Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Thank you I spent some time with a counselor once trying to work out what may have been the root of mine.... I'd been meaning to share it in this journal at some point, but may leave some details out as I don't want to accidentally trigger anything in anybody who may share my fetish! If it does, please say and I will delete this in an instant... but on the other hand it may be helpful to others trying to understand their own struggles. Anyway, I don't know for sure if the following is truly why my fascination grew, and the counselor didn't (and wasn't qualified to) say it was definitely the cause, but it's a possible explanation.

I've already commented on the fact that women getting tied up is a common trope, and so of course it happens a lot in cartoons and other shows that we watch as kids. Given the innocent nature of kids TV shows, there's no real peril in these scenes... you know she'll be okay at the end. Furthermore, my friends and I did a lot of pretend play as kids. I had one female friend who seemed to shoehorn being tied up into our stories once or twice. I had some curiosity regarding the phenomenon, but nothing sexual back then, as young as I was. But the fact that a friend seemed to share the curiosity and the fact that it was portrayed so innocently on TV completely normalised it... I wasn't alone and there was (apparently) nothing wrong with it.

On the contrary - and this is the key part to my counselor's reasoning - I remember learning and understanding early in my life that pornography was sinful and wrong, and this fact stuck in my head. But the thing is, from my understanding of the world, images of women bound and gagged, in the context of fiction (as in the cartoons we watched) and/or consent (as in the case of my friend in our play time), was acceptable, and so it's entirely possible that my sexual awakening became focussed on this in lieu of 'normal' pornography.

It's probably more complex that this, but there's a lot of logic to this reasoning. In any case, it's very much supported that fetishes begin in childhood.

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Today has been good, mostly stress free and chilled overall No significant triggers or temptations.

 

Forgot to post yesterday. Only significant thing to note is that I went in to work in the office, where the aircon wasn't working properly. Not good in this heat... I was very hot and sweaty; a situation which tends to make me more vulnerable to temptation... not that I would ever give in which in the office, but I had to drive home still feeling vulnerable in this sense, convincing myself I wouldn't give in when home. And thankfully, I didn't!

 

Dreamt about one of my fantasies this morning (which surprisingly doesn't happen all that often) - in this case watching a scene from TV. Genuinely thought I was really watching it and that I had reset. Woke up to realise it was just a dream but couldn't tell if I had M'd in a half-awake state. No 'mess', so definitely no O. Even if I did M, I was barely conscious of it, so I think it's safe to assume this isn't a all for a reset. A tough one though... because in such states of mind my self-control is really poor.

Still, it set the tone for the day and I was more tempted than I had been the past few days or so, with that small part of my brain trying to convince me to have a day where I just let go and 'get it all out of my system'. But I know this is a lie. With that kind of attitude it will never be truly out of my system, and may never be anyway. Not until I return home to The Father, at least. I can accept that - that I may struggle with this fetish for my time on this world even if I never PMO again, and am reassured in knowing Christ's forgiveness.

I like watching the TV show "Elementary", mainly because I'm a huge Sherlock Holmes fan (can't beat the original stories though!) but also because in this version Sherlock's drug use is to the extent that he's a recovering addict, so there's a lot to relate to in this sense. I've never used drugs and I know there are many differences in such addictions and mine, but all us addicts need to be open to one another, support one another and spend a lot of time examining ourselves.

But I digress - the reason I brought up this show is that there's one episode where Sherlock says something like "sobriety is not a release, it's a struggle". I can't remember if he actually said "release", but he definitely said "struggle", and this relates to my earlier point about accepting that our battles may have to be fought until the day we day. I've mentioned before that acceptance is a strategy that helps me a lot. And it's easier to know when I reflect on the fact that the battles we fight are for a war that Christ has already won.

EDIT: Should add that I became extremely busy in the evening, and though I normally need to be careful about this, in this instance it distracted me from temptation entirely

 

Serious cravings today. Particularly for self-bondage, which I mentioned in my first post that I'm into, but haven't addressed in much detail in my posts yet.... it's one of the hardest parts of all this for me to talk about. I often wonder if my penchant for the feeling of being bound goes back to how babies like to feel safe when they are constrained (i.e. swaddling), as if this part of my childhood had also stuck with me and led me to have the fantasies I have today. Fetishes are often attributed to childhood, after all.

Something else that makes my struggle for recovery so difficult is that there are so many 'ideas' with respect to entertaining this fetish that I haven't tried out... with respect to how I search for material online, with respect to images and stories I draw to entertain myself, with respect to self-bondage. This is what makes the 'one last time' voice so difficult to ignore.... the mind craves novelty, and the voice is trying to argue that I'll never truly have closure until I've exhausted all of my ideas.

But this comes back to my repeated point about being prepared to accept the struggle. I may never have closure until I go to be with the Father. Resisting temptation not knowing if it will ever get easier is painful... really painful... and one of the most effective tricks the enemy has over me. Please pray against this.

Again, the cravings disappear if I'm sufficiently occupied / distracted, which was the case eventually this evening. But today's been one of the hardest for a while. But nonetheless, I praise God for the past 12 days without PMO. Although I've done better before, if I look at the past few years I certainly PMO less frequently, and 1 week / month streaks of freedom are much more common.

 

Thanks @GodsDaughter, your post was helpful meditation fuel this morning I had an extremely busy day but I decided to take the time between waking up and heading out to slow down and meditate and pray (not only about this, but also about other things I've been reflecting on... but mainly this!).

While I certainly find it helpful to deconstruct, I try not to spend too much time doing so, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, reflecting on the fetish can also act as a trigger if I'm not careful. The second reason is that I don't want to spend so much time on the past that I'm not focused on the here and now, or on the future. That's not to say that reflecting on the past isn't helpful, of course, as deconstructing it is helping me to accept it and who I am, and will help me to share it with those close to me, should I decide to do so, not least my future wife - if it is God's will for me to marry!

I haven't made much effort in the pursuit of a relationship in recent years largely because I don't trust myself to be honest with a partner about my problems. When I get anxious, my fight-or-flight response is to lie, then I get anxious (and very, very obsessive) about the lie I've told (even when I've corrected it). The Bible describes the devil as "the father of lies" (John 8:44) and something else I've come to learn about myself in recent years is that I have been a compulsive liar since childhood. This is something I wish to change, but honesty takes a level of courage that I struggle with. Being honest about this fetish to loved ones takes a ridiculous amount of courage, to the extent that I don't trust myself to do it when necessary. Hence, one of my motivations to join this community and share my journey here. The next step will be finding an accountability partner - but I'm personally not ready for that either. I'm also fighting an anxiety disorder, so this all requires baby steps!

Anyway, I hadn't actually intended to get into all of that... but it's all part of my journey and so I would have shared it at some point anyway

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So anyway - today! I did a lot of driving around throughout the day for multiple reasons. One of these is to look for a new place to live - which is one of the non-work reasons I'm so busy recently. Being busy is healthy from the perspective of abstaining from PMO, but unhealthy from an anxiety management perspective. But the whole point of me moving is to be closer to my work and my church family, with whom I spend most of my social life. This move will ultimately make my life less busy and less stressful. I'll be able to find more time to spend with people, and spending time with people motivates me to not live for my lustful desires. I am at my most sober when I am with them. They say moving is one of the most stressful things you ever do - but in the long run it will be an important step in fighting my battle.

Thankfully, I'm very strict about observing a day of rest, and tomorrow is Sunday, when I chose to have mine Of course, in Mark 2:27 Jesus teaches "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.", so we don't need to be legalistic about having a rest day (and in any case Saturday is actually the Jewish Sabbath!). But I don't chose a rest day out of legalism - I do it because it is healthy. God wants us to rest. God wants us to be healthy. If I overdo it I am trusting in my own strength, not his. So, tomorrow I will finally get some breathing space from what has been a very very busy week

 

Thanks And It's been a good rest day too - church via Zoom in the morning, some video gaming here and there, alongside some intellectual pursuits and time in prayer and meditation.

Again there were temptations of course, and quite irksome today too. But I've made it to 14 days again, and I'm praying that this streak might continue!

 

Felt like my genitals were gonna explode this morning... woke up at something like 3am feeling really strange down there, didn't think I'd fall back to sleep and that this might push me over the edge, but thankfully I did fall asleep again. Still the same sensation when I finally woke up, and very much had the Monday morning feeling of dreading getting back to work. It was a slow, difficult start but eventually the sensations went away and I'm still 15 days without failure!

Motivation to exercise remains hard. Normally I go running on Monday but it was raining so decided to do loads of press-ups instead - as many sets as I could manage with breaks inbetween. Whether running or doing something else though, I still feel a sense of lethargy which I think is down to withdrawal. My cardio is fine... I love pushing my heart to the edge and getting the runners high after, but the rest of my body just doesn't want to go that far. To some extent the barriers are in my muscles now, but the real barrier is my mind. I know my heart's fine, and I often feel like I can push my muscles a bit further if that motivational spark was there in my head... but it just isn't. This might not necessarily be due to withdrawal but rather to stress, the heat or a combination of these.

 

Nothing significant to report for yesterday, and today was mostly fine. I was in the office again today so no danger of PMO with colleagues around! Had a really nice lunchtime walk too

Close call with a TV scene just now. I don't count it as P if I didn't actively seek it, so not something I count as a failure. Besides, the build-up of the scene suggested that this particular character getting tied up was quite likely, so I was bracing myself for it happening before it did and even then didn't pay much attention until it was over. But without going into detail it ticked a lot of the boxes of what I would consider an 'ideal' scene.... in my weaker days I would have started masturbating in an instant, and immediately sought it out online and given it a lot more attention after the show was over.

Thankfully, no PMO followed. These scenes are unavoidable without watching any TV or interacting with any other fiction whatsoever. If I can brace myself for such moments they are much easier to shake off, but it becomes a Romans 7:21-25 situation; there's a very clear dialogue going on in my head... the part of my that wants the scene to take place and the part of me that doesn't. Though the two fight it out, I thank God that the latter part of me even has a voice in these situations!

"21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" - Romans 7:21-25

 

Yes, very interesting indeed... I hadn't thought about if that way before. I wonder if people with foot fetishes have similar experiences in which movie scenes depicting barefoot characters really stand out and stick in the memory. I likewise can't think of any off the top of my head with respect to barefoot women, whereas my sinful mind essentially contains an entire catalogue of bound and gagged women in mainstream media.

And taking your point further, some of these scenes have left such an impression even in childhood that I still recall them now. When bondage scenes first started leaving an impression it wasn't even sexual - seeing any characters constrained in such a way caught my attention. The earliest such memory I have is Mowgli being constructed by Kaa in the Jungle Book... I would have been around 5 or 6 years old. Again, nothing arousing about it then or now but it caught my attention back then. I never quite understood why but reflecting on it recently, I realise that *may* have been when I first realised that freedom of movement (at least with respect to ones arms) was something I have taken for granted and that could be taken away. Pretty deep for such a young child! But I remember thinking - not in these exact terms of course - that the idea that an external force could restrict the use of my arms was a curious thing. I'm almost certain this is where it all started and have been for a while.

But the friend wanting to be tied up for one of our games was the real catalyst (I'd have been around the same age). And returning to your point yet again, it occurs to me now that I can barely remember any of the other stories we used to play out - maybe the gist of some of the scenes... but not the specifics.

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As for today - very stressful work day. Tried to really apply my mind to a difficult problem, so much so that I burned out completely. It didn't help that my thought train was broken by an unexpected call from an acquaintance elsewhere in the company suddenly asking for professional opinion and needing it there and then... it would have taken some thinking which my mind wasn't really capable of at that point. I tried to deal with him gracefully and think I managed it, but to be honest I was rather frustrated by it.

Being stressed, my willpower was weak, and I came close to thinking 'screw it' and indulging in some PMO. My running was affected too... I still can't make it up a hill that I used to have no trouble with. However, I'm still 18 days PMO free!

 

Work less stressful today, but temptations strong. The part of me that doesn't want to quit PMO was speaking loudly all day and I'm going to need to keep busy tomorrow (Saturday) to keep it quiet, because busy works as a suitable distraction. I can hear myself making all sorts of excuses, but I know they are just that - excuses. It's hard to hold on to why I'm trying to break free sometimes. Of course it's to live a life that glorifies God, but my sinful mind just wants to take advantage of his forgiveness, knowing that I could screw up any number of times and he'd still love me. But that's not the attitude he wants me to have. I want to quit PMO out of worship to him. It's just so hard to keep that mindset and remain in that state of mind...

 

Thanks guys Today has turned out better, and I've managed to keep occupied throughout. Furthermore I still have things to keep me occupied this evening! And in general, temptations just haven't been as strong except for in the morning maybe... but that's normal.

I had to pop out to do some shopping in the afternoon. Caught my eyes wondering a few times when attractive ladies passed, which is especially difficult this time of year when people tend to wear less! But no significant triggers, thankfully. Of course, I'm very unlikely to encounter fetish-related triggers when out and about, but more normal everyday lust triggers are still an issue.