covered up by a couple of pots, and I suddenly felt excited by what I was seeing even though I had seen this scene a few times before. There was no bondage, but the excitement made me hungry for playing with my female action figure, and I immediately went upstairs again to reapply the elastic bands and lose myself to my fetish.

A slight digression because I don’t think the following adds to the sexualisation, more to the normalisation of this being sexual – I forgot to take the elastic bands off this figure when a friend visited once and he also seemed excited that she was tied up. He told me to “leave her that way” before we started playing. This is certainly not the first time somebody else appeared to share my interest however (regardless of whether or not he actually did).

Anyway, with regards to the sexualisation, the final point is my first orgasm. I was a teenager or very nearly there. I was computer-savvy by this point and had learned to animate. I used this skill to animate a character struggling in her bonds and I remember playing with myself as I reflected on it later in the day. The euphoric feeling got stronger and stronger until suddenly it happened – my first O.

 

Learning what is normal and acceptable

I recently attended a talk on child psychology, part of which covered how children come to learn what they regard as normal and acceptable.

Abuse was the main example – if a child grows up learning that violence is used as a means of problem solving they themselves will grow up understanding (incorrectly) that that is how problems are dealt with. They apply this to solving problems in their own marriages or with their own children or more generally, and the cycle repeats itself with the next generation.

Thankfully nothing like this happened in my own childhood; I was loved and protected. But a generalisation of the above phenomenon is that as a child what we experience in the home or day-to-day teaches us – either correctly or incorrectly – was is normal and acceptable and what isn’t.

As I said in the previous post, fictional tropes taught me the misconception that women are weaker and get tied up, and it is the role of strong male heroes to rescue them. Because it was fiction, there was no real peril. Cartoons certainly didn’t make it scary and even acted shows aimed at all ages presented the damsel-in-distress as a somewhat innocent trope. For example, Lois Lane never appeared particularly scared in the 90s Superman show and mostly kept a level head during bondage scenes. My friend wanting to be tied to the lamppost and exhibiting a similar expression of nonchalance taught me I wasn’t alone. I remember tying up a lego figuring with an elastic band and a babysitting relative at the time chuckled at the application of the trope. Another relative would often joke about tied-up characters needing the toilet! The point being – I grew up believing that women getting tied up was an innocent acceptable thing, even worthy of humour.

I learned early on however that pornography was wrong, and that nudity outside of certain contexts was also wrong. But not only had nobody warned me about the dangers of fetishism, but the apparent acceptability of women in bondage more that likely led me to use that as my sexual outlet.

I’ve written about this before, actually, but it all felt particularly relevant to re-explore, having heard this recent talk about children developing an understanding of what is normal and acceptable.

 

Yes, I was a very anxious child, and often playing with myself would be a stress response even though I wasn't (knowingly) doing it for arousal. Even now I sometimes catch myself inadvertently touching myself down there in response to stress if I'm on my own. I don't consider it masturbation because it isn't sexually motivated, though it has lead me to masturbation many times in the past and is generally a risky habit, so I still need to work on stopping it.

You might consider starting with my working hypothesis that it could be because it's similar to a hugging sensation, and/or swaddling, which in turn simulates the restrictions of the womb. In any case, I think this relates to my response to another comment you just made:

Here you've actually hit on one of the earliest curiosities I had about the whole phenomenon of bondage, before it became sexual. It fascinated me that something so simple as a piece of rope or rope-like thing being wrapped around somebody could be used in such a way as to take away the freedom to use one's arms. Why it fascinated me I don't know... it's as though I am not only missing the answer but also the question. The first time my curiosity was aroused (in the more general, non-sexual sense) was seeing Mowgli constricted by the snake Kaa in the jungle book.... so not even a rope but a snake! I definitely associated the squeezing sensation as being like a hug, but I felt there was more to my curiosity than that.

I had also observed a few months back that I *thought* the question was "what must that be like?".... first with Mowgli then later with the women I saw tied up. But I realised that really I had made my own answer to that question: I *wanted* it to feel like a hug and I wanted it to feel a comfortable form of constraint as I had done in the womb, so that's what I imagined it must be like. In reality a person being bound against their will must not be comfortable at all. It hurts and it's scary. But I didn't like that answer when I came to realise the reality of real-life bondage situations. Some of my own self-bondage adventures weren't as comfortable as I wanted them to be... it's hard to get right and I would get frustrated when I couldn't make it 'work'. Most of the time though I could make it comfortable because I controlled how tightly I made everything... but a real captive would not have that luxury.

But anyway, yes, a rope or rope-like thing is more than just a regular rope to me. It has ritualistic significance. The same goes for anything that could be used as a gag... tape, scarves, etc. I separate the objects I encounter daily as things that have utility in bondage and those that don't. I developed a particular liking for women tied to chairs and sometimes I can't even look at a chair without getting ideas. If bondage is the idol, a chair is the pedestal on which I place it.

I have thought recently about doing this. I didn't phrase the question as you did though, and I think you phrase it very well. However I feel I'd need to go very in depth to investigate this, and that's risky. I'm afraid by doing that I would be giving the devil a foothold. I did start thinking about my "ideal story" and wondering what it might say about me, but realised I was enjoying the exercise too much. My relapse a few months back was partly owed to revisiting an old contributing cartoon for "research" but enjoying that "research" a bit too much.

 

Thanks Roady... I have so many (good!) things I could say in response but unfortunately little time to write now that we're into the week. I'll pick up on or or two things though:

Yes, for sure I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and accept Scripture as His Word

And yes, I have wondered whether the fact I was initially lured in by a snake has any spiritual significance. I'm aware that at least one other was drawing into the same fetish by this same scene, and other fetishes also. Hypnotism is a good example. I actually forgot about the hypnotism part until @GodsDaughter pointed it out in a conversation about this very scene and it's influence on me. I never felt aroused by hypnotism or sought to pursue it in the way I did bondage. But now that I think about it, when I'm really deep into my lust, completely shutting out God and embracing the euphoria, it is not unlike being in a trance.

You are correct that I have never prayed together with somebody about these issues, but this is not the reason. Fear of opening up is the reason... even though I know they (probably!) won't judge me I fear that they will be unable to look at me without picturing me doing the weird things I have done to myself to entertain my fetish. But this comes back to the very problem of me living inside peoples' heads too much, I suppose...

Plus, I do believe that I have let go of this fetish. This is the major difference between my current streak and my last.... from the bottom of my heart I no longer see any value in giving in to my fetish's demands (SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION really helped there). Yes the thoughts are still there, but there is an impenetrable boundary between them and my actions, and these thoughts are just the neurological residue left behind by years of surrendering to the evil.

 

I think really reflecting on the past and looking to the future need careful balance particular to each individual's circumstances.

For me personally looking at the past has been helpful in letting me accept that the circumstances leading to my fetish were things beyond my control, at least in those earlier years. I am still responsible for my actions but by looking at the past I have learned to not blame myself as I did before. I was born into a world of sin and this sin manifested itself in a particular way as I grew up. This fetish is something that happened to me, not something I chose. But now I can choose, and I have chosen to reject the things it tempts me to do.

But too much reflection on the past is either unproductive because we may start to draw associations that aren't there and waste time that could be spent on our present relationship with God, or counter-productive because - as was my case when I relapsed - the reflection became enjoyable for the wrong reasons.

As Tao says, the balance and the risk is different for each of us. I pray that God guides each and every one of us in getting that balance right.

 

On this whole topic of needs both in childhood and in adulthood, and following reflections from my discussions with people here and in DM, I came to take a step back and look at all the needs I've come across while reflecting through this journal, bring together, and compared how I sought to fulfuil them through my fetish and how they are actually fulfilled by God.

I thought of 5 such needs:

Need: Everyday sustenance (food, shelter, etc)

• As a child: I was totally dependent on my parents for these things.
• As an adult: I can no longer depend on my parents; I have to work to survive.
• As a child of God: My daily bread
• How bondage ‘fulfilled’ the need: A simulation of the tight, enclosed space of the womb – a place where all my basic needs are met despite no effort from myself.
• How God actually fulfils the need:
  
  • Matthew 6 is full of examples:
    • “Give us this day our daily bread” (v 11; as part of the Lord’s prayer)
    • “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” (v 30)
    • “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (v 33)
  • Also John 6:35: “Jesus said to them, ‘I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst’”.

Need: Acceptance

• Throughout life: I always felt acceptance was necessary for the first need (sustenance).
• As a child: By my family, friends and teachers
• As an adult: By my family, friends, coworkers and employers
• As a child of God: By God himself – In His case His acceptance is necessary for salvation. My testimony is a story in which I fear losing His acceptance, and the enemy tempts me to doubt this still today.
• How bondage ‘fulfilled’ the need:
  • A hugging sensation; hugging being a gesture of acceptance.
  • Self-bondage was always something I would do when alone with no risk of interruption. No people means there is no acceptance to crave and no need to stress over losing it. I only have to please myself.
• How God actually fulfils the need: We are accepted through Christ, so long as we choose to receive that acceptance:
  • “Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” - Romans 15:17
  • “All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out” - John 6:37
  • “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" - Romans 10:13

Need: Freedom from blame and responsibility

• Throughout life: I have feared that blame will cause me to lose acceptance from all those I fear losing it from. Furthermore, it has often felt that no matter what I do, mistakes are made.
• As a child: I never liked being told off for being naughty, or for making mistakes.
• As an adult: It’s less likely I’ll be shouted at, but the cost of mistakes could be my own job
• As a child of God: I fear that errors will have eternal consequences for myself or others.
• How bondage ‘fulfilled’ the need: It’s not the damsel in distress’ fault that she’s tied up… somebody did this to her and now that she’s in this state she cannot be held responsible for doing or not doing anything. So, I misconceive bondage as a state of freedom from responsibility and therefore from blame.
• How God fulfils the need:
  
  • He takes care of all things; all blame is taken care of on the cross.
    • “But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed” - Isaiah 53:5
    • “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith” - Romans 3:23-25
    • “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.” - Ephesians 1:3-4
  • Besides, we can seek God’s help in the tasks and responsibilities we have: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” - Proverbs 3:5-6
  • And in any case, nothing we do can circumvent God’s will. Whatever does or doesn't happen is His will:
    
    • “Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.” - Psalm 115:3
    • “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord” - Proverbs 16:33

Need: Rest & Meditation

• Throughout life: I’ve never been good at just sitting still. I’m not comfortable in one position for very long.
• As a child: Apparently I had a lot of energy and was very restless!
• As an adult: I’m terrible at not being busy! There’s always something to do. My mind is always distracted.
• As a child of God: Time to reflect and let God speak – to “sit at Jesus’ feet”
• How bondage ‘fulfilled’ the need: When you’re tied up there is nothing to do but just think. Especially true when blindfolded and free from visual stimulation. Many people into bondage even when the motivation is non-sexual are into it for this reason – it’s an aid to meditation, much like an isolation tank. This is actually related to the freedom from blame and responsibility - these things create stress but recreational bondage removes them and gives me peace.
  
• How God fulfils the need: Rest is a commandment because He knows it is good for us. At no point does He say bondage is necessary for it. Besides, in self-bondage I “meditate” on evil fantasies, not his Word, which is what He does want us to meditate on.
  • “Be still, and know that I am God” - Psalm 46:10
  • The story of Mary and Martha - “[Mary] sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted by much serving” - Luke 10:38-42
  • “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.” - Joshua 1:8

Need: Sexual gratification and expression

• Throughout life: I have feared that not having a girlfriend or a wife and never experiencing sex would render me not normal - i.e. I feared society would judge me for it and that I'd become a joke. This is related to fearing a loss of acceptance.
  
• As a child: This was not a need at first, but became one as I entered puberty.
• As an adult: We are wired with a sex drive!
• As a child of God: A wife with whom and only with whom to share sexual experience – selflessly for her gratification and not mine.
• How bondage ‘fulfilled’ the need: It was how I discovered my sexuality. Knowing porn was wrong but already recognising a link between women and bondage, I sexualised that link instead and now I know no other way to express my sexuality.
• How God fulfils the need: 1 Corinthians 7 reminds us that we don’t necessarily need it, but if we really want it (which is not a bad thing!), it must only be through marriage. The whole chapter is relevant but verses 8-9 summarise it perfectly: “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

Summary: These are all connected - I need acceptance in order to gain my needs on this earth and in eternity, and I see both blame and celibacy as means though which I may lose acceptance (and therefore wellbeing) by people close to me and also by society at large. There is nothing wrong with celibacy but society would have us think otherwise. Ultimately I should only worry about God's acceptance, which I would understand better were I to meditate on His Word and His love for me even more, but I am distracted from this by worldly 'needs' that rob me of my rest - and I turn to evil in order to enter a restful state in which I 'meditate' on evil.

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I found this to be a really helpful exercise that I'd strongly recommend (only replacing the word 'bondage' with your own kinks or more generally with 'PMO'). I plan to keep the above a 'living' document which I add to or modify as I discover more. I will edit a copy in my journal's opening post where I will always keep the latest version.

 

There's a horror movie trope where a character is vulnerable to possession because their minds have been weakened - in one example through Alzheimers, in another case through grief and general mental strain. Now, I'm not saying demonic forces work in this way - and that's not even the topic I want to get to - but I do feel temptation to sin works this way (among many others!). With everything going on in my life now, my thoughts are all over the place and difficult to control. The temptations I wake up with still feel strong, albeit still not enough to entertain them through P or M. It's okay later in the day, but mornings remain hard. It's difficult to push the thoughts away because I don't have the mental energy to do so. When I let my mind rest at such times, it naturally settles into a state of lustful desire.

Some things in my life are working out, others seem to get tougher. I'm trying to move house and seem to have taken one step forward, two steps back. It's normal of course, but tough in addition to a busy time at work and all I need to do to help my parents. I also need to keep fixing the place I'm supposed to be selling! Plumbing, electrics etc keep breaking and it's difficult to keep on top of it all.

Still, it's nothing in comparison to trials that others in my life are facing, and nobody I know is dealing with anything as terrible as the horrors in Ukraine right now. Once again I'm reminded that no matter how tough my own life gets, I should still be grateful for the abundant blessings God has given. Moving is tough but I have shelter. Parental care is tough but I have family. Plumbing can be frustrating to deal with but I have clean water.

With respect to the first set of needs in my previous post I am a rich man. It occurs to me as I write that not only does God provide my needs but He has given me the means (and indeed the responsibility) to provide others with their needs. PMO achieves nothing in this respect. The hours I have dedicate to my fetish could have been used to allow God to use me to bless others, but I stole those hours away from Him. I am sorry, Father.

 

I completely agree - this is the type of mind I strive to obtain through a deeper knowledge on scripture!

 

Actually I was using knowledge [of scripture] as one example. Time with God through prayer and mediation could likewise train our minds to be focused on spiritual things so much that when we let our thoughts go where they want, they remain in that state of their own accord.

I guess what I mean is that it isn't easy to control where our thoughts wander. Indeed, a key element of mindfulness meditation is to let thoughts go where they naturally end up and observe rather than attempt to control, because the latter takes energy which causes us stress. So when we lack energy, we're more inclined to let thoughts go where they want.

Once our minds are primed enough in something, our thoughts naturally wander in that space. If you're interested enough in an article on science (for example), you walk away unable to shake the thoughts of fascination as you marvel at the natural world and think of all the implications. If you've been on a really good date, all your thoughts are anchored in that time you spent with that person. You try to think of something else, but that takes energy, and when you release the thoughts they naturally wander back into that mental space. If you've had some bad news, you can't stop thinking about it and you're always worrying. You try to focus on something else but that makes you even more tired... you release your thoughts and you are back in worry.

As a scientist I like to think of these rested thought patterns as 'fixed points'; Some system, when left alone to their open devices, naturally converse on the same fixed states. Indeed, science tells us that it is the nature of all physical things to seek the lowest energy state.

Note that in the above examples (except maybe the anxiety one) some work is done to put one's mind in the position such that its nearest fixed point is the corresponding restful state. For our minds to get stuck in scientific wonder (the restful state) there is still some work to be done first (reading the article). With the date, having our head in the clouds with thoughts of the person we spent time with (the restful state) required some work to manage nerves, especially if you are the one to ask the other on the date. It's like plastic... put some work in and you deform a thing to the extent it rests in a different state form the one it was in before.

The problem is that all the 'work' we have devoted to PMO has deformed our plastic brains such that when 'released' under certain conditions, our mind naturally falls into evil, lustful thoughts and it can take energy to shift our minds significantly enough that our thoughts get lost on something more wholesome. This is especially true first thing in the morning when our minds are weak, we're in loose clothing, we've woken up with an erection and we may have had an erotic dream. Our sleep has deposited us in one of these mental pits of lust and climbing out takes work. It feels easier to just let go and slide to the bottom. I'm not saying this justifies doing so - far from it - only that in our weakness this is what we are inclined to do.

But what if our minds are so occupied with scripture, meditations and prayer in their working states that when we release our thoughts, they remain fixed on God without any further work? But we have to have that knowledge and experience in the first place, which takes some work to gain.

If I spend my evening looking at lustful images online and masturbating to my heart's content, it's likely I'll be reflecting on that the second I wake up.

If I spend my evening searching scriptures, praying and meditating until I realise something new and exciting about God that I hadn't realised before, it's likely that when I wake up, groggy and less able to control my thoughts, this won't be a problem because my mind is resting in this fascinating new discovery I had made the night before.

Does that make sense?