Wrestling with a fetish all my life

21 days... that's 3 weeks! Best I've done for a while, but not the best I've ever done.

Thankfully very few temptations today, it was pretty easy. Returning to my earlier point about the Sabbath / rest days, knowing that Sunday is my day set aside for God makes it easier to resist temptation. It's not perfect... I've had some long PMO sessions on Sundays in the past... but it's easier.

 

Another good day in many respects... very few urges and I didn't feel too bad about work-related things. I also made better progress running up my usual hill today... not without stopping as I usually can, but closer to that point. My recent under-performance may not be withdrawal related - it could easily also be stress or the heat (today I was less stressed and it was cooler) or a combination - but whatever the cause, it is reminding me that if it is down to withdrawal, then I'm fighting a much more important battle in fighting PMO than any battle against my own physical limits with respect to running.

I run up hills because I love the feeling of pushing my (actual, physical) heart to its limits and the tangible feeling of my heart getting stronger. But this too reminds me that God is changing my heart daily, and as with running, it gets stronger through trials. God is changing my spiritual heart through my battle with PMO and all other trials I face, and He is changing it for the good. I don't just want to stop PMO, I want to see women the way He sees them: precious, loved people for whom He is willing to die, and not objects of lust. I want to hate sexual sin as much as He does. He will grant us such attitudes if we let Him transform our hearts through our trials (Romans 8:26-30, 12:1-2; James 1:2-4).

 

Not much to report over the past two days (which is a good thing I guess!). I've essentially ticked an item off of my TODO list, which will make me significantly less busy for a while.

Temptations come and go, and aren't too difficult to handle. But I know they come in waves and I could wake up fighting any day of the week.

When I am tempted, it's not so much the temptation to PMO there and then that's the problem... it's the temptation to give up completely and surrender to sin. The sin in me isn't happy about a life where I never PMO again, should that be the case, and that's what makes all of this hard when it is hard.

I used to struggle understanding Jesus' second temptation in the desert (Luke 4:5-8), when Satan offers Jesus all the kingdoms in the world. Or rather, it was simple enough, but I didn't understand how I was supposed to relate to it... no part of me wants to rule the world! I'm not a Saturday morning cartoon villain who tries to take it over week by week! But then I realised what my sin does want: to give in to my temptations and live for them. If I surrendered to this fetish I probably would build a 'kingdom' for it... collecting videos, buying them, even making them, creating art and stories through my artistic skills, sharing it all with other fetishists online and just completely living for this sin, and I'd probably be very good at it. This is the 'world' or the 'kingdom' that Satan tries to tempt me with. I could just take that lifestyle right now, just as Satan tempted Jesus to just take the world and its kingdoms in an instant.

But I refuse, because "It is written, 'You shall worship the lord your God, and Him only shall you serve.'"

Lord please help me to do this day by day, to live for You and You alone.

 

Difficult day, but free from failure, praise God!

Withdrawal was pretty intense when I woke up. Some time in meditation helped, plus then getting up and starting on some laundry before starting work. It was difficult to focus on work and trying hard to concentrate seems to have tired my brain into a state of depression. I wouldn't say that I have depression, but I do occasionally feel depressed (and of course, stages of withdrawal don't help).

However, there's a plus. I went for a run after work and didn't think it would be a good one given recent struggles with motivation, not least when my mind is in a depressed state... but I nonetheless made it up my usual hill I couldn't keep going after reaching the top, but on this particular route I can only do that 50% of the time anyway and given how things have been lately I really can't complain!

 

Today's been tough, again largely due to withdrawal, but social anxiety has been playing up.

It's hard to explain how withdrawal feels for me, except that my body almost feels the day it does when I'm severely jetlagged (I do a lot of flying to far parts of the world!). I also had a new idea for entertaining my fetish which almost pushed me over the edge. I'm very, very vulnerable when this happens because it pulls me into the moment and I'm suddenly not thinking long-term.It feels like my mind is just waiting for me to slip up because it knows that once I'm stuck in that moment, it's easy to stay there and completely induldge.

Thankfully it didn't win, and I'm still approaching four weeks clean.

Sure, living for the moment is meant to be good for you, and it is if managed well. In particular with respect to anxiety, as mindfulness can work wonders. But I think this is one reason why giving up PMO is so hard... because once I let go and really indulge I'm not thinking about the future and I'm not anxious. And of course, sex, masturbation etc. are well known mechanisms for stress relief!

But anyway, I think withdrawal has made anxiety worse (jetlag, and lack of sleep in general, also have this effect on me). Lately I'm anxious about the simplest of text messages. I have a few favors to ask people and somehow it feels like trying to push myself through a brick wall trying to send them.

But I'm glad the weekend has arrived, just knowing that it's here is helping me feel relaxed already

 

I think we all experience it differently, but really it's anything we feel, mentally or physically, in response to denying ourselves our urges and the dopamine rush we experience as a result.

And thank you for your encouragements

It's been a good day today; busy but productive and largely free from temptations or withdrawal symptoms. I did a run in the morning which didn't go too well, but it had the usual psychological effect of de-stressing me, which is one of the most important things it can do for me.

I also got to spend some time on Zoom with friends who live overseas, and I think this contributed a lot to making the day easier. I'm more of an introvert than an extrovert, but as I've mentioned before I'm realizing recently that being in good company has a sobering effect w.r.t. my struggles. It's almost as though it resets me psychologically and I have no interest in pursuing this fetish or other forms of PMO at these times. My friends make me want to change, even though they have no idea they're doing it!

 

Made it up my usual hill again Once again I had to stop at that point, but hopefully this is my spark coming back. It felt more like the problem was in my legs than in my mind... they just don't feel as strong as they were. But there's no point in worrying about it... as long as I'm pushing myself, I'm exercising. I've pushed myself too far in the past and it's not fun, but I like to think that my mind and body are often in agreement about what I'm capable of during any given run. It takes self-discipline to keep going, but sometimes it takes self-discipline to stop.

Anyway, I had a day off today to take care of various things, mostly related to buying and selling flats. I gave myself a lie-in in the morning, though this was a bit risky as temptation was strong. But I'm finding that mindfulness meditation while I'm lying in bed keeps this in control. It used to be that I applied mindfulness for anxiety and stress, but it seems to help me somewhat with addiction and temptations too.

After that the day was the right balance of busy and not-busy to be productive but still chilled.

 

30 days!

It's so great to see that below my posts. Yes, I've done better before, but I'm glad to have made it this far again, and glad that I make it at least this far more often than I used to. There was a time when as soon as work got stressful - if working from home of course - I'd PMO multiple times in one day, every day. Even if I reset now, I'm happy that those days are far behind (but acknowledge they could return... I will never assume I'm safe).

I just want to say thank you to everybody who follows this journal. I've use a forum-based journal before (for general stuff, not for recovery) and I could never tell if people were really following it, so I wasn't sure how helpful the same would be here. But people do follow, and interact, and it's helping me more than I thought it would, so thank you all! Knowing people are following my battle gives me another reason to keep resisting and keep fighting

 

First day back at work after 2 days off (and the weekend before that, of course). Got back to having to deal with quite a few things and it's increased my anxiety somewhat. I'm still feeling it now, but it will pass. Stress makes things appear worse than they are, and first day back after time off, no matter how small, is often stressful. It's how it is, and recovery from anxiety starts with acceptance.

Thankfully, temptations have been very low today and nothing to report on this from really. But stress and anxiety can be a trigger, so I need to remain vigilant!

 

It occurred to me that a scene from an old Saturday morning cartoon may have had a bigger impact on my fetish than I had previously given it credit for. Cartoons back from the 80s and 90s would often have a female character who seemed to get tied up almost every episode, and this was one of those characters. Something about the capture-prone nature of these characters is something that has always turned me on in itself, and cartoons I used to draw for myself would tend to fit into this stock role. Furthermore many of these women may be heroes of some form in themselves, so although 'damsels' they aren't so 'distressed'... they keep their heads in dealing with their predicament (and even when they don't, it's a kids cartoon, so you knowthere's no real peril and she'll be released). Again, I'd often realise this aspect in my characters too. In many ways, the ideal scene or scenario that turns me on is framed around such eras of cartoons, and the women I like to draw, on reflection, drew a number of characteristics from this particular character from this particular show that I recalled today. Somehow until today it hadn't occurred to me how much.

The thing is, the steps I took next after realising this I'm not sure were wise. There's a part of me that feels maybe revisiting some of these influential scenes from my childhood but with the eyes I have now, having been on the journey I've been on, could help me see them in a different light, so long as I do so when I'm not otherwise vulnerable and am doing it purely for psychological reasons and not lustful ones. I often feel like looking at them without lustful intent may bring a form of closure... but there is always the risk that could be a lie I'm telling myself.

I'll cut to the point... I ended up Googling this scene and this character, and the scene in question did indeed crop up, but on reflection I'm not sure if I should have or if I should count this as P and therefore a reset. I don't think I will, but I'm open to rebuke if any readers think otherwise! On the one hand, yes, today I willingly return to a scene that would satisfy my fetish. But on the other hand, I did it to explore and understand the problem in order to try disentangle this mess in my head, and it didn't lead to anything further. Plus, I can't avoid these scenes forever.

This can be where my anxiety kicks in... or rather, the overthinking part. Maybe I am overthinking this one, maybe I'm not. But because I know I have a problem with overthinking (I'm even medicated for it), I can't always tell if I'm overthinking or not!

Another thing is, if I were to count it as a reset, I fear I'd be more tempted to go all out PMO to 'make the most of it'.

Still, the positive from all this is that I feel I've come a bit closer to understanding my problem. Another positive from today is that I had the best run I've done in a while. I did have to stop, but it was for traffic, not fatigue It was also a slightly different route from normal, less steep, but for longer and nonetheless up the same hill.

 

Thank you, that is very interesting. For various reasons I have an interest in neuroscience and so by extension some interest in psychology too.

I had never though that cartoons may influence other fetishes. With mine its very common. When during PMO cycles I've been browsing other message boards and websites in which people entertain this fetish, multiple people comment on the fact that cartoons and TV shows from childhood were an influence. Heck, there's entire websites and Youtube playlists archiving these scenes.

It's interesting that you cite western cartoons specifically. Western cartoons were the case for me also, but it occurs to me that people fetishise a lot of stuff in Anime too (and even in kids shows the sexualisation can be more intentional... censorship doesn't always seem so strong in Japan). Anime wasn't so widespread in the West when I was young, it was very niche. But nowadays its different...

 

A tough Friday... very tempted throughout and some stress in the afternoon. I work well alone, with time to get into the flow uninterrupted, so spontaneous calls from colleagues that break that flow really stress me out. I'm very fussy with phone calls inside and outside of work... I like to expect them. Especially during work time. I feel bad that I may have come across as short tempered when I answered but I sent an apology later.

Anyway I was able to relax in the evening. I'm a huge Marvel fan, and Black Widow was released today, so I paid for that on Disney+ Premier Access and enjoyed watching that this evening

BBQ with church family tomorrow.... looking forward to that